The Drummer's Heart, page 13
ATTICUS
The next morning, Nicole got up before I did, so I didn’t have a chance to make her coffee. I’d overslept because I hadn’t fallen asleep until around four AM after tossing and turning on the floor.
She stood at the counter buttering toast, and I came up behind her. She flinched as she became aware of me.
I spoke low into her ear. “I’m sorry I lost control last night. It won’t happen again.” But even as I said it, I found myself turned on as my chest grazed her back. I knew my promise was a lie.
She turned around to meet my gaze. “I’m sorry I made you sleep on the floor.”
“What did I tell you before about apologizing to me? You owe me nothing. Certainly no apologies for reacting to my bad behavior.” I shrugged. “Anyway, my sleeping on the floor was probably a good idea.”
I reached for a mug and poured myself some coffee. “I’ll be gone for an hour.”
She stopped mid-bite. “Where are you off to?”
“I have my therapy session at noon. I wasn’t expecting to oversleep.”
“Oh, that’s right.” She licked the corner of her mouth. “I guess you can always count on me for new material, right?”
“Yeah.” I chuckled. She was definitely the star of my therapy sessions. I took a sip of my coffee and lowered my voice. “Later we should talk about when we’re gonna tell Mimi about Louise.”
She cringed. “We do have to tell her.”
I usually hated therapy, but I’d take a session with Dr. Jensen any day over having to tell Mimi that her caretaker had passed away. That wasn’t gonna be fun, and I dreaded it.
I downed my coffee and found my laptop before walking out to my car. After logging in to the chat portal, I waited for Dr. Jensen to appear on the screen.
She finally popped up and smiled. “Atticus. How have things been going in New Jersey?”
The first thing that came to mind was last night. “I fucked up.”
Dr. Jensen tilted her head. “What do you mean by that?”
“I crossed the line with Nicole.”
She drew in her brows. “What did you do?”
“I came on to her physically.”
“How did she react?”
I smiled slightly. “She seemed turned on, to be honest, but also uncomfortable with her reaction. Ultimately, she pushed back and told me to sleep on the floor. So that’s what I did, tossing and turning all night. Served me right.”
“What do you think caused you to act in such a way?”
“I’d gone to New York for the day, and I really missed her. Then we found out Mimi’s caretaker passed away. It was an emotional day. I guess it fucked me up a little, made me feel like I needed that physical contact.”
Her eyes widened. “Her grandmother’s caretaker died?”
“Sorry. Yeah.” I sighed. “What a shock. She had a heart attack while on vacation, and we need to find a way to tell Mimi. It’s gonna suck so bad.” I exhaled. “It looks like I’m going to be here longer than I originally thought.”
“Well, that’s horrible. I’m so sorry to hear that.”
“The messed-up thing is… I’m sort of happy about it.” I raised my palms. “I mean, not that Louise died, of course—didn’t mean to imply that. Just happy that I have a little bit of extra time here with Nicole. I feel like, at the very least, we’re working our way back to a friendship, even if she’ll never consider more than that with me again.”
She jotted something down. “You keep talking about your relationship as if it’s completely unsalvageable. From what you tell me, it seems like the two of you still have a lot of unresolved feelings for each other. So I’m surprised you don’t seem to have any hope.”
I rubbed my eyes. “It’s complicated.”
“I know we haven’t delved into what happened between the two of you. I haven’t wanted to push you into reliving what was clearly a trauma until you’re ready. But I do think we need to go back a little today and continue your backstory with her.”
I swallowed. “Okay.”
“Let’s talk about the time when Delirious Jones started hitting it big. You said that was when your relationship with Nicole began to deteriorate…”
“Yeah.” I sucked in a breath and repositioned myself in the seat. “A couple of our songs went viral, and suddenly everyone was listening to our other stuff, too. We just blew up overnight. Or at least, it felt that way. Our manager set up our first multi-city tour soon thereafter, and everything started happening really fast.”
“What stage of your marriage were you in at the time?”
“Nicole and I had been married for about five years. We were living in Brooklyn at the time. Tristan and Ronan lived in New York back then, too, so we were all there. Nicole had built a big clientele in the city with her hairstyling. She’d been making all the money while I was a struggling musician.”
She nodded. “So that part changed almost overnight, too.”
“Right. I was suddenly making more money than we’d ever dreamed of. But Nicole loved her job and was taking steps to open her own salon. I didn’t want her to give up her dream just because mine was coming to fruition. When I had to go on tour for the first time, she stayed behind to continue working. I thought that was the right decision because she would’ve lost everything if she’d dropped it all to come on the road with me. Back then, the tour amenities weren’t what they are now, either. We mainly stayed on the bus—no hotels the break things up. It wouldn’t have been comfortable for her. I didn’t want her to give up her life to sleep in a bunk for months.”
“So she stayed back, and you went on your first adventure…”
I nodded. “Yeah, and it was harder than I ever imagined. The distance really tested us.”
“Were you loyal?”
I narrowed my eyes. “Yes. I’ve never cheated on Nicole.”
“Okay…” She paused. “So tell me more about why it was hard.”
“We argued a lot. Just about the future. What was best for us…”
“She didn’t want you to continue your music career?”
I shook my head. “No, that wasn’t the issue. It was more like…she started expressing concern about whether us being married was the right thing, in light of my new life. She never discouraged my career, just the opposite. She’s always been my biggest cheerleader. But her doubts about us wrecked me. I’d get off the phone with her and my performance would be shitty. Or at least what I considered shitty. Our fans don’t tend to notice the difference. I was ready to quit, though. But Nicole wouldn’t let me. She kept saying how hard I’d worked to get where I was.”
“How long was the tour?”
“Only a few months, but she knew it wouldn’t end there. She knew my life would never be the same, that our lives as we knew them had changed. She pushed me away slowly—until one day she admitted that she didn’t think she could do it. She didn’t think she could be a rockstar’s wife.” I shut my eyes.
“So she asked for the divorce?”
I nodded. “I would’ve left the band if it came down to a choice between Nicole or my career. But again, she refused to let me give it up. Refused to give me a choice. She sent the message loud and clear by filing the papers.”
“That must have been quite a shock. Where were you when you got them?”
“It was right after the tour. She waited until I got home. I think she truly believed it was best for me not to have the pressure of a marriage. Maybe she felt like we’d made a rash decision when we eloped and I might’ve chosen differently if I’d known what was gonna happen with the band.”
“Is that true?”
“Fuck no. But maybe she would’ve chosen differently.” I leaned my head back on the seat. “I didn’t understand how she could give up on us. Her filing put me in a really bad place. But even then, I knew it was about more than just me. Nicole has trust issues.”
“In what way?”
“Her father. He cheated on her mother, had a long-term girlfriend no one knew about. That really messed with Nicole’s head. She found out when she was twenty-two, shortly after we got married. So the emotional wounds were still fresh. Deep down, I know her decision had to do with her father, even if she never wanted to talk about it.”
Dr. Jensen nodded. “So it was maybe partly trauma from her past and partly that she felt like she was holding your career back by staying married to you?”
I nodded. “But no matter the reasoning, she was wrong to ever think I was better off without her. I’ve proven that in the years since. I’m all kinds of fucked up now, and I’m unhappy every day that we’re apart.” My head was starting to hurt.
“What happened after the divorce papers were filed?”
“Everything went down so damn fast at that point. I kept trying to convince her to give us another chance, but she insisted it was best for us to not be married anymore. She refused any money from me, and we didn’t own much together at that point, so there wasn’t much holding up the process. Everything moved faster than I wanted.”
“You signed the papers?”
“What choice did I have? I didn’t want to force her to be married to me if my life wasn’t what she’d signed up for.” I closed my eyes for a moment as I resisted the pain of one of my worst memories. “The night the divorce was finalized was the first time I ever went off the deep end. I drank so much I blacked out.” I blew out a long breath as shame washed over me. “About a week later, though, I got this clarity that the divorce was just a bunch of papers that had been born of her panicking. I didn’t give a shit whether we were legally married or not. She was all that mattered to me. And I thought maybe the divorce was enough to take some of the pressure off. I wondered if I could still make things work with her without the pressure of having to maintain the perfect marriage.”
Dr. Jensen tapped her pen against her chin. “Interesting that you went from rock bottom to hopeful again, even though nothing had changed.”
“Well, there’s nowhere but up to go from rock bottom. So, yeah, I decided to not give up on us. She meant too much to me to just throw away everything we’d built. But I did it quietly. Nicole used to tell me not to share my dreams, that no one could dissuade me if I kept them to myself. So that’s what I did. I didn’t tell her I was hanging on to hope. I didn’t tell anyone. I just chose to believe that everything would work out, that somehow the universe would bring her back to me.”
“Based on the current situation, I assume that never happened?”
“Not exactly. It almost happened. I moved out to L.A. after the divorce, but we talked a lot on the phone, many times late at night East Coast time. We were still in each other’s lives, slowly finding our way back to one another. It was like we were falling in love all over again—this time without the pressure of a marriage or a label.” My eyes followed a cat walking across the street. “Our conversations ran pretty deep during those calls. She admitted that she was freaked out by my sudden fame. But more than anything, she admitted that she still loved me. And I think my resilience when it came to us after the divorce helped her see how much I loved her. She told me she’d consider moving out to L.A. and building a clientele there. She had a friend who was gonna hook her up at their salon. Life was all of a sudden good again. But it didn’t last long.” I looked back at the screen. “Then my world turned upside down.”
“What happened?”
I looked over at my phone. There wasn’t much time left. No way I was gonna go there today. “You usually stop us by now. Session is about to end.”
“We can go a little longer today.”
Of course this would be the one time she would say that. But I wasn’t ready. “No.” I shook my head. “I need a breather.”
Dr. Jensen nodded and closed her notebook. “Next time, then.”
CHAPTER 18
ATTICUS
Today had been a day.
My mind wandered as I drove to my sister’s house that evening, mentally reviewing everything that had happened since I woke up late.
After my therapy session, Nicole and I had decided to bite the bullet and tell Mimi about Louise’s death. As expected, she took it really hard, cried for a while, and kept saying how unfair it was, that God should’ve taken her instead.
It was heartbreaking. But in the end, I was glad we’d been honest. It might’ve been tougher lying about why Louise was suddenly gone or trying to justify why someone Mimi loved and trusted had seemingly chosen not to come back.
I pulled up in front of Tina’s. She’d invited me to dinner because all three kids would be home. When she called, I’d initially told her I didn’t want to leave Nicole and Mimi. But Nicole had overheard my conversation and encouraged me to go, pointing out that there were few nights where my niece and nephews were all in one place. Mimi had fallen asleep by early evening, so in the end, I decided to go to Tina’s after all.
My nephew Kyle began busting my balls the second I walked in.
“So, someone has to literally die for you to stay in Monksville long enough to see us, Uncle Atty?”
Tina slapped her son on the arm. “Kyle…”
I shook my head. “You know if you really needed me, I’d drop everything and come back to New Jersey, right?”
“Well, that’s sort of what you’re doing for Nicole,” my sister added.
My niece, Kenzie, gave me a hug. “Did Nicole tell you I stopped by?”
“Yeah. She said you guys had a nice talk.”
“We did.” She smiled.
“Good.”
“How’s Emily?” Kieran asked. He knew Tristan’s fiancée from the tour.
“Wouldn’t you love to know…” I taunted.
Kieran asking about her was a running joke. “How’s Emily?” was always the first thing he said to me. I liked to tease him about his little crush on Tristan’s fiancée. They’d even gone out to dinner once, but nothing ever came of it, because unbeknownst to him, Emily had already been obsessed with Tristan.
As we sat down to dinner, I grilled Kieran about his new job. “What’s the latest with that TV gig? What are you doing there again?”
“I’m working in the control room at a cable station here in New Jersey,” he told me. “I’m liking it. Most especially I like the cute morning news anchor I’ve gone out with twice now.” He winked.
“Nice.”
“Yeah. Only problem is, she’s looking for other jobs in bigger markets, so I don’t know how long she’ll be here.”
“Well, not like you have too much going on. You could always move and find a similar job somewhere else, couldn’t you?”
Tina glared at me. “Don’t encourage that, please. I don’t need my son following some girl around the country.”
“Sorry. But he needs to do what he needs to do. Spread his wings.” I reached for a roll. “Although, I have to admit, there’s no place like home. It’s just that sometimes you have to leave home to figure that out.”
Kyle put his hand on his mother’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, Mom. You’ll still have me when the other two are gone.”
Kyle had one aspiration in life, and that was to become a firefighter like his dad. He wanted nothing more than to do that right here in Monksville and had pretty much been guaranteed a position. The current fire chief had been a good friend of Brian’s. He was just waiting for Kyle to finish the appropriate training.
I grinned. “Dude, I can’t wait to see you in that uniform. Your dad would be so damn proud.”
“Thanks, Unc.”
I turned to my niece. “What about you, princess? Tell me what’s new.”
“Just weddings up the wazoo.”
“I know you’re not too happy about that.”
“I’m not. I feel like my creativity is stifled. But the weddings pay the bills.”
I smiled at Kenzie, though I knew Tina wasn’t thrilled about this. “Do you think you’d want to go on tour with us…as the band photographer?”
“Get out of town.” Kenzie dropped her fork. “What are you saying?”
“Well, Layla, who’s worked for us up until now, just got married and is pregnant. She can’t travel anymore. So, we’re looking for a new photog. I asked Doug if he’d be okay if I offered you the position.”
“Oh my God.” She looked over at her mother. “Did you know about this?”
Tina nodded. “He mentioned it to me, and while I’m apprehensive, I think it would be cool for you. So I’m not gonna discourage it, even if you going on tour freaks me out a little.”
Kenzie turned to me. “This is a dream come true. When is the tour?”
“Early next year. I can send you all the dates once I confirm them with Doug. Can you swing it, though, if you’re already committed to weddings?”
“I’ll figure that out. I work under a larger company with a group of photographers, so I’m sure with enough notice they can help me get coverage.” Her eyes sparkled. “Are you serious about this, Uncle Atticus?”
“I am. The only thing is, I might have to kill someone if they mess with you. The crew can be pretty rowdy. That whole scene is nothing to play with. So you have to promise me you won’t get into trouble.”
“I survived just fine,” Kieran told her. “I’m sure you will, too.”
I took a bite of chicken. “I’ll tell Doug we talked, and I’ll have him get in touch with you.”
She nodded. “You have no idea how much this means to me.”
Her look of joy made my heart happy. I loved being able to afford my niece this kind of opportunity, though I hoped I didn’t regret it.
***
I stayed at Tina’s pretty late, chatting with the kids. When I returned to Mimi’s house, it was quiet. I peeked in on Mimi, and given the time, I assumed Nicole might also be sleeping.
When I opened the door to the bedroom, I found her in bed as expected. But she wasn’t asleep.
She turned to face me. “Hi,” she said groggily.
“Did I wake you?”
“No. I was having trouble sleeping. How was your visit?”
“It was great. I love those kids, even if they’re not really kids anymore.”
“Yeah, it’s funny to think there’s only ten years between you and the twins,” she said. “It doesn’t seem like as big of a difference as it used to, now that they’re in their twenties.”
