Women of Courage, page 60
Hope had eaten humble pie as much as it was possible for a person to do, but it didn’t seem to appease her boss.
That night Betty appeared, but nothing was seen of Agatha.
‘Do you think she’s alright?’ Hope asked.
‘Isn’t she always,’ Betty snapped back.
But Hope was feeling anxious, something was brewing. A foreboding had been building in her spirit since Sunday, she’d put it down to Douglas’s departure, but now she wasn’t sure as the sensation kept mounting. Despite Betty’s nonchalant attitude, Hope decided to see if she could find ma.
She walked from pub to pub and checked all the places she knew that took bets under the counter and asked anyone she met who knew them, if they had seen Agatha. She asked all the Runners (betting go-betweens) she met, but they shook their heads. Pitying looks were all she received.
Wednesday’s child is full of woe, and so was Hope. Ma had returned as they were getting dressed in the morning. From the moment she walked through the doors Hope knew a bombshell was about to explode.
‘Trevor and I have decided to get married.’ The three girls spun around in surprise, the older two were sure she hadn’t divorced Betty’s father yet. Agatha waved her hands at them. ‘Now, now, before you get all worked up and excited you need to understand that we’re only having a quiet Register Office thing. No party, no guests.’
Sally instantly deflated, for one brief moment she had imagined herself as a bridesmaid in a fetching new dress.
Agatha took a deep breath, one which made her bosom heave to nearly twice its normal size. Good grief more? Hope thought with alarm.
‘Trevor has got a new job in Sheffield, and so after the wedding we’ll be moving there.’
‘What?’ yelled both Hope and Betty at the same time.
‘I can’t leave my job,’ shouted Hope.
‘There’s no way I’m going,’ snapped Betty.
And now you can discern for yourself the depth of malice that ran through Agatha, for she actually smiled before she continued. ‘Well, as neither of you are invited to come, you can both do as you please.’
Betty exploded. The language that flew from her mouth came straight from the gutter. Sally started crying. Hope deflated like a marionette whose strings had been cut. She sank to her knees unable to think through all the shouting, crying and shock.
Eventually the wind left Betty, and she ran upstairs to pack a bag. Agatha went screeching after her, and then a fight ensued because everything Betty put in the bag, Agatha snatched out. For the first time in their lives Betty flew at their mother. Hope pulled Sally into her arms and the two of them sat crying as they listened to the pair upstairs screaming and crashing into the walls as they pushed at each other.
Eventually, Betty came stomping down the stairs carrying a bag with hardly anything in it. As she grabbed her coat off the hook, Hope realized that she was leaving. She jumped up in a flash and ran to her.
‘Where are you going? You can’t leave me here. Let me come too.’
A large, angry red mark marred Betty’s cheek where Agatha had slapped her. Hope reached up to touch it, Betty pulled her head back. Through clenched teeth she hissed. ‘That woman will never see me again.’
Sally ran up and grabbed hold of Betty’s leg. ‘Don’t go Betty, please don’t go.’ The sobbing of her little sister must have reached inside Betty’s heart for her steely face softened. She dropped her bag and put one arm around each of her sisters.
‘Sally you’re going to be fine, ma is taking you with them. Hope...’
Hope felt sick. Bile rose up inside her acidic and bitter. Betty was going to desert her too.
‘Hope, you’ll be fine. Ask around at work, someone will have a room you can rent. You’ll have all your wages to yourself you’ll manage, you’ll see. You’re going to be a lot better off.’
Hope couldn’t talk.
‘Right,’ Betty took hold of Hope’s shoulders and made Hope look at her. ‘I’m going to Fred’s flat. He’s already hinted that he wants us to get married, this might be a bit quick like, but I’m sure he won’t turn me away. As soon as we’re married and we get a council house somewhere I’ll come and fetch you and you can live with us, alright?’
‘Me too,’ pleaded Sally.
Hope’s heart broke. What if they never saw Sally again? Water flooded from her eyes but she made no effort to wipe it away. Her life was over. What was the point of living if everyone you love leaves you? Once you’re broken you’re broken forever, right?
Agatha’s stomps on the stairs were heavy, a reflection of her mood.
‘I’m sorry but I’ve got to go, if I stay here I might kill the old bat.’ Betty grabbed her bag and was out of the door before Hope could even whisper goodbye.
Was that a sliver of guilt that brushed against Agatha’s spirit? ‘If, when we get to Sheffield, we can find a house big enough maybe we could send for you. I’ll write a letter to you at the Vernons and let you know.’
Such empty, hollow words.
Thursday’s child may have far to go, but Hope had nowhere.
Trevor came and collected Agatha and Sally in the morning. They didn’t inform the landlord or the school. They didn’t leave a forwarding address or any money for Hope to live on.
After they’d left with a sobbing Sally, Hope sat in the house now empty of sound. Unbearable weight crushed down upon her. She couldn’t bring herself to go to work. The rent, Agatha had told her, was paid up to a week on Friday, so she had that time to find somewhere else to live. ‘Plenty of time,’ ma had said.
Hope went into work on Friday to be told she was sacked. She couldn’t remember walking home.
Saturday, 13th September 1958 just before 12 o’clock
Saturday should have been an exciting day, but how could she go and meet Ted when her life was in pieces? She couldn’t do it. She was too ashamed. How could she admit that no one wanted her? She wasn’t sure if she had slept at all, but as soon as the light came through the window Hope got up. She lit the oven for a little heat, and then cleaned the whole house from top to bottom. By eleven forty-five she’d run out of energy and threw herself across the bed. The bed that she had shared with her sisters for years, ever since moving into this tiny two-up two-down damp, flea-infested hell-hole. It had always been cramped, but they’d managed. Now the emptiness and cold of the building reflected the crushing sting of bleak desolation entering her soul.
As she lay on the bed considering different ways to end her life, a memory crept upon her, of a prayer taught her by one of the staff members at one of the orphanages.
The only religion that had entered her life thus far, outside of school assembly, was the fact that Jesus and God were words used to swear by. They were placed at the end of sentences to emphasize to whoever you were speaking to, that you were wholly and completely irate. Yet this night-time prayer seeped into her memory now, bringing with it something indescribable, something akin to comfort and hope.
Four corners to my bed
Four angels around my head
Matthew, Mark, Luke and John
Bless this bed that I lie on
Before I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
Make me safe by night and day
And bless this house, O Lord we pray
The words ran around and around inside her mind, an endless loop of repetition, over and over until she found herself saying them out loud.
She must have dozed, because she woke with a start. She peered out of the window. It appeared to be late afternoon. She ran down the narrow staircase and into the kitchen, where she washed herself with splashes of cold water, before flying outside.
‘Mrs. Dickens do you know what time it is?’ Hope called, when she spotted her neighbor coming back from the shops, her wicker basket full of food.
‘Why it’s coming up to three, love,’ the woman replied with a pitying smile that was more like a frown. Oh, yes, the whole street would know. Nothing was secret when you all lived on top of each other – and the walls were paper thin.
‘Thank you, Mrs. Dickens.’ Hope threw her a cheery wave and went running up the street. If she walked quickly, she could be at the picture house before four o’clock.
Saturday, 13th September 1958 just after six o’clock
She had arrived hot and sweaty but hadn’t cared, all she’d wanted was to see Ted and tell him everything about herself.
If Ted was half the person she thought he was, he wouldn’t reject her just because her mother was a nut case. She had told herself this repeatedly during the last two hours. Now, she had hardly a thought in her head. She was tired, hungry, cold and numb.
She’d received many a lewd and unseemly comment as she waited, young men suggesting if she had been stood up they’d be happy to walk her home. Although she knew they had something else in mind. She raised her chin and turned her head to ignore them, she would not lower herself by affording them the answer they deserved. She was too proud to cry, remaining upright and stiff, despite her aching feet and legs.
In the end she gave up. She set off for home, her pace slow, and her feet heavy. Why hadn’t he come? Had he woken up the next day without his rosy beer-glasses on and realized he’d made a mistake? It must be something like that. What if Fred had mentioned that the sisters lived in Dingle, and so now Ted knew she was a liar? Damn my pride. That would be a prime reason for not wanting to see her again.
Lost in her thoughts she paid no attention to where she was going. It was only when the sound of the ferry horn blasted that she realized she’d walked down to the Pier Head instead of going home.
She stopped in the middle of the path when a woman bumped into her.
‘Oh, I’m sorry my love, are you alright? I wasn’t looking where I was going.’
Hope gawked at the woman in surprise. ‘Don’t worry it was my fault, I stopped walking, I apologize.’
‘That’s alright, Miss.’ The woman was wearing a warm camel hair coat that almost reached the floor, but her black boots could clearly be seen. She wore a matching Juliette berry hat. Very chic, Hope thought. The women opened her handbag and took out a petite purse. She clicked the metal clasp closures and once open took out six shilling coins. ‘Here,’ she said, offering them to Hope.
‘Pardon, I don’t understand, do you need me to go to the shops for you?’
The woman’s eyes were soft and kind. ‘No, Miss. They are for you.’
‘What for?’ Utterly shocked, Hope temporarily lost her manners.
‘For whatever it is you need. Please take them.’
Hope was flabbergasted. She didn’t know what to say. Why would a complete stranger want to give her money? As if reading Hope’s thoughts, the woman leaned over and took hold of Hope’s hands. She placed the coins in her palm and turned Hope’s fingers over them so she wouldn’t drop them.
‘I believe you should give when you can, and accept when you can’t. Now please accept this gift, for I believe in my spirit that I should give it to you.’
There was a massive lump in Hope’s throat, but she managed to whisper ‘Thank you.’
‘You are most welcome, may the Lord bless you.’ And with that she spun around on her elegant little boots and took herself off to wherever it was she was heading.
Hope opened her palm. Could it be that there was a little hope left in Liverpool after all, for there certainly were kind-hearted people around? She started the hour-long trudge home. She should keep the money and use it wisely she knew that, but she also knew that she was going to go and buy herself a piece of battered fish, no chips mind, just fish.
She had only been at home a short while when there was a soft knock on the door. Instantly, her heart started pounding. Had the landlord found out already? Was he here to kick her out?
She peered behind the living room window curtain and sighed in relief. It was only Phyllis. She opened the door and Phyllis came in. Before Hope had a chance to even say hello, Phyllis grabbed hold of Hope and squeezed the life out of her.
‘Me ma says, you’ve to come to ours if you’ve nowhere to go. You’ll have to share the bed with me and Kitty of course, but I know you won’t mind.’
‘You’re too kind Phyllis, and tell your ma I’m ever so grateful. I hope I’ll find somewhere this week, but it is reassuring to know you’re here.’
Phyllis stayed only a short while, confirming adamantly on her way out that Hope should take them up on their offer if need be.
Hope smiled and waved Phyllis out, but her mood was dark. I’d rather die than admit I’ve no one, and nowhere to live.
Sunday, 14th September 1958
There was nothing to do. She had no energy, and no appetite for life. A dark presence hung over her. Do broken people ever mend? Can they rise from the ashes and build new lives for themselves? Where is hope in despair? Did she bring this on herself?
She had stopped thinking, crying, talking to herself, even moving. She lay on the bed all day and drifted in and out of nightmares where over and over again she caught her teeth as they fell out of her mouth.
Chapter 5
Monday, 15th September 1958 17:45
Days of despair had left Hope hollow. It seemed there was no answer to the question... can broken people be made whole again? Like the shattered egg, the shell appears impossible to repair. Glue leaves ugly scars and even then splinters of the shell are lost, irreplaceable. Hope resembled a broken shell, she was broken, shattered, beyond repair and bereft of hope. Unloved and unwanted.
The wind flowing from the north had brought with it a sudden cold bite, a reminder that summer was over. The sun had slipped into the west and out of sight, taking the last shreds of warmth with it. Almost instantly, a fog had rolled in off the Irish Sea – like an army of misery waiting to do battle.
The Claughton Ferry’s fog horn bellowed across the Mersey River with ghostly echoes.
Hope’s second-hand Linton tweed swing-coat did little to prevent the tenacious swirling wind from freezing her bones, especially her stocking clad legs. Her teeth chattered. The Woolworth’s ten bob knitted gloves did little to stop her fingers losing warmth as she clung with an iron grip to the ferry’s railings. A doctor might have told her that the lack of food meant she had no calories to burn off, and therefore she wasn’t creating heat, turning the cold September wind into something more like the icy claws that normally only came with the February snows.
She couldn’t see anything, not even lights from the other ferries she knew trekked the waters, all of which would be taking workers home at the end of another long day in Liverpool. She glanced over her shoulder, back towards the cabins that housed her fellow passengers. They would think her mad for standing out here, madder still if they knew her intent.
On the way over to Birkenhead she had been surrounded by workers returning home, they had all been packed on board like sardines and there hadn’t been a chance to jump. Now, on the return journey to Liverpool’s Pier Head, with only a few other passengers huddled in the cabins, she was building up the courage to jump. She could do this. Then the pain would all be gone.
A blur shimmered to her right and she realized someone had joined her at the low railings at the stern of the boat. Had they seen her? Surely they must have? Yet, they made no attempt to speak to her. Now what was she going to do? She couldn’t jump off in front of someone and risk them jumping in to save her.
‘Flipping rhubarb sticks,’ she hissed to herself.
‘Pardon?’
So, it was a man who had interrupted her dive to death.
‘Nothing.’ Her right foot tapped the wet wooden deck. Her low-heeled court shoe allowed salt-filled water to seep around her toes as each tap squelched water through the hole in the sole. Why didn’t he leave? It was freezing out here.
‘You must be cold. You’ve been out here since we left Liverpool Pier Head.’ His voice was deep and mellow and altogether pleasant, and definitely too posh to be a scouser. His continued presence however, was an irritation that began to fire her temper. The fact that he knew she had been on the ferry crossing and was now returning sent another kind of chill down her spine. Had he stayed on the ferry to spy on her? Was he a murderer? Did he have evil thoughts?
‘Listen ‘ere fella, if you’ve got any funny thoughts in that ‘ed of yours, I best tell ya, my brothers will flippin’ kill ya if ya come near me.’ Hope had thrown full-on scouser accent, complete with heavy ‘clucks’ to demonstrate her claim to being a Liverpudlian through and through. If the cold wasn’t going to send him back indoors, then perhaps her upbringing would offend his obviously well-educated sensitivities. She also thought saying she had more than one brother sounded safer.
‘You have nothing to fear, it has been a long time since I have had any funny thoughts. I would go even further and say it has been an unprecedented amount of time since I even smiled. So you see, you are quite safe on that score.’
Was he mocking her? She felt confused. His words might have been sarcastic, but his tone held a note of regret. Curiosity rose and nudged her on the shoulder; she tried flicking it away with her hand, but that old tabby was the bane of her life. Her ma always said curiosity killed the cat, but she’d kill Hope herself if Hope didn’t stop asking so many questions.
Not yet having ever mastered controlling her thoughts she succumbed to them with effortless ease. ‘What you doing out ‘ere then?’
‘I was waiting for you to jump.’
Hope spluttered and coughed. ‘’Ere what?’
‘In the end I figured you weren’t going to do it, so I came out to usher you away, so that I could have a go.’
‘What?’
‘If you’re not going to jump, then please yourself, but I intend to.’
