The Drummer's Heart, page 21
Atticus hugged him close. “That’s Nicole. You guys share Daddy’s heart.”
CHAPTER 32
ATTICUS
It was finally the last day of recording the new album, and since returning from New York, it had felt damn near impossible to reach this finish line.
Those couple of days away had been much needed, but it wasn’t enough. My time in New York had reminded me that the two people I cared most about in this world were too far from me. As long as I continued with this career, there was no easy way to put them first.
I returned to my empty house after a long day of work and imagined how much fuller my life would be if Christian had come running toward me when I got home. How amazing would it be to hear his little laugh echo through this big house? And what a dream to have Nicole to come home to, sleeping next to her every night.
I took a shower and was about to make myself something to eat when my phone rang. I recognized the number as security for my private, gated community. They called me to vet anyone trying to enter the grounds.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Mr. Marchetti. It’s Chuck at the booth. We have a woman here who claims you know her, but we don’t have record of any preapproval.”
If I had a nickel for every time some random woman found out where I lived and tried to get in by pretending to know me. I’d had to move more than once due to lack of security at my previous residences.
“Yeah, I’m not expecting anyone,” I told him.
“So sorry, sir. She claims to have the same last name as you. So that was a little suspicious.”
I froze. “What are you talking about?”
“She says her name is Nicole Marchetti.”
Nicole? “Can you put her on the phone, please?”
“Of course.”
The sound of her voice followed a few seconds later. “Hey.”
Oh my God.
“It’s really you…”
“So much for surprises. Not sure how I didn’t know I’d have to get through security.”
My heart practically leaped out of my chest. “Put him back on the phone.”
The guard returned to the line. “Yes, sir?”
“That’s my wife. Let her through, please.”
“Your…wife, sir?”
“Yes.”
“Uh. Okay. Will do.”
I’d have to explain the situation to Chuck later. I bolted for the door and waited.
Nicole parked in my circular driveway, and when she emerged from the car, I felt alive for the first time since I’d come back from New York.
“Oh my God. This is the best freaking surprise.” I took her into my arms and squeezed her tightly. “You have no idea how badly I was missing you tonight. I came home from recording to this empty house, so depressed.” I wrapped my hands around her face. “But why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”
“It was a spur-of-the-moment thing, and I wanted to surprise you. Although I botched that.”
I took her hand and led her into my house. “You couldn’t have timed it any better. I was ready to lose my mind tonight.”
Nicole’s shoes clicked against the black marble floor. This was the first time she’d ever set foot into one of my California residences. Her mouth was agape as she looked up at the crystal chandelier.
I followed her as she explored. The entryway was lined with framed platinum records, an homage to a life consumed by a career.
“Your ceilings are so…high.”
“It’s a bit much, I know. Stupid when I’m the only one who lives here.”
“It’s not stupid if you can afford it. You earned it. It’s beautiful.”
When she turned around to face me, I rubbed my thumb along her cheek. “It is now.” I’d give up all of it if it meant erasing the pain of the past and having her full trust back.
“Today was your last day of recording, right?”
“Yep.”
Her expression turned melancholy. “And you leave for the tour in a few days…”
I hung my head. “Unfortunately.”
I hated this. There was barely any time for us to enjoy each other’s company before I had to take off. But why the sadness in her eyes? Was she upset that I was leaving, or was there something more?
“Baby, talk to me. What’s going on? It’s the tour, right? You’re afraid of things going back to the way they were? I knew this was gonna happen. That’s why I’ve tried to assure you that—”
“No. That’s not it, Atticus. This is not about a lack of trust. That’s not why I’m here.”
My stomach sank. Something had compelled her to come all the way out here, and I was starting to freak out. Maybe I’d misinterpreted the reason for her trip, especially given the continued serious look on her face. A flash of panic hit. Back in New York, she’d said she needed time to work through things. Maybe she’d decided she could never accept my life. Maybe she’d come to break the news to me in person.
Moving in to cradle her face again, I looked deeply into her eyes. “I need you to tell me what’s wrong.”
“I’m not sure how to tell you…”
Dread filled me. “You need to just say it, Nicole…”
“I think I had too much seafood,” she blurted.
My eyes narrowed. “That’s code for you love me…”
“Not this time.” She stuttered, “I mean, I do love you. But that’s not what I meant.”
I drew in my brows. “I’m not following…”
Nicole unzipped her coat. Then she took my hands in hers and slipped them under her shirt and over her stomach. “The seafood part was a lie. But my stomach is upset.”
Running my hand along her stomach, I noticed it was…protruding a little. My mouth slowly opened. “What’s happening?”
“I’m pregnant, Atticus.”
Pregnant? My first instinct was to panic. “With my baby?”
“Of course it’s yours.”
“How?”
“You got me pregnant the night of Tristan’s wedding. I didn’t know until this past week. My periods have been wonky for a while, so I hadn’t questioned missing them. I’m almost four months along.”
My mouth dropped. “Four months? Is this for real?”
“It is.”
“We made a baby? Together?”
“That’s how it works.” She laughed.
“This isn’t a dream…”
She shook her head. “No.”
My hands trembled as I lifted them to her face. “Holy shit.”
“I know.”
I kissed her forehead. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah. I mean, I’ve been in shock since I took the test. Well, tests. All twelve of them.”
“This is really happening?”
“I think so. I haven’t seen a doctor yet. And I know that’s bad considering I’m already showing.”
I lowered my hands to her belly again, placing my palms against it. “My God. Look at you with my baby inside of you.”
“It’s bad timing. You’re about to go on tour and—”
“Fuck the tour! This is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
“I don’t feel ready. I don’t know anything about babies. You saw what a fish out of water I was around Christian. I don’t know what I’m doing. I might’ve killed him if you weren’t—”
“Don’t worry. You’re gonna do amazing. And I have a little experience I can share when it comes to kids. How long are you here with me?”
She shrugged. “I have no plan. I just booked a flight here as soon as I found out. I wanted to tell you in person.”
“How can I leave you like this?” I shook my head. “I can’t go. I can’t go on tour.”
“What choice do you have?”
“Come with me. Come with me on tour,” I begged. “Please.”
“I can’t do that, Atticus.”
“I don’t want you to be pregnant and alone. I want you with me, where I can take care of you when we’re not performing.”
“You think being pregnant on a rock tour is going to be a positive experience?”
That made me realize how ridiculous it was to expect that. “Okay, maybe that doesn’t make much sense. But selfishly…I want to see your belly grow. I want to experience every moment of this.” Closing my eyes, I pressed my forehead to hers. “But shit, I know it’s not ideal. I can’t force you. You have to do what feels right for you.” My skin tingled with excitement. “We should go see a doctor while you’re here.”
“I don’t think I’d be able to get an appointment that fast.”
“Doug’s wife just had a baby. I can find out who she sees. Maybe they can get us in.”
“Okay. I mean, if you think that’s doable.”
“You should have a doctor out here anyway.” Not wanting to sound presumptuous, I added, “It’ll be good for you to have a doctor on both coasts for when you’re…visiting.” I knelt and placed my cheek against her stomach. “I didn’t want to go on tour before this. But now? The last thing I want to do is leave you.” I looked up at her. “Tell me I’m not dreaming. It still feels like I’m about to wake up any second.”
She ran her fingers through my hair. “It’s real, Atticus.”
“How the hell am I gonna concentrate on my performances, knowing you’re out there with my baby inside you?”
She shrugged. “I guess we’ll find out.”
***
The following day, we were able to get an appointment at an OBGYN’s office in Beverly Hills. While I generally tried not to abuse my celebrity status, I had no problem throwing my name around to get Nicole seen before I had to leave.
After seeing the doctor, who confirmed she was, in fact, pregnant, we were taken to an ultrasound room. I’d never attended a prenatal doctor’s appointment, so this was the first time I’d see my child on a screen.
“Nicole is far enough along to determine the gender,” the tech said. “Is that something you both want?”
“Definitely not,” Nicole said at almost the same moment I said, “Yes!”
My eyes widened as we looked at each other. “You don’t want to know?”
“No, I don’t. I like the idea of being surprised for my first one. You want to know?”
“Yeah. I mean, I would love to know. But if you don’t want to, I’m good with waiting.”
“Well, let’s get started,” the woman interrupted. “And unless one of you tells me you want to know, I won’t reveal anything.”
A grainy image appeared on the screen as the tech moved the wand around Nicole’s stomach. A moment later, I saw the tiny flickering heartbeat. A little hand, the gentle curve of its head.
Emotion rushed through me as I realized everything that had happened to us in the past few years had brought us right here. To this moment. To this heartbeat. A part of Nicole and a part of me and the personification of our love. I’d been given a second lease on life. I just hoped Nicole felt the same. I squeezed her hand. “That’s our baby.”
She whispered, “I can’t believe it.”
The tech confirmed that Nicole was indeed past her first trimester and printed us out some pictures. I could’ve stayed in this room watching our child all day.
Exiting the ultrasound room, I felt like I was walking on air. Yet today was also a bittersweet reminder of the work I still had to do rebuilding Nicole’s trust. That mattered now more than ever. Our child’s life depended on it.
As we left the building, I wrapped my arm around her. “Let’s get ice cream.”
She laughed. “That’s random.”
“We should celebrate.”
“Okay. I’m not gonna refuse. Ice cream sounds really good.”
I took Nicole to a little ice cream place off the beaten path about thirty minutes outside L.A. No one recognized me, which was freaking glorious.
She and I took our cones out to a bench under a tree. There was a warm breeze. It still felt like I could wake up at any moment and realize this was all a dream. She glided her tongue along the side of her cone and moaned as if eating it rivaled the best sex of her life. I chuckled.
“Why are you not eating?” she asked.
My cone was basically just sitting in my hand, melting. “Sorry. I was busy watching you.”
“Watching the hungry pregnant lady eat ice cream is a spectacle?”
“A blessing is what it is.” I finally took a bite of my cone. “Tell me how you’re feeling right now—besides ravenous.”
Nicole licked ice cream off the corner of her mouth. “I’m happy, but also overwhelmed.”
“I can sense the latter. Don’t forget I know you. While I want you to be as happy as I am right now, I’m not naïve enough to think everything that we’ve been working through is just magically fixed because you’re pregnant. In many ways, I’m more scared than ever to lose you now.”
“Why?”
“I’d never want you to feel stuck with me.”
She nodded, but stayed silent, taking another bite of her cone before she finally spoke. “When I imagined having kids, I never saw myself raising them alone while their dad was on the road much of the year.”
I nodded. “I’ve felt guilty not being the type of father Christian deserves, and now that guilt is about to double. Maybe I need to reassess my priorities.”
“There’s no perfect situation here. If you leave your career, I’ll be the one feeling guilty. I don’t think that’s the answer. But you know what?”
“What?”
“You’re this baby’s daddy, Atticus. Nothing will change that, no matter what you’re doing with your career or otherwise.”
I smiled, but her support didn’t change the truth. “I have some decisions to make. Christian is still young enough that I can change the trajectory of his memories of me. And he’s about to have a sibling. Our baby needs me. Both my kids need me.”
In the midst of my mini panic attack, Nicole’s phone rang. She held one finger up as she answered. Within a few seconds, her face changed. She covered her mouth.
What’s happening?
“Oh my God,” she murmured. Then she started to cry.
Fuck. Did they find something wrong with the baby after the fact on the ultrasound? “What’s wrong?” I pleaded.
She looked white as a ghost. “Mimi died.”
CHAPTER 33
NICOLE
Delirious Jones canceled the first three shows of their tour so Atticus could accompany me to New Jersey. They rescheduled those cities on the back end.
I’d told Atticus he didn’t have to come for Mimi’s services, but he wouldn’t hear of it. He insisted that there was nothing more important than being there for me, and he’d indeed stood by my side throughout Mimi’s wake and funeral.
My mother, who’d flown in from Florida, was understandably surprised to see Atticus with me. She knew he’d come to stay with me and Mimi here, but I hadn’t told her he and I had remained in touch since then. And I’d also told her nothing about the pregnancy because I only knew myself right before I flew out to California, and I’d wanted Atticus to be the first one I told.
After a whirlwind three days, it was now the morning after the funeral, and Atticus, my mother, and I were cleaning out Mimi’s little house, getting it ready to put on the market. Mom was eager to get as much done as possible while she was still in town. She said she needed my opinion on what I wanted to keep versus what should be donated.
Atticus was out getting coffee when my mother accosted me in Mimi’s kitchen. “So what’s the deal with Atticus?” she asked. “You two seemed very affectionate at the service.”
“What do you mean?” My cheeks burned.
“What do I mean? He had his hand on your back. I saw him kiss you multiple times on the top of your head...”
It had been a long few days, and I didn’t feel like explaining everything right now. But this was likely the last time I’d see my mother for a while. I needed to tell her about the pregnancy. My loose black dress had done its job not giving anything away, but might as well just rip the Band-Aid off.
“I’m pregnant,” I blurted.
My mother jumped back a little. “What?”
Unfortunately, Atticus walked in with our coffees at that very moment. Horrible timing.
“I got some donuts, too, if you—” He paused, likely sensing tension in the air.
“I just told my mother about the baby.”
“Oh.” He put the tray of coffees down. “Should I leave so you can talk?”
My mother held out her hand. “No, you need to stay, Atticus. I’m assuming you’re the father?”
He turned to me. “You haven’t gotten very far in the conversation, I take it.”
“He is, Mom.”
She placed her hand on her chest. “When did this happen?”
“Atticus and I have stayed in touch since we visited Mimi, and we…reconnected when I went out to California for that wedding.”
My mother turned to him. “I wanted better for her than to get back with you.”
My stomach sank. That wasn’t fair. Atticus looked like she’d just stabbed him in the heart. “Mom…” I scolded.
After a brief moment of shock, he straightened. I recognized the fighting look in his eyes. He wouldn’t back down easily. Atticus looked over at me. “It’s okay, baby. I can take it.” He turned to my mother. “I get why you’re apprehensive, Maria. But I’ll earn your trust back.”
“Do you know how long it took her to get over what happened with you? What she deserves after all that is a fresh start. But obviously, with a child in the picture—or I should say another child for you—that won’t be happening.”
My mother’s reaction was harsher than I’d expected. She was even more scarred by what happened to me, and likely how it related to her past with my father, than I’d realized.
“Your daughter and I have been through a lot, but I think even you can agree there’s never been a doubt about how much I love her,” Atticus said calmly. “This baby is a blessing, and I hope you’ll see it that way eventually. But I never want Nicole to feel stuck with me, and I’ve expressed that to her. While I will always be here for this child, I only want her to give me her heart if that’s what she truly wants for herself. She will always have a choice.”
