Chase, page 14
“What’s this handsome beast’s name then?” I ask while letting his dog sniff my hand before petting him. The dog is beyond friendly, and I needn’t have worried about him being aggressive; I think he would roll over and let you do anything for a belly rub.
“Dave,” he replies, and I can’t help but burst into laughter.
“You can’t call a dog Dave!” I giggle, and the dog’s entire body begins shaking in excitement.
“I was only ten when we got him, and my grandad had recently passed. I wanted to name this little ball of fluff after him, so…yeah.”
“Well, then it’s a great name,” I tell him, smiling at the dog, then up at Will again. “Shall we?” I ask, gesturing toward the forest.
The sun is shining but it’s early enough for it not to be up to full heat. I find myself enjoying the peace and tranquillity of it all, just like I used to when I was trying to escape home. I thought things were hard then, I never believed it could get harder. But it did. Things got so hard; I thought I wouldn’t come out of it alive. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t. Even just thinking that has me flinching, so I take in a deep breath. The smell of pine infiltrates my nose and I take it all in with greed.
For a while, we engage in unimportant chit-chat - stuff to do with his course, friends, recent music, and films - normal subjects of conversation between two friends. After about forty minutes, I feel the need to try and gently steer the conversation, just to give him a little encouragement to open up.
“So, I had my own panic attack the other day,” I admit. “I ended up having one of my ice-cold showers to numb my thoughts, as well as my body.”
“Never tried doing that myself,” he laughs nervously. “I’m trying not to smoke weed. My GP has prescribed some anti-depressants to try and calm my anxiety, but…”
He shrugs, obviously not sure if he wants to go down that route. It can be hard, especially if you don’t get on with the tablets they give you. I remember trying four or five before finding one that did anything remotely positive. I’d get up in the night and faint, feel itchy inside my brain, or just feel sick.
“They can help,” I finally reply, all the while bobbing my head. “I was on them for a few years, but I couldn’t find the right ones. They either didn’t work, or I felt ill with them. But they do work for a lot of my clients.”
“I think I know part of the reason I’m having them…the panic attacks, I mean,” he says, and I breathe carefully, not wanting to spook him. “I’ve been kind of trying to fight certain feelings for a while now, but I know I can’t forever.”
“I’m here to listen if you need me to, Will,” I tell him softly, keeping my eyes trained forward, focusing my attention on Dave so I give him the space he needs. “You know this is all confidential, don’t you?”
“Yeah,” he sighs, “but I haven’t said it out loud before. It feels like if I do say it, then that’s it. It’s real and I’m worried it might make things worse.”
“Or better?” I smile for reassurance as I turn to see his anxious expression. “But I understand. Really, I do. I’ve got plenty of things buried in the back of my mind which I can’t seem to say out loud.”
He nods, but his frown only deepens the longer we walk along in silence. He chooses not to say anything, and I decide not to push him further. The last thing I want to do is pressure him into something he’s not ready for. Instead, we walk along in continued silence while watching Dave for what feels like about an hour. I steal glances his way and the changing expressions he pulls tug at my heartstrings. He’s fighting a battle, desperately wanting to confide in me, but finding it too hard to start that conversation. I can relate, but I also know we are soon going to come to the end of the walk. My bike and his car are in view, and I can’t put off going back to the house for much longer. If it wasn’t for Theo, I would blow off this fake engagement party, but I can’t do that to him. Not even I’m that selfish.
“Will, would it help if I share something about me?” I ask, having a last-ditch attempt at helping him to open up. I know he’ll kick himself if we don’t at least touch on his issues before the walk is finished. I trust Will, and besides, I no longer have anything to lose. “It’s sometimes the way I go. Offer a little secret of mine so the other person feels like they can trust me a bit more?”
He bites his thumbnail before eventually offering me a slight nod of his head. I smile, which seems to relax him.
“Ok, let’s see, something no one knows.” I think for a moment, trying to dissect all the secrets floating around the back of my head; there are so many to choose from. “So, I haven’t been with anyone since I was nineteen. And even that was nothing to speak of. The poor guy was someone I was trying to have a ‘normal’ relationship with, but when it got to the hot and heavy part of things, I froze…completely.”
I sigh sadly, remembering how heartbroken he’d looked before he tried to convince me how long he was willing to wait, just because he liked me that much. He’d reminded me of Theo, the way he had looked at me on that final night. But that’s all he was, a reminder. I knew he would never be more than a stand-in, and I also knew he’d be waiting a heck of a long time before I would be ready to get naked with him. So, although I broke his heart that night, I walked away, knowing that doing so would mean the break wouldn’t be permanent. Truth be told, I also couldn’t accept his kindness. It was too soon, too ‘brazen’ for want of a better word, for me to handle.
“I told him I couldn’t do it and broke it off. After that, I knew I couldn’t be with anyone; it wouldn’t be fair to them or me, so I’ve lived like a nun of sorts.”
“Why do you think that happened?” he asks with a frown, still chewing anxiously on his thumbnail.
“I have a pretty good idea why, but that’s another secret to tell,” I laugh nervously, and he accepts my answer.
“I’ve fallen for someone,” he sighs in such a way, I feel like the battle to get those few words out has been exhausting for him.
“Ok,” I say slowly, to which he shakes his head.
“I’ve fallen for someone who isn’t…isn’t…”
He breaks off, clutching the sides of his head and shaking it. I pat his shoulder gently, but his breathing begins to get erratic.
“I’ve fallen for someone who isn’t a girl, is much older than me, and is in a position which would land us both in a lot of trouble if my family were to find out.”
He begins hyperventilating, so I help him to shift down to the ground, telling him to put his head between his legs because he’s beginning to lose all color from his face. Dave starts whimpering and barking around us all the while I try to speak calmly and rationally to him. After his initial panic, and Dave trying to nuzzle his neck, Will eventually begins to follow my instructions to breathe in and out slowly.
“Will,” I begin gently, “let’s break this down a little – bitesize pieces - ok?” He nods and I wonder which bite to begin with. “Firstly, is the relationship consensual? He’s not forcing you against your will, is he?”
“No,” he gasps, staring at Dave while he cuddles him, his focal point of reassurance.
“You are safe with this man?” I clarify, because I have a duty of care, and this is the most basic thing I need to make sure of.
“Safer than my own parents,” he tells me, and I believe him.
“Ok, that’s good,” I reply, keeping crouched but without trying to force him to look at me. “Let’s take the first thing on your list. You’ve fallen for a man; who is this a problem for? You? Or someone else?”
“Izzy, I’ve known since I hit puberty. While my friends were drooling over Scarlett Johanssen, I was dreaming of Henry Cavil. I came out to Jamie and Oscar at fourteen. They didn’t give a shit; even said they had already worked it out years ago.”
“Ok, so from what you’re saying, those with the problem are your family?” I venture, feeling the pain of this through my own experience. My family has always been my enemy.
“You don’t…” he says through panicked breaths, “you don’t know my family, Izzy. They’re not like me and you. They will literally disown me…or even worse. I’m next in line to take over the family business, which is so old-fashioned, it would never accept a homosexual CEO. I fucking hate it but it’s what is expected of me. I’ve been ear-marked for this role since I was born. Private school, degree, CEO, marry some conservative daughter of some business associate, have two kids, three at a push, and live quietly, albeit miserably, ever after.”
“I understand, Will,” I tell him, and I hope he sincerely believes me. “I’m glad you confided in me.”
I hold him tight in a motherly-type fashion and he grips onto my arm with white knuckle force, all the while he lets everything out.
_____
Izzy
After I eventually said goodbye to Will, I felt emotional. Old feelings and thoughts which I try to keep buried, had been brought to the surface and I didn’t enjoy it at all. For that very reason, I made sure I arranged to meet with him next week. Perhaps if I had had someone to talk to, someone who was on my side, I might be a tiny bit less fucked up. Possibly. Who knows if someone can ever get over what I went through.
When I arrive back at the house, it’s already time for me to get ready for this farce of an engagement party. I consider my options of dressing appropriately or going with my usual shock of ripped jeans and a tight tank top. But then I remember Nonna is coming so I better look like I’m trying. Against my usual style, I put on a pale blue summer dress, and a pair of white sandals and let my hair fall down my back. It’s curly in the summer humidity so I try to tame it a little, only to give up after a short while. My makeup is basic to say the least, but more than my usual slapdash of tinted moisturizer.
Before I leave the safety of my room, I slide on Nonna’s ring and admire it for a little bit. It’s simplistic but beautiful; a small white gold band with a princess-cut aquamarine stone with two small diamonds at the side. I’ve never seen it before and wonder where it came from. I’m sure Tilly will scoff over how dainty it is, but to me, it’s perfect.
When I finally descend the staircase, I see Theo talking to one of the caterers, just before he turns around to look at me. His expression has me feeling all the more nervous. He looks at me like he’s seeing me for the first time, with his eyes traveling up and down my body in some kind of awe and wonder.
“Stop it!” I snap as I continue stomping down the steps as ungracefully as I can. “This is as dressed up as I get.”
“Sorry, but you just look so…so…”
“Spit it out, Theodore,” I growl, causing him to smirk.
“It’s horrible. Yuck, get it off!” he chuckles, irritatingly making me smile with him, which he more than revels in.
“You look quite horrible yourself,” I tease, even though, in all seriousness, I could totally eye fuck this guy all night. This is ridiculous given that I can’t seem to bring myself to actually do anything physically sexual.
He picks up my hand and studies the ring before looking into my eyes with a serious expression. I hold my breath when he shocks me by placing his lips gently against the back of my hand. I have to look away from it, but I do let him hold it a moment longer. I can feel an uncomfortable heat spreading all over my body, and though I know I am safe with Theo, I feel vulnerable.
“Drink,” he says, shoving a glass of dark liquor in my hand. I take a sniff and grimace. “I know you only have a two drink rule but it will relax your nerves. Now, with me, one, two, three…”
We both gulp back the liquid, emptying the shot glass and allowing it to burn down our throats. He lets out a satisfying gasp at the same time as I cough and sputter. I’m about to launch into a full-blown coughing attack when the doorbell chimes. A fit of nerves hits my entire body and I have to inhale deeply to stop myself from being sick.
“Ready?” Theo whispers, seeing the very real fear in my eyes.
“To throw up and run? Sure,” I reply, metaphorically placing my mask back on so I can feel at least a little bit more in control of what’s about to happen. “Just do it.”
Chapter 14
Izzy
Theo looks conflicted, but when the doorbell chimes again, he nods and opens the door to my parents, Tilly and her new husband, and finally, Nonna. There are the usual hellos and greetings, the air-kissing from Tilly and Mother, a slapping handshake from Dad, and an affectionate chuckle from Nonna, but these are all for Theo and Theo alone. When they finally set their eyes on me, they look like the wind has been knocked out of them.
“Isobel?” Mother’s frown furrows her forehead all the while she looks at me in shock. “You look so different. Why, you could almost pass for one of the young ladies at one of our soirees!”
“Oh, come on, Mother, it’s a dress,” Tilly scoffs, shoving her jacket toward me like I’m a faceless maid. “Is it through here, Theo, darling?”
Before he can answer her in any way, she walks into the living room. My father follows her without even a single word of acknowledgment for me on his way past.
“I think you look lovely, Isobel,” Tilly’s husband, Gary, smiles warmly before leaning in to kiss me on the cheek in greeting. Like I’ve said before, he seems pretty nice, especially for someone who chose to marry my bitch of a sister. There must be something dodgy about him…surely?
“Please call me Izzy,” I correct him, not quite grouping him with the likes of my awful family. Only they ever call me Isobel, everyone else is corrected because I’ve already been through so much with them as enemies; I don’t need anymore. He doesn’t read anything into my comment, merely nods before following on after his wife and father-in-law.
“That’s a lovely dress, Izzy, but you look uncomfortable, dear,” Nonna says as she creeps up behind me. She then offers me one of her hugs that softens me, in spite of her meddling and secrets. When we part, she looks down at my ring finger and grins unashamedly at the sight of her antique ring decorating my hand for all to see. “Suits you,” she simply says, just as Theo offers his arm to take her through with the others.
I take a large inhale of air, bracing myself to go and face them all when the doorbell chimes one more time. I immediately furrow my brow, wondering who else Theo could have invited here this evening, but then remember the guy from last night. They looked pretty close, so I suppose it makes sense he would have been invited here to celebrate his friend’s engagement. With that in mind, I put on my fake smile, open the door, and prepare myself to welcome him in, hopefully making a better impression than the one I presented last night.
Alas, it isn’t Theo’s friend from last night. In fact, if Satan himself had been standing before me, I’m sure I wouldn’t be feeling quite as horrified as I am now.
“Isobel,” Ethan utters with something that is so far from a smile, I can only describe it as pure hatred. It isn’t until I audibly gasp, because no other words are able to follow this turn of events, that he quirks the corner of his mouth. He knows I’m scared…I’m always scared…because of him.
Beside his tall, over-bearing physique, is his equally tall girlfriend, Selene. Though she’s barely ever said a word to me, I do know we couldn’t be more opposite. She nearly matches his six-foot-something frame and has short, perfectly styled black hair. She’s all sharp, pointy lines, whereas I’m petite, curvy, and with plenty of boobage to go around.
“Theo?” I finally shout out, sounding much too pitched to appear nonchalant over seeing them. “It’s Skeletor and his missus.”
Ethan simply tuts and rolls his eyes before dumping his and Selene’s coats on top of Tilly’s in my arms. I’m ignored, of course, while they march through into the living room. Ignored is good though, ignored means I’m safe. As for their ugly, overpriced coats, I sort of do a dance of indecision before I throw them on the floor inside the kitchen. I’m about to walk out when an idea springs to mind, childish though it is. I grab a little chili powder out of the cupboard and sprinkle a healthy serving on top of the coats, hoping it will reach their fingers before wiping their eyes, or even better, going to the toilet.
When I eventually enter the living room, Theo is apologizing on behalf of his parents who are running late due to traffic on the M3. He sees me and smiles before holding out his hand for me to take hold of. I walk over slowly and grip it with white-knuckle force. I might still be angry with him, however, right now, I know I only have Nonna and him on my side. He looks at me and smiles genuinely, seemingly relieved over my reciprocation, even if this is all pretend. My parents, however, glance at one another with confusion and I wonder how much, or how little, Theo has told them.
“So, I guess you’re all wondering why I asked you to come over tonight,” he says, as if he’s just read my mind.
“It’s always a pleasure to see you, darling, you know that.” Tilly’s over-the-top upper RP accent always grates on my nerves, but put together with her saccharine-sweet expression, I especially feel like I want to vomit right now.
“Er…yes, of course. However, I also wanted to tell you all that Izzy and I have been seeing each other for about a year or so now.” The simultaneous rise of eyebrows around the room tells me they’re both shocked and not overly comfortable with the news. “But last month, I found the courage to propose to her and I’m over the moon to tell you that she accepted.”
As soon as the last word has escaped through his lips, I feel his grip on my hand tighten. He turns to look me straight in the eye. He plays with the ring on my finger, all the while I think what a bloody great actor he is.
Gasps fill the room but Nonna’s clapping causes me to giggle a little - cheeky old minx. Theo grins too but then wipes it off as soon as he takes in the reactions of everyone else in the room.
“What about Cindy?” Tilly asks, sounding heartbroken. “I thought things were going so well with you both.”
“I can answer that one,” I chip in, remembering to give them the act they all so love for me to deliver. The same one that gives them an excuse to think even less of me. Unfortunately, it also sets Theo on edge, but not enough to stop me. “I told Theo to have one more fling; you know, before he ties himself down to one vagina for the rest of his life.” Nonna giggles as I take a slurp of wine for Dutch courage to go on. “I did tell him to choose more carefully, but I guess she came along first. Between you and I, they only had the one night,” I continue before theatrically putting my hand to my mouth and whispering, “he told me it was like shagging a rabbit hole.”
