Questing for a Dream, page 8
Chief Frank handed Nadie a blanket to put over the casket. Nadie ran the fabric between her fingers, looking at it. Luyu should be covered with the red owl blanket. She had only had it for a short while, but Nadie had made it especially for her. The owl would keep her safe. The owl would take her spirit to the afterlife.
She mumbled an explanation to Chief Frank and the others and hurried back to the house for the owl blanket. It was not in the baby room. It was not in Nadie’s old room. She couldn’t find it anywhere. Eventually, she was forced to return to the graveside. She laid the other blanket over the casket and it was lowered into the ground.
They sang a song for Luyu as they threw dirt over the coffin until Nadie could barely make out any of the blanket beneath it. Everyone said goodbye to Luyu, speeding her on her way to the world of spirits. Beth put a plastic shopping bag into Nadie’s hands. It was filled with Luyu’s clothes. The clothes she couldn’t stand to wear. Most of them still looked brand new. Swallowing a lump in her throat, Nadie gave a few items of clothing to each of the women who had children around Luyu’s size or smaller, until the bag was empty. Nadie let go of it, letting it blow away in the wind. Everything that belonged to Luyu had now been passed on to others.
They took Nadie back to the house. Grandfather hugged her and spoke words of comfort. Nadie pushed him away and closed herself up in the baby room. She curled up on the blankets and waited for tears or sleep to come.
Grandfather and the medicine woman came into the baby room. Nadie sat up. She wanted to shout at them to get out and leave her in peace, but it was Grandfather’s house and not Nadie’s. She only lived there because he had taken her in, back when she was a baby even younger than Luyu.
They sat on the floor near her. The room was very crowded with three people there.
For a long time, they all just sat in silence. Grandfather looked old and grave. His eyes didn’t sparkle. His mouth turned down with deep wrinkles around it.
The medicine woman began to chant. Nadie closed her eyes and listened to the beat, letting it carry her away. After some time had passed, the woman stopped chanting. Nadie opened her eyes.
“It is time to let Luyu go,” the medicine woman said solemnly. “You are preventing her from her journey on to the spirit world. You must make peace with her death so she can move on in her journey.”
Nadie cleared her throat. It felt like she had not spoken in days. Maybe she hadn’t. She couldn’t remember saying a word since the meeting with the policeman and social worker in town.
“I don’t want Luyu’s spirit to move on. I want it to stay here with me.”
“She has a place to go to with the Great Spirit. She will be happy there. She is not happy if she has to stay here, where she does not belong.”
Nadie shook her head. “I am not ready. She is my baby, I want her here.”
“She is gone, Nadie,” Grandfather said. “She does not belong in this house or with you anymore. Her body has been buried and her spirit needs to move on.”
“She will always be in you,” the medicine woman comforted. “She is a part of your heart and soul, and that will never leave. But you must let her spirit be free.”
“No,” Nadie said flatly. “I can’t do that.”
Mouse came into the baby room. He knelt down to give Nadie and tight hug and a kiss on the cheek.
“Come with me. Let’s get you out of here.”
Nadie shook her head. But Mouse grasped her hand and pulled her to her feet, not taking ‘no’ for an answer.
“Come. This place is bad medicine for you. Come to my house.”
“No. I can’t leave Luyu.”
“Luyu isn’t here. Come on, Nadie. I mean it. You have to come.”
He pulled her and Nadie didn’t have the strength to resist. He stopped at the door to let her put on her sneakers and then pulled her outside. Once they were walking on their way, he let go of her. There was no reason he had to keep holding onto her. She was out of the house. Her feet seemed to have a will of their own and they kept walking, following the path down to the road, and the road down to the other houses, and then the path up to Mouse’s house.
He didn’t talk to her. Maybe he understood that words didn’t mean anything anymore. Nadie had always loved words. She loved to read everything she could get her hands on and knew more words than anyone else in the band. She had never anticipated that words would fail her. She had never thought they could be inadequate to express what she was feeling so utterly.
Mouse had never been so enamored with words. He understood the value of silence.
Usually, when she went to Mouse’s house, they went to the kitchen. When Beth had been baking, or they had promised to work on their schoolwork together, that was the logical place to be. But Nadie wasn’t hungry. She had no use for food. And there was no point in doing schoolwork. Even if she could focus, what value did it have for her? Schoolwork and book learning hadn’t saved Luyu. Maybe if she had dropped out like the other teenagers, and stayed home to look after Luyu, the girl would still be alive now. School had taken Luyu away from her. Nadie always tried to do the right thing, and she had thought school work was what she was supposed to spend her time and energy on. But that had been a trap laid by the white man. White man’s textbooks had no value for her. Mouse was right.
Nadie stood there, in the doorway, not sure where to go or what to do. Mouse took her hand again and led her into the bathroom. Nadie stopped again, not understanding. What did Mouse want? She hadn’t bathed in days; she probably stank. Mouse slid past her and turned on the hot water tap in the tub. Mouse’s house had running water and a working hot-water heater, propane powered. Nadie waited for Mouse to leave, so she could wash herself. He didn’t leave. He just stood there, while the room started to fill up with steam. He didn’t say anything to her.
After a while, Nadie looked at him, shaking her head slightly. “If you want me to bathe, you should go.”
Mouse gave a short laugh. “No. Don’t you get it? It’s a sweat lodge.” He motioned to the toilet. “Sit down. You look like you’re going to pass out. Just breathe the steam. Let the sweat take the evil out of your body.”
Nadie sat down. She breathed the steam. It wasn’t long before she was sweating, her clothes clammy. She felt even more faint. Mouse pulled out a bundle of sage, tied together at one end. He used a cigarette lighter to get the end burning, and he moved it around, spreading the smoke through the small room. He brought it closer to Nadie and she waved the smoke toward her face and her heart. While she didn’t really believe in Nehiyaw medicine, the smoke soothed her, taking her back to happier times, to better memories.
Mouse started to sing in a low voice. His words were uncertain. She wasn’t sure she had ever heard him sing before. She didn’t look at him or comment on it. He was hesitant enough as it was.
He blew the sage out. He shut the hot water off. Eventually, he took Nadie by the hand again and led her to his bedroom. Nadie resisted. She wasn’t in the mood for intimacy. She didn’t want anything to interrupt her grief. But Mouse tugged insistently.
“No, it’s okay. Come.”
Nadie went in. He shut the door and nudged her toward the bed, but didn’t sit or lie down himself. Nadie sat on the edge of the bed watching him. There was a bottle on his dresser, and he retrieved it, taking a swig and then handing it to her. Nadie took it by the neck and looked down at it.
“You need sleep,” Mouse said. “This is good medicine for sleep. It will help you relax. It will help you forget so your mind can be easy. You need it, Nadie.”
Nadie tipped the bottle up for a small sip. It was home brew, not the commercial alcohol on the label. The sour taste reminded her of Luyu’s lips when Nadie had tried to blow breath into her. It made her feel sick and lost.
“Have some more. You need enough for it to work.”
Nadie took another drink. She was afraid she would throw up, drinking brew on an empty stomach. Her head spun. Even though the memories made her anxious and nauseated, the drink stayed down. Mouse had another drink and passed it back.
It wasn’t long before she knew the medicine had taken hold of her. She started to feel warm instead of cold and clammy from the sweat. Her mind started to ease. She felt incredibly tired.
Mouse’s hands laid her down on the bed and pulled a blanket around her. He lay down beside her and held her in his arms. She felt comforted and protected. Safe and at ease for the first time in days. Mouse hummed. He didn’t have much musical talent, but the humming vibrated in her head, making her more drowsy. Before long she was asleep.
Chapter Eleven
When Nadie awoke, she knew she had been asleep for a long time. Her head felt heavy and thick, but the incredible fatigue was gone. She was comfortable and warm in Mouse’s bed. Mouse was not there with her anymore.
Nadie sat up, rubbing her eyes. She pulled one of the blankets around her like a robe and went to find Mouse. He was sitting in the living room carving something that might have been a tool. It didn’t look like a work of art. There was a sprinkling of shavings in his lap and on the couch and carpet. Nadie didn’t think Beth was going to be too happy about that. The alcohol bottle was close to Mouse like he might have been drinking it while he’d been whittling. He looked up as she walked in and gave her a smile.
“Hey. Feeling any better?”
Nadie nodded. “A little. Thanks.” Her chest was starting to hurt again, and she picked up the bottle and took a little sip to numb the pain. She winced at the burn of the alcohol. “Where did you get that?”
Mouse shrugged. “Lots of people make their own brew.”
It was a non-answer, but Nadie didn’t pursue it. She rubbed her aching forehead.
“You need to eat now,” Mouse said. “Come into the kitchen.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Doesn’t matter. Come on.”
Again he caught her hand and pulled her into the other room. Nadie sat down in one of the chairs without further protest. Mouse zipped around the kitchen, pulling something together for her. There was venison with bannock, some fresh vegetables starting to go limp, and a couple of cookies for dessert. Nadie chewed on the bannock. It was getting dry and stale.
“Where’s Beth?”
Mouse bit his lip. He looked out the window for a minute, then poured her a glass of water from the water bottle beside the sink. “She’s not here. You need to drink. Lots of water.”
She opened her mouth to protest that she didn’t want anything, then realized how dry and cracked her lips were. However much she didn’t want life to go on without Luyu, her body still needed food and water, and she couldn’t keep refusing. The medicine woman would come around with bitter herbs to cure her sickness, even if the sickness was in her spirit and not her body. Nadie took a long drink of water. Mouse watched her and nodded.
“Have a cookie,” Nadie suggested, nudging one toward him. She felt awkward with him just staring at her and not doing anything.
Mouse eventually picked it up and nibbled at the edge. “Only if you eat,” he bargained.
“I am eating.”
She couldn’t manage much. Eventually, she had eaten all she could.
“I should go home. Grandfather will be wondering where I am.”
“He knows where you are. You can stay here as long as you need to.”
It was tempting. On one hand, she wanted to get away from the house of mourning. The house that was empty of Luyu’s lisp and mischief. But on the other hand, she needed to be there. She needed to be where Luyu’s spirit still resided. Needed to feel her close by. She couldn’t stay away and lose that connection. It would be like losing Luyu all over again.
She stood up.
“I’ll walk you back,” Mouse said.
He didn’t try to converse along the way. Nadie was content to walk in silence and not to have to talk about Luyu or to tell him her thoughts. Mouse put his arm around her once to give her a comforting squeeze, but Nadie pulled away and he didn’t pursue her any further.
She paused for a minute at the door before going in. Again feeling the loss of Luyu’s presence from the house.
She whispered. “My poor baby. I’m sorry.”
“What?” Mouse asked.
“Nothing.”
They went in. Nadie wanted to be alone but didn’t have the heart to tell him to leave. Not after he had tried so hard to help her. Mel and the Nose were in the kitchen again. Mel turned to look at Nadie, her big black eyes sorrowful.
“Tân’si, Nadie.” She reached out to touch Nadie. “How are you? Are you okay?”
“How could I be okay?”
“It’s part of the circle of life,” Mel said. “Without death, there is no life. Without an end, life would have no sweetness.”
“Tell me that after you’ve lost a baby,” Nadie countered.
“We’ve all lost people, Nadie. Brothers and sisters, parents, friends…”
“It’s not the same. I don’t know how anyone goes on after losing a child.”
“She wasn’t even yours,” the Nose said. His voice wasn’t intentionally mean. Just stating a fact.
Nadie looked at him, trying to decide how to respond. Or whether to even bother. It wasn’t until then she noticed the blanket he was wearing around his shoulders. Luyu’s blanket. The red owl blanket Nadie had spent so many hours on.
“That’s Luyu’s blanket! What are you doing with that?” Nadie demanded.
“Luyu is gone. Her earthly possessions have been distributed amongst the band. It is our way.”
“You are not part of the band! I didn’t give that to you!”
“Luyu had no more need for it.”
“You stole it! I have been looking for it, ever since the burial.”
“It isn’t yours,” the Nose maintained.
“It is! I made it. Hundreds of hours! You know it is mine! You took it from my room!”
“I took it from the baby room. There are no more babies in the house. Luyu had no further need of it.”
“I want it back!”
The Nose gave her a little bow, ignoring her words. “I thank you for your generosity in sharing with the band. Your many hours of work and your talent are of great benefit to us all. I am honored to have it.”
Mel said something to her husband under her breath, motioning him out of the room, and they walked out together. Mel looked back over her shoulder at Nadie, the skin around her eyes pale. Mouse put his hand on Nadie’s back, directing her back to the baby room.
“Don’t worry about it,” he advised. “Our possessions are not our own, but should benefit whoever has the greatest need.”
“He doesn’t have a great need! There are many blankets he could choose from. I’ll give him another one. That one is mine!”
“You put a part of your soul into that blanket,” Mouse said. “That will always be there.”
“It’s mine!”
“You gave it to Luyu. And Luyu has no more need of it.” His voice was compassionate. He was trying hard not to hurt her feelings. But it cut her to the quick that her best friend wouldn’t support her in this.
She turned away from him, furious tears filling her eyes.
“I’m sorry,” Mouse apologized quickly. “Please don’t worry about it, Nadie. The blanket will always be a part of you and a part of Luyu. It doesn’t take away your memories of her.” He tried to hug her, but Nadie pushed Mouse away.
“I want to be alone,” she snapped. “I don’t want to be with you.”
“I’m sorry, Nadie…”
She turned her back on him. He stayed there, watching, waiting for her to change her mind. Then he finally left the room. Nadie waited until she heard him leave the house and then shut the door to the room.
Grandfather opened the door, hoping to coax Nadie out for dinner or to visit with others, showing her face so they would know all was well and that Luyu’s spirit was at rest. Nadie wiped her eyes and look up at him. She explained to him about the Nose stealing away Luyu’s blanket.
Grandfather scratched his nose, frowning over the story.
“You will tell him that he has to give it back,” Nadie prompted.
He shook his head slowly. “The blanket was not yours, Nadie. It wasn’t yours to keep or to give away. It was Luyu’s, and Luyu is gone. We don’t want her spirit to stay because it is attached to an object. We want her to be free to continue her journey in the next life.”
“Luyu would want me to have it. I was the one who made it and gave it to her, it should come back to me.”
“It is not yours to decide, Nadie.”
“He took it from my room. He didn’t even ask.”
“I’m sure if he had asked, you would have shown a generous spirit,” Grandfather said. “Just like when you gave away Luyu’s clothing.”
“I would not. He doesn’t understand how much that blanket means to me. You don’t understand.”
“You are showing pride for something you created.” Grandfather’s voice was firm. “You are showing selfishness. That is not our way.”
“I’ll go to the Elders. I will go to Chief Frank. They’ll give it back to me.”
Grandfather held up his hands in a shrug. “We are not in the habit of taking away another’s blanket. I hope the Elders will help you to understand.”
Nadie had observed talking circles many times as a child, but she had not participated directly in one before. She was nervous about her participation. Would the Elders take her concerns into account? Would they decide she was too young, only a child, and should not have any say in the outcome?
She sat on the floor on one side of the circle and the Nose sat on the floor on the other side. There were several Elders and other participants in the circle. Grandfather was there too. Chief Frank sat down and lit a small bowl of sweetgrass, waving it back and forth and letting the smoke waft over all of them.
“We are here to reconcile Nadie and Willie Laplante and Horatio Long,” Chief Frank announced. “The talking circle is a sacred place and a safe place. Those with angry feelings should focus on the harmony of the band, and thinking of what is best for all. The talking circle is not a court of judgment. That is a white man’s idea. The talking circle is a place to make peace with your brothers and sisters.”
