The Drummer's Heart, page 23
Nicole and I had split before my first major tour.
She got a funny look on her face.
“What?”
“I actually have seen you perform in a larger venue…”
I squinted. “What are you talking about?”
Nicole looked away. “I was never gonna admit this…” She paused. “But a couple years back, I bought a ticket to see you guys. I went to one of your shows here in Philly, actually.”
“You did?” My chest constricted. “How the hell did I not know this?”
“The seats were horrible.” She chuckled.
“Well, I certainly could’ve done better if you’d just told me.”
She shook her head. “It was a last-minute decision. We weren’t exactly talking. As sad as I was, I missed you so damn much. I just wanted to be near you for one night, to be in the same slice of the world for a couple of hours—without you knowing, of course.” Her voice shook. “I was with Julian at the time. I lied and told him I was going on a girls’ weekend with some friends. I drove to Philly by myself, stayed in a hotel, waited in line with my shitty ticket, and sat in the nosebleeds.”
“Jesus. It fucking breaks my heart that you were in the audience, and I didn’t know you were there.”
“That was the point, though. And it’s probably better that you didn’t. It would’ve affected your performance.”
“Absolutely, it would’ve. Especially back then.” I exhaled. “But I can guarantee that while you were up in the nosebleeds, I was thinking of you. Because I’ve never played a song when you haven’t crossed my mind at some point. Even when I was most hurt over us, nothing ignited the passion inside of me like you. At my best and at my worst, I play for you. Just like those days in the basement when you watching from that couch made me feel like the king of the world.”
She threaded her fingers through my hair. “Well, now you know my little secret.”
I buried my head in the crook of her neck, taking in a long, slow breath. Knowing this woman was pregnant with my baby made me absolutely feral for her.
I tugged at her shirt. “Can you take this off? I want to see you.”
She slipped the shirt over her head. Tossing it aside, she unsnapped her bra, displaying her gorgeous breasts. Her nipples were three shades darker than the last time I’d seen them.
I ran my tongue over my bottom lip. “These nipples…”
“I know. They’re huge and darker.”
“I love it.” I circled my fingers over one of them before tracing the line on the skin of her stomach. “Look at you with this baby inside of you. I’ve never seen you so beautiful, and I still can’t believe this is real. I’ll never deserve this.” I ran my tongue along her nipple, then kissed down to her stomach. “This is why I needed to leave the tour. Look at everything I was missing.”
“Well, now you don’t have to leave.” She massaged my scalp.
I looked up at her. “What changed? I know it wasn’t just the chemicals in the salon…”
Nicole sat up on her elbows. “I’m fortunate that I have a job I can always go back to, clients who have stuck with me through the years. It hit me that I’ll never get this time with you again. I have no way of knowing whether this is the only pregnancy I’ll have. We’re not guaranteed anything in life. I just felt like I needed to come. Wanted to. And that means putting aside my fears about tour life.” She grinned. “I never imagined you were on your way to me.”
I rested my head on her chest and placed my hand on her stomach.
“Oh my God.” She jumped.
“What?” I lifted my head, afraid I’d hurt her.
“I think I felt our baby move.”
“Really?”
“It’s too early for you to see it move, I think. But I definitely felt something.”
“Our kid is happy we’re finally together, maybe?”
She giggled. “He just did it again. Your baby likes to kick.”
I rubbed my hand over her skin. “Maybe he’s drumming…”
CHAPTER 35
NICOLE
A couple of days later, when everyone went down to the arena for a sound check before the show, I let Atticus know I’d be heading back to the bus to take a nap. Being pregnant made me tired.
The bus was empty when I got there. It was probably the only time I’d ever been on it all by myself. I was just about to get under the covers in the back bedroom when I realized the door was still open a crack. But after I got up to lock it, I heard voices.
There was a peephole on the bedroom door, which I’d always found odd, but it was very convenient at the moment. I peeked through, and my pulse calmed when I realized it was Ronan.
His back was to me. “I only have a few minutes,” he said to someone—I couldn’t see who. “I told them I needed a break and I’d be right back.”
“You lied and came to find me? Sounds pretty desperate,” a female voice replied.
“I am desperate for you. You’re right.”
Then came the sound of lips smacking.
“Are you sure no one is coming back here?” she asked.
“Everyone is down at the sound check,” he said. “The coast is clear.”
Great. He’d brought a groupie here with him? I’d been lucky enough to make it through the tour thus far without walking into anything of that sort. Oh well. It was good while it lasted. I was just about to give them privacy and go to bed when Ronan shifted, allowing me a clear view of who he was talking to.
It was no groupie. It was Kenzie.
Kenzie.
“This is still risky,” she said.
He wrapped his arms around her. “I know. But I miss you, and I don’t have a lot of opportunities to be with you alone.”
Then they were kissing.
Holy shit.
Kenzie and Ronan.
Atticus’s niece and Ronan.
How long has this been going on?
She sighed. “It’s really frustrating that we have to hide like this.”
“I told you, I’m perfectly happy to tell him and deal with the aftermath,” Ronan said.
“And have him beat the crap out of you while you’re on tour? We can’t let that happen. It has to be after everything is over.”
My mouth dropped open.
“This is ridiculous,” he said. “We’re both fucking adults. We shouldn’t have to sneak around.”
“I know. But he doesn’t see me that way because I’m like his kid.”
“He’s got enough kids at the moment.”
She gasped. “That was bad.”
“I know. Look, I love the guy like a brother. And I’m scared shitless of him finding out, too. But I love you more, and I don’t want to have to hide it.”
Love?
“It’s just a few months,” she insisted. “Trust me, he’s going to need time to process. That can’t happen in the middle of a tour.”
Ronan sighed. “You’re right.”
“I know I am.”
After a few minutes, she left first, and he followed shortly after.
Their stolen moment was over, but my jaw remained on the floor. I lay down in bed, but I didn’t feel so sleepy now. How the hell was I supposed to keep this from Atticus?
***
A half hour after Kenzie and Ronan left, I heard footsteps on the bus again.
I went over to the peephole and immediately opened when I saw who it was.
“What are you doing here?” I opened my arms and ran to Emily.
She reached out to hug me. “I came to surprise Tristan.” She stepped back to look at me. “Oh my gosh, you’re showing already.”
“I am…just a little.” I rubbed my belly. “It’s good to see you. I’ve been feeling out of place being the only wife here.”
Seems I was now following Atticus’s lead and referring to myself as his wife again.
She spoke low. “Can I tell you a secret?”
“Of course.”
“Tristan and I haven’t told anyone yet, but we’re gonna be joining you guys soon.”
My eyes went wide. “You’re pregnant, too?”
“I am.”
“I’m so thrilled for you!” I reached out to hug her again.
She spoke into my hair. “I’m happy to have someone to talk to about baby stuff.”
“How far along?”
“Two months. We’re not gonna tell anyone until I hit the three-month mark. No one else knows. He hasn’t told the guys. But I had to tell you.”
I squeezed her hand, and we sank into a couple of seats. “I’m only a couple of months ahead of you. I don’t know what I’m doing, but I’ll pass down everything I learn as I go along.”
“Believe me, I appreciate that.”
“Are you staying for the whole tour?”
“I wish. I took a week off from work, but then I have to go back. What about you? How long are you here?”
“I took a leave of absence. So, for now, indefinitely.”
“That’s huge!”
“I’ve always put my career first. But Atticus dropped everything when he came to help me with Mimi. I owe him this experience. I knew he didn’t want to be apart from me right now, and I don’t want to be apart from him, either.” I shrugged. “I followed my heart for once.”
She nodded. “That’s amazing. But how are you handling it? I know from experience that it’s not easy being in this environment. It’s hard to see women throw themselves at the guys constantly during the shows and then stalk them after.”
I lay back in the seat and kicked my feet up. “It’s not fun, but strangely? It’s easier than I thought—nothing I didn’t anticipate or anything. I think I’d blown it so far out of proportion in my mind that the reality isn’t as bad. I let fear ruin the best thing I ever had, Emily. I can’t do that again. At some point, I have to trust what I know and stop letting fear dictate my life.”
“Well, I’m proud of you. You’re being very mature.” She chuckled. “I still want to scratch a bitch’s eyes out most days.”
I laughed. “Don’t get me wrong, I don’t love that part of being here. But I can’t allow it to get inside my head, you know? It’s ruined too much of my life already.”
The bus door opened, and Kenzie popped in.
Back so soon?
When she saw us, she put her camera down and came over. “Emily! I didn’t know you were coming.”
They hugged as I fidgeted awkwardly, trying to seem like I didn’t know a huge secret.
“No one else knows I’m here yet,” Emily told her. “I came to surprise my husband, but he’s apparently still at the sound check. How’s the tour photography going?”
Kenzie sat. “I absolutely love it. The tour has barely started, and it’s already the best experience of my life.”
I bet.
She turned to me. “And having Nicole here now has made it even better.”
“Are you kidding? She has no time for me.” I winked. “Every time I turn around, she’s snapping away. I hardly have a chance to talk to her.”
“Um, that’s because you’re holed up with my uncle every night when I’m off work.”
“That’s true, I guess.”
“I get it, though.” She grinned. “Making up for lost time.”
Now felt like a good time to bring up something that had been on my mind. “Listen…I need both your input on something.”
Kenzie leaned in. “Okay…”
“I sort of…found out what we’re having by accident.”
Emily gasped. “The gender?”
I nodded.
“Oh my God.” Kenzie clapped. “What is it?”
“Atticus doesn’t even know, so I’m keeping it a secret until I can tell him.”
I was holding lots of secrets, apparently.
Emily covered her mouth and stomped her feet. “I can’t believe you know what you’re having! I’m so freaking excited to find out. You have no idea.”
“I can’t wait to meet my beautiful little cousin.” Kenzie smiled. “But wait, how does one accidentally find out the gender?”
“Well…” I sighed. “I went to an OBGYN before we left Delaware for a check-in, and the tech somehow thought I knew and let it slip. I guess more and more people just agree to find out these days. I feel bad knowing if Atticus doesn’t, especially since he was the one who wanted to find out in the first place. So I was thinking I could surprise him with a gender reveal on the tour.”
“When do you want to tell him?” Emily asked.
“I have an idea!” Kenzie interjected.
She explained her thoughts, and we devised a plan to make the announcement during one of the performances later this week. I was nervous to do it, but excited at the same time.
Emily reached for Kenzie’s camera. “Any good photos?”
Kenzie practically leaped out of her seat to take the camera back. “Not really in this set.”
Emily narrowed her eyes. “What’s that all about? You almost jumped out of your pants to snatch this camera back from me.”
Kenzie blushed. “No, I didn’t.”
“Yeah, you did.” I laughed.
Kenzie’s face turned even more crimson.
Emily held out her hand. “Why can’t I see them?”
“You can, but these are just photos of the guys practicing. Nothing exciting.”
Playing dumb, I narrowed my eyes. “Is there something you don’t want us to see?”
“No. They’re just…not edited.”
“Who cares?” Emily held her hand out again. “Let me see…”
Kenzie reluctantly handed over the camera.
I leaned over Emily’s shoulder to see the photos in the viewfinder. Every single one of them was of Ronan. Mostly candids. Nothing X-rated or anything, which made me relieved for her. There were some of him practicing, strumming on his guitar when he didn’t seem to notice he was being photographed, and many closeups of his handsome face. When I looked over at Kenzie, her face was beet red. I knew exactly what was going on, and it seemed Emily now suspected something too, based on the smirk on her face.
“You seem to have a favorite,” Emily teased.
I smothered a grin.
Kenzie cleared her throat. “No, I was only messing around. Those aren’t even photos we’re gonna use.”
“My point exactly,” Emily said. “They were for your own entertainment. Why are you embarrassed to have a crush? Ronan is hot, even if he’s a bit nuts.”
“Don’t read into it. I don’t have a crush on him.” Kenzie grabbed the camera and nearly dropped it. “Anyway…I have to go get back to work.”
She exited the bus faster than a bat out of hell.
Emily and I looked at each other.
Emily cringed. “I feel bad now. I didn’t mean to embarrass her, but she totally has a thing for Ronan.” She laughed. “Which is horrible for her, because Atticus would kill him if he touched his niece.”
“Yeah…” I muttered, feeling ready to explode.
“And knowing that, Ronan would never touch Kenzie,” she added.
You’d be surprised.
“So she’s probably out of luck, even if she’s super pretty. I could see Ronan liking her, if things were different. How old is she again?”
“Twenty-four, I think?” I gulped.
“Okay, so a decade younger than Ronan. That wouldn’t be bad, I guess. Less of an age gap than Tristan and me. Anyway, Lord knows I’ve seen Ronan date all ages.”
“It’s not the age,” I said. “It’s the principle of the matter. Atticus is like a father to her, and Ronan is his best friend. So that would be awkward.”
“That’s true. But it’s a long tour. She’s gorgeous. And if she has the hots for him…” Emily shrugged. “Anything can happen, I guess.”
I felt like the truth was ready to explode out of me.
“What’s that look?”
“What look?” I felt myself burning up.
She squinted. “You look like you know something...”
I cleared my throat. “What makes you say that?”
“Nicole, what the fuck is going on?”
Crap!
I let out the air I’d been holding. “You have to promise not to say anything.”
She nodded eagerly. “Okay…”
“I saw them together earlier. Ronan and Kenzie. They didn’t know I was in the back bedroom when they snuck onto the bus to be together for a few minutes while everyone was at sound check.”
She covered her mouth. “Holy crap.”
“I saw them kiss and overheard them talking. They’ve been seeing each other. It’s serious and sounded like it’s been happening for a while. He used the L word. Ronan said he wants to tell Atticus during the tour. But Kenzie was freaking out about it. She’s been the one holding back. She wants to wait until after the tour.”
Emily leaned in and whispered, “No one knows but you?”
“Pretty sure it’s just me.” I started to panic. “You can’t tell Tristan.”
“It’s not my place to say anything to anyone. But you’re keeping this from Atticus?”
“I don’t know what to do. Do you think that’s wrong? I need your advice.”
“Shit.” She blew out a long breath. “I usually have an answer for everything, but I don’t know what the right thing is here.”
“I wasn’t supposed to find out. I feel like I should just try to forget and move on, let them tell him the way they want to. It’s their right.”
“But at the same time, that’s pretty big news to be keeping from your man.”
I pulled on my hair. “You would tell Tristan if you were in my position?”
She chewed on her lip. “You know what? As you know, when I first went on tour with the band, I was hiding a pretty damn big secret. I’d made the decision that I wasn’t going to say anything to Tristan until the tour was over. I’ve never regretted that because he was able to at least get through the North American leg without that interruption. I made the call I felt was best for him at the time, not me. I’m thinking you know Atticus best, and if you think finding out will throw him off for the rest of the tour, you should wait.”
I nodded. That made sense and gave me the justification I needed to keep quiet. “Thank you. When you put it that way, I feel better about holding back, for his sake.”
