Behold: Humanity!: Total War, page 4
Outside Cortez sighed. It had been nearly a half hour but the client wanted to be sneaky and quiet instead of running in shooting. A whole bunch of security officers had still collected the day's pay but were no longer on standby to go along with a tense hostage situation.
At least 'Bloodfist' got to go get the car, he thought as he turned the page of the 'newspaper' and read the "Lanaktallan Spy Raids Area-51!" article.
Inside Ba'ahn Ya'ahd ran up and pointed his shotgun at the bank customers and the loan officers.
"Get on the ground, in the name of the Lanaktallan Unified Espionage Council," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd ordered.
The Terrans raised their hands and slowly got on the floor. Ba'ahn Ya'ahd put their hands behind their back and ziptied them, chuckling to himself at how simple this was.
"OK, flashbang the crowd, run behind the teller counter, knock out the two tellers, then threaten everyone with your shotgun," Otto said.
Ba'ahn Ya'ahd trembled with excitement, pulling out a flashbang. He snuck into the copy room and peeked out the door. There were a dozen Terrans waiting to see the tellers, two tellers, and he could see two of his Ninjas in the alleyway playing dice.
Perfect.
Ba'ahn Ya'ahd threw the flashbang, rushed in and tasered both tellers, ziptied them, then galloped out into the main area. He knew Otto and Heinrich were jamming their com-links so they couldn't call out for help as he galloped twice around the teller area, waving his shotgun around.
"Everyone get on the ground! Now! No heroics!" he ordered.
The Terrans obediently got on the ground, some of them making crying noises. "Don't try anything and everyone goes home safe," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd assured them as he ziptied them.
Then, following Otto's advice, he moved them all into the copy room, went in and picked up the thermal drill before staggering over to the vault. It was really heavy. When he unzipped the bag, he just stared.
It had a tubular metal frame and seemed pretty complex. Luckily Heinrich advised him how to set it up. Then he had nearly ten minutes to wait for the drill to get into the door.
That's OK, it gives me time to loot the offices, he thought to himself. He went around and picked up the bundles of 'cash', which was Terran criminal slang for non-electronic paper money notes. He flipped the end of one bundle and sniffed it, finding the smell of fresh paper and ink satisfying.
The drill started making jangling noises and Ba’ahn Ya’ahd had to go over and repair it. Even though it only took five minutes to drill open the door, Ba’ahn Ya’ahd had to repair the drill four times, which Ba’ahn Ya’ahd considered pretty good for spy equipment. After all, the last time he had to drill a door he’d had to fix the drill nearly twenty times and replace it twice.
Terran espionage stuff is so efficient! He thought to himself.
Finally the vault creaked open and Ba'ahn Ya'ahd galloped inside. Outside Major Bloodfist pulled up in the car, got out, and opened the spacious trunk before leaning against the car and sighing.
Ba'ahn Ya'ahd stared around him with wide eyes. Stacks of gold bricks, cubed stacks of cash, all waiting for him to steal to fund his espionage. He began bagging it all up and carrying it out the car, stopping several times each trip to catch his breath.
The bags were heavy.
At least while he was getting the bags Chrome Cortez went in and used a saw to open the ATMs and the safe deposit boxes, letting him loot those too. He found all kinds of interesting things. Gold bars, jewelry, rolls of money.
Finally, it was all cleared out and he galloped out to the car, climbing carefully in and driving away, slamming down the gas pedal so he left behind a cloud of smoke as he roared out town and onto the highway.
"HAHAHAHAH! Another masterful job by I, Ya'ahd, Ba'ahn Ya'ahd, Secret Agent Supreme!" the Lanaktallan crowed as he sped down the road.
"Indeed, you are a masterful criminal genius, sir," Major Bloodfist said.
"Why thank you, Major," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd said, rolling down the window and putting both his left elbows on the window frame as the wind whipped in and ruffled the hair on his flank. "That was most enjoyable and now we have plenty of black-market currency to help fund our operations."
"It's almost nightfall. We should stop at the hotel and refuel the car, have the oil changed, and spend the night. You must be exhausted after all your dastardly deeds, sir," Major Bloodfist said, checking his datalink.
"Excellent plan. Ensure there is a food seller about, I worry about you minions' nutritional needs," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd said magnanimously.
"You are most considerate, sir," Major Bloodfist said.
Ba'ahn Ya'ahd was satisfied when he pulled into the hotel. He trotted around the building twice, making sure there were no Terran Intelligence Agents hiding in the bushes (which he was careful to poke with his shotgun to make sure they weren't Lanaktallan-eating bushes) or any High Threat Response Teams from local LawSec or CorpSec lurking about.
Satisfied he trotted into his room, took out a cube of dehydrated cud, and put it in his mouth. It slowly expanded as he sat on the bed and counted the stacks of money. He shivered in pleasure with the amount he had made off with. Surely this would hamper the Terrans' war fighting efforts. He had stolen nearly thirty million Hamburger Kingdom dollars. The sight of the ominous and deadly looking crowned Terran with "In Burger King We Trust" underneath did give him the chills. The dead ruler's eyes seemed to follow him around as if to say "Where is your God now?" with its cold gaze.
"Herr Ya'ahd," Heinrich broke in as Ba'ahn Ya'ahd was turning all the stacks of bills face down so he didn't have to lock eyes with the long dead ruler of the Hamburger Kingdom.
"Yes, yes, Heinrich, I am here," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd said, trotting over and moving the curtain slightly to check out in the parking lot for any lurking vigilantes. He'd seen the documentary about the immortal Frank Castle, who often blew up entire hotel rooms, and had no desire to have the frightening Terran vigilante hunting him.
"You may want to turn on the Tri-Vid, mein Herr," Heinrich said, with a click of his shoes that Ba'ahn Ya'ahd could hear through the comlink. "Channel 1842."
"Very well," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd said, turning and picking up the remote. He turned on the Tri-Vid and punched in the channel code. "I hope it is... HOW DARE HE!"
On the Tri-Vid it showed a Lanaktallan ship landing, then cut to the ramp coming down, then to...
to...
Yu'uMo'o trotting down the ramp, followed by members of the Unified Diplomatic Council! The chyron at the bottom of the screen read "LANAKTALLAN DIPLOMATIC MISSION LANDS IN ORDER TO ENSURE RULES OF WARFARE ARE ADHERED TO" followed by "GREEN MANTID SURFING CONTEST PUT ON HOLD AFTER BIG BIRDS SIGHTED IN HAWAII" and then "VERONICA SWALSQWIK CROWNED MISS CONFEDERACY AFTER BODY BUILDING COMPETITION!"
Ba'ahn Ya'ahd waved his hands, urging the chyron to go faster as the camera zoomed in on Yu'uMo'o waving to the crowds from in between the big black warborgs of the Confederacy.
"GURDY'S DUCK FEATHER TONIC STOCK RISES 15 POINTS" scrolled by.
"Uh, mein Herr, try turning up the volume," Heinrich suggested, appearing next to Ba'ahn Ya'ahd and making him jump in surprise.
"Of course. I was merely... uh... examining how it looks," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd said. He turned up the volume.
The reporter was talking about how the Lanaktallan had sent political envoys to discuss such things as prisoner exchanges, the status of unaligned planets, and such things. The Lanaktallans were restricted to a single island in the middle of one of the massive islands, but still...
...IT WAS YU'UMO'O!
"Get me his comlink number!" Ba'ahn Ya'ahd yelled, pointing at the image of Yu’uMo’o smugly inflating his crests as he talked about how hopefully the Confederacy and the Unified Council could get past what was obviously a tragic mistake regarding an attempt to provide medical assistance being mistaken for biowarfare and how unaligned elements of the military, who were obviously secessionists who were fighting against the council, had attacked Harmony.
"I have it, Comrade Ya'ahd," Otto said.
"PUT THAT RECYCLED CUD CHEWER ON THE LINE RIGHT NOW!" Ba'ahn Ya'ahd screamed.
His comlink clicked a few times then it was answered. "Most High Yu’uMo’o here. Who is this and how did you get this comlink number?"
"You neo-sapient sexual molester, what makes you think you can intrude on my operational sphere and get away with it?" Ba'ahn Ya'ahd asked, shaking with rage.
"Ah, Ya'ahd," there was a muffled question. "No, it's Secret Agent Ya'ahd. He's upset that I'm setting up an espionage operation under the cover of a diplomatic mission."
There was muffled laughter.
"YOU WILL RUE YOUR INTERFERENCE IN MY AREA OF OPERATIONS!" Ba'ahn Ya'ahd bellowed.
"I doubt it. I've already gotten away with it," Yu’uMo’o gloated.
"We'll see about that," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd snapped and shut off the comlink. He threw the remote and the Tri-Vid changed channels to show a big brown duck the size of a horse paddling around a pond, singing to itself, the camera focusing on the fact a back gate was open and swinging gently in the breeze.
"No time to rest, we must hurry to the volcano lair before my arch-rival Yu’uMo’o is able to interfere with my operations," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd barked. He snapped his fingers at the closet. "Quickly, ninjas, to the Ya'ahd Mobile!"
The closet door opened and the two ninjas somersaulted out then jumped out the window, leaving behind a cloud of smoke. On the Tri-Vid the screen was showing a big brown waterfowl with gleaming golden-brown feathers on its body and a tail of brilliant multi-hue feathers spread out like a colorful rainbow, all being sighed at by muscular gray skinned females as it waddled down the sidewalk.
Ba'ahn Ya'ahd grabbed his shotgun and grenade launcher, fuming as he ran for his car.
"Oh, he will rue the day, yes he will," he muttered as he got in.
-----
TREANA’AD HIVE WORLDS
>jams popcorn in his mouth with both hands.
It's so exciting!
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
MANTID FREE WORLDS
I can't stop watching. It's like a slow-motion train wreck.
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
TELKAN FORGE WORLDS
Is it wrong that I can't stop laughing?
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
TNVARU GESTALT
I don't understand what's so funny? Now there's ANOTHER group of spies on Terra?
And the first one stole valuable military secrets?
Why is it all funny?
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
RIGELLIAN SAURIAN COMPACT
Oh my God, the porn in the background as he ran out of the room. I couldn't stop laughing.
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
TNVARU GESTALT
Why isn't TERRASOL worried?
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
DIGITAL ARTIFICIAL SENTIENCE SYSTEMS
Those two are going to be so busy with each other that they won't get anything done.
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
BIOLOGICAL ARTIFICIAL SENTIENCE SYSTEMS
They're both confined to islands with restricted airspace and can only operate through locally hired employees. They're going to be monitored in ways that are borderline illegal.
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
TELKAN FORGE WORLDS
My money's on Ba'ahn Ya'ahd sending ninjas after the other guy.
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
MANTID FREE WORLDS
I'll take some of that action. I bet he tries to run him over with his car.
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
TREANA’AD HIVE WORLDS
This is just so exciting!
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
WELCOME TO ERF
Ba'ahn Ya'ahd hunkered his shoulders and clenched his teeth as he roared down the highway at an almost unheard of 1.5 miles per minute, actually shifting the car into third gear and putting slight pressure on the gas pedal. As he drove, he fumed at the fact that Yu’uMo’o would dare interfere in his area of operations.
And with such a lame cover as a diplomatic mission. Everyone suspected diplomats to be spies or worse. The average being on the street hated politicians, lawyers, and diplomats in any order and would gleefully fire any of the three into the sun with a mag-driver cannon. Even the Terrans, as young and undoubtedly inexperienced as they would be at diplomacy, would suspect diplomats of being spies, saboteurs, and bad guys.
If the Terrans were experienced at diplomacy they wouldn't have sent a Mantid to speak for them, Ba'ahn Ya'ahd thought to himself as he drove. Wise, since they are a young race without a long history to speak for them to other races, but it still shows their relative inexperience in diplomacy.
Beside him, Major Bloodfist thought about what he'd just seen. It had already raised a few alarms that despite his eccentric "I am a spy" attitude, Ya'ahd was competent with a grenade launcher and had quickly figured out the shotgun and was excellent at taking orders from an overwatch. When he had been told to freeze he had instantly stopped moving.
Now, as the massive car raced through the darkness, Major Bloodfist considered what they'd been able to learn so far.
Ya'ahd was highly skilled. He was naive and gullible about Terra, but that was to be expected. Nobody was prepared for Terra, especially the Hamburger Kingdom or the Vodkatrog Empire for sheer insanity. While Ya'ahd might not have caught on that he was taking part in a vacation package for rich weirdos, sooner or later he might.
Or worse, he's actually getting data, Bloodfist thought to himself. With his eyes closed he prepared a quick report that suggested that Ya'ahd might actually be gaining data that might be useful, far more than MilInt might have suspected.
The way he clutched onto old historical R&D plans in particular worried Bloodfist.
Could their tech really be that lagged behind? Bloodfist mused. Not materials, not science, per-se, but actual war-fighting tech? What if that's what he's seeing? The F4 Phantom with 'modern' materials?
He sent a memo to MilInt and LoneStar to run the specs on an F4 Phantom built with modern materials, still staying analog for the most part, to double-check it against Lanaktallan war machines that had been encountered so far.
After a few hours Ya'ahd pulled over and got out, trotting around and yawning, stretching his arms and doing some weird forward lunges and slides to stretch his flanks. He shook his head with a spray of saliva then wiped his mouth and looked around.
"Major Bloodfist, would you be willing to drive us to the volcano?" Ba'ahn Ya'ahd asked.
"Um, we have to take a hydrofoil to the island, sir," The Terran said.
Ba'ahn Ya'ahd nodded. "Of course. Do you mind driving until we reach the hydrofoil? I am extremely fatigued and it is not safe for me to drive in such condition and I disapprove of the use of stimulants when it is avoidable," he said. "You are a competent and obviously loyal minion. Would you drive?"
Major Bloodfist raised an eyebrow, surprised at that.
"Yes, sir, I can drive," Bloodfist said.
"Thank you, Major Bloodfist. I appreciate your willingness as well as your obvious skills," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd said, yawning again. He opened the rear passenger door and made motions with his hands. "Scoot, ninjas. I don't want to crush you. Go sit in the front seat or something."
He gave the ninjas to the count of fifteen in his head, then climbed in back, leaning against the back of the seat and relaxing. It only took a minute for him to be able to arrange the seatbelt to keep him comfortably upright.
"Wake me when we reach the hydrofoil, Major," Ya'ahd said, closing all six eyes. He sighed a few times, recited a mantra, and let the hypnotic trigger take him into sleep.
-----
Ya'ahd woke up when the car stopped. He had been in a deep dreamless sleep to recharge quickly, only six to eight hours instead of the twelve his people usually needed. He opened the door and got out, stretching and looking around.
He was at a set of docks, the wooden planks leading out onto the blue ocean. Behind him was a city, strange looking to Ya'ahd's eyes. Tall buildings and short buildings mixed together. He could faintly hear the honking of vehicles and the background noise of any large metropolis.
"Where are we, Major?" Ba'ahn Ya'ahd asked Major Bloodfist.
"San Angelos. It's two hours by hydrofoil to your volcano lair," the large Terran said.
Chrome Cortez got out and the car springs squeaked as the weight was lifted off of them.
"Heinrich?" Ba'ahn Ya'ahd said.
"Yes, mein Herr?" Heinrich said, materializing out of thin air and clicking his heels together.
"Is the volcano lair's system ready?" Ba'ahn Ya'ahd asked.
"Jawohl, mein Herr," Heinrich said.
"Excellent. Prepare for our arrival. I need to make immediate plans," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd said.
"If I may, sir," Heinrich said, double-checking the data from LoneStar, MilInt and TERRASOL Vacation Excitement LLC.
"Yes, Heinrich?" Ba'ahn Ya'ahd said, stopping trotting down the dock.
"Your rival is setting up on a nearby island to you. It is only three hundred miles out of your way, perhaps two hours via hydrofoil," Heinrich said.
"Really?" Ba'ahn Ya'ahd said, reaching behind him and slowly drawing his grenade launcher. He turned to Major Bloodfist. "Does the hydrofoil have camouflage systems?"
"Yesssss," Major Bloodfist said, drawing the word out as he quickly pinged his boss. "It might take a little bit to get it ready."
"Excellent. Disguise the hydrofoil as... hmm... AHA! Disguise it as a Mantid separatist pirate vessel, issue out disguises for the crew, and plot a course for Yu’uMo’o’s pathetic island," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd ordered.
Major Bloodfist groaned as he realized the explanation for why the Mantid would attack them in the desert had just come back around to bite him the ass. He delivered a warning to the LoneStar Legal Department and forwarded the orders to the crew on the boat.
Ba'ahn Ya'ahd turned to the two Rigellian bodyguards. "Please arm yourself with heavy weapons, my dears," he said, rubbing his top two hands together even while he held the grenade launcher in his lower hands. "We have a delivery to make."
Major Bloodfist had to admit that Ba'ahn Ya'ahd had the 'evil laugh' down pat as Ba'ahn Ya'ahd trotted down the dock toward the hydrofoil.
