The Drummer's Heart, page 8
It wasn’t just that I got to listen to my favorite drummer practice; I got to hang out with him after. I loved our chats and the way he looked at me, even if I was starting to think all hope was gone when it came to us ever being more than friends.
I’d turned eighteen three weeks ago.
I’d been holding out hope that my age was the only thing keeping Atticus from asking me out, and that maybe when I became a legal adult, he’d make a move. But we’d hung out twice since my birthday, and nothing had changed between us.
Had I been a fool, holding out for him all this time?
I tried to tell myself it was for the best since I’d be going away to college, but that didn’t help. I still only had eyes for him. My crush on Atticus Marchetti was the most insidious thing I’d ever experienced.
Finally, I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. At the end of this particular Friday night, I was going to ask Atticus out. If he rejected me, at least it would save me months of anguish waiting for him to make a move. At least I’d know where he stood.
But when I arrived at my cousin’s basement that night, I got a rude awakening: Atticus had brought a girl. I didn’t realize she was with him at first. The girl was sitting on the couch, but I’d never seen her before. A sinking feeling developed in my stomach because she was really pretty.
“Hi,” she said. “I’m Kayla.”
“I’m Nicole.”
“How do you know the guys?” she asked.
“I’m Cassius’s cousin. Who are you?”
“I’m Atticus’s date.”
Excuse me? My cheeks burned. “I didn’t…know he was dating anyone.”
“We’ve gone out a few times now, yeah.”
The room swayed as a rush of heat shot through my body. Not only did jealousy consume me, I also felt deflated given what my plans for tonight had been. How much time had I wasted over the past couple of years, fantasizing about the day he’d finally come around?
Was this my fault? Should I have told him how I felt about him sooner? Or maybe he just never felt the same about me?
Kayla and I made small talk as the guys practiced. I did a pretty good job of pretending like my world wasn’t ending. I kept my eyes fixed on Atticus’s amazing hand movements as I normally did, getting lost in the beats and crashes of the cymbals. He commanded attention even when I was pissed.
But then during a break in the music, Kayla moved to the other side of the room and sat on Atticus’s lap. She began running her fingers through his hair. It felt like my worst nightmare.
Then Julian came up to me. “Hey, how’s it going?”
“Good,” I lied, my eyes still fixed on the sight across from me.
“I called you earlier this week, but it went to your voicemail. I wanted to see if we could check out that new 3-D movie theater that opened in Brunswick.”
“Oh. I’m sorry.” I turned to him. “I didn’t know.”
Julian had been trying to date me for the past couple of years, but I never gave him the time of day. There was nothing wrong with him. He was good-looking and sweet. His only flaw was that he wasn’t Atticus Marchetti.
My cousin seized everyone’s attention when he brought down a case of beer.
Things went from bad to worse because I knew as soon as everyone started drinking, anything could happen. My imagination ran wild. Atticus could lose his inhibitions and sleep with this girl. He probably already had. Was I naïve enough to think he hadn’t been with other girls? This was just the only time it had happened in front of my face.
I felt sick. My stomach churned. I knew I needed to leave, but felt too weak to get up.
All of a sudden, Atticus was next to me. “Are you okay?” he asked.
Refusing to look him in the eyes, I blew out a breath. “Yeah, I’m fine. Why do you ask?”
“I don’t know. You just look like something is wrong.”
I hesitated. “I think it was this…seafood I ate earlier.” Really? What the hell? I guessed that was better than telling the truth.
“Seafood?” he asked. “You’re sick to your stomach?”
“Yeah,” I murmured. “You’d better stay away so you don’t get sick, too.”
His brows drew in like he didn’t know whether to believe me, but he went back to the other side of the room.
Kayla, who’d gone to the bathroom, I assumed, returned and sat on his lap again.
That was it. I needed to conjure the strength to get the hell out of here. I forced myself up off the couch and left. An evening that had held so much promise was instead one of the worst nights of my life.
CHAPTER 11
ATTICUS
I was cleaning up in Mimi’s room the morning after we’d gone out with our friends when her words stopped me in my tracks.
“I had a dream about your baby last night.”
I froze for a second and then gulped. “Oh yeah?” What is she talking about?
“Yes. I couldn’t tell if it was a boy or a girl, but it was the most beautiful, dark-haired baby that looked just like Nicole.”
“Lucky kid,” I murmured, a hollow feeling in my chest. That baby was not likely to ever exist. Then a flash of panic hit. What if Mimi’s dream was a premonition about another baby? What if Nicole was pregnant? It certainly wouldn’t be mine.
After a moment, relief washed over me as I remembered she had her period. Thank fuck.
“The last time I asked you guys about children, you both went quiet,” Mimi said. “I’m sorry if I overstepped. But is there something you’re not telling me?”
My heart pounded. Something we’re not telling you, Mimi? Why ever would you think that? I cleared my throat. “Like what, Mimi?”
“Are you two having trouble in that area?”
I stalled. “What kind of trouble?”
“Trouble conceiving.”
I hated lying to her. Yes, this entire façade was a lie, but when she asked me direct questions, it somehow felt worse than just being here and taking care of her under the guise of still being married.
“No, there’s no trouble there,” I assured her. “It just hasn’t happened for us.”
“Did I upset her when I asked about it the other day?”
“Not that I know of.”
“Does she say she’s not ready to be a mother?”
My chest felt tight. “I just…don’t think it’s the right time yet. Nicole will make a great mother someday, though. There’s no doubt about that.”
It hurt to think I wouldn’t be the one to experience that with her. It hurt even more to think I’d wasted some of her best years and could be to blame if it didn’t happen for her. That thought wrecked me like no other.
“Okay.” Mimi sighed. “I guess I’m a little old fashioned. In my day, when you were over thirty, you had to worry about being too old. But in this day and age, with all the medical advances, I guess that’s not something people are concerned with anymore.”
“Nicole is thirty-one. She still has plenty of time.”
Plenty of time to have a family with someone else. Guilt morphed into sadness.
Mimi stared into my eyes for a few seconds. “Are you okay, Atticus?”
Feeling like the biggest fraud in the world, I felt my cheeks heat. “Sure, why?”
“You look upset.”
I would’ve given anything to get Mimi’s take on our situation, to tell her everything and get her honest advice about whether she thought I had a chance in hell of ever getting her granddaughter back. But I couldn’t.
“No, Mimi. I’m fine,” I lied. You just reminded me of something I try hard not to think about. Something that eats away at my soul every time I allow in the thoughts of what never will be.
“What are you guys talking about?” Nicole asked as she entered the room.
“Nothing. Just life,” I answered, praying that Mimi dropped the subject. “You need help in the kitchen?”
“No. I have it covered.”
“She told me to stay out of the kitchen, Mimi. I think she’s up to something. What are you making in there anyway?”
She winked. “You’ll find out.”
I wished she wouldn’t wink at me like that, because it made me want to kiss her senseless. It wasn’t my imagination that Nicole had been softening to me lately. We’d had a moment in bed last night after she’d mentioned reading my email. I hadn’t been able to resist kissing her on the forehead. And she hadn’t pushed me away. Not only that, she’d slept close to me. For one night I’d had my wife back, even if it was just in my head. And now the wink. I had to warn myself not to read into it.
“Well…” I sighed. “By the time I get back, maybe you’ll be ready to tell me.”
Nicole’s smile faded as she followed me out into the hallway. “Where are you going?”
I hated the pleasure I felt when she seemed disappointed that I was leaving. It was the opposite of the permanent ache I carried in my chest every second of every day that we’d been apart.
“I’m going to get weed for your grandmother.”
Her eyes went wide. “Are you serious?”
“Dead serious. This is a thing now. She said it helped her, and a friend of mine works at the dispensary. He’s gonna hook me up.”
Nicole looked apprehensive. “Why not get gummies this time?” she suggested.
“I read that smoking is actually more effective for pain.”
“Can you pick up some wine while you’re out?”
“Any particular kind?”
She wriggled her brows. “Surprise me.”
I smiled. Surprise me. That was something she’d always said when we were together. I’d loved surprising her with a hell of a lot more than just wine. And there she was being playful with me again. Definitely not my imagination.
Later, after I returned with the weed and wine, I realized why Nicole had wanted me out of the kitchen. The aroma had given it away. Her white chicken chili—and the only thing she ever cooked—was fantastic.
I leaned over to see inside the pot. “This is for me?”
She dug her elbow into my side. “Who else?”
“Wow. Thank you.”
“Well, you’ve given up your life for two weeks to be here. It’s the least I can do.”
I wanted to tell her I had no life without her, that there was no place I’d rather be than this little house with her, that I’d give everything up in a second to do life with her again.
But instead, I said, “This wasn’t necessary. But I appreciate it.”
We brought the pot of chili and some bowls into Mimi’s room and enjoyed a quiet dinner.
Afterward, I helped adjust Mimi forward so she could smoke her joint. Unfortunately, when we tried to have her sit up in a chair a little while later, her pain hadn’t subsided. Ronan’s success seemed to be a fluke.
After Nicole and I helped Mimi back into bed and left her to sleep, I lifted a spare joint from my pocket.
“What’s that?” she asked as we walked back to the kitchen.
“It’s for us. Let’s go out back and smoke it.”
She shook her head. “I don’t know.”
“Come on, Nicole. Everyone’s doing it,” I teased. “Even your ninety-three-year-old grandmother.”
“Not a good idea. I need my inhibitions around you. And I have to be careful.”
That comment pleased me. I loved the thought of her losing her inhibitions. Even better? Maybe she’d magically lose her memory of the bad stuff.
“You had four drinks when we went out and managed to survive. This is safer than alcohol. It will just relax you. You won’t lose your mind.”
“Okay…” She exhaled. “I suppose sharing one joint won’t kill me.”
We went outside to the yard and sat across from each other in the two Adirondack chairs. It was a cool night, and when I noticed her shivering, I took off my hoodie and placed it over her shoulders.
“Thank you.” She wrapped it around herself.
I lit the joint, and we began passing it back and forth. It was quiet aside from the sound of crickets. After a few hits, Nicole seemed to relax into her chair. I was happy that she was letting her guard down.
“The other night…” she said. “I was telling Emily about how we met. I hadn’t allowed my mind to go back to those days in a very long time.”
I blew out some smoke before passing the joint to her. “It’s funny you say that because I did the same recently…with my therapist.”
“Really?” She took a puff and handed it back to me.
“Yeah. The first thing I thought of was sixteen-year-old you on the nasty couch in Cassius’s basement, watching us jam. That’s the first memory I have of you. I’ll never forget the first time I saw you. I thought you were the most beautiful girl in the world.” I glanced over at her. “Still do.”
She took one last hit, then passed it to me. “Well, you never would’ve pursued me in the first place if I hadn’t freaked out when you brought a girl to the basement. I was so damn jealous. Do you remember what I did?”
“How could I forget? That was the best night of my life up to that point. It was so damn sexy that you made the first move.”
She shrugged. “I couldn’t help it.”
“I can’t believe I never saw it coming, never knew you had the same kind of feelings for me that I’d had for you.”
“Well, you were blind, then, apparently.”
“Maybe,” I said. “But I’m glad you took your shot with me.”
Her smile faded. “Are you? We could’ve avoided a lot of unnecessary pain if I’d never said a damn thing.”
I felt an ache in my chest at the thought of never having gotten to love her. “That’s where you’re wrong. I don’t regret any of it. Not for a second. I’m just sorry for how it ended.”
“Yeah, me too,” she whispered. She looked up at the sky before abruptly changing the subject. “What’s the next adventure for Delirious Jones?”
“We start recording again soon. Then we have a tour early next year.”
“I’m surprised you haven’t practiced the entire time you’ve been here. You almost never go this long without your drums. They’re a part of you.”
“It’s funny you mention that. I actually have someone delivering a set tomorrow. Just a rental.”
“Where are you gonna put them?”
“Have you been in the garage? It’s pretty empty.”
“I haven’t. I just assumed she was using it for storage.”
“Me, too. But there’s next to nothing in there. It’s perfect and far enough away from the main house that hopefully I won’t be too loud. I figured I could go out there in the evenings before Mimi goes to sleep and get some beats in.”
Nicole stared at me intently, and I loved it. “What’s up?” I asked.
“Your hair’s getting long.”
I ran my hand through my mane. “Yeah. I guess it is.”
“I brought my shears with me.”
“For a reason other than stabbing me in my sleep?”
“Believe it or not, yes. I brought them to trim Mimi’s hair.”
“Ah.”
“Want me to do you really quick before bed?”
God, do I ever want you to do me really quick before bed, woman. “Yeah. That would be awesome. You’re not gonna hack all my hair off while stoned, are you?”
“No. I’m not that high off half a joint.”
“Okay, then.”
She stood. “Let’s go.”
Her ass looked so damn good as I followed her inside. Not sure if it was that little bit of weed or what, but I was damn horny right now. Even more so than usual.
I pulled out one of the kitchen chairs and waited as Nicole went to get the black pouch she kept her hair supplies in. This felt like old times. I couldn’t count the number of times she’d cut my hair over the years.
Nicole sprayed my hair down and began trimming the ends in the meticulous way she always did, grasping piece by piece between her delicate fingers with a snip-snip here and a snip-snip there; somehow it always came out like magic. Not only had I lost a wife a few years back but also the best damn hairdresser I’d ever had. What I’d missed most about this, though, was now also my current torture. I closed my eyes so as not to have her tits in my face while she trimmed my bangs. They were at eye-level. The way her warm body grazed mine as she moved around the chair made my temperature rise. And that damn Egyptian musk she wore drove me crazy. Fuck, what I wouldn’t give for just one more night with this woman. How many times had she done this very thing for me—cut my hair, teasing me with her body—before I ended up carrying her away and making love to her, loose hairs and all still fucking stuck to the back of my neck. Sometimes I wouldn’t even make it out of the chair. I’d just pull her on top and let her ride me.
A small mirror suddenly appeared in front of my face, snapping me out of my salacious thoughts.
“You like it?” she asked.
I ran my fingers across the top of my head. “Amazing as ever. No one cuts my hair like you.”
There’s no one like you.
Never was, never will be.
“You should be good for a couple of months.”
I didn’t want to consider where I’d be two months from now. Because she wouldn’t be there.
There was a knock at the door, and both of us turned our heads. It was just after eight-thirty PM.
My brows drew in. “Are you expecting someone?”
She shook her head. “No.”
Unfortunately, there was no peephole. And after I opened the door, I wished I hadn’t. Because standing in front of me was the closest thing I’d had to a girlfriend since Nicole and I broke up. “Riley, what are you doing here?”
CHAPTER 12
ATTICUS
Riley shot me a look. “I should be asking you the same question.”
Nicole stood behind me quietly, and all I could think about was protecting her feelings. That meant getting Riley the fuck out of here.
“Let’s step outside, please,” I told Riley, leading her down the block where there was no way Mimi or Nicole would overhear.
