Outcasts MC (Complete Series), page 54
But I had realized that there was no way I could possibly go back into another session with Logan. Professionality had gone out the window on that one, almost right from the beginning. And now things were even more complicated. Of course I couldn’t talk to David about any of it, either. He would want to turn Logan in to the sheriff, or at least double-check that the sheriff knew about that murder and that body that Logan had mentioned hiding away somewhere.
Jesus. I could barely believe that he had helped to cover up a murder. Did he have any ethics at all? And he had phrased it like he was just doing it for the sake of his job, but I no longer knew what to believe on that front. I had seen a side to him I hadn’t seen before.
A side that I should have seen coming. I mean, fuck, I had seen the report from the sheriff. I had known that Logan beat a guy bloody and that that was why he was in therapy. But somehow, things hadn’t really clicked in my head. Because the Logan I had seen in the clinic had seemed to be someone other than that. I could sense that tough exterior, and I thought that meant there was something good lurking inside of him he was trying desperately to hide.
Shit, though, how did I know that he wasn’t just a terrible guy? I didn’t. That was the whole point of the therapy sessions, getting to know him better. I had no idea if he was a terrible guy; I had just been clinging to this idea that maybe I could tell his deepest secrets before he told them to me, that I had read him properly. I didn’t know, though.
Besides, even if that was the case, even if he wasn’t terrible through and through, did I really want to deal with that sort of outside to him?
It wasn’t just that I didn’t feel safe going back to work now. But that was part of it. I didn’t like the sound of getting questioned by some federal agents over what I might or might not have talked about with Logan. Especially because whoever questioned me was bound to find out sooner or later that Logan and I had slept together. Because they were going to want to know why he had opened up to me, and because they were going to want to know about the chats that he and I had had outside of the sessions we were scheduled for.
There was a reason I wasn’t supposed to be talking to clients without David.
So even if it wasn’t about my safety, it was about my job. And vice versa. What a mess.
Not only that, but I didn’t think I would do things differently if I were to go back and do them all over again. I had liked getting Logan to open up to me. I had liked that he wasn’t just another boring case of boredom and loneliness. But I hadn’t been able to handle this case any better than I had been able to handle any of our other cases.
Clearly, this wasn’t the right industry for me. Better cut my losses now, before I got in even deeper. I didn’t know what the hell I was going to do with my life, but I’d figure something out. Even if I had to go back to waiting tables or retail or something like I had when I was in my undergraduate program.
The worst part about all of it was that the person I wanted to talk about all of this with was Logan himself. Not Hazel, this time. I knew Hazel meant well, and I knew there was something to it when she reminded me that this was what I had always wanted for myself. She just thought I should stick things out for a little while longer and that maybe things would change in surprising ways.
But she wouldn’t understand what my hesitations were. She had followed her intended career and life path to a T, and she was happy with all the choices she had made. She just didn’t understand what it felt like to think that you wanted something for most of your life and then realize that it wasn’t actually what you wanted anymore.
And besides, it wasn’t like I could tell her about everything Logan had told me. She didn’t owe anything to him, and I knew she would think I was crazy for not going to the police about it. She would think my ethics were just as compromised as Logan’s. And maybe they were, and maybe I should go to the police. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that I didn’t know enough about the story, in the first case, and not only that, but I also wasn’t sure that my going to the police would do anything. It was my word against Logan’s, and the police couldn’t arrest anyone just on hearsay. I didn’t have any evidence that Logan had done anything at all.
Not only that, but it was Logan. I wasn’t sure how far I could trust him anymore, but at the same time, I didn’t want to consider being the reason that he got locked away. I didn’t want something like that to happen to him. It might be naïve, and I might feel unsure, but I still wanted to believe there was some goodness in him and that maybe that toughness was just a front.
It was all so confusing. If I could only talk to Logan about things, I was sure I could at least straighten out some of the things in my head. But I knew it was better that I never see him again, as difficult as that might be.
I sighed as I read back over the letter for the umpteenth time. I still didn’t like the way that it sounded, but I wasn’t sure if it was so much the words themselves or my disappointment at having to send a letter like this in the first place. I knew that as soon as I sent it, it would be final. There was no changing my mind about it. I was out.
I had thought hard about it since I got back home after that motorcycle ride with Logan, though. I knew this was the only option. I just couldn’t hack it. I didn’t have a choice; I had to send the letter.
All the same, it left me feeling hollow.
My mouse hovered over the send button, but just then, the front doorbell rang. I frowned, glancing back over my shoulder. Maybe a delivery or something. Or maybe David had told Logan that I wasn’t going to be working at the clinic anymore and he had come straight over here to yell at me.
I was under no illusions: Logan wasn’t going to be happy I had quit. Not that I was silly enough to think he loved me and wanted the best for me and wanted me to stick with my dreams. Nothing as romantic as that. But he’d probably be afraid that in quitting my position, I would draw unwanted attention, the kind that he was already trying to avoid. I had thought about that too, but on the whole, quitting seemed like a safer option than finding out anything more about what Logan was involved in with the motorcycle club.
I had my fingers crossed that it would be just the mailman with a package, or even a door-to-door salesman. But instead, when I got up and went to the door, it opened to reveal Hazel on the other side, her arms folded and her eyes narrowed at me.
“Whoa, what’s wrong?” I asked in surprise, automatically stepping back to let her in.
“I was hoping you would tell me that,” Hazel said. I could hear the concern in her voice as well as the frustration, and I felt guilty. But I didn’t know what she thought she knew. Surely, she hadn’t run into Logan or been questioned by whoever he thought might be after me, could she have? Fuck, I had never thought about the fact that anyone I knew might be dragged into this as well. If they thought I was Logan’s accomplice or something, who knew what they might try to dig up on me.
But no, that was crazy. They had no proof I was involved in anything more than the therapy sessions with Logan. They wouldn’t go after Hazel. I was getting paranoid.
I never knew where to draw the line when it came to dealing with bad people. That was part of what made it all so scary—you just never knew what they might do, or all the ways that your life might be affected by them.
“I went by the clinic today,” Hazel said, frowning at me. “I had a slow day, so I was able to get away for lunch, and I thought I’d surprise you. Only David told me that you’re backing out of the whole thing and that you’re not going to be working there anymore. Is that true?”
I sighed, almost glad it was just that. I still didn’t want to have this conversation with Hazel, still didn’t really know how to explain my reasons to her. But at the same time, it would be good to get this whole thing over with.
“It’s this new guy, isn’t it?” Hazel asked me. “The non-housewife, the one whose case you thought was so interesting? What was his name, Logan?”
I grimaced. And then finally, I decided there was no point in lying to her. She was my best friend; there were no secrets between us. And maybe she would be able to help me figure out what to do. “Yeah, it’s Logan,” I said.
“Oh man,” Hazel said, sounding dismayed as she shook her head. “Even from the way you say that, I can tell how much you like this guy.”
I nodded glumly and led her down the hall to the kitchen, starting a pot of coffee. “How much time do you have?” I asked, glancing over my shoulder.
“I’m done for the day,” Hazel told me. “I have to pick the kids up at some point, but don’t worry about that. If you want, you can come with me, and then we can have a sleepover; the girls would love to bake some more cookies with you.”
I smiled at her, even though I knew the expression was weaker than I’d like it to be. “I’m not heartbroken or anything,” I told her, even though I wasn’t sure how true that was. “I didn’t let myself get in over my head.”
“You never do,” Hazel sighed. “Well, what happened?”
“We slept together a couple times,” I admitted. “And I don’t know; I just started thinking about how much I liked the guy. He was so sweet with me, and he’s smart too, and for some reason, he wanted to open up to me about things. He made me feel like I actually knew what I was doing with my job. Like maybe I could really make a difference in someone’s life.”
“All I’m hearing are good things,” Hazel said slowly. “Unless what you’re telling me is that you’re too afraid to pursue something with him and that’s why you’re quitting? Or you’re quitting because you think you can’t be with him as long as he’s your client?”
“I couldn’t,” I said matter-of-factly. “But that’s not it.” I sighed and dragged my hands over my face. “He’s in a biker gang, the Outcasts. And some of the stuff he’s done…I don’t know. I thought that he was this great guy, but it turns out that he’s not the nicest person.”
Hazel’s eyes glinted. “Did that bastard hurt you?”
“No,” I said immediately. “It wasn’t like that. But he did hurt this other guy. That’s why he’s in therapy—he beat the crap out of this guy, enough to land the other dude in the hospital. And you should have heard the way that Logan talked about it—it was like he didn’t care at all. Like it was just a job to him, like the other guy totally deserved it and it didn’t even matter.”
Hazel stared at me for a long moment and then breathed out a noisy breath. “I imagine,” she said slowly, “that if you have a job with a motorcycle club, you sort of have to become desensitized to violence after a certain amount of time? And anyway, you know as well as I do that there are some guys in the world who do deserve to be beaten up.”
I knew exactly who she was referencing, but I shook my head. “But the guy that Logan beat up was some sort of federal agent or something,” I moaned. “It’s different. Not only that, but Logan told me that I could be in trouble as well because now that I know all of this about Logan, there’s a possibility that this guy could come after me to try to get some answers or to try to get me to testify against Logan or something. Or else to otherwise just get to Logan somehow, I don’t know.”
Hazel’s eyes widened considerably. “There’s a lot to unpack there,” she said. “So first, what you’re saying is that this Logan guy likes you? That he thinks you could be used as bait for him or something?”
“I guess so,” I admitted. “He said something about how he’s never really opened up to anyone before, but he wants to open up to me. But that’s not the point. I could never be with a guy like that.”
“Right, I get that,” Hazel said. “I’m just trying to think this all over from his perspective.” She paused and then asked carefully, “Is there anything that Logan’s told you that you might have to testify about?”
“He covered up a murder,” I told Hazel. “Not one that he committed, but that’s almost worse, isn’t it?”
Hazel frowned. “It sounds like he’s a complicated guy, and it sounds like he’s not the kind of guy that you’d want to be involved with,” she finally said. But she held up one finger. “That said, nothing you’ve told me so far points to him being a terrible guy. Sounds like he’s just got a pretty tricky job and has to make some difficult decisions. But there’s a reason the sheriff sent him to you rather than locking him in jail. You have to assume that the sheriff and the local law guys have to know that some of this stuff goes on. I mean, the Outcasts are pretty notorious in this area, aren’t they?”
I shook my head. “But that’s not the point. I never should have gotten involved with him in the first place. It wasn’t professional. I had this great chance to actually work with someone who had an interesting case, and I messed it all up. Pretty much everything important he’s told me, he’s told me outside of his sessions and while we were in private. I mean, I got him to open up one day in front of David and talk about his family life growing up. But not about the motorcycle club or anything; that’s all been in private.”
Again, Hazel paused to think that over. “You probably shouldn’t be sleeping with your client, no,” she finally said. “And that’s not a tactic that you’re going to be able to use with everyone from here on out. But I don’t know, Liv, you said he told you that you make him want to open up to you, and I think that has to count for something. The methods are unorthodox, but that doesn’t mean that you haven’t managed to help him at all.”
I thought about that while I poured coffee for both of us, automatically adding a splash of creamer to hers like she liked. “But like you said, even if I did help him, I haven’t done it ethically,” I said. “And I definitely can’t do things the same way with every client that I get in there. So how can I stay in this job?”
“Because it’s your calling,” Hazel said simply. She grinned at me. “You’ve never slept with me, but you know how much you helped me when I was in med school. Or while I was pregnant, shit.”
“That’s different,” I protested. “You’re my best friend.”
“And Logan’s a guy you’re sleeping with,” Hazel pointed out. “So what that shows me is that you know how to help the people you understand and care about. In whatever ways they need. And not everyone’s going to need you to go to bed with them, and not everyone’s going to need you to rub their ankles. Doesn’t mean you won’t be able to find ways to care about them.”
She shook her head. “Think about this another way. You said that some of your clients just need you to listen to them, right?”
“Yeah,” I said slowly.
“So you’re fulfilling a need just by being there. You can work on caring about them. No one said that just because you’re finished with all your coursework, there’s nothing else to learn. The more experience you get, the more you know how to help the people who come through.” She shrugged, cracking a smile. “You should have seen me the first time I tried to console a kid who had to miss a birthday party because he had appendicitis. I was terrible at it. All I could think to say was that he could wait until next year. But now I’ve got kids of my own, and I can handle those situations a little better; I just think about if it were Jane or Hillary crying, what I would say to them.”
I chewed on my lower lip, then grinned back at her. “So when I get bored housewives in the office, I should think about what I would say to you?” I teased.
Hazel giggled. “Trust me, sometimes I think of how much I would love to be a bored housewife,” she said. Then, she paused. “But you saw me as a bored housewife, sort of, when I was pregnant.”
I groaned, remembering what she was like when she was on her maternity leave. She’d wanted to keep working, and she’d wanted to keep moving, and she’d been bored out of her mind. “You were the worst,” I told her, but suddenly, I could see exactly how to compare that to one of the other women who came in to see us. “Oh.”
Hazel shrugged at me and stood up. “Like I said, you’re welcome to come with me to pick up the girls if you want to come over tonight,” she said. “But I think I’ve given you enough to think about for now. For what it’s worth, I don’t think you should quit just yet. And I also think it sounds like you really care about Logan. Even if there are certain things about him that worry you or make you think you should stay away from him, I don’t know. It’s been a long time since I even saw you interested in anyone. It might be worth trying to see if you can make things work with him. Or at least talk to him about all of this.”
I slowly nodded. “I think I’m going to hang out here for the night,” I told her. “Like you said, I have a lot of things to think about. But thanks.”
“Call if you change your mind,” Hazel said. “And seriously, I’m behind you whatever you want to do. Just don’t make me find out through your boss next time you make huge, life-changing decisions!”
I laughed. “Promise I’ll tell you first next time,” I told her, standing up to give her a hug.
After she walked out of there, I walked back over to my computer, reading through my resignation letter one more time. Then, I deleted the whole thing. Maybe Hazel was right. Maybe I just needed a little more experience and to give it a little more time.
21
Logan
I tried to approach this like it was just another job, but I had to admit, this one had me feeling a bit nervous. And it wasn’t just because of the last time I’d had a run-in with Jeremy. It wasn’t just because I was afraid I might end up in jail again. That was a risk I had to take.
There was a reason that Otis was telling me my task in front of the whole club, though. There was a chance that with this task, I wouldn’t be coming back.
