Behold: Humanity!: Total War, page 2
"That sounds like it will take a long time. Will it be boring?" Ba'ahn Ya'ahd asked.
Captain Half-Feather shook his head. "No, sir. You'll be moving through Anarchy Territory as well as the Nevada-Neuvo Mexico Mutant Lands. You'll have to be part of an armed convoy."
"Herr Ya'ahd has discovered that there is a Terran aerospace research facility he would like to infiltrate and secure classified data from," Heinrich said, clicking his digital heels and standing up straight.
"Which one is that?" Captain Half-Feather said, as if he didn't know.
"Area-51," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd said, rubbing his hands together. "My Digital Sentient hacker Otto told me that they are developing a new combat craft for the war called the F4 Phantom. A high tech aerospace fighter designed for air to air combat and close air support."
"Of course, sir," Captain Half-Feather said, pinging his datalink to set up the Area 51 raid.
"Of course, I will need local currency. Preferably unmarked bills. A lot of unmarked bills," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd mused.
"Herr Ya'ahd has been informed that there is a large monetary exchange coming up, where the Hamburger Kingdom will be collecting old physical money to destroy and exchange for newly printed money. Herr Ya'ahd would like to assemble a strike team to rob the Silver City Bank," the eVI Heinrich said in a snappy accent full of menacing authority.
"Wise choice, sir," Captain Half-Feather said solemnly while pinging his superiors to set up one bank robbery. He added a 'jet-pack getaway' remembering that Ba'ahn Ya'ahd had purchased a jet pack and seemed really eager to use it. "You are indeed an espionage agent to be reckoned with."
Ba'ahn Ya'ahd just nodded, opening the door to the ground vehicle and getting in. It was very comfortable, even if it did look quite primitive. No electronic gauges, just analog dials. He looked out. "Why is this vehicle so primitive?"
"The Mutant Lands, Herr Ya'ahd," Heinrich snapped. "Radiation and worse would destroy the electronics."
"Hmm, makes sense," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd mused. He pressed a button on the steering wheel and a mechanical targeting reticle popped up in front of the steering wheel. "Ooh, I like this." He pressed the button again and it disappeared. "You Terrans really known how to make light combat vehicles."
"Thank you, mein Herr," Heinrich snapped, clicking his digital heels again.
Captain Half-Feather just checked with the head office to see if they were liaising with the correct companies to ensure that everything went smoothly and his client got everything he wanted. There was the problem that the client was not SUDS'd up, but Lonestar had dealt with that situation before.
Half-Feather had to admit it was a little odd. Beings who were not SUDS'd up that purchased the level of protection that the client had insisted upon usually hid in their penthouse 24/7, not went gallivanting around the Hamburger Kingdom in a combat vehicle.
But hey, he'd signed the release forms so whatever happened was on him.
"Heinrich," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd said, turning in the seat.
"Jawohl, mein Herr?" Heinrich snapped out, again clicking his heels.
"Have my possessions packed and the convoy arranged. I want to leave before Confederate Intelligence is able to pin down my location," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd ordered.
Captain Half-Feather managed to not laugh out loud.
-----
Ba'ahn Ya'ahd was enjoying driving his 'hot-rod' down the roughly asphalted road. Around him was nothing but reddish sand interspersed with chunks of plasma glass and the odd cactus and tumbleweed. He couldn't believe how fast the car was. He was travelling over a mile a minute and he could tell the car could go much faster than the insanely dangerous speed he was currently traveling at.
In front of him were two security vehicles, armored transports containing cybernetically augmented troops carrying heavy weapons. Behind him was a fuel tanker, because there were no refueling stations that could be depended on the entirety of Route 666, then two more security vehicles.
Next to him, sitting in the seat, was his Head of Security, Major Bloodfist, whose name made Ba'ahn Ya'ahd shiver in anticipation of just how fearsome and deadly the big cyber-augmented human must be. He even had animal attack scars on his face and neck and carried a knife nearly as long as Ba'ahn Ya'ahd's forearm as well as chrome cyber-eyes that glowed a faint red.
In the back seat were two Ninjas that Ba'ahn Ya'ahd had found playing cards in his closet. They had insisted on accompanying him in his car and Ba'ahn Ya'ahd kept checking the mirror.
Yup, still invisible.
Ninjas are the greatest, Ba'ahn Ya'ahd thought to himself as he looked back out the front armaglass window. It was exciting to see all the belts and chains on the engine moving so fast, the durachrome shining in the sun.
Now this, this was a proper vehicle for a renown Secret Agent Superspy of the Lanaktallan people! Even the other Secret Most High spies didn't have anything like this.
He began to hear the faint sound of music and looked around. Major Bloodfist lifted up his communicator and listened closely, then got Ba'ahn Ya'ahd's attention.
"Sir, the Desert of Desolation Sand Pirates are rapidly approaching, led by Lord Chongus. They must know we have a tanker of gas," the Terran ex-soldier said. "Would you prefer to drive or use the guns?"
Ba'ahn Ya'ahd thought about it for a second. "I will drive and use the guns on the vehicle," he said.
"Of course, sir," Major Bloodfist AKA Ulganta Atkiktak Raleigh said. He pulled back the roof shield and stood up, yanking the charging lever to load the replica fifty caliber machinegun.
"Herr Ya'ahd," Heinrich said over Ba'ahn Ya'ahd's datalink.
"Yes, minion?" Ba'ahn Ya'ahd said.
"Herr Otto has managed to seize control of a surveillance satellite for your usage," the eVI stated. "You have multiple warlord mutants closing in on you. Herr Otto wanted you to be warned."
"Thank him for me, Heinrich," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd said. He noticed that the four heavy armored vehicles were moving into a cross formation with the tanker truck in the middle. He gunned the engine, moving almost 1.25 miles per minute, and took the lead.
Seconds later a human wearing feathers in his hair and armor made up of rubber pads and sections of body armor, riding a two wheeled vehicle, came speeding across the road. Ba'ahn Ya'ahd pressed the triggers on the machineguns then cursed as he remembered he hadn't deployed them from their hidden compartments. As the human threw a bottle of flaming liquid at Ba'ahn Ya'ahd's car, and missed, he deployed the twin linked .50 caliber machineguns.
It quickly developed into a complete whirlwind of vehicles speeding up then slowing down, trying to ram Ba'ahn Ya'ahd, and speeding in front of him. Luckily, he managed to destroy several of the fast and nimble two wheeled ones.
When a heavy vehicle containing mostly nude Terrans wearing masks slammed into the side of his vehicle Ba'ahn Ya'ahd grabbed his shotgun, cocked it, and pointed it out the shattered side window, closing the opposite side eye, holding the shotgun with his upper two hands and steering with his lower hands. He pulled the trigger, pumped it, and shot again. Both shots hit the humans inside and the car yanked away, slid, then rolled and exploded.
Ba'ahn Ya'ahd whooped in excitement.
Then the vehicles peeled off, vanishing into the desert, leaving behind nothing but a cloud of dust. Major Bloodfist ducked back inside the car, slamming the shield back into place.
"We got lucky, sir," Major Bloodfist said. "Usually, they attack for much longer." He listened to his big communications device. "No casualties, sir."
"Excellent, Major," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd said, nodding. He reloaded his shotgun. "Is all of Terra like this?"
"Oh, no, sir, just the places badly damaged by the Mantid War," Major Bloodfist said, doublechecking how he should answer.
"Well, we're safe now, Major," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd said confidently.
"Yes, sir," Major Bloodfist said, leaning back in his seat and closing his eyes. He had about two hours till the next part.
-----
Ba'ahn Ya'ahd was glad that it was time to stop. His hands and arms ached from driving for so long so he was glad to pull into an abandoned area. There was an old asphalt lot, some shelters, and a bathroom with areas for males and females. His security agents immediately made sure the place was clear, and except for a venomous serpent, everything was secure within minutes.
His minions set up his shelter, complete with a comfortable sleeping sling. Ba'ahn Ya'ahd yawned, thanked his new agents for their faithful service, and went in and went to bed.
Captain Half-Feather, now wearing the outfit of one of the basic minions of the client, walked around the perimeter, helping the technicians check the hard light and hologram emitters as well as do function checks on the appropriate equipment. Once he was done, he went back and rested.
Just before dawn Ba'ahn Ya'ahd found himself being shaken awake by Major Bloodfist.
"Sir, we need to leave! The Mantid Nest found out we were here and we've got Mantid Warriors heading straight toward us. We have to evac!" the Major told Ba'ahn Ya'ahd while he was still half-asleep.
Ba'ahn Ya'ahd could hear the shriek of plasma weapons and explosions as well as the bone chilling war cries of Mantid warrior caste. Half panicked he untangled from his sling, got dressed, and grabbed his grenade launcher and rifle combo. Following the Major's advice, he ran outside just as a flare lit up the whole encampment.
Ten-foot tall Mantid warriors screamed and fired plasma weapons, fired rockets, and threw grenades as Ba'ahn Ya'ahd's security forces fought back.
"This way, sir, to your car, we have to get out of here!" Major Bloodfist called out, running for the car and waving at Ba'ahn Ya'ahd to follow him.
Lowing in fear Ba'ahn Ya'ahd galloped after the Terran, who was unlocking the vehicles.
"We'll escape, the men will hold them off. We'll meet at the rally point!" Major Bloodfist said, sliding inside and getting behind the wheel.
In the back seat were two black garbed Ninjas, playing cards and ignoring what was going around. They saw that Ba'ahn Ya'ahd could see them and threw a smoke bomb on the floor. Ba'ahn Ya'ahd coughed and waved his hands around until the smoke cleared and revealed the back seat was empty.
Excellent. Money well spent on Ninjas, he thought to himself.
"Use your grenade launcher to clear the ones by the gate and we'll drive through the rest!" Major Bloodfist called out as he started the car and pulled it around, spraying up a big rooster-tail of red sand.
Ba'ahn Ya'ahd got out his grenade launcher, aiming it out the broken window, and firing two grenades. They exploded and massive Mantid warriors were blown into the air, ripped apart by the explosions.
"YEE HAW!" Ba'ahn Ya'ahd yelled as the car sped through the suddenly empty gate, swerved as Major Bloodfist pulled a hard right onto the asphalt, and hit the gas hard enough that smoke tore from the tires.
"Oh, use the smoke dispenser!" Ba'ahn Ya'ahd said, reaching forward and flipping a switch. There was a "whumph" and a big cloud of smoke erupted from behind the vehicle as it sped into the dawn darkness.
"We must have gotten too close to the Hive," Major Bloodfist said. "Keep an eye out, there's millions of them that roam this desert."
"Terra is an exciting place! I'm so glad I came here to commit espionage!" Ba'ahn Ya'ahd said, rubbing his hands together.
"I'm glad you think so, sir," Major Bloodfist answered as the car sped through the darkness.
-----
MANTID FREE WORLDS
This is almost cruel. I know he's a spy and all, but this is patently unfair.
We do not have a hive in the desert. It's a resort, not a 'hive.'
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
TELKAN FORGE WORLDS
Wait, does this guy think it's all real?
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
TNVARU GESTALT
There's a spy on Terra?
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
TREANA’AD HIVE WORLDS
Yeah, but he's not a very good one.
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
MANTID FREE WORLDS
Hey, now, he's managed to discover the Terran concept of a 'vacation' pretty quick.
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
TELKAN FORGE WORLDS
He REALLY likes that grenade launcher.
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
DIGITAL ARTIFICIAL SENTIENCE SYSTEMS
Well, to be honest, grenade launchers are fun if you're the one shooting them.
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
TNVARU GESTALT
He's going to try to get the plans to the F4 Phantom! Won't that disrupt the war effort?
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
TERRASOL
Oh. Yeah. Totally. Help. Someone save us.
/////////
MANTID FREE WORLDS
Don't tease Tnvaru like that.
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
TNVARU GESTALT
I don't get it.
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
BIOLOGICAL ARTIFICIAL SENTIENCE SYSTEMS
Come here, I'll explain it to you.
And why TERRASOL's being a dick.
----NOTHING FOLLOWS---
TERRASOL
Would you rather I just shot him and dumped him in a hole so they could send someone competent?
/////////
RIGELLIAN SAURIAN COMPACT
Good point.
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
ASSAULT ON AREA-51
The day was hot and dry, the sky a clear blue without a hint of clouds, the yellow star turning the entire reddish desert into a furnace. The convoy was pulled over at a small, abandoned enclave, the cherry red muscle car surrounded by four heavily armored APCs, having the 50 gallon tank refueled by the tanker truck that was part of the convoy. The tanker truck had been attacked and graffiti sprayed on it. Such arcane statements as "MANTIDS RULE HUMIES DROOL" and "FREE KIKAKIK!" and "REMEMBER DOVER SPIKE!" on the sides in multicolor paints that had been sprayed by small task focused little drones.
Standing at a wooden table were two holograms, a Lanaktallan in a black tuxedo, a human with bad facial scarring and heavy cybernetics, and a massive bulky cyborg made of chrome, black durasteel, and ragged flesh.
There were also two humans dressed completely in black with swords sheathed on their backs sitting in the shade and playing a complex tile game as they ignored everything around them.
I have only the best ninjas, Ba'ahn Ya'ahd thought to himself before turning back and looking at the holographic map. It was of a complex military base in the middle of a dry lake. Strangely enough satellites couldn't get a view of it, all attempts at sat-surveillance led to nothing but a blank spot of desert.
These Terrans are indeed crafty, but the plans for the F4 Phantom will be mine, Ba'ahn Ya'ahd thought to himself, rubbing all four hands together.
"So, with the hat and ID, the guards will mistake you for a three star Space Force general," his eVI-liaison said in the heavy officious and stern accent. "This will enable you to get by security. Herr Otto will add a transponder spoofer to your implant that will identify you as a high ranking Space Force officer, so this will fool the computer and allow Herr Otto to access the computer and base communications."
Ba'ahn Ya'ahd nodded, staring at the map of the Space Force research and development site. He had to admit, it seemed much more impressive than even the R&D planets he had conducted espionage on. The location said "You do not belong here unless you are wildlife", the buildings were all squat, hardened to withstand an atomic blast, and drab and said "You are not welcome in this place" and the sheer amount of roving guards, guard towers, heavy fences, and security made Ba'ahn Ya'ahd tremble with excitement.
Not one of the facilities he had infiltrated over his hundred and fifty years of life was this heavily guarded.
"Any response is at least two hours away for fast attack hovercraft, so even if the alarm is raised, you should be able to escape quite handily," Heinrich stated. "Once you're inside, Herr Otto will guide you to where they keep secret plans."
Ba'ahn Ya'ahd straightened up and thought for a moment. "So, there might be more technological plans than just for the Phantom?"
"Yes, Herr Ya'ahd," Heinrich said. "As you see, Terrans are very security conscious, so technical plans are never stored on computers, but rather on blue paper with white lines called, of course, 'blueprints'. The file room should contain much data that might be of interest, but you have a limited time window within the blueprint room."
"Of course, of course," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd said, putting his fingertips together. He nodded slowly. "Grab what I can as fast as I can then make my way out where my vehicle will be waiting."
"Yes, Herr Ya'ahd," Heinrich said.
"Major Bloodfist and I will wait in the car. We will have identification stating we are typists and secretaries," the massive cyborg rumbled. Ba'ahn Ya'ahd turned to the cyborg, known as Chrome Cortez (Real Name: Juan Sqwakiki Lymner), and nodded excitedly.
"I should definitely take my grenade launcher and that wonderful shotgun weapon with me," Ba'ahn Ya'ahd mused.
"Yes, Herr Ya'ahd, it is a legal requirement that individuals within the nation of the Hamburger Kingdom be armed at all times," Cortez rumbled.
"All right, we're ready," Ya'ahd said, turning to the ninjas. They saw him looking, threw something to the ground, and disappeared in the smoke. Ya'ahd heard the car door slam and nodded to himself, knowing that they were now hiding somewhere in the car.
Ba'ahn Ya'ahd trotted over to his car, nodding to his two bodyguards. He had to admit they were impressive. Grey skinned Rigellians just rippling with oiled muscle, wearing crossed studded leather straps across their chests, leather pants with openings to expose their gray buttocks cheeks, and heavy leather belts around their waists where they kept knives and pistols and all manner of gadgets.
He was very impressed with them as they ignored him in order to watch the surroundings for any potential Terran Intelligence Agency assassins that might lurk about to capture or kill him before he could damage their war fighting ability against the Unified Council.
