Behold: Humanity!: Total War, page 1
TOTAL WAR
Behold: Humanity! Book VI
Ralts Bloodthorne
Peeper Corner Publishing
Copyright © 2021 Ralts Bloodthorne
All rights reserved
The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher.
ISBN-13: 9781234567890
ISBN-10: 1477123456
Cover design by: Rick Ronor
Editing: David DeLaney
Library of Congress Control Number: 2018675309
Printed in the United States of America
Dedicated to: Of course my family. That's the standard. Of course, I gotta remind my older brother: I'll always be younger than you! HAHA!
Special thanks to: Everyone on reddit/HFY, the members of my Patreon, those of you who bought these, and the people who have been supporting me through this.
Another thanks to: My VA Mental Health Tech (Name Withheld For Privacy At Request). I appreciate all the hard work you do and for being there when I started losing it.
Finally: Thanks to certain musicians whose work inspired me and kept me company while I'm writing. Iron Maiden, Quiet Riot, KISS, Tom MacDonald, Dolly Parton, Johnny Cash, Sabaton, and all the others. Your creativity helped inspire mine.
YA'AHD, BA'AHN YA'AHD
Smiling to himself Super-Secret Agent Secret Most High Ba'ahn Ya'ahd trotted out to his vehicle. He had spent two days immersing himself in documentaries about Terran espionage, taking close notes. He had discovered there were four types of agents, but it was easy to decide which kind he was.
Saboteur, which looked like a lot of work and seemed to damage a lot. While the escapes were amazing, and seemed to be the focus of the documentary, he knew there was only one of him and when he'd checked the Underground Railroad it had been converted to mass transit. While he was capable of using explosives, nerve gas, and other methods, he decided that was too risky.
Kinetic, which involved seeking out enemy spies and killing them with hand to hand and knife techniques. That only took two documentaries about a secret agent named Born for him to decide that he wasn't cut out for kinetic spying. Plus, those documentaries mainly focused around a spy who was slated for termination by his own agency then attacking the agency until it left him alone.
Terran spycraft seemed really risky to Ba'ahn Ya'ahd.
Theft or discovery of information was the third. That was more Ba'ahn Ya'ahd's speed. Just go in, look around, maybe copy some stuff off of a computer, and then walk away and blend into the crowd. That last part would be difficult, but Ba'ahn Ya'ahd knew if he made it out of sight he'd just change his pelt color and pattern and be home free.
Then there was the hybrid.
Ba'ahn Ya'ahd knew he was a sneaky spy. Which meant, from everything he had seen on the documentaries, he'd need gadgets.
First of all, he needed to make sure he had a proper vehicle. All spies that were involved with Terrans had to have certain things with their vehicles.
Ba'ahn Ya'ahd had looked up the nearest vehicle customization service with the highest customer rating and decided that was who he wanted to make his vehicle more spy-ee.
He got in, settled down on the white leather couch, and brought up the car's VI.
"Where are we going today, boss?" it asked.
"Dale's Totally Legit Chop Shop," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd said.
"Uh, boss, are you sure?" the VI asked.
"Of course. They seem as if they can perform the vehicle modifications I want," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd said.
"You know, you're just renting this car. You can't get mods done to a car you rent," the VI said. "Oh, they also sell cars. Make sure they transfer me."
"Of course," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd answered. "I am ready to depart."
"Uh you have your guns, right?" the VI asked.
"Yes," he told the VI.
"You might wanna have them in your hands. This is a rough part of town," the VI answered. "It's an Urban Wars Simulation Zone," the VI paused. "Uh, boss, you're not SUDS'd."
"What's that mean?" Ba'ahn Ya'ahd said, frowning.
"You don't have a neural imprint copying system. If you get shot in the face you're gone, you don't get reprinted at the nearest facility," the VI said. "Once you're dead, boss, you're dead."
Ba'ahn Ya'ahd frowned. "Wait. If a Terran is killed they just come right back?"
"Yeah, boss, some places guarantee an hour or less," the VI said.
"And it's that dangerous?" Ba'ahn Ya'ahd asked.
"It's an Urban Combat Zone Simulation, from the old Urban Wars just prior to the Glassing. There's bushes there that will eat you if the cybergangs don't get you," the VI answered.
"Hmmm, perhaps I should call them?" he said.
"Naw, let's get you an escort. Hang on, you'll have a call coming in," the VI said, pulling out. "I'll drive around while you talk."
Ba'ahn Ya'ahd's datalink pinged and the words "INCOMING CALL - LONESTAR SECURITY" popped up in his vision. He answered the car.
"Ya'ahd, Ba'ahn Ya'ahd, Lanaktallan Spy speaking," he said, proud of the way he was able to emulate the Bongistan accent.
There was a 'snerk' noise. "Um, it's Captain Half-Feather, with Lonestar Security. You were interested in a protection plan?" the voice asked. It was an odd voice, deep and resonant with an odd timbre in it that demanded almost immediate respect.
"Yes, personal and property," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd said. "I think I'd like some armed guards. Do you have a 'secret agent from an enemy nation during a time of war' package?"
"Well, Mister Ya'ahd, let me check," the voice said. "Hmmm, mmhmm, ah, yes, we do. And, running your credit, it appears you also qualify for our Foreign National Supervillain plan with optional volcano lair."
Ba'ahn Ya'ahd trembled with excitement. A volcano lair? He'd be the envy of all the other Secret Level Spies.
"Yes, that will do nicely," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd said.
"Now, do you want the scantily dressed female Terran bodyguards or the giant cyborg bodyguards?" the Terran asked.
"Yes," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd blurted out excitedly. "Oh, do you have ones that half their faces are menacing cybernetics and the other half has visually appealing villainous scarring?"
There was silence for a moment. "Yes. Yes we do," Captain Half-Feather answered. "Well, it looks like we have a special on Cyber-Ninjas too. Would you like to sign up for that package?"
"Oh, that sounds exciting. How will I tell they're working?" Ba'ahn Ya'ahd asked. "I saw on the documentaries that they're invisible."
"That's the best part, you can't! You know, Ninja invisibility," Captain Half-Feather answered. "Now, we're having another special on former Special Forces from collapsed nations, meaning their loyalty would be to your bank account rather than an active nation’s. They would have crude looking cybernetics that are actually quite effective."
"Can the leader have what looks like an animal claw injury on his face and like to drive giant combat robots and fight with knives? I am not a good knife fighter and it seems as if knives are the leading causing of death of spies right behind explosions," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd said.
There was the 'snerk' sound again. "Absolutely, sir. I know just the man. Now, have you discussed vehicle options?"
"I would like a jet pack."
Another 'snerk' noise, and Ba'ahn Ya'ahd just chalked it up to a verbal tic. "Very well, sir. Anything else?"
"A car with hidden hover capability, an ejection seat, machineguns, a rocket launcher, and armored," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd stated.
"Ah, you want a Burgerland Interstate rated vehicle with an ejection seat? Excellent choice, sir. Would you like to use your dataslate to select colors and vehicle type as well as uniforms?" Captain Half-Feather said. "I'll put you on hold while I see what other things we can offer you."
"I'll bring up the dataslate, boss," the VI said. The dataslate slid out of the dash and lifted up in front of him.
Ba'ahn Ya'ahd was amazed by the different vehicles. Hover vehicles, some looking quite militaristic and deadly, ground vehicle, even tanks! There were two different jet-packs to choose from and Ba'ahn Ya'ahd chose the one that had the simulated exhaust and made a loud roaring noise.
For colors he picked red and white, appropriate to the colors on his credit card. White armor with red highlights and a hoofprint on the shoulders. It looked quite snazzy with opaque face-shields.
Going through the options he discovered there were actually nearly a dozen islands just off the coast of the Hamburger Kingdom. He carefully mused over them and chose one. It told him that a representative would meet with him to create the floorplan.
His credit line, of course, was approved.
A package delivery drone dropped off the jetpack while he was picking all the options for his vehicle. An OCP SUX 9000, which got 1.5 miles to the gallon and had nearly 8,000 horse power. Ba'ahn Ya'ahd wasn't quite sure what a horse was, but that was definitely a lot of them.
The vehicle would be delivered to the hotel he was at.
"OK, boss, have you ever used a jet-pack?" the VI asked.
"No, but many spies seem to use it, so I figured it was best I get one," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd said.
"Of course," the VI said.
B
"Of course, sir, we at Lonestar Security are here to meet your every need," the Terran answered.
"I, of course, will need minions. I will need one to help me determine which Terran historical and cultural landmarks I should examine in order to be able to properly determine how to defeat your star nation and species," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd said.
"Of course, sir. I'll make sure you get a full complement of highly trained minions. Do you have any species preferences?" the agent asked.
"Oh, I would like a Digital Sentience computer hacker. Are any available for hire?" Ba'ahn Ya'ahd asked, rubbing his hands together.
"Of course, sir. We'll have someone come by and finalize everyone," the agent said. "Thank you for choosing Lonestar Security LLC for your personal and property security needs."
"No, thank you, Terran," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd said, and cut the link.
He rubbed his hands together again. It was all coming together. A secret base to perform his espionage from. He'd have personal security, and a really big exciting looking wasteful personal vehicle covered in weaponry. He was so excited he drew one of his pistols, gave the traditional Terran warning that he was going to fire it by yelling "YEE-HAW!" as loud as he could, then firing the pistol three times into the air.
A few other Terrans joined him, giving out the same yell and firing their slug-throwers into the air.
Ba'ahn Ya'ahd felt proud of himself for how well he was fitting in.
"Back to the Penthouse Lair, VI," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd said. He paused. "Oh, I should name you. How about... um... Heinrich! That sounds properly espionage-like."
The VI made an odd noise. "Sure, boss. Heinrich it is. Is this acceptable?" the VI began using a thick accent that Ba'ahn Ya'ahd found particularly pleasing.
"Yes, Heinrich, perfect," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd said and rubbed his hands together again.
Terran space was so exciting!
The Terran at the desk let Ba'ahn Ya'ahd know that the jewelry vendor was waiting for him. That made Ba'ahn Ya'ahd tremble with glee. He couldn't wait to order his secret agent watches, cufflinks, lapel pin, and of course, shoes.
He was so excited he kept shuffling around in the elevator as he rode up to the Penthouse. An actual volcano lair! The other spies were going to be so jealous. He'd make sure to take image-shots of himself standing in front of the lava.
Oh, he'd need to capture someone so he could menace them and put them in a death-trap that they could then escape during an exciting battle with Ba'ahn Ya'ahd's minions.
Ba'ahn Ya'ahd couldn't wait to stand on his balcony, shake his fist, and yell out "NEXT TIME, GADGET!"
The Terran jewelry vendor was a short Terran with black hair and strange eyes. Ba'ahn Ya'ahd greeted him and escorted him inside.
"We have a wide variety of expensive and luxurious men's jewelry, gentlebeing," the vendor, a Mr. Lee, said, setting down a datacube.
"I have a few requirements up front," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd said.
"Oh? Please, explain," Mr. Lee said.
"I will need a pair of cufflinks that explode when put together and put at the corner of a door. A watch with a laser capable of cutting durasteel cuffs. Another watch with a sonic device that repels giant carnivorous fish, since apparently they are a danger to beings in my line of work," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd said.
Mr. Lee raised an eyebrow. "Might I inquire what line of work you are engaged in?"
"Import and exports and antiquities," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd said. He then leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially. "I am also a spy."
Mr. Lee displayed no surprise, nor any other real emotion, just nodded slowly. "Of course you are, sir."
Ba'ahn Ya'ahd rubbed all four hands together. "I will also need a watch that delivers an EMP burst, another watch that will hack computers, and a lapel pin with a high definition X-ray camera to read the other side of playing cards, a belt buckle that shoots lasers, and shoes with hidden knives in them."
Mr. Lee looked down. "Um. That's going to be difficult." He thought for a second. "How about shoes with graviton assist that let you climb up walls, run across water, and leave behind different kinds of footprints?"
Ba'ahn Ya'ahd thought for a moment. Yes, those could be useful. He imagined himself dressed in all black with a cape and a hood with pointed ears, climbing up the outside of a building with a rope.
"I will also need a grappling hook gun. Perhaps hidden somehow?" he said. "Oh, and one of the hoof shoes should have a hidden comlink inside."
Mr. Lee nodded. "Of course, sir. Now, if you press your hand here, I can run a credit check."
Ba'ahn Ya'ahd did so, trembling with excitement as he signaled the bartender VI to bring Mr. Lee and himself a drink.
Mr. Lee looked down at the dataslate.
CONFEDINTEL - VERIFIED UNLIMITED SECURED CREDIT LINE (FOREIGN)
Mr. Lee looked back up. "Well, you'll of course want to open a line of store credit. We're currently offering a special with only 45% APR."
Ba'ahn Ya'ahd bobbed up and down slightly. That was far less interest than on his credit line back home. "Why, that is most generous, Mr. Lee."
"My cousin produces fine quality hand tailored suits, Mr..."
"Ya'ahd, Ba'ahn Ya'ahd," the Lanaktallan said, feeling pleasure at being able to use that line as he sipped his shaken not stirred martini.
"Of course it is, sir," Mr. Lee said, his face expressionless. Ba'ahn Ya'ahd marvelled at the way the Terran was able to avoid showing any emotion on his face. He put a note in his datalink to practice such an amazing ability.
"If you would like, I can have my cousin come by this evening, make sure your clothing showcases your proper employment?" Mr. Lee suggested.
"Excellent. Thank you, Mr. Lee," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd said. "How long till my jewelry is ready?"
"Oh, how does tomorrow sound," Mr. Lee said.
"Wonderful." Ba'ahn Ya'ahd imagined himself cutting open a bank vault door and galloping away with the secrets to the Confederacy before activating his jetpack and swooping off in the sky with a big bag of money over his shoulder.
Mr. Lee left while his customer was obviously daydreaming. The strange looking creature was rich enough that he wasn't crazy, just merely eccentric.
But his money spent.
-----
CONFEDINTEL
BWAH AHA AHAHAHAHAHHA!
/////////
TREANA’AD HIVE WORLDS
What?
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
CONFEDINTEL
This has got to be the funniest thing ever. I'll show you guys later.
/////////
ROAD TRIP
The vehicle was amazing. Massive fossil fuel engine in the front, mounted guns, heavily armored, painted bright red with white highlights, white leather interior, armored windows with a wire mesh inside the armaglass, and hidden pop-up guns. Ba'ahn Ya'ahd trotted around looking at it. He was wearing a bracelet that let his VI assistant Heinrich be projected near him. Heinrich was 'dressed' in intimidating armor, all crimson with white/silver highlights.
"Yes, yes, this is a perfect spy vehicle," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd said, trotting around the front.
Captain Half-Feather, a large burly human with reddish-tan leathery skin, dark eyes, close cut dark hair, and rugged features, dressed in Terran combat armor, stood just off to the side, holding an intimidating looking rifle. He had "LONESTAR SECURITY SERVICES LLC" on his chest. He watched the Lanaktallan trot around the vehicle and managed to keep a straight face. It was a cow-headed centaur wearing a tuxedo and an "I <3 Terra" hat, with crossed pistol belts at its waist and back carriers for a rifle and a shotgun as well as a bandolier of rifle grenades.
Still, it wasn't Half-Feather's place to tell an employer that he looked like a fool.
Especially not an employer with pockets as deep and full as this one.
"So, we can't take a hover or air or suborbital vehicle to the volcano base?" Ba'ahn Ya'ahd asked.
Captain Half-Feather shook his head. "No, it appears the Terran Intelligence Agency may be looking for you to move that way. The safest and most secure way for you to move is overland. From here to Route 666 and then use that to get to the San Francisco Free State. You can then take a hydrofoil to your volcano base about two hundred miles off the coast."
