Chase, page 18
“They’re starting to make noises about me settling down, to show I’m serious and ready to take the helm at the family business,” he says, looking over at the dogs playing together. “But I don’t want any of it. I don’t want to live in a loveless relationship; that’s not fair to anyone. But if I come clean, I’m out with nothing. I feel so damn trapped!”
“Have you had any idea of what you might want to do? As in, which direction you’d like to take?”
It’s not my job to tell Will what to do, he has to come to his own conclusions and realize his own potential.
“After months of debating which is the worst of the two options before me, I’m kind of leaning toward being honest. You know, short-term pain for long-term gain.”
He shrugs his shoulders nervously before looking at me for some sort of confirmation that his decision is the right one.
“I can’t tell you to go either way, Will, but if that’s what your gut is telling you to do, maybe you should listen to it,” I reply, even though I happen to agree with him. If he decides to go along with the lie, his life is going to be long and miserable for both him and whoever he ends up with.
“I think it’s the best way forward,” he says, nodding decidedly, as if talking more to himself than me. “I’m going to tell them this weekend. Will you still come and see me on Monday?”
“Of course,” I reply before giving him a warm hug, which might not be professional, but as a friend, I can tell it’s what he needs.
We part ways and I watch as he leaves, all the while chewing the inside of my lip, hoping it isn’t going to be as awful as he believes it will. I like Will and he deserves to be happy.
_____
Izzy
Back at home, I receive a call from Theo, telling me he’s going to have to return to the States for a few days but will be back on Friday. When I eventually hang up the call, I can’t help but stare down at the lifeless contraption in my hand; I don’t want him to go. What if he doesn’t come back? What if it’s like last time all over again? This is the exact reason I’ve been protecting my heart for all these years; I know I won’t survive it if he abandons me again.
“Nobody loves you, Isobel, least of all Theo. I bet he’s banging some cheerleader as we speak. You’ll just be a distant memory…a regret he remembers once in a while.”
“Breathe, Izzy, just breathe,” I gasp, clutching at my chest for fear I won’t get enough air in my lungs to stay conscious.
Stella rushes over to me as I slide down onto the floor, my vision turning black as my breath becomes more labored. She whimpers as she pads about me, nudging her nose under my arm in a panic. It’s enough for me to talk myself down and regain control of my breathing. The blackness turns light and the golden dog before me becomes visible as I wrap my arms around her neck.
“At least, I’ll have you, my big beautiful wuppit,” I whisper, knowing Theo was right, I do need her to love. She’ll be the one to keep me from sinking because she needs me just as much as I need her.
_____
Penny stops by on the Wednesday following Theo’s departure. Stella has kept me going for the last few days, in between clients. But tonight is the first time I’ve managed to laugh since he left, so I welcome it by breaking my two-glass rule. Besides, I’m more than safe here with Penny and my ferocious guard dog, who is currently lying on her back in front of the open fire. The flames keep me hypnotized for a while, my mind wondering about Will, Theo, and things I would rather forget. Things I will never be able to forget.
“So, how are things between you and the hot American? The step-bitch told me you two are engaged?” Penny thankfully snaps me out of my memories with a nudge of her foot against my thigh. “Gotta say, Aunt Iz, you work fast!”
“It’s a long story,” I sigh as I throw my head against the back of the sofa. “But I can admit, we seem to be growing closer. Theo was my best friend; I guess he still is.”
“So that explains the fur baby,” she says, gesturing toward Stella with the tip of her chin.
“Yes, my beautiful girl,” I reply with a smile, staring at her for a moment before everything comes back to haunt me. “Beauty is a funny thing, don’t you think? Stella will always be beautiful, even when she’s old. Dogs never lose their ability to make you love them.”
“I sense we’re about to get deep, Izzy,” she says so softly, I remain in my trance, still thinking about it all.
“When Theo left for the States, I lost myself in drink. It won’t surprise you to know that my parents had quite the wine collection, as well as my mother’s personal supply of vodka. Things turned bleak for me when he left, but no matter how bad things got, I held onto the hope that he’d come back for me. Weeks turned into months, months turned into years, and I heard nothing. I would dream about it, him walking through my bedroom door to save me.”
“Save you from what, Izzy?” she asks, the concern more than evident in her voice.
“From the loneliness…the ugly in me,” I reply cryptically.
“Ugly? You are one of the most beautiful women I’ve met in real life, Izzy, I would kill to look like you. Like, literally!” she says, her eyes bulging, so I offer a small smile.
“That’s what’s been said about many women over the centuries, only for them to be turned into cautionary tales. Medusa, for example. She was said to have been extremely beautiful, but where did it get her? Brutally raped, then punished for it. She was made into something so ugly, no one could ever love her again. And what became of him, the perpetrator? Absolutely nothing. And what’s more, it was a woman who judged her, condemned her, and ultimately destroyed her.”
“Jesus, Izzy, I wasn’t prepared for Ancient Greek myths this evening, but I can tell you this, you are not ugly or unlovable.”
“Perhaps not,” I sigh as I reach to the table to put my last glass down, no longer wishing to drink anymore. “But if it is what I think of myself, I may as well be.”
“What happened, babe?” she says sadly, trying to move closer toward me, but I recoil, unable to stand human touch right now. Instead, I get to my feet and lie next to Stella who taps me with her paw at the same time as moaning for a belly rub.
“I’m damaged, Penny, seriously damaged. I might not have snakes for hair but trust me, I’m just as monstrous. If Theo knew the things I’d done, he’d probably run for the hills.”
“You know you can tell me anything and I wouldn’t think any differently of you. And I suspect, neither would Theo.”
“I can’t,” I whisper sadly, tears already running down my face, so she nods in acceptance. “I can’t even say it to myself, Pen.”
“I understand, Iz, but know that if you need anything, anything at all, you can always call me.
“Thank you,” I reply at the same time as I wipe away my tears, already knowing I won’t call her, or anyone. Not even Nonna; I learned to only depend on myself. “Anyway, how are things with you? Is it love with Jamie?”
“He’s a bit…clingy,” she says, purposefully trying to make me laugh with a theatrical grimace. “He is great for now, but I’m not sure I want to settle down and all. I’m only nineteen.”
“Nineteen, that’s a good age,” I reply, remembering that this was how old I was when I first began to feel safe again. My parents might not have given much of a shit about me, but they still gave me my university fund, so I moved across the country to study. “Not wanting to settle down is more than fair enough at your age, however, you have to be honest with him. Don’t string him along; that’s a horrible place to be in.”
“I’m going to see how our trip to Spain goes and then decide whether to stick with him or not,” she says with a small shrug, just as my phone beeps with a text message.
How are my girls? I miss you two. X
I smile, reading his words before writing an instant reply.
We’re good. She’s pining for you though. She knows who the soft touch is. X
Penny continues talking in the background about where she and Jamie are going to visit, but I’m far too distracted by Theo’s messages to take any real note.
Are you pining for me? I was kind of hoping you were missing me too. X
“Who are you texting?” Penny asks in an amused tone of voice. “It’s him, isn’t it? Oh man, I knew you were falling for him!”
“What?!” I fake laugh. “We’re just texting, you crazy bitch.”
“I know that look, that gushy, ‘He text me, he text me!’ goofy look,” she teases while pointing at me with a grin on her face. “You want him…bad!”
Panic begins to bubble up inside me when I realize she’s right. So, being the kind of messed up individual that I am, I text back something completely generic in an attempt to throw him off the scent.
I’m shattered. See you on Friday.
I feel utterly horrible for the emotionless message, but this is self-preservation; he is seriously beginning to break down my walls. Besides Stella, I can’t let him or anybody else do that.
Theo
I stare at the bland message Izzy’s just sent back to me, momentarily hoping to find something more, something that clearly isn’t there. When I eventually come to realize there is nothing that can be salvaged from it, I shut my eyes and throw the phone across the room. It lands with a thud on the ground, enough noise to probably have alerted my mom who is directly below me, most likely cooking. I should go down and apologize or at least explain myself, however, I can’t bring myself to get off my old bed. The room hasn’t changed at all; it’s still covered in posters of my favorite bands and pro-surfers. I remember being in this exact position many times when I moved home, just wondering what Izzy was up to, much like I am now. Will things ever change for us? Or am I wishing on make-believe?
“Wanna talk about it?” Mom asks, leaning against my doorway. Like the sulky teenager I used to be, I simply shake my head and sigh.
“I thought we were getting closer, but I guess I was wrong,” I tell her, staring at the ceiling and feeling wretched.
“Trust me, Izzy is special,” Mom says as she walks over to sit on the end of the bed. “And you know us blondes are a little crazy,” she laughs softly before looking sadly at me. “You, my dear, are very special too. You both deserve love and happiness.”
“It feels like I’ve hit another brick wall,” I admit. “And I’m trying to be patient, Mom, I really am, but it’s so damn frustrating when she seemingly moves forward, then runs back again.”
“Well, she’s been through a lot, we both know this,” she says unhelpfully. “And let’s face it, Izzy has always been more… complicated than most girls.”
She giggles, a sound that reminds me of when Izzy was fun-loving and carefree. She giggled like this all the time but now it’s few and far between.
“The dog suggestion was genius,” I admit, for it was Mom’s idea. “She loved it and I guess I’ve fallen for the lil mutt too.”
“I knew she needed something like that to love,” she says, crossing her arms in an ‘I told you so’ way. “Animals often give you unrequited love. Apart from geese, those bastards are punchy assholes.”
I haven’t told Mom about Izzy’s nightmare, neither have I told her about Ethan and the head injury, which I’m pretty certain he inflicted. I trust Mom completely, but I don’t want to risk anything getting back to Izzy’s family. Sometimes people can put their foot in their mouth, so she’s better off not knowing.
“Dinner’s ready. I baked you a lasagne, your fave,” she says, getting to her feet and holding out her hand for me like I’m a little boy again. I don’t feel like eating but I can’t say no to her; I love this woman just as much as I love Izzy.
Chapter 18
Izzy
Christ, it’s been a shitty day! Two no-shows at work, a stubbed toe on the underground and Tilly blabbering on about getting together for ‘luncheon’ at the weekend, but only if I promise to bring Theo. Fuck off, Tilly, you’re the last person I would want to have any kind of food with, particularly a meal you have so pretentiously dubbed as ‘luncheon’. I told her I was shooting a vital scene for my next porno hit, to which she scoffed and hung up on me. I guess that was the only highlight of today.
The door looms in front of me and I can’t help feeling relieved to be back here again. Dare I say it, but this place is starting to feel like home, even if it has been Nonna’s secret for years. As usual, I shuffle through, chuck my bags, keys, and coat onto the hallway floor, all the while smiling to myself as I imagine Theo’s reaction to my slobbish behavior. I then remember the message I sent him, the one that could have been sent from a virtual stranger, and hate myself again. However, the doorbell chimes and I manage to push my guilt aside. Instead, I get excited because it’s the doggy daycare guy coming to bring my baby back home.
“Stella, Stella, bing bong!” I beam as she battles against her lead to get to me with her crazy tail wagging all over the place. “I’ve missed you, baby, come over here and show me some love!”
I hold out my arms and she finally breaks free, pushing us both to the floor with over-excited enthusiasm. She slobbers all over me, kissing me like we’ve been separated for months instead of mere hours.
“If you ever want to give her up, I will gladly take her off your hands,” Max, the doggy daycare worker, offers with a wide grin. “She is gorgeous!”
“Don’t count on it, she’s all mine; aren’t you, baby?”
Stella practically licks me to death in answer and I laugh for the first time today. Max says goodbye as I wave from my position on the floor, momentarily watching as he closes the door behind him. After a few more kisses, I tempt Stella off me by declaring it her dinner time. She jumps back so I can go and prepare the other love of her life - food. She attacks the dog bowl with aggression, so I leave her to it and go and pour myself a glass of wine. I look at her with contentedness, leaning over the breakfast bar to watch her guzzle down her dry old dog biscuits like they’re the finest cuisine to hit her plate.
The doorbell chimes again and I frown at the clock, wondering who it could be. Maybe Penny left something here, but she flew out this morning so it couldn’t be her. Or perhaps Tilly has come to berate me about my declining her ‘luncheon’ this morning. I continue on this vein of trying to guess who it is all the while I walk over to the door to open it. However, as soon as I take a look through the peephole, I jump back in fear. Standing on the other side of the door is Ethan and his scowling face.
“Know this, Isobel, we hate you…we all hate you!”
At first, I remain frozen still, questioning myself as to what I should do for the best. Ethan hasn’t come to see me alone since I was at university, and he was never welcome. There’s no way I intend on opening that door with him anywhere near this house. So, holding my breath, I step back as quietly as a mouse, hoping he hasn’t heard me. I jump with terror when he begins thumping on the door. Stella begins barking and running up to the door to investigate the intruder on the other side. It only has me releasing tears of abject fear over him getting to me without Theo being here to protect me. And there’s no mistaking, I know what can happen when I have no one to protect me from my big brother.
“Open the fucking door, Isobel!” he yells angrily.
Opening my mouth to release a silent scream, I begin shaking my head before slamming my hands over my mouth.
Please, just go, just go! Help me, just go!
“Isobel, I know you’re there and I know you’re alone. If you don’t open the door, I’ll beat it down with my fists!”
I don’t doubt he will because he is, after all, a hulk of a bully with anger issues and has always hated me. Hated me enough to destroy me in any way he knew how. He thuds on the door again, so I step back and crouch down on the floor, trying to make myself smaller and smaller. Stella continues to bark while fresh tears of fear trickle down my cheeks.
“Isobel!” he screams, making me tremble and whimper.
“What do you want, Ethan?” I shout out when I can bear it no longer. Just go, leave me alone!
“I want to fucking talk to you. Now open.The.Damn.Door.NOW!” he shouts, smacking the door once more, which causes Stella to bark even louder.
“T-talk to me through the door, I can hear you,” I say with a small ounce of bravery. “I’m not opening the door. I’ll…I’ll…call the police!”
“And tell them what exactly? Your brother has come around to talk to you?” I’m sure they’ll be wetting their pants to come and rescue you, you stupid bitch!”
“Why? Why do you hate me, Ethan?” I close my eyes and push the words out quietly, giving in to crying because I can’t even begin to hold it in any longer. Stella turns back to me and whimpers before nuzzling her nose into the crook of my neck. “Why can’t you just leave me alone?”
He doesn’t say anything for a moment or two and part of me, a hopeful part, thinks he might have given up and gone. But then I hear him shift on the gravel outside and I know my hopes are wasted.
“Listen, whore, you so much as say anything to lover boy, I will personally make your life a living hell, do you understand me?” He spits out through clenched teeth, and I wonder what more he could do to me that he hasn’t already done. “If I have it my way, he’ll ditch you before this joke of a marriage goes ahead. You don’t deserve happiness. The only thing you deserve is my wrath!”
“Why?!” I scream, yanking at my hair. “What did I ever do to you?”
“You practically destroyed this family the moment you were born!” he yells, giving away nothing but disgust for my existence.
“Get out!” I yell and throw some heavyweight ornament at the door that makes a loud thud and splinters the wood. “Get the fuck away from me and leave me alone. I hate you!”
“Not as much as I despise you!”
Thankfully, after a few intense minutes, I hear him turn and leave, the gravel crunching under his feet as he walks away. I don’t move until a screech of tires can be heard making their way down the driveway in his pretentious car.
