Corrupted, page 20
Suddenly I freeze as I see the number 205 on the door to the left of me. This is it, the moment of truth. What if she doesn’t like me? I suddenly think, and then I brush the thought off. It doesn’t matter whether she likes me or not, we’re genetically related so she’s bound to at least feel something towards me. I knock on the door with my hands shaking; this is the moment I finally get to meet my mother. “Come in,” I hear through the door and before I get so nervous that I change my mind, I open the door and walk inside. Amanda is sat behind the desk and the first thing I note is that she looks nothing like me; she has blonde hair in a pixie hair style and a petite frame. Finally, my mum or Mandy, looks up at me and I freeze, I wonder if she recognises me, but then that’s ridiculous; she’s not seen me since I was a baby.
“Who the heck are you?” she says in a clipped English accent, she does not look happy to see me, but then she doesn’t know who I am yet. I stand frozen to the spot unable to speak and her intimidating stare does not make me feel any more comfortable.
“I’m…I’m…” I stutter, “I think you’re my mother.” She gasps as her mouth drops open, who can blame her? It’s been 34 years since she last saw me as a tiny baby. Still, I am happy she now knows who I am, because now we can get the awkward part over with and move on to just talking. While I am waiting for her to respond, I take a quick glance around her office trying to see if it will tell me anything about her. However, it’s pretty bland, with just some filing cabinets and bookshelves, nothing that tells me much about her, except that maybe she likes to keep her professional and private life separate, not a good thing if it’s true, considering I’m here.
“You need to leave,” says Mandy suddenly. For a moment I think I have misheard her, and I just stand there smiling at her expectantly like an idiot. “I said you need to leave,” she repeats, and I look at her bewildered, maybe I’ve done this all wrong, maybe I should have given her an advanced warning I was coming. Anyway, she’s just in shock, once I give her a few minutes, she’ll calm down and we’ll be able to laugh about it together.
“Look I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” I say honestly moving forward, “I just wanted to meet you.” She blinks and for a second, I think I see her eyes soften and I’m sure it’s all going to be ok.
“Well now you have, and I wish you well,” she says firmly. “Goodbye.” She moves towards me and for a second, I think she is about to hug me, instead she begins to guide me towards the door. I stand by ground as surely; she is just in shock and this is a misunderstanding.
“I’m confused,” I say, “don’t you want to ask me any questions?” Mandy looks at me coldly.
“Why would I?” she says bluntly, “there’s a reason I gave you up!” I can feel a lump forming in my throat as I feel the hopes I had of meeting my kind and loving mother, disintegrate around me. Why does she not want to know me? I try to understand as she continues to try and guide me towards the door.
“I just thought that…” I start but I trail off under her cold and clinical gaze as it slowly starts to dawn on me; this woman doesn’t just not want to know me, but it’s almost as if she hates me.
“Oh, I get it,” says Mandy placing her hands on her hips, “you thought you would turn up here and it would like one beautiful family reunion.” I look at her blankly trying to not let my emotions show, she might think less of me if I cry in front of her. “You thought the minute I found out who you are,” she continues, “I would break down, hug you and tell you I never stopped thinking about you. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but the simple truth of the matter is…I never wanted you!”
I choke back a sob as I try to tell myself that it doesn’t matter if this woman doesn’t like me; I don’t need her approval. However, I always thought my parents might have given me up for adoption so I could have a better life, because they couldn’t look after me, not because they didn’t want to.
“Why?” I ask emotionally, “why didn’t you want me?” Mandy shrugs her shoulders and my heart breaks into a million tiny pieces, that’s all I am worth to her, a simple shrug of her shoulders.
“I was young. I had my whole life ahead of me and you would have ruined everything.” Suddenly, I think I realise what is going on, she’s pushing me away because she thinks I’m angry with her for giving me up, but if I can just make her understand, then everything will be ok.
“I…don’t blame you for giving me up,” I say reassuringly, “I just want to get to know you.” She sighs, and for a moment, I think I might actually be getting through to her because she is looking at me in wonder, as if she is thinking about what might have been and what could be. However, suddenly her look of wonder is gone, replaced with a cold hard icy expression that I am beginning to think is the one she wears the most.
“Look the only thing you need to know about me is I would have made a shit parent,” she says sympathetically, “still would. Now, I’m not interested in playing happy families.”
Although the things she is saying are hurting me, I almost feel a small twitch of sympathy for this woman, she clearly has her own issues which are separate from having me. I guess we’re not going to have the relationship I had hoped for and I feel a sharp pang of pain as I admit that to myself. However, I still have one glimmer of hope left, hopefully she can give me at least a little more information.
“Then maybe you could at least tell me about my father,” I say, “his name wasn’t on my birth certificate. Do you know who he is?” I immediately know I have said the wrong thing because her expression changes to one of fury.
“Get out!!” she snaps. “You’ve got 30 seconds before I call security.” She practically pushes me out the door, but I can’t let this be how we part, there must be something more I can do or say to make her understand.
“Please!” I say practically begging, “I just want to know who I am.”
Mandy looks at me sympathetically and for a split second I think that finally I have got through to her, but then she says “You won’t get that from me or anybody else. Get out!!!” Then she shoves me through the door and slams it shut behind me. I can barely move from the pain as I feel my legs starting to go from under me. Why did I ever think this was a good idea? and why did I ever think I was ever deserving of such love from a complete stranger? I can’t do anything right. I slide down the door and begin to sob; am I really so unlovable?
Chapter Thirty-One
Rejection
Dear Diary
I’ve never really recovered from my birth mother rejecting me, I’ve had so much pain in my life, but when she told me she didn’t want me; it’s like someone ripped out my heart and with it, my one chance of starting over. I will never understand how anyone can look their own child in the eye and tell them that they didn’t want them; that they were a mistake.
Today I felt like someone ripped my heart out all over again, when I realised that the Doc had betrayed my trust. I know it’s not the same thing, but I guess meeting my birth mother…it was the last time I tried to get close to someone, but then, he’s just my psychiatrist, why do I care? I am beginning to feel like maybe there is more to our relationship than I want to admit, but that would mean Remy is right! Well, it doesn’t matter because he certainly doesn’t feel that way about me, particularly now that I’ve just slapped him around the face. Besides what would he say to me if I told him the truth? Would he take it as confirmation of my guilt? Or would he believe me when I say I’m innocent? It sounds ridiculous to say I’m innocent, when the truth is, I don’t even remember what happened. All I know is what they have told me and what I have read about that night; they say that I killed some man on the street. They say my mind has blocked it out, but I don’t believe them. I know myself; I’m not the kind of person to murder someone. I can’t be, because despite all I have been through, deep down, I still feel like there is hope and I am a good person; a murderer surely wouldn’t feel like that would they?
Lucy
Chapter Thirty-Two
A Pretty Tall Order
Lucy took a deep breath to steady her nerves and then knocked on Robertson’s door. She did not wait for a response; instead, she pulled the handle and pushed the door open gently. She walked in to see Robertson sat behind the desk sipping a cup of coffee. His eyes widened as he caught sight of her.
“Lucy,” he said nervously, “I wasn’t sure I’d be seeing you today.” Lucy sighed as she walked over to sit in the chair opposite him.
“Me neither,” she stated honestly, “Yesterday was an extremely emotionally day.” Robertson nodded in agreement.
“I am so so sorry Lucy,” he began apologetically, “you have no idea how sorry. I’ve never done anything like that before. Remy mentioned that you told her you dated a sugar daddy, and I must have let his name slip by accident.” Lucy blinked, she hadn’t really expected an apology, but the fact that he had apologised almost gave her a new-found respect for him. So much so, that she felt a small ounce of guilt for slapping him without stopping to get the facts first.
“How’s your face?” she asked in a matter-of-fact tone, though she was feeling guilty she didn’t want him to think she was being sympathetic after the way he had treated her.
“I definitely deserved that,” admitted Robertson and Lucy blinked, he was right, but he rarely took her side of the argument.
“Yes, you did, but it doesn’t make it right that I slapped you.” Robertson came around the desk and perched on the edge of it in his usual spot.
“Did it make you feel better?” he asked curiously and there was an amused tone in his voice.
“A lot better,” admitted Lucy, although she could not help but grin slightly at him.
“Then I’ll live!” he offered, and he returned the grin. Lucy swallowed the lump that was forming in her throat and decided to mention the other elephant in the room.
“Are we going to talk about the other thing Remy spoke to you about?” she asked nervously, and Robertson stared at her blankly.
“What other thing?” he questioned. Lucy sighed, he either knew what she was talking about and was trying to feign ignorance, or he genuinely had no idea.
“Don’t make me say it!” sighed Lucy cautiously hoping that Remy had not been lying in what she had said. She stared at him pointedly without breaking eye contact and eventually Robertson sighed.
“Oh that!” he replied seriously, and he suddenly became very restless, shifting backwards a little on the desk.
“Yeah!” said Lucy determined. It was not a conversation she wanted to have either but if Remy had already spoken to him then it was best not to beat around the bush. Robertson said nothing for a little while, observing Lucy carefully as if he would find some evidence of how to proceed.
“Well there’s nothing to discuss,” he stated finally, and Lucy breathed a small sigh of relief.
“Exactly,” she asserted quickly, “that’s what I told her!” Lucy felt more at ease now that she knew that Robertson knew it was all ridiculous too. In fact, she wanted to laugh in relief because the whole idea was crazy really. He was her psychiatrist after all, and she was his patient. Now they could go back to their normal, if not slightly dysfunctional, doctor-patient relationship.
“Good,” said Robertson quietly and Lucy seemed to realise he wasn’t entirely sure what to say and she once again found herself feeling genuine sympathy for Robertson. ‘He must feel incredibly awkward’ she thought, ‘imagine a patient accusing you of having sexual tension or an inappropriate relationship with another patient, he must be worrying about his job’.
“Fine!” said Lucy reassuringly “I honestly don’t know where she got such a crazy idea.” Lucy knew that she was now bending the truth, there was a small part of her that found the Doc attractive and Remy must have picked up on that, but there was no good in ever admitting that to Robertson. It would be pointless, make him feel even more awkward and just embarrass her. Best to allow him to believe that they were completely on the same page when it came to this.
“Well, she is in a psychiatric hospital,” mused Robertson and Lucy nodded. Then she took another deep breath, there were still some things that she had to say whether the Doc wanted to hear them or not.
“Well yeah,” she said, “look I want to be honest about something, but it’s hard for me to explain.” Robertson suddenly looked cautious.
“Lucy…” he began wearily, and Lucy scoffed. She knew what he was thinking and decided he must have a pretty big ego if that was his conclusion, even if it were true.
“Nothing like that! Delusional much?” Lucy explained angrily, “I meant when you blabbed to Remy like that, it reminded me of when I met my birth mother, when she didn’t want anything to do with me.” Robertson opened his mouth to speak but Lucy held up her hand to silence him, she needed to get this out before she lost the nerve and decided to bottle it all back up again. “I know it’s not the same thing, but I don’t know…I had kind of put all my hopes on this one person to put my life together and she gave up on me before she even got to know me.” Lucy lowered her head, she hated sharing her feelings, but she needed to make Robertson understand why, what he had done had hurt her so much. Robertson groaned and lowered his head to his desk at her words.
“I keep telling you Lucy...” he muttered quietly, “I’m not giving up on you. Not now, not ever.” He looked up after speaking and Lucy’s eyes met his, she gave him a small smile to show that she did at least believe him.
“I know” she replied “but when I thought you had been gossiping about me…I guess it was just the whole...you’re not who I thought you were all over again. Before I met my birth mum, I imagined this kind and loving person who had issues, but ultimately wanted me in her life. Yet she was far from what I had imagined her to be.” Robertson stood up from his chair and moved around the desk. Lucy expected him to perch on the edge of his desk, as usual, but instead, he sat down on the floor next to the chair like a small helpless child. Lucy looked down at him, her mouth slightly aghast.
“I hate that I’ve disappointed you,” he said looking up at her. Lucy then shuffled uncomfortably in the chair.
“Me too,” she admitted, “though I can’t pretend to know why.” Robertson stared at her, with his eyebrows raised.
“Not to shoot myself in the foot,” he stated, “but wasn’t it because I’ve got a big mouth.” Lucy rolled her eyes at him and this time Robertson grinned, that little habit of hers used to annoy him, but now he had grown quite used to it.
“I know why,” sighed Lucy exasperated, “I mean since that happened with my birth mother, I started to push people away, they never had a chance to disappoint me. So why you Doc?” Robertson could not tear his eyes away from Lucy’s, as they both pondered the answer to her question. Suddenly, he jumped up from where he had been sitting on the floor and went back around the desk to sit on his chair.
“I don’t know,” said Robertson politely, “but I need to tell you something too.” Lucy groaned, she wondered if there would ever be a time when the Doc did not just revert to putting his professional psychiatrist head on and they could just have a normal conversation like two regular human beings. She still nodded at Robertson though, intrigued by what he might have to tell her. “I confronted the director about how she treated you,” he explained. “She denied the whole thing.” Lucy scoffed and shrugged her shoulders.
“Of course she did,” she noted bitterly, “do you think I made it all up?” She observed him carefully as she waited for him to answer. It was clearly her word against the directors, and she knew how institutes like this worked; usually the staff always stuck together.
“I’ve launched a formal complaint about her to the governing body. They’ll be a formal investigation about her conduct and her ability to run this facility.”
Lucy’s mouth dropped open and all she could think to say in response was, “oh.” There was a silence that passed between them for a few minutes and in that time, Lucy wondered whether Robertson had done that as an act of repentance. “You didn’t have to do that you know,” said Lucy, “you didn’t have to try and make up for blurting out Michael’s name.” Robertson held up his hands and shook his head.
“You must really think little of me,” he sighed, “Lucy I filled the complaint because she has no right to treat you that way and despite the little opinion you have of yourself, I don’t believe you’re a liar.”
“Thank you,” said Lucy, “wow, she’ll be well and truly pissed with me now.”
“If she so much as looks as you the wrong way let me know,” advised Robertson sincerely. Lucy smiled at him, she kind of liked that he was trying to be protective of her. “I’m so sorry to hear your birth mum was so dismissive of you,” he continued honestly, “I can’t even imagine what they must have felt like.” He picked up a pen from his desk and wrote something down on the notepad in front of him.
“Like a cold icy knife through my heart. I saw meeting my real parents as my fresh start in life, that somehow tracing down my past was the way to save my future. When all that went pear shaped, well I wasn’t strong enough to face it. Not after all the pain I’d already pushed through.” Lucy lowered her head in shame as if not being strong was a crime that she should be shown no forgiveness for.
“That’s understandable Lucy. Many people would have given in to that pain a lot sooner.”
“Perhaps it would have been better if I had done,” said Lucy miserably, “then I wouldn’t be stuck in this place.” Suddenly she began to cry and she put her hands to her face. Robertson grimaced apprehensively, before he came from around the desk. Then he perched on the desk and pulled Lucy’s hands away from her face, holding them in his.
“Lucy don’t think like that,” pleaded Robertson quietly, “they’ll come a day…maybe not now, maybe not next year, but there will be a day when you’ll feel better about everything, I promise you.” Lucy looked at him with tears streaming down her face, she wanted to believe him, that someone out there cared enough about her to actually want to see her get better, but she had been hurt so many times from broken promises.
