Women of Courage, page 40
She squeals, throwing her arms in the air, nearly exploding with joy.
‘Let me see,’ says Cookie, wiping her hands on the towel and coming over. ‘My, that’s a pretty book. I didn’t know you liked poems.’
Faith, however, is speechless. When Cookie finishes inspecting the book and hands it back, Faith takes it and runs to her room.
‘That’s strange indeed, that is,’ mutters Cookie as she goes back to labeling jars.
In her room Faith sits on the bed and looks at the book in shock. How can this be? Can God really have sent it to me to tell me I should be with Geoffrey?
As she opens the book a slip of paper and a pressed carnation fall out. She picks them up and even though she knows the dried flower will have no smell she sniffs it anyway. Geoffrey knows that carnations are her favorite flower. She reads the note.
Faith,
I know I must let you go, but before I do please accept this gift from me. It is a small thing that I give you in exchange of my heart, as my love you will not accept. I will stop now, and desist in my yearnings for your love. And so I say goodbye.
Geoffrey.
Oh no! How can this be? What cruel trick is this that she should receive the very thing she asked God for, only to learn that Geoffrey has finally given up on her? She can’t cry. She’s so confused. Then from the corner of her eye she notices that one of the pages has been bent. She opens the book at that page and reads the poem upon it.
Hope is the thing with feathers -
That perches in the soul -
And sings the tune without the words -
And never stops - at all -
And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -
And sore must be the storm -
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm -
I’ve heard it in the chilliest land -
And on the strangest Sea -
Yet - never - in Extremity,
It asked a crumb - of me.
What did it mean, and what was Geoffrey trying to tell her? Was God telling her something? Should hope remain in her soul? Was asking God for a sign like asking for a crumb? She didn’t understand. If God was playing a trick it was the worst thing in the world He could have done to her. And what of Geoffrey? Why send her such a beautiful gift and in it say goodbye?
She returns to the kitchen subdued and pale. Cookie takes one look at her and puts the kettle on the hook over the fire, to make some tea.
‘Make the pastry for the Beef Wellington, will you dear.’
Faith fetches flour, butter and lard and sets about making the covering for the beef.
‘Keep the touch light, or you’ll make the pastry tough.’
When the water is ready, Cookie pours it into a teapot. ‘Now, when that’s a brewing, why don’t you tell me what’s wrong?’
Faith tells her about how Miss Sarah Jones had suggested she lay a fleece before God. ‘Do you think it was wrong of me to ask God to help me with matters of the heart?’
‘No child, of course not. The Lord is concerned with everything about us and He loves to give us the delights of our hearts. That’s what the Bible says, so of course He is concerned when we are in love and yet sad.’
‘Still, Geoffrey has sent the book I asked only God for, no one else knew I liked the book so much, no one. Yet, here he tells me he has put his love for me out of his heart. I don’t understand.’
‘Tell me, child, do you love yourself?’
‘Heavens no, I am a terrible person.’
‘And therein, I believe, is the root of your conundrum, for if you do not love yourself you will never believe that anyone else could love you.’
‘My mam and Bertie love me.’
‘Do you really believe that?’
Right away, Faith’s mind recalls the thoughts which make her cry so hard at night. Her mother has happily moved in with Bernard, even when there isn’t space for Faith to live there. As for Bertie, he is certainly more taken with Eva at the moment and has settled into his new family with apparent ease. Her chin trembles and her throat constricts as a well of emotion begins to overtake her.
‘Tell me your thoughts.’
A barrage of built up emotions pour from Faith as Cookie sits quietly and listens. ‘They might have loved me once, but they soon moved on without me so their love couldn’t have been real.’
‘Now you listen to me.’ Cookie grabs both of Faith’s hands and squeezes them tightly. ‘I’ve only known you for the shortest of times, but I have come to love you. I can see that your mam did a wonderful thing raising you otherwise you wouldn’t be who you are today. No person could accomplish that unless love ran deep through their veins. These thoughts of rejection that bombard you and give you no peace, they are of darkness and you must let them go. Do you hear me?’
Sniffing, Faith nods.
‘You need to understand that God created you the way you, exactly the way you are, and He loves you unconditionally. For you to think you are unworthy of love is to make out that God doesn’t know what He’s doing. Don’t you think I questioned Him more than a little on why I was going blind? Oh, right distressed I were, when I realized it wasn’t a passing illness and that my semi-blindness was permanent and getting worse. I ranted and raved at Him good and proper, full blast from my lungs He did get.’
Faith looks at her with a light in her eyes, she can well imagine Cookie blasting her anger. ‘Did God answer you?’
‘He did indeed.’
‘You heard him?’ Faith is filled with awe.
‘Not His voice, but His spirit. Like a gentle whisper I felt I heard proverbs in my mind, so I went straight to the Bible and opened it to proverbs, and there before me was... trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your understandings. And whoosh, just like that all my distress was taken away from me and I was filled with peace.’
‘That is lovely.’
‘God loves you, Faith, I love you, and I am sure your mother loves you more than life. So if this Geoffrey of yours has declared his love to you and even asked you to marry him, how can you entertain for even a moment that he no longer loves you?’
‘But his letter...’
‘Was written because he’s hurting, and he’s trying to give you what you want.’
‘So you think he loves me still?’
‘I don’t know him, but if his love is true and from all you have told me I believe it must be so, then love does not die simply because we have put pen to paper. So what are you going to do?’
‘My holiday starts the day after Boxing day, so I will go and tell him I have changed my mind!’
‘Now there’s the spirit! Come on, let’s get this beef in the oven.’
The days leading up to Christmas Eve are a pure joy and the household is full of laughter and singing. Lord Carrington is an accomplished pianist and in good nature allowed his wife to bully him into playing whenever he isn’t working in his study. Adeline and her friends lift their voices singing carols, then sip hot mulled wine and exchange presents to put under the tree. The staff, if in earshot, join in the singing and even old Humphrey, not a supporter of Yule-tide celebrations (for reasons he refuses to disclose), found he could resist not and joins in when the staff sing around the kitchen as he warms his boots by the fire.
‘I can’t believe tomorrow is Christmas Eve,’ says Faith, popping yet another batch of pies into the oven.
‘Not long now and you’ll be able to set off for home and visit your family.’ Cookie is happy to see the sparkle in Faith’s eyes, not only because she can see it so clearly, but also because it shows the girl’s happiness brimming over.
‘You’ll be all right when I’ve gone?’
‘Eee lass, Cookie here was managing the kitchen well before you came, ‘tis sure to manage for seven days when you’re gone!’
Faith gives Humphrey a gentle nudge in the arm. ‘I hope she doesn’t manage too well without me or Lady Carrington might not want me back.’
‘Maybe... you might not want to come back.’ She gives Faith a knowing look which causes Faith to blush.
‘‘Ere what’s going on, you’re not leaving us already are you?’ asks Humphrey, leaning forward in his chair.
‘Now never you mind, old man. What will be, will be and you’ll just have to wait and see.’
‘Huh, you women are not straightforward, nope never a clear word so we poor men might understand. Air of mystery you like and ‘tis in riddles you do talk, huh! Think I’ll take myself off to the inn, in need of a drink I am now.’
‘Go on with you, you’re always in need of a drink, don’t have anything to do with our conversation,’ chuckles Cookie.
Just then the kitchen bell on the far left rings. ‘Too late, Humphrey, looks like Lady Carrington wants you.’
‘Won’t you go, Cookie? Tell her I had to go fetch something for you.’ Humphrey looks comical in his pleading stance, hands clasped and eyebrows raised in hopeful expectation.
‘I’ll go up for you,’ says Faith.
‘And what if the mistress wants coal shifting upstairs, you going to do that for the lazy so and so?’
‘I don’t mind.’
‘Bless you, lass.’ Before Cookie can argue, Humphrey shoots out of the back door, grabbing his coat as he goes.
Faith washes her hands and puts on a clean apron before rushing up the stairs to the parlor.
‘Ah, Faith. Is Humphrey not available? I thought he was back from the butchers?’
‘He just popped out for something for Cookie, milady, I’m sure he will return soon.’
‘Oh, that is bad timing, I need him to go to the post office for me. He could have done the two things at the same time. Will you take this for me? It is a congratulations message to be telegrammed to Lord Driscoll, it really needs to go today.’
‘Yes, of course, milady. I’ll go right away.’
‘Tell the postmaster to put it on my account, please,’ says Adeline handing over an envelope.
‘Yes, milady.’ Faith bobs a quick curtsy and turns to leave.
‘I have to go to the post office. I’ll be back as quick as I can.’ Faith takes her cape off the stand and swings it around her shoulders before lifting the hood over her head.
‘Here, lass, take my gloves because it’s mighty cold out there. That North wind has been blowing a while now, snow is on the way and that’s the truth.’
‘Thank you. Hopefully I won’t be in it long enough to get too cold.’ Faith slips her hands into the gloves that are too big for her, but will definitely keep her warm.
It isn’t until she is rushing up the high street, pushing against the biting wind that Adeline’s words sink in. Congratulations to Lord Driscoll, I wonder what has happened?
She’s grateful when she reaches the post office, although shutting the door behind her turns out to be a battle as the wind is blowing full pelt against it.
‘I have a telegram to be sent for Lady Carrington please, to be put on her account.’ Faith hands the small envelope over the counter to the postmaster.
‘No problem. I’ll do it now so wait, and when it’s gone you will be able to report back to Lady Carrington that it was well sent.’ The postmaster begins opening the letter and Faith finds her eyes glued on it, hoping to catch its contents. She needn’t have worried for as the postmaster taps away at his Morse code he reads the message aloud.
‘CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR PLANNED ENGAGEMENT GEOFFREY. DAPHNIA IS A LUCKY LADY. SEE YOU IN THE NEW YEAR. BEST WISHES RICHARD AND ADELINE.’
The postmaster puts the letter back in the envelope and passes it back to Faith. ‘You tell her ladyship that it went and has been received.’
Faith doesn’t move. She stares with unseeing eyes into the puzzled face of the postmaster. ‘Miss?’
She puts out her hand and takes the envelope. Without speaking, she turns around and walks out of the shop. She walks to the end of the road where she should turn left to go back to the Carrington’s. But her feet will take her in that direction no further. She stands as the wind whips her cape and makes it flutter in the air. Her mind is blank. In fact, very few thoughts can penetrate her state of shock. Her feet take over and she starts walking out of town.
Moving quickly, she soon finds herself out of Presteigne, and on the coach-road heading south. Almost an hour has passed before she hears something approaching behind her. In sudden hope of catching a lift, she stops and starts waving. The farmer pulls on his horse’s reins, drawing the cart to a stop beside her.
‘This isn’t the weather for a walk, Miss. What you doing out here?’
Faith looks at the letter briefly and then holds it up. ‘I have just received news from home. I must get back straight away. Will you take me a ways with you?’
‘Sorry to hear that, lass. Where you heading then?’
‘Abertillery.’ She looks at the burly farmer and her heartbeat quickens as she hopes he might be going all the way.
‘Ooo, that’s a fair grand way you have to go. I will be able to take you about half-way as I go down as far as Pengenffordd, but I won’t be able to take you any further. You’ll have to wait there for the Cardiff coach, but tell you the truth I do, I don’t even know if the coach is running today. Wouldn’t you be better to go back and wait until the Christmas season has passed when the coach will be definitely running again?’
‘I can’t wait. It’s an emergency. I must get home as soon as possible. I am very grateful for your offer to take me as far as Pengenffordd, thank you so much.’
‘Come on then, climb on up. Got to warn you though, it’s not warm up here.’
She steps up onto the wheel and uses it to climb up next to the farmer.
Luckily for Faith, who is still frozen in her shock, the farmer isn’t a talker. Besides, with the wind howling around them talking would have been difficult. From the small bit of conversation they do manage at the beginning he tells her his name is Henry, and that he has just delivered a pile of firewood to Presteigne. He is now returning home, and as the cart isn’t full they will make good time.
They have only been traveling for about two hours when it starts to snow. Henry reaches under the seat and pulls out a hessian sack, shoving it at her.
‘Wrap this round your shoulders. It will help keep you dry. Proper good stuff it is, go on now.’
Faith unfolds the large cloth and wraps it around her. ‘Thank you.’
‘Let’s get home to Pengenffordd before the clouds dump the lot on us.’
Faith holds the cloth tightly around her. With her hood covering her lush red hair, and the hessian pulled up to cover her frozen nose, only her deep brown eyes are visible.
‘You look like a gypsy you do.’
She almost smiles back at him but turns her attention back to the ever whitening scenery around them. Shock is wearing off now, and she is a mass of distressful thoughts. The thought which upsets her most is that Cookie and Lady Carrington will be worried when she doesn’t return and she has no means of telling them where she is. Shame stemming from her thoughtless actions is enough to heat her through the cold.
The other thought that makes her swoon with sickness is that Geoffrey is going to marry someone else. How can he, when he so recently declared his love for me? She has to get to him, she needs to tell him that she loves him, and more than a secret flame inside her it is the love that a woman gives to her husband. Freely, unconditionally and abundantly. No, she can’t let him propose to someone before he knows that she will marry him. If he still wants me?
The snowflakes are large and fluffy and it isn’t long before the dark browns of winter leave, masking the trees and fields in pure white. It’s so beautiful. Though the tree trunks and larger branches remain almost black, the smaller branches become white and carriers of wool-like clusters. She is glad Henry knows where he’s going because the track has become smaller as it merges with the fields.
She’s so frozen she can’t feel her toes or fingers when Henry finally pulls the cart to a stop in front of an Inn called the Dragon’s Back.
‘If the coach is coming today it will stop here briefly, but I’m afraid this is as far as I can take you. I have to get the sheep gathered up before the storm really breaks.’
‘You think it is going to snow even more than this?’
‘‘Tis a North wind see, and I can feel it in my bones that it’s bringing a right storm with it. It has been building in power all day and before night fall it will release the tide of it, and that’s the truth.’
Climbing down is slow work, as her limbs are too stiff to move with ease. ‘Thank you, you have been very kind to bring me this far.’
‘Listen here, and mark me well, girl. If the coach doesn’t come this afternoon, you kip down with Sally. She’s a good ‘un and she’ll only charge you a bob or two.’
Faith’s face must have revealed her sudden thought of horror as to the fact she doesn’t have any money on her.
‘Don’t tell me you left without your purse!’
‘I wasn’t thinking anything except for the need to get home. I will be all right, don’t worry about me. I am sure I can get another lift a bit further down the road.’
Henry jumps down and grabs her by the arm, then marches her into the Inn. ‘Sally?’
‘Hello, lovie, who you got there?’ A fat woman wobbles out from behind the bar.
‘Here’s thruppence, give her a bowl of soup, will you?’
‘Sure thing,’ says Sally pocketing the money.
‘And this,’ he takes hold of her hand and places some copper in it, ‘this is to pay for the coach.’
‘I, I, I don’t know what to say.’
‘Listen, lass, my daughter’s about your age and I’d like to think someone would look after her if she were in need. So you just take it, and whenever you get a chance then pass the blessing on to someone else.’
