Alien Hope, page 7
“I wish...” Kohka began slowly, as if choosing his words carefully, “I wish to understand.”
“To understand what? How my face works?” I said with a smirk.
“Yes,” he said, completely ignoring my attempt to keep things in the lighthearted realm of jokes. “How it works. What it means.”
I swore under my breath, realizing my meat had started to burn on one side. I quickly rotated my skewer. Roasted to perfection, my ass.
I blew out a sigh. “Well, if you must know, I probably just made a face because it’s been a long day and I’m sore.” I pressed my lips into a thin line. “Sorry, I shouldn’t be complaining. You’re the one who carried me all day.”
Kohka’s snout looked tense, his brows deeply furrowed.
“You need never, ever worry for me, Abby,” he said sternly, almost as if reprimanding me. “I am a warrior. My claws are sharp and my scales are hard. But you... You are so, so-” His words cut off with an odd grunting sound.
“I’m so what? Soft and squishy and helpless?” I supplied helpfully.
“Not helpless,” he hissed. “But the other things... Well... Yes.”
I appreciated that he didn’t think I was totally useless, at least. But he was right. Compared to his height and strength and scales, my weak-skinned human body probably looked like something smooshy and pathetic, like a marshmallow stretched into the general shape of a person. Not that he would know what a marshmallow even was.
The reality was, if Kohka wanted to, he could take my entire head in one hand and crush my skull like it was a goddamn grape.
But even so, I couldn’t help but wonder about his comfort. Had he gotten tired from the journey? Was he sore anywhere, too?
I didn’t get to ask those questions. Because Kohka asked one first.
“What does a new woman do,” he said, leaning forward, his eyes brighter than the fire between us, “when she’s in pain?”
“We make stupid pouty faces, as you’ve already witnessed,” I replied.
“No. I mean... What does she need to feel better?” He paused, then added, “What do you need?”
My cheeks grew even hotter, and I gulped.
What do I need? Apparently, I need a fucking brain transplant. Because all I can think about right now is you giving me a back massage with those massive, clawed hands.
Oh, hell. Who was I kidding? I wasn’t thinking about a back massage. I was thinking about a butt massage. My ass ached something fierce, and I subtly shifted position on the sand.
“I just need to eat and get some rest,” I said, my voice sounding brittle and high to my own ears. I pulled my skewer towards me, silently bemoaning the fact that I really had charred the crap out of the meat. Oh well. At least any food aversions I’d had in the first trimester were long gone, and it wouldn’t be any real trouble to swallow down the overcooked meat. There was no way I was going to waste it after Kohka had gone to the trouble of catching and carving it for me.
“You should eat too,” I said, trying to shift the subject of conversation away from my soft, squishy, achy human body and its various needs. I nodded at the raw meat still off to the side.
“Ah. No,” Kohka said. “This rakdo is for you. I can catch something for myself later, when you are sleeping.”
“Kohka!” I cried. “That rakdo has gotta be, like, fifty pounds! You can’t possibly think I’m going to eat the entire thing!”
Kohka frowned over at the meat and then appeared to sigh.
“I have much yet to learn.”
I took a bite of the meat, chewed it, then swallowed before replying, “That’s OK. We’ve got time.”
A wiggle from Peanut reminded me that we did not, in fact, have much time. I forced myself to keep eating despite the fact that my appetite had suddenly vanished. I’d been so wrapped up in getting away from the Sea Sand settlement that I hadn’t had enough time or brain space to think about what was going to come next.
But the more I went over it in my mind, my jaw working numbly on my food, the more one thing became clear:
If it wasn’t safe to have my baby at the Sea Sand settlement, then it probably wasn’t safe to do it at the Deep Sky settlement, either. I knew even less about those tribes, and their Gahns, than I did about the Sea Sand men. In fact, the brief times I’d seen Gahn Errok in our settlement had proven him to be brash, arrogant, and not the sort of leader who’d be sympathetic to the problems of anyone except maybe his own mate, Stephanie. I had no idea if those two were even involved, yet. If she was still rejecting him, his view on humans may have soured even further. The other Gahn, Thaleo, I had next to no info about. Which didn’t exactly put me at ease about how he’d react to my situation, either.
I watched Kohka as he began to eat, his fangs slicing powerfully through the raw meat. I’ll have to lose Kohka somehow. As soon as it’s safe.
Unexpected tears tightened my throat, making it harder to swallow.
I don’t want to leave him.
The force of the realization was like a punch to the solar plexus. I gave up on the food in my mouth, spitting it out in my hand and quickly burying it in the sand so Kohka wouldn’t see and ask what the heck I was doing.
He’d probably be concerned about me spitting it out. Worried that the rakdo he’d caught wasn’t good enough or something.
He was so good. Kind. Helpful. Funny in a dry, self-deprecating way. I wanted to stay with him. Keep talking to him. Learn more about him.
But... I couldn’t.
I knew Kohka was already uneasy about taking me with him with so little explanation. There was no way he’d allow me to give birth out here if he knew what was going on. If I was still with him when I went into labour, he’d probably scoop me up and cart me off to the Deep Sky settlement as fast as his alien legs could take him. Which was pretty fucking fast.
Nope. I’d have to do this on my own, somehow. Find some cave in the Deep Sky where he wouldn’t be able to follow me or find me.
Where no one would be able to find me. Eventually, Kohka and anyone else who might wonder where I’d gone would give me up for dead and stop looking. They’d probably assume some alien predator had eaten me on an ill-fated pee break one night. I’d stolen one of the life sign camouflage tools from the big ship. If anyone looked for a life sign belonging to me, they’d get a blank screen on their scanners.
And then what?
Would I just stay out in the wilderness alone with my kid forever? Never to see another soul for fear of what might happen to my son?
Fucking bleak.
But if it meant my child had a chance to survive, then I would make that sacrifice. We could make some sort of life out there. The Deep Sky had caves and fresh water and fish to sustain us. Women used to give birth in caves and fields and shit all the time. If they made it work, so can I. Even I wasn’t born at the hospital. I came into the world, as my mom would so lovingly tell me, like a luge athlete, making my first appearance on the tile of her bathroom floor. I also had the added benefit of first aid kits, sterile gauze, painkillers, antibiotics, and the mating fluid drug in my packs to help me out here.
“What does that expression mean?”
Startled, I looked up. Kohka had apparently finished eating and was once again focused entirely on my face. The fire had died down somewhat, casting a flickering, muted glow between us.
“Not sure,” I said. “What kind of expression was I making?”
“One that made you seem very far away from me.”
“I’m not far away,” I said hastily, even though it felt like a lie. “I’m right here.”
But for how long?
“I better get some sleep,” I said. I forced down a few more bites of food, then had some valok gel from a plant Kohka had laid beside me at some point without me noticing.
Kohka rose, ready to help me set up my tent, but I waved him away.
“That’s OK. I don’t need help. My mom used to take me camping all the time, so I’m used to setting up tents, even these heavy hide ones.”
Kohka didn’t look entirely convinced.
I tried to give him a reassuring look.
“Really, it’s fine. I’ve got this.”
Just like I’ve got everything else.
Because I have to.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Kohka
Abby had told the truth – she set up her tent with little trouble. It was not that I doubted her ability to do it, exactly. It was just that I’d gotten used to travelling with Priya and the others. They tended to help each other set up their tents, or the Sea Sand men would sometimes do it for them. Abby, though, did it all on her own, despite the fact she’d already admitted to me that she was tired and sore from today’s journey.
My claws twitched, wanting to do something for her, but not knowing what. I’d already begun to crave the feeling of being needed by her. This morning, she’d begged for my help, and mine alone. But this morning, like the cliffs we’d departed from, already felt very far away. A shore we’d long since left behind.
Once I bring her to the Deep Sky settlement, she will have no further use for me.
The thought was a storm cloud, dark and heavier than it should have been.
Oh, but she will need more mating fluid for her potions, surely.
But then again, Grim and Tok are already at the settlement. So perhaps she will not even need me for that.
“You are not special, Kohka,” I said quietly to myself, my eyes on her. Remembering that fact would keep me from falling into total foolishness. It would keep me from soaring too high with ideas of who I was not, ideas of who I could be to her.
And crashing all the harder with the weight of who I really was.
“Did you say something?” Abby said, turning to me while tightening the last hide strap around the bone pole holding up the front of her tent. The star- and moonlight fell over her like a spill of grogar pearls, adorning every curve, every strand of hair. Her face was luminescent, her eyes somehow both dark and exquisitely bright.
“Nothing of consequence,” I replied.
“Alright. Well, goodnight, Kohka!”
“Goodnight,” I muttered.
She took her things from the sand and then disappeared into the tent.
I stared at the closed tent flap for a long time. Above me, the stars and moons continued their trek across the sky. The fire dimmed, the babkit wood shifting, breaking, and becoming something new among the dying heat.
Everything else moves while I stand still.
Finally, I broke myself out of stillness. Abby had set up her tent beside the largest boulder in this area. It came up to my shoulder, and was nearly twice as wide as I was. I sat down, my back to the stone. I tilted my head back, looking up at the sky to keep from staring at the impenetrable wall of Abby’s tent.
Well, impenetrable to my eyes. A single swipe of my claw would tear it. Open things back up so I could see her.
You do not need to see her, I told myself forcefully. You can barely even handle smelling her.
The heavy hide of the tent helped blunt the evocative force of her scent, at least. I’d spent most of the day breathing through my mouth, around the handle of my spear, to keep from being overpowered the way I’d been in the human ship. But sometimes even that did not work, because when she got close enough, or I did not carry her on my back fast enough, I could taste her in the air instead.
No matter what I did, my thoughts went to her. I wondered if she was warm enough, alone in that small tent. I wondered if she was asleep now, and what she’d look like if she was. I wondered if, like me, she dreamed.
I wondered who she was in the darkness when nobody else could see.
Whoever learned those things, whoever got to be at her side in the most quiet parts of the night, would be a lucky male indeed. With so few females, the odds are that she will end up mated to someone sooner or later. Perhaps a Deep Sky warrior. My breath hissed in response to that. My guts tightened, and I hammered my fist against my abdomen, focusing on the physical tension of my body to keep other feelings at bay.
Other feelings that felt far too much like sadness for my liking.
Sadness.
And longing.
When it happens, all I can do is hope that he will be worthy of her.
Like Abby swimming, I had trouble picturing such a thing. I respected many of my fellow warriors.
And yet, I could not name a single male I’d want to see with her. Not a single one who I thought might deserve her.
Why am I even thinking about this? I am entirely too wrapped up in her. I am her escort into the Deep Sky, nothing more. I need not concern myself so much with her future. She is capable and beautiful and clever. She has her own path. As I have mine.
It was just that...
My path seemed to have gotten a whole lot brighter, ever since it crossed with hers.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Abby
Kohka was already up and had breakfast ready by the time I emerged sleepily from the tent just after dawn.
“Wow. I could get used to this,” I said, smiling in thanks at the fact Kohka had already caught another rakdo and had collected some valok plants from nearby while I’d been sleeping. Not that I will be getting used to this, I thought, my smile souring. I’ll just have to enjoy it for now.
We ate quickly, and I had to admit that I enjoyed performing such a mundane task with Kohka, even if he barely said two words all morning. Having company, even quiet company, was a balm to my fraying nerves. I felt safe around Kohka. I soaked in the feeling, trying to memorize it for when I’d be alone.
After eating, as I gave myself a quick scrub with talka gel and put on clean clothes, I wondered about what Kohka thought of me. The guy was so often silent. Sometimes nearly stoic. He probably thought I was chaos personified. A loud, weird intrusion into his world.
I felt a twinge when I remembered what I’d said to him at the ship the other day. Maybe you don’t care about me at all. That’s OK! You don’t have to be my friend.
He hadn’t exactly corrected me.
“Well, that’s probably for the best,” I muttered as I packed up all my stuff inside the tent. The friendlier we got, the harder it would be to leave him. It would be better if he just kept thinking of me as the weird human who talked too much.
And I’d keep thinking of him as...
Let’s not go there.
It didn’t take long after I was packed to take down the tent. But even though it was quick, I was drenched in sweat by the time I was done. The rising sun was wicked hot already, and pregnancy made me a lot more sensitive to heat than before.
I wiped my hand across my face, certain that it was shiny and red and hoping that Kohka didn’t notice.
Whatever. It’s a look. And I thought I wasn’t going to worry about what he thought of me, anyway?
It was turning out to be harder than I’d anticipated.
OUR TRAVELS OVER THE sand that day were uneventful. Everything was a monotonous blur of copper-gold dunes, occasionally broken up by clusters of rock or babkit trees. The whipping air made it hard to talk to Kohka, too, so the journey was largely made in silence.
Which turned out to be a bit of a problem. Because about halfway into our trip, a question exploded into my head.
And I could not get it out.
It seemed to grow inside me the longer I thought about it without asking it out loud. So much so that, by the time night fell and Kohka let me down in our camping spot, I blurted it out without any sort of preamble or context.
“Kohka! Do you have a mate?”
For some reason, I had never considered it before. But of course, not all the warriors who’d come here from the island were single. There were lots of Bitter Sea women from what I’d heard. Had Kohka left someone behind?
My question appeared to have caught Kohka off-guard. He’d been mid-pack-unstrapping, and his claws were now frozen at his sides. Under the inky night sky, he towered like something constructed from highly-polished chrome.
“No. I do not,” he finally replied. There was something unreadable in his reply that made me think he maybe wasn’t telling me everything.
“OK. No mate,” I said. I licked my suddenly very dry lips. “Do you have anyone else you’re involved with? That you have feelings for?”
Kohka’s claws began to move again, taking his spear down and removing my packs from his sides. Every movement he made was one of precisely controlled power.
“I... I do not have any attachments to a female from the Bitter Sea.”
I felt my eyebrows rise. That was oddly specific wording.
“Alright, no special ladies back home, got it. What about at the Sea Sand settlement? Or one of the women who’s gone to the Deep Sky settlement already?”
I held my breath waiting for his reply, suddenly anxious that he’d tell me he had feelings for another human woman. Jesus. Am I jealous? That’s the last thing I need.
My breath whooshed out of me when Kohka simply said, “No. I do not have feelings for a female currently at the Sea Sand settlement or the Deep Sky settlement.”
I should not be so happy about that fact.
“Did you have anyone before, though? Any past loves or anything?”
“No.”
That surprised me a little. He’s a virgin?
“So, you’ve never been with a woman before?” I asked to clarify. “Not even one of your kind?”
“I have not.”
“Why not?”
“The Kell has not yet called me.”
“Yeah, but still. I know that some of the Sea Sand guys had... Uh... Romantic dalliances with women who weren’t their mates before they got their mate vision. And the Bitter Sea doesn’t have the same lack of females, right? There are a lot more women. So there had to be opportunities.”
