Corrupted, page 14
“Until next time then Doctor.” Robertson nodded before turning around and beginning to walk away. “Doc!” Lucy shouted after him, “did I make the top ten yet?” He turned around looking rather confused then suddenly broke into a grin as he realised what she was talking about.
“Oh yeah,” he replied, “I’ve moved you right to the top.” Lucy grinned at him, then he turned and walked away. Lucy feeling a lot happier than she had when she had first entered the cafeteria, headed back to the table where Remy and Max were sat.
“So, you were telling me about this plan?” she stated, looking expectantly at Remy as she sat down.
“No time,” explained Remy, “don’t you remember, you promised Elaine you’d try and go to group therapy today.” Lucy’s happiness evaporated, as she recalled a discussion, she’d had with Elaine a few days ago, where Elaine had basically guilt tripped her into at least trying to return to group therapy.
“Why did I make that promise?” she sighed, as Remy and Max stood up from the table.
“Beats me,” said Max, “but I like to keep my promises which is generally why I don’t make many. Are you coming?” Lucy scowled, but still got up from the table to follow them as they headed towards the big meeting room.
As soon as she arrived in the meeting room, she made a bee line for one of the available chairs, but before she could make it Ally blocked her way.
“Lucy,” she greeted, in the patronising tone that Lucy had grown to hate. “You know the deal,” continued Aly, “if you have decided to come back to group therapy that is great, but I need you to apologise for those negative comments you made two weeks ago.” Lucy sighed, she had grown to like Elaine and if not for her, she would have walked out there and then.
“Fine,” she stated, “I’ll apologise once everyone’s here.” Then she saw to her dismay that all of the chairs were filled, but one, her chair. Lucy glanced at Ally who she noted, was smiling at her, for some reason it made Lucy feel worse.
“Ok that’s great Lucy,” acknowledged Ally, “this is real progress. The floor is yours.” She then stepped out of the circle leaving Lucy feeling like an animal on display. She looked around to see that most of the patients except Remy and Max were observing her carefully, and one or two of them were giving her dirty looks. Lucy took a deep breath and swallowed her pride; here goes nothing she thought.
“I’m sorry if some of you got the impression that I said you were psychopaths,” began Lucy, trying to sound confident, “that is not what I meant to imply.” She smiled as though to state that the apology was in fact sincere, but many of the patients did not look impressed.
“What kind of half-hearted arsed apology is that?” snapped Old Man Macdonald and Lucy turned to glare at him. Did he not realise that she was trying her best?
“It’s the best one you’re going to get old man,” answered Lucy, through gritted teeth. Ally sighed at Lucy and gestured for her to take a seat.
“Ok Lucy,” she said wearily, “thanks for at least trying.” Lucy shuffled over to her chair in the circle which was located in-between Remy and Max. Ally re-entered the middle of the circle and gazed around at them all smiling.
“Right, so in our classes over the last few weeks we’ve been focusing on self-esteem and accomplishments,” she began confidently, “would anyone like to share anything that has made them feel good lately?” Rowdy Rosie’s hand shot up straight away and Ally nodded at her to allow her to speak.
“I finally started accepting that I’ll be on meds for a long time yet,” sighed Rosie as her eyes darted around the circle as if daring anyone to judge her. Instead, a lot of the patients started clapping, bewildered Lucy looked from Remy to Max who had already started clapping and then begrudgingly joined in with the applause. Ally put both her hands up to silence everyone.
“Well done, Rosie,” she smiled, “I know that can’t have been easy for you, given what you’ve been through. Would anyone else like to share anything?” Nobody else spoke, and there were a few moments of silence as everybody eyed each other cautiously to see who would go next. Eventually Ally began to observe each of them carefully, and Lucy had the sudden feeling of a lion stalking out its prey. She looked at the floor hoping that she would not be chosen, then she remembered and she sat up straighter in her chair.
“I apologised for something bad I did,” she offered suddenly, “and it wasn’t easy for me.” There was silence in the circle before suddenly Old Man McDonald scoffed at her.
“It don’t count; It weren’t even that good,” he responded. Lucy glared at him with distain.
“Not that one old man!” she snapped, “I apologised to someone after I said some horrible things and I felt much better about the situation.” Lucy glared around the circle as if daring any of the other patients to make any distasteful comments, but when they did not, she relaxed slightly in her chair.
“Well done, Lucy,” congratulated Ally, “you know that’s the first time I think you’ve ever volunteered something in a session. You should be proud.” Then she gestured for everyone to clap which they did, though begrudgingly. Lucy looked at Remy and Max who smiled at her, then Max opened his mouth to speak.
“I accomplished fuck all,” he bellowed, causing a few gasps in the circle, but Max held up his hands, gesturing for them to wait until he had finished. “but I realised it’s ok,” he continued, “I realised that just getting through each day and surviving this shit hole right now, that’s the real accomplishment.” Lucy expected Ally to throw him out of the session, but to her surprise, everyone started clapping at Max’s comments and she sighed; she would never understand double standards.
“Would anyone else like to share anything?” suggested Ally and this time nobody spoke. Lucy was about to suggest that they move on from giving each other pep talks, when suddenly Rowdy Rosie began to shake violently. So violently that she fell off her chair, everyone suddenly moved their chairs back to give her some space.
“HELP!” shouted Ally loudly and two security men who had been standing outside, rushed into the room. Once they saw what had happened, one of them ran for medical support. Nobody in the room dared move, as they continued to watch Rosie shake violently until all of a sudden, she stopped moving altogether. Lucy looked to Ally to see if she was going to do anything, but she seemed frozen in terror. Then suddenly Lucy remembered that she had done a training course at a job some years back for first aid and she began to act instinctively. She went over to Rosie and shook her slightly.
“Rosie,” she said, “it’s Lucy, can you hear me?” Rosie did not respond, so Lucy put her head down to Rosie’s mouth and nose. Suddenly, Lucy was filled with a sinking feeling in her stomach as she realised that Rosie was not breathing. She was trying to think of what the next stage of her training was, when she remembered that she needed to check Rosie’s airways, so she put one hand under her chin and one behind her back tilting her head slightly. Lucy could still see no sign of consciousness or breathing so putting her hands together she began to push down on Rosie’s chest. “Come on Rosie,” gasped Lucy loudly, “we’ve not had enough of that attitude problem yet!”
Then Lucy felt a hand on her shoulder, as she realised that several doctors and nurses had arrived and that her job was over. “She’s not responding,” explained Lucy, “and she’s not breathing either. I’ve checked her airways and given chest compression, but no air.” Then she got up and moved to the other side of the room to where all the other patients and Ally had been moved. As Lucy approached, a few of the patients smiled at her and she felt slightly unnerved. She was used to them all giving her dirty looks or being fearful and wondered why they would suddenly be reacting differently.
“Wow Lucy,” exclaimed Ally, “that was amazing what you did for Rosie just now. You really impressed us.” Lucy stared at all of them dumbfound, was it possible that she had gained a newfound respect from people just because she had done the right thing? Before Lucy really had time to consider this thought and what it meant, the group therapy session was dispersed by three security guards and they were all sent on their way. Remy, Lucy, and Max spent most of the rest of the day talking about what had happened.
◆◆◆
The next day, Lucy walked into Robertson’s office, saw him sat behind his desk as usual and then she froze, and did a doubletake her eyes widening in surprise. He didn’t look so much like Robertson anymore. His long hair had been cut shorter and he no longer had a moustache.
“What happened to you?” she asked curiously. Robertson peered up at her, feeling confused.
“I woke up, I ate breakfast…I had coffee with some toast, now I’m here,” he replied amused. Lucy rolled her eyes at him, but couldn’t help thinking that he looked rather handsome now that she could see his face clearly. Quickly shaking that thought off, she strolled into the office and sat in her usual place.
“As interesting as your morning sounds,” began Lucy sarcastically, “I was actually referring to the new look!” Robertson suddenly smiled sheepishly and ran a hand through his new hair style.
“Ahh,” he said, “I was a fan of the old look, but my friend told me I was beginning to closely resemble a yeti.” Lucy burst out laughing and then put her hands to her mouth almost as if she were surprised at her own reaction to his joke.
“The new look is better,” she offered honestly, “long hair on guys was so two years ago. You actually look somewhat professional now.”
“Really?” queried Robertson, seemingly unoffended, “well, if I look so somewhat professional, perhaps you’d care to treat me like a professional.” Lucy scoffed at him, but then a small smile began to play on her lips.
“I’ll take it in to consideration,” she said smugly. Robertson raised his eyebrows and was about to respond when he seemed to think better of it. Instead, he cleared his throat.
“I heard you acted very bravely in group therapy yesterday,” stated Robertson, “when one of the patients collapsed.” Lucy gave a small nod while looking at the floor.
“Fat lot of good it did,” she offered quietly, “she still died.”
“Yeah, but you tried, and that’s important.” Lucy shrugged her shoulders, still not being able to bring herself to make eye contact with him.
“Yeah,” she muttered quietly. Then they once again descended into an eerie silence. After about ten minutes of no words exchanged, Lucy sat up in her chair feeling restless. “So, this is in no way awkward,” she noted. Robertson learned back in his chair, feeling thoughtful.
“When I was 10 years old, my Auntie took me to the funfair, it was the best day ever,” he stated, “we rode all the big roller coasters, and I won a stuffed bear on a ring toss game. I remember coming home being excited about my bear and was eager to tell my mom about it.” Lucy said nothing, as she listened to him and watched him carefully urging him to continue with the story. “When I got home, my mum was sat at the dining table, smoking a cigarette with a glass of wine in her hand. I rushed forward to show her my prize,” he stated emotionlessly, “and she turned to me and said ‘your dad died this morning, thought you should know’. Then she stood up and walked into the kitchen.” Lucy’s mouth fell open in shock; Robertson’s mother made her own mother sound angelic.
“That’s awful.” Robertson nodded in agreement while watching her carefully.
“To this day I’ve never been able to set foot in a funfair again,” he added seriously. Lucy felt mixed emotions over his story; she was glad that Robertson had finally shared something meaningful with her, but she also felt bad for him which was a feeling most alien to her.
“I’m so sorry,” spluttered Lucy finally, “why would your mother just tell you like that?” Robertson shrugged his shoulders, and his face did not display a great deal of emotion over what he had divulged, but then Lucy guessed that he was probably trying to hide it.
“My mother was…is a very interesting person,” Robertson replied. Lucy nodded and then shuffled awkwardly in her seat. She was not used to people sharing things with her; usually it was her who was constantly being asked to reveal her secrets.
“Why did you tell me that?” She was finding it difficult to believe that something so terrible had happened to him, yet he had somehow become a decent psychiatrist. Robertson leaned forward on the desk wearing a serious expression.
“I don’t want you to feel like you’re just a victim in this office,” he admitted honestly, “I think you have done amazing considering how much you have been through.” Lucy flushed pink, feeling touched at his words, before she realised how wrong they were.
“Despite the murder charge,” she stated bitterly. Robertson stood up from his chair and made his way around the desk, before perching himself on the edge of it.
“You said you didn’t do it.” He smiled at her reassuringly.
“I know,” stated Lucy defensively, “I meant, I’ve not done amazing, considering where I am now.” She threw up her hands in frustration and Robertson leaned forward and placed a hand on her shoulder.
“You’re not beyond hope Lucy,” he coaxed, “only you can choose to save yourself though; you’re nobody’s victim.” Lucy glanced down at his hand on her shoulder before looking up to meet his eyes. Robertson stared back at her for a moment before quickly jumping up off the desk and putting both his hands in his pockets. Lucy blinked surprised at his quick reaction, but then she crossed her arms and sighed.
“Can’t do much from in here though,” she muttered. The irritation in her voice was clear and Robertson’s eyes never lefts hers as he made his way back around his desk.
“You’d be surprised,” he said, as he sat down, “do you mind if we talk about Michael again?” Lucy shrugged her shoulders, she really didn’t want to, but after such a bold confession on Robertson’s part, she felt like she owed him something.
“I’ve been thinking of him a lot lately,” She admitted, “we had some good times together; they almost don’t seem real.”
“Where is he now?” he asked. Lucy sighed and sat back in the chair trying to keep her expression neutral.
“Dead!” she replied bluntly. Robertson raised his eyebrows and Lucy could tell that he was somewhat surprised. Though it had been almost fifteen years; it was hard for Lucy to believe he was dead.
“What did he die of?” asked Robertson kindly.
“Bullet straight to the chest,” she explained miserably. Then upon catching sight of Robertson’s shocked expression quickly added, “it wasn’t me!” Robertson shook his head and waved his hands in self-defence.
“I wasn’t thinking that at all,” he stated sympathetically, “I’m sorry Lucy. How did you find out?” Lucy drew her legs up on to the chair and hugged them with her arms.
“I was there when it happened,” she admitted quietly. Then she began to recall an awful memory, that she had for far too long pushed to the back of her mind as if it did not exist at all…
Chapter Twenty-Two
I’d be Lying
Michael leans forward, I think he is going to kiss me, and I smile in anticipation, but instead he does something better, he leans into my ear and whispers, “I love you, you know,” and I think I am going to faint. All this time, I’ve been worried, that he was just using me to pre-occupy his time, but he genuinely loves me. My heart feels like it could soar and I am grinning from ear to ear. When I come back to reality, I realise that Michael is looking at me in part curiosity and part amusement. That’s when I realise, I love you is usually followed by something else, but wait, do I love him? Then I sigh, of course I bloody love the man, I don’t just fool around with every man that comes along.
“I love you too,” I affirm, I try to put as much feeling into it as possible, so that he knows I mean it. “Is that the important thing you wanted to tell me,” I ask smiling; Michael suddenly looks worried and shakes his head.
“Actually no,” he replies, “there’s something else, only I don’t know how you’ll feel about it?” Shit: he’s going to propose!! Is 3 months long enough to get engaged? Especially if one of you is an employee of the other one? Oh, what the hell I figure, he’s hot, I love him and he’s a successful rich man, this is what every girl dreams of marrying into. I am just about to ask him what he wants to tell me, when suddenly the waiter approaches our table. I look at his hands in eager anticipation, only to release he is not carrying our food. He smiles at me apologetically and then looks at Michael.
“Sir, you have an urgent message from your chauffeur outside,” he explains. Michael narrows his eyes and wrinkles his nose, puzzled at the waiter’s statement.
“Why doesn’t he just ring me?” he asks. The waiter shrugs his shoulders looking embarrassed.
“I’m afraid I don’t know sir,” he replies, “he did say it was quite urgent.” Michael nods and looks over at me regretfully, as the waiter walks away.
“I will be right back,” says Michael, I am about to say, ‘be quick, I’ll wait for you’ but then I realise how cheesy that sounds, so I nod my head and smile. He gets up and walks towards the door. I look around awkwardly, I wish my food were here so then I could have something to do. I quickly check my phone but have no calls or messages then I put it away and begin to tap my fingers on the table.
Twenty minutes later, Michael is still not back, and I am getting extremely worried. I am about to attract the waiter’s attention and that’s when I hear the sirens, in my heart I know that something is wrong. I stand up from the table and quickly make my way towards the entrance of the restaurant. It takes me a while, as there is a small crowd gathered outside, I wonder what they are doing there but then I spot the ambulance with its blue lights flashing on and off. I look around the crowd and wonder if maybe this is why Michael has not yet come back inside. Perhaps he stopped to help someone who had collapsed in the street; that would be just like him. The ambulance team are trying to get the crowd to move back, and it is only as a woman in front of me moves to the left that I see Michael and I begin to scream. He is lying on the floor with blood all around him and I rush forward with my head pounding. People seem to be quickly moving away from me, they must think I’m crazy, but I don’t care. I quickly rush over to Michael lying on the ground, I have no idea what happened. A paramedic gently pulls me aside.
