Women of Courage, page 48
I think he’s taking the mickey out of me, but I can’t help my insecurity from responding before I have time to stop it. ‘Are you saying I’m hard work?’
His laughing stops instantly. ‘No Charity, I’m not saying that at all.’
Someone in the background calls, ‘dinner’s ready Luke.’
‘Sounds like your roast is being served, I’ll leave you to it.’
‘I’ll pick you up on Wednesday. Where do they live?’
‘Blackshaw Moor, do you know it?’
‘Yes. It borders the Peak District. It’s not too far away from Buxton. I’ll pick you up at 6.15 pm if that’s OK?’
‘Perfect, see you then.’
I go into the kitchen to check on the pot-roast we put in the oven before going to church. The smell in the kitchen is wonderful. I hadn’t realized that I missed cooking so much until coming back to Dotty’s. The time spent with her preparing and cooking food is special. We talk about everything and nothing and put the world to rights. Surely life is made for living in kitchens? Food isn’t just a necessity for existing, but an opportunity for sharing our time with loved ones. When there had been three of us in the kitchen, laughter had filled the house. A memory of mum, Nana and me dancing in the kitchen while cooking the roast, floods through me. From out of nowhere I’m crying for lost time. For days snatched, which I should have had with my mum with me. It wasn’t fair. Life isn’t fair. Is everyone going to die on me?
Unexpectedly, with no warning, the blackness that is depression jumps upon me. With the tick of a single second I’m defeated. I fall to the floor. No thoughts. Just pain. Blackness. A wish to end it all.
My guardian angel swoops in at just that moment. As it’s hard for her to reach for the floor she calls and calls until I respond and get to my feet, where Nana is able to wrap her arms around me and hold me tight. There is no need for words. We have been here many times before. Hush-hushing gently in my ear, she rocks me slowly until the anguish of loss and despair begins to fade. Dotty manages to usher me into the front room and onto the sofa. She wraps a throw around my shoulders and puts on the film Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. It’s not to watch. It’s just to have cheery background music as she helps to lift me back out of the mire.
I don’t know what I would do without my Nana.
Chapter 8
By Wednesday, thankfully, the upped dosage of anti-depressants has kicked in and I’m feeling calm and more myself. One day, I’m determined to be free of medication, but in the meantime I thank God for them. On the way to the meeting, Luke and I fall into easy conversation.
Luke patiently listens as I repeat everything I’ve already told him on the phone. I catch him turning his head ever so slightly to glance at me. His dark eyes are bouncing with life, his full lips curved in a half-smile. An urge to reach up and run my fingers through his short, dark hair rises up in me. I catch my breath; the strength of longing to touch his face is filling me, spreading within me like the opening of flower petals. I don’t ever remember being this attracted to Roland. The thought of my deceased husband sobers me. I turn to look out the window and away from this person I fear is beginning to mean rather a lot.
‘I hope this project will become everything you want it to be.’ His words ring with sincerity.
I turn back to look at him. ‘Thank you.’
‘I only have one reservation.’
‘What’s that?’
‘That you will move to Wales permanently, and we will be finished before we’ve started.’
‘I’m not planning on moving to Wales.’ Even though I respond immediately, something inside me is out of kilter, like maybe I do realize already that I’m be prepared to move if it means success for the project and therefore the children. As if to reassure myself that I don’t plan on moving, I add. ‘My home will always have to be close to Dotty. I couldn’t live far away in case she ever needs me.’
‘I almost believe you.’
Luke’s words upset me, although I’m not a hundred per cent sure why. Before I can question him about it, the car slows down.
‘I think this is it,’ he says nodding to a drive on the left before pulling into it.
‘Yes, there’s the sign,’ I say, pointing to a charming white painted board with flowers carved around the wooden edge.
Welcome to Munroe Farm
We pull into a graveled car park and look around at all the other cars.
‘Looks like a well-attended meeting,’ says Luke.
I glance at my watch, it’s 6.45 pm. ‘Everyone’s early.’
‘Including us. Come on, let’s go.’ Luke gets out of the car and starts walking around to my side. Déjà vu’s ghost-like touch sends a shiver down my back making me jump out of the car before Luke can open the door. He’s not my chauffeur anymore, he’s my... my what? Friend? More than that, I’d be lying to myself if I said he was only a friend. I know I have to wait, let some water flow under that old bridge of life, but I also know, without doubt, that I want to be with him. That knowledge doesn’t dispel any of the fear I have. To love someone is to lose them, right?
‘You OK?’
Lord, but he’s so keyed into my emotions it’s scary. I ‘umm’ and nod.
‘Welcome! So glad you could make it. I’m Jack.’ Jack steps back to allow us to enter into the huge barn-conversion, before offering Luke his hand.
I introduce them. ‘Jack, this is Luke. Luke, this is Jack.’
Luke shakes his hand. Jack is a couple of inches taller, but Luke has a body-builder’s physique. Out of the two I know whose arms I’d like to be in. The sudden thought makes me smile. Yes, I’d really like to have those muscly biceps wrapped around me. A warm glow creeps up my neck. Jack might be more traditionally handsome, but Luke is all man. I suddenly wish he was all my man. I slip my hand into his. He looks down at me in surprise and after the briefest moment firmly grips my hand as if he has no intention of ever letting it go.
‘Come on through,’ says Jack. ‘I think nearly everyone is here. We’re just having something to eat before we start, so please help yourself whenever you’re ready. In the meantime, let me introduce you to Danielle who found us the perfect spot for our project.’
We walk through into an airy crowded room with a high ceiling. Many people stop their talking and eating to smile and say hello as we pass through. We come to a halt by the side of a small group, who all turn to smile upon our arrival. ‘Danielle, this is the lady I told you about who is thinking of volunteering. Charity and Luke, this is Danielle our neighbor.’
‘Nice to meet you,’ I say holding out my hand to shake Danielle’s. Instead of taking my hand she surprises me by throwing the largest smile and then leaning in to give me a firm, albeit brief, hug. Danielle is absolutely stunning with deep brown eyes, and long, straight brown hair. With perfect creamy skin and full lips she could easily have just walked off the front cover of Vogue magazine. To top it off she’s slim, but somehow firmly built like she works out, strength both physical and mental oozes from her. I want to look at Luke to see if he is drowning in her gorgeous eyes but I daren’t do it, in case he is.
‘Pleased to meet you Luke,’ she says, offering him her hand. They shake and I’m unbelievably relieved she doesn’t hug him. ‘This is my brother Aymon,’ she nods towards someone who is best described as a Jesus look-alike. Piercing light blue eyes, salt and pepper hair falling around his shoulders and moustache and beard to finish it off. It doesn’t help my vision of him as a biblical character that he’s wearing a hippy style, collarless multi-colored shirt that hangs loosely. He nods towards us and we nod back.
‘This is another one of my brothers, Tristan.’ She nods towards a most handsome man standing next to Aymon. I can’t help my right eyebrow lifting ever so slightly; it is obvious they must be adopted siblings. He exudes confidence and power. He’s wearing suit trousers with a matching waist coat, under which lies the softest looking white shirt with emphasizes his dark skin to perfection. I’m literally blown away by how striking he is, and then I’m brought back to earth by a gentle squeeze of my hand from Luke!
‘Nice to meet you all,’ I say trying to cover up the fact that I’d been gaping. ‘Are you all planning on helping out with this vision of Megan’s and Jack’s?’
‘We are indeed, we plan to follow the pair of them around and be there for whatever is needed,’ answers Aymon.
‘So, will you take a year off work or something?’ Luke asks.
‘As it happens we are all in-between jobs at the moment,’ replies Danielle. ‘Luckily, we are all financially secure, so if we take one or two years off, it will be fine.’
‘Lucky you,’ says Luke. I pick up a slight tinge of jealousy. It’s my turn to squeeze his hand in reassurance.
‘You really should help yourself to a drink and something to eat before we start,’ says Tristan. ‘Trust me, we never know how long these meetings will last.’
We take his advice and head to the corner of the room where the buffet has been set up. After heartily enjoying some food, we have each just grabbed a drink of lemonade when Jack calls out for everyone to find a seat. We are in a large reception room, which I overheard someone mention was the venue for the marriage ceremonies for the wedding events the Munroes run. Chairs have been put out in rows, much like a church setting. We take seats about half-way back from the stage and get comfortable. I place my handbag under the seat. Inside my check book waits.
Megan takes the microphone from Jack and thanks everyone for coming. Then with the aid of a slide show, she begins to tell us all about their vision. By the time she’s finished, I’m hooked. Without a shadow of a doubt, this is the project for Roland’s money. Megan and Jack have a vision to take children and teenagers on holiday, to build their confidence and offer them a piece of joy where possible. To offer them two weeks holiday, free from worry and hunger as well as cost. The only thing required of the young people is to attend a service on Sunday morning. Everything else will be up to them. The charity board wants to hire sports coaches and event organizers to make sure the holidays are packed with as much outdoor action as possible. What they don’t know is how best to convert the cottages, and how to fund the purchase and maintenance, along with the all year round salaries.
When she finishes the slide show and talk, Megan asks if anyone has any questions. Different people ask about different things. I wait until there is a lull, and then raise my hand.
‘Yes, Charity?’ I’m touched she knows my name, It fills me with confidence. Normally hating the limelight there would be no way I would get up and speak in front of people, but this project has emboldened me.
‘If I was to donate a substantial amount of money that would ensure this project was able to take off, could we give the place a new name?’
Megan doesn’t ask how much money. ‘What name did you have in mind?’
‘My husband died last year. I would be using his inheritance to fund this, so if we could swap the name of the cottage setting to Byron’s Haven I would be delighted to donate not only two million pounds, but also my services as an architect and all round dogs-body.’ There is a sharp intake of breath around the room at the mention of the amount of money.
Jack steps up to Megan and whispers in her ear. She nods then looks at the crowd. ‘We have all our charity board members present. Can we please have a vote for a venue name change?’ There’s a murmur of approval around the room.
‘All in favor?’ Jack asks.
I glance around the room and do a quick count; eight people have raised their hands, including Danielle and her two brothers and a vicar.
‘No need to ask if anyone is against then,’ declares Jack, ‘we are all in favor.’
An explosion of joy erupts in my chest. There is no other way to describe it. I feel high as a kite, to the extent I almost believe I can fly! I drop back into my seat and look at Luke. Aware of my gaze he turns his head slowly and looks at me. He’s sad. I’m about to ask what’s up when Megan announces the end of formalities, and that now is a time to get to know everyone and to talk about how they see it all coming together. We are instantly surrounded by people wanting to ask if I have a vision on how to convert the cottages.
Snowed under by questions, I would normally collapse under pressure, but sheer joy urges me back to my feet to discuss ideas and plans with complete strangers.
I’m not sure how long I’ve been talking, but I suddenly realize I’m shattered. My throat is really dry from at least an hour’s conversation. I notice a lot of people have already gone. I glance around the room looking for Luke. Unrealistic panic that he might have got bored and left rises up in me. As if sensing my distress, he is suddenly by my elbow.
‘Here,’ he says handing me a drink of water.
‘Thanks, you’re a life saver.’
He stays beside me as we talk to the last few people still here. Eventually it is just us and the Munroes. I take my check book out of my bag.
‘I’d like to give you the money now, so you can buy the property before someone else snaps it up. I’ve been to Beddgelert for the day a few years ago. We went for a six-hour walk along the river and then up in the hills, finishing the day with fish and chips in the loveliest of restaurants in the village. It is one of the most beautiful spots I have ever seen. I can hardly believe a part of it is up for sale.’
‘Thank you,’ says Jack. ‘However, it would be best if you did a bank transfer, and only do that after you have spoken to a lawyer. You are about to hand over a very large sum of money.’
I look up at Luke. He nods in agreement. I put the check book away.
‘You should get your lawyer to check out our charity and to clarify with you that we are above board. Also, Danielle and her brothers donated half a million last week, and the owners of the property have accepted that as a deposit until we can raise the rest. We had no idea the rest would come so quickly, praise God!’
‘Will it be alright if I go and visit the property?’
‘Yes of course, we’ll give you the caretaker’s number and you can let her know you’re coming.’
‘I just need to be there to take measurements and get a feel of everything before I start on my draft drawings.’
‘Maybe we could say a quick prayer together before we go home?’ I look at Luke in surprise. I really wish he hadn’t said that.
‘That would be wonderful,’ replies Megan.
I suddenly feel like an ice maiden, totally frozen and cold. I don’t pray, and if I did I certainly wouldn’t do it out loud in front of people. The four of us hold hands and close our eyes. Jack opens with a prayer of thanks. When he has finished Luke prays for the Lord’s blessing on the project and vision. As if aware that I wouldn’t be praying, Megan refrains from joining in. I’m grateful to not be made to feel like the odd one out. I wish I could believe as much as these people did, but I just can’t. Life is too full of pain to have been created by a God that is supposed to be loving and compassionate. I know I often raise my eyes to the sky and whisper thank you, but I’m sure it is a more childlike habit than a belief.
Chapter 9
Over the last few weeks I have put a few pounds on. I look better. My face isn’t so gaunt, and I have to admit the fat has puffed out the skin taking away the tiny wrinkles that have crept around my eyes and lips. Cosmetics used to do a marvelous job of making me look like a beauty queen, but now I feel like I can be me without makeup, fresh and natural looking.
Looking in the mirror I’m pensive, unaware I’m chewing my lower lip. There’s no avoiding it, going out for a meal with Luke tonight is officially a date. I feel so nervous. I have no idea where he is taking me and I don’t know what to wear. Nearly all of my clothes have been donated to charity shops. I’ve kept a lot of my every day wear, jeans, tops etc., but nearly all my evening clothes have gone.
Although, this morning started off cold and frosty, the temperatures had slowly risen with the sun and clouds playing tic-tac-toe. Too cold for a nice dress, I opt for smart pants and a soft blouse. After applying a small amount of eye-shadow, mascara and a touch of lipstick I sit back and inspect myself once more. Luke has seen me dressed to kill. Done up to-the-nines and comfortable enough in my looks to mix with the rich and famous. What will he think when he sees me like this? Will he think I’ve not made an effort for him? For a moment I’m nearly tempted to start over again, changing both my clothes and putting on a full set of makeup. However, a quick glance at my watch shows me I don’t have enough time. Great! Just as I am then.
Prompt as usual, Luke rings the bell at 8 pm.
‘Have a good time, dear,’ says Nana giving me a kiss before I leave. I have a warm coat on, which hides my outfit. I wish, I wish, I wish I had put something prettier on. Luke is in a suit and looks drop-dead-gorgeous.
Luke’s gaze lingers on my eyes for a long time. ‘You look beautiful,’ he whispers before taking my arm and leading me to the car. I can’t help a sigh of relief as I get in.
There is comfortableness between us now, and we instantly fall into chatter. ‘So how are things progressing? Where you up to?’
I can’t help sighing at his question. Things since Roland’s death seem to have been non-stop. I’ve forgotten how many meetings with the lawyers I’ve had it’s that many. The money from the sale of the house and all the antiques, plus some of my larger pieces of jewelry has all gone through. I’ve now got, after paying a jaw-dropping amount to the lawyers, two million and twenty thousand pounds in the bank. The transfer to the trust goes through tomorrow which will leave me the smallest amount I’ve had in my personal bank account since marrying. I really hope the hotels sell soon. For the first time since offering the money to the project, vulnerability has become my second skin. I’ve put aside buying a house until the hotels sell. I’ve also had to release Judith. It really upset me, but she was so understanding, and after staying at her house for about three hours we had hugged tightly before I left.
