Sweet Madness, page 22
Then as I stand in the bathroom, my mother’s lifeless form behind me, I reach into my back pocket and pull out my phone. With shaky fingers, I dial the emergency number and report my mother’s suicide in a voice that crack with sorrow.
“I found my mother,” I say, my tone hollow and numb. “She’s... she’s dead.”
The words hang heavy in the air, final and heartbreaking. My gaze shifts to the mirror, meeting my own eyes—eyes that were once bright with hope, now clouded with anger, hopelessness, and grief.
The reflection of the man staring back at me feels like a stranger in my own skin.
My heart, once full of love and purpose, now feels like a desolate wasteland, consumed by the emptiness left in my mother’s absence.
I clench my jaw, fists tightening at my sides, as the realization settles in. I know, deep down, that I will never be the same again. The loss of my Ma changes me irreversibly, stripping away the happiness that once defined me. The boy Ma raised is now gone. He leaves with her.
Turning away from the mirror, I face the stark reality of my new existence—a life without her warmth, her guidance, her love. With each breath, the pain gnaws at me, a constant reminder of what I have lost.
My guardian. The only woman who ever loved me for me.
I close my eyes briefly, willing myself to find a fragment of strength amidst the overwhelming pain and despair. But all I feel is the cold grip of sorrow and death, wrapping around me like a suffocating embrace.
At that moment, as I stand in the quiet of the bathroom where my mother chose to end her suffering, I make a silent vow to never let anyone get close again. I vow to never let love in.
Love feels beautiful while it lasts, but it always fades away.
It always comes to an end.
I’ve never known one that stays.
Space Note
“How sad that the most massive stars are the shortest lived.” — E
Chapter
Twenty-Two
A MOTHER’S LOVE
Ella
“She has a wild spirit and a soft heart.” — S
The next day flies by in a blur, and my heart still feels heavy—heavy and sad. My mind keeps me up all night after learning about Shaw’s mother’s suicide. God, he is the one who finds her. I can’t imagine the excruciating pain he must go through and still goes through every time he replays that memory.
No one should ever have to experience that. It must be hard enough to lose a parent, but to also bear witness to their hopelessness and despair is truly heartbreaking.
It’s no wonder the beautiful man builds impenetrable walls around his heart and loses his smile. How could he find joy in life after losing his mother in such a horrific way?
If I had gone through what he did, I don’t think I would survive, but he does. Yes, he’s a little grumpy and a recluse in this small town, but damn if he doesn’t have the biggest heart. A heart that no one but me gets to see because he lets me in, and that’s why I wake up every morning under his roof, determined to bring joy and laughter back into his life.
That strong, harsh, and brave man opened his heart to me last night, and now, even though my heart is full of love for him, it still aches.
I sit on the edge of the bed, a knot tightening in my chest as I replay our conversations in my mind. His pain is palpable; his wounds are still raw despite the years that have passed since that fateful morning.
He must carry such a heavy burden in his heart.
Now I understand that Shaw Banning isn’t off chasing stars like I made myself believe as a young girl. No, he is struggling to keep afloat.
Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath, trying not to suffocate as I think about how much pain he is still in. God, I don’t know what I would do if I were in his place.
Mom and Dad.
They mean everything to me.
I can’t help but think how lucky I am to have healthy parents, while Shaw doesn’t. He never mentions his father, and his mother suffers a tragic fate.
Life can be so unfair sometimes.
And yet, despite having my parents alive, I’ve kept them in the dark when they deserve to know, even if it means I might disappoint them.
Overwhelmed with guilt and grief, I pick up my pink iPad and send a video chat request to Mom. Instantly, her beautiful and regal face appears on the screen.
“Ellaiza,” Mom’s tone comes through, harsh and worried.
“Hi, Mommy,” I say, my voice trembling a bit. “I just wanted to see your face and hear your voice,” I managed to croak out. At this moment, with guilt and sadness clawing at me, I revert to the little girl who feels safest in her mommy’s arms.
Mom’s brow furrows, sensing something is wrong with me. “Has something happened? Is everything okay, stink?” Mom uses the cute nickname she called me when I was younger. She hasn’t done that in a while. It makes me feel nostalgic and miss home more than ever.
Tears well up in my eyes, my throat tightening with emotion. I can’t seem to stop; I hate crying in front of my parents, but this time I have no choice. The emotions are too strong, and this moment has been building up for years.
I shake my head, unable to hold back the flood of emotions any longer. “I... I love you, Mom. You know this, right?” I choke out, tears streaming down my cheeks.
Mom’s expression softens, her green eyes misting over. “Of course, I do,” she murmurs, reaching out her delicate hand as if to touch me through the screen. “I love you, too. Now, tell me what’s wrong.” Mom’s eyes harden a bit. “Did that man—” I cut her off before she can say anything else.
“No. Shaw is… perfect.”
She frowns, seeming confused. “What is it then? Should I call your father?” She starts to get up, but I stop her.
“No, don’t bother him,” I say.
I’m not ready to face him just yet.
“Ellaiza,” Mom grows impatient, obviously worried.
I take a deep, shuddering breath, trying to steady my racing heart. “I’m just... I’m so grateful for you and Dad,” I manage to say, my voice thick with emotion. “For your unconditional love, for everything you’ve both done for me. For always being there for me when I’m sure at times life wasn’t easy for you.”
Mom doesn’t need to share the gritty details of her life before Dad. I can tell it must have been ugly and painful, especially when I see her staring out the window with a sad look, as if her past still haunts her after all these years. While Dad was blessed with loving parents, whom he lost in a horrific way, Mom had only herself and her sisters.
My mother’s gaze softens again, clearly affected by seeing my pain. “You and your siblings are our life, you know that?” she whispers, her voice gentle and comforting as always when one of her kids is hurting.
How foolish I’ve been.
How could I ever think my parents wouldn’t love me for exactly who I am? How could I let others’ opinions affect me so much that I felt the need to lie and hide the real me from my parents?
Unable to hold back any longer, I let out a sob, burying my face in my hands. “I know, Mom,” I cry softly. “I just... I don’t know what I would do without you.” Glimpses of Shaw’s heartbroken face as he speaks of his greatest pain haunt me.
Mom’s eyes glisten with tears. “You don’t have to worry about that, sweet girl,” she says softly. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll always be here for you, no matter what.”
I hiccup sadly. “But you won’t be with me forever. One day you will—” I can’t finish the thought— it is too painful and too heartbreaking.
After a long and dreadful pause, Mom speaks up. “I know.”
I look my mother in the eye through the screen, and my heart squeezes at the sight of her tears. Mom never cries, at least not in front of us. She’s always been our anchor, and seeing her in tears only makes me feel worse.
“One day, I won’t be here physically, but, baby, I’ll always be in your heart. You’ll never be alone, and you don’t need to worry about that. Your father and I aren’t going anywhere for a very long time.”
I nod and then smile sadly at her, my tears clouding my vision.
I wipe away my tears, my heart heavy with so much love for my mom. “I don’t know how you loved a child who wasn’t yours so deeply, but thank you.”
Mom’s expression softens at first, but then she speaks with a fierce intensity that startles me. “You were my first love, Ellaiza Kenton. Before you, I only knew love that hurt. You broke down the walls around my heart and melted the ice that kept it barely beating with your pretty smiles and sweet heart.” I choke on a sob as I listen to my mother.
With a fierceness I’ve witnessed most of my life, Mom whispers, “My heart needed you to survive.”
Her words hang in the air, heavy with meaning and so much love. My mother’s eyes bore into mine through the screen, showing a depth of emotion that surpasses mere words.
“Mom…” I whisper, my voice breaking with emotion.
“You’ve always been more than just my daughter,” she continues, her voice trembling slightly. “You’ve been my calm after every painful storm. You, your father, and your siblings are my happily ever after.”
Tears well up again in my eyes, touched by the profound love and vulnerability in Mom’s words.
“I mean it, sweetheart,” my mom says firmly, her gaze unwavering. “You brought joy into my life when I thought there was only ugliness in the world. You’ve made me a better person when I didn’t know how to be anything but cruel.”
A flood of emotions surges through my heart—gratitude, love, and a deep sense of belonging.
I might not be biologically hers, but I’m hers in all the ways that count. The world might think otherwise, and they are entitled to their wrong opinions, but from this moment on, I will never let their words change how I see myself or the person I am to my family.
I am a girl who loves the color pink as much as I love hot summer days. A girl who loves reading romance magazines rather than gossip articles or the news. I am a girl who loves fashion as much as I love science. Someone who prefers spending a late afternoon riding Geraldine through tulip fields in Canyon Creek, Montana, rather than walking through the streets of a city with cameras in my face. But most importantly, I am a girl who loves her family with all that’s inside of me.
“I—I’ve been lying to you,” I begin, my voice trembling slightly. “All this time, all I wanted was to make you and Dad proud. But... it started hurting my heart, Mom.”
My mother’s expression softens, concern etched into every line of her face as she listens intently.
“I know it’s ungrateful of me to complain about the many blessings we have,” I continue, my words coming out in a rush. “But it’s just too much. The constant comparisons between my sisters and me... the mocking, the gossip about me not being enough, not looking anything like you. It all hurts so much, Mom.”
“My sweet girl…” Mom whispers as I spill my heart out to her.
More tears well up in my eyes, reflecting years of buried sadness and deep insecurity. I have carried this burden in silence, shielding my family from the mess inside my head and heart.
“Why, Ellaiza?” Mom’s voice comes out harshly, but her eyes are filled with love and pain for me. “Why didn’t you tell us? I suspected something was wrong when you started dressing differently and acting so unlike yourself, but I thought it was just a phase. I thought you were discovering who you are and where you fit in this world. I should’ve known there was something wrong because you have always known exactly who you are.”
“I didn’t want to burden you both,” I confess, my voice barely above a whisper. “I thought I could handle it on my own.”
“You’re never a burden to us!” she snaps, momentarily losing her composure before regaining her calm. “I can’t believe you’ve been carrying this pain alone for so long. A mother knows these things about her children. How did I miss this?” Mom’s voice breaks.
“It’s not your fault, Mom,” I blurt out. How could she blame herself? She’s been the perfect mom, even in moments when she was human and made mistakes. “I was a good actress. I even fooled myself,” I confess.
A fragile silence hangs between us until I dig deep within for the courage I’ve been missing.
I take a shaky breath, gathering my thoughts before speaking again. “I thought if I studied law and dressed and acted more like you, then the harassment would stop. And it did, for a while,” I confess, my voice tinged with vulnerability while Mom listens intently with sad eyes. “But,” I continue, my words faltering slightly, “somewhere along the way, I lost sight of who I was and who I wanted to be. I became so focused on meeting everyone’s expectations that I forgot about myself. Before I came to this town, I couldn’t recognize myself when I looked in the mirror. I saw a girl wearing colors that didn’t make her happy. A girl studying a career that didn’t bring her joy or give her a purpose. A girl who smiled for everyone even when she was hurting inside. I don’t want to be her anymore, Mom.”
I watch as Mom pats her face with a white napkin to wipe away the tears. “You don’t need to change who you are to make us proud, baby,” she says firmly. “We are proud of you just as you are. We’ve always been proud. Your uniqueness and sweet nature shine through, no matter what. And sweetheart, you and Everly are the heart of this family. You all are so different from one another, and that is what makes you all so beautiful to your father and me. We love you all for who you are, not for what you think you need to be to make us proud or please the world. The world doesn’t matter. Our family is what matters, Ellaiza, and your family loves you more than there are stars in the sky. You know that our love for you is infinite.”
In that moment, a sense of relief and peace settles over me after years of agonizing about things that shouldn’t have mattered. What matters is how I see myself—how the people I love see me. My heart feels as if it could explode with all the love I feel for Mom right now. I don’t know how she always knows exactly what to say to soothe my aching heart, but I suppose that’s the power of a mother’s love.
It heals you.
“I love you, Mom,” I remind her, my voice filled with many emotions, love and gratitude most of all.
Mom smiles warmly, her eyes shining with pride. “And I love you, sweetheart,” she replies, her voice steady and unwavering. “Always remember that when you feel like you are not enough. You are more than enough. You are perfect just as you are.”
As Mom finishes her thought, the iPad’s screen flickers. A familiar figure appears behind her—a man whose presence is as commanding as it is comforting—my larger-than-life father.
Dad, as always, looks at Mom with a gaze filled with pure love and devotion, a look of adoration that speaks volumes. He looks at her as if she is the only person in the room. However, his expression quickly changes when he sees Mom’s and my red eyes and tear-streaked faces.
His dark brows, much like my own, furrow, concern etching lines across his handsome face. “What’s wrong?” he barks, his voice tinged with worry.
Mom gives me a soft look before she turns to Dad. “First, calm down, tyrant,” she touches his chest in an affectionate manner. “Our daughter has been struggling with something for a while now, and she needs to know just how much she is valued and loved,” she gives Dad a warning glance, as if telling him to be gentle, before turning back to me.
Dad’s face softens as he steps closer to the screen, his concern visible through the screen. “Darling girl, que s'est-il passé?” he asks me what is wrong, his voice tender yet concerned.
This is it.
This is the moment I’ve been dreading for a while now, but somehow after Mom’s words of love and support, I no longer feel afraid to speak up.
Knowing I can no longer keep deceiving my parents, I decide to tell him the truth.
I swallow hard and look into his eyes—the same eyes that have always held warmth and understanding towards me, no matter what. “J'étais perdue, papa. For a long time... I was lost,” I admit, my voice barely above a whisper. “I tried so hard to be what everyone wanted me to be, but I lost sight of who I was.”
My father’s expression softens even more, with heartbreak written all over his face. “My girl,” he murmurs, his voice laced with sadness. “You don’t have to be anyone but yourself. We love you just the way you are.” Hearing the same words from him as from Mom brings on more tears. “Tu es l'étoile la plus brillante de mon ciel.”
You’re the brightest star in my sky.
Tears flow freely down my cheeks as I absorb my hero’s words. “Je t'aime, papa,” I say, my voice steadier now.
Dad’s eyes soften, his unconditional love for me shining through. “Je t'aime encore plus, chérie,” he replies warmly. “Now, no more tears.” He snaps at both Mom and me. “Tell us who you are.” Love and adoration shine through as he looks at me.
And I do just that.
I tell my parents exactly who I am and all that I’ve discovered about myself since arriving at the ranch. I also tell them about my new career path, and all the while, they listen with open minds and hearts, but most importantly, with a smile on each of their faces.
While we talk some more, I notice Dad looking at his phone with concern written all over his expression. Concern and pain.
As Dad whispers something to Mom, I strain to catch my brother’s name—Royal. My heart skips a beat, knowing it means something bad, something that ties into our family’s current situation. My mother’s expression shifts subtly, a fleeting moment of pain crossing her features before she composes herself and manages to put on a brave smile for me.
What is going on?
I start to ask what is happening with Royal when Dad’s gaze meets mine through the camera. His voice carries a mixture of reassurance and determination as he delivers news that should bring relief but, right now, only makes my heart ache. “You’ll be able to come home soon. We’re close to finding the stalker. The creep is not after you, darling.”
