Questing for a Dream, page 30
Nadie worked on her weaving, carefully working back and forth across the warp yarn. It was good meditation and she really needed the quiet, contemplative time. Discussions in group therapy had turned very heated. Although Nadie did her best to think of it as a talking circle, they didn’t follow the rules of a circle and she always left feeling more anxious and disrupted than she had been in the beginning.
Nadie went over to the bins to choose the color for the central band of the pattern. She had previously picked out a deep blue, but every time she thought about working it in, she felt like it wasn’t right.
Going through the bins, she came across a red yarn almost identical in color to the thread she had used for the background field of Luyu’s blanket. She stopped, staring at it. It was eerie how similar in color it was.
“Oh, that’s a beautiful color,” Poppy said, looking over Nadie’s shoulder.
Nadie startled slightly and turned to look at Poppy. Without thinking, her fingers had closed over the ball of yarn and she turned with it in her hands.
“I used this color before. For my cousin’s blanket.”
“I love it. It’s so warm and rich. I think it’s a great choice for your piece.”
“I wasn’t going to…” Nadie trailed off and walked back to the table where she had left the cardboard loom. “Do you think so? It’s not too bright?”
“No. It’s just right.”
Nadie nodded, holding the yarn up to the weaving. It did fit. And unlike the blue, which she couldn’t bring herself to start, her fingers itched to work the red into her pattern.
Bryson looked around the circle to make sure everyone was settled, looking each of them in the eye. He waited for their casual chatter to subside before beginning.
“Thanks for coming, everyone. We have a new admittee today; this is Celia. I’ll get everyone to introduce themselves…”
They went quickly around the circle, giving their names, maybe smiling at the new patient and maybe not. The woman was older than Nadie, but she looked small and childlike, overwhelmed by all of the newness. Nadie remembered when she had arrived. Everyone had rattled off their names and she couldn’t remember one. Now she knew everyone; not just their names, but the intimate details of all of their lives.
“Great. Let’s get started. Does anyone have an experience they would like to share?”
He looked around. Nadie gave him a little nod. His eyebrows went up. “Excellent. Tonya is going to be leaving in a few days. We’re glad to hear from her before that.”
Nadie looked at a tile on the floor a few feet in front of her, not looking at any of the other patients.
“My name is Nadie.” A murmur went around the circle. “I’ve been going by Tonya while I’ve been here, but my real name is Nadie. That’s who I am and I’m not pretending to be someone else any longer.”
She looked at Celia, so new and uncertain, perched on her chair like she would take flight if she were startled.
“I have… a problem. When I don’t want to deal with life and with everything my people have gone through, I hide.” She licked her lips and swallowed hard. “I hide behind drugs or alcohol or whatever it takes to numb the pain. I don’t know if I’m an addict or not… but I have a problem.”
She ventured a glance at the circle. They were all quiet, listening. There were a few nods of agreement or encouragement. No one interrupted or mocked her.
“I ran away from my life because it got to be too much for me. And because I was a coward. I should have stayed and tried harder, but I was just… so tired and fed up with it all. It didn’t seem like anything would ever go right for me again.”
She was silent and everyone waited to see whether she was done or would continue on. Nadie rubbed her forehead, the muscles so tight she was getting a headache.
“My baby cousin, my little sister I took care of… she drowned in a bucket of mash. I found her body… but I couldn’t do anything for her. I didn’t know how to go on. I didn’t think I could.” Nadie glanced at Bryson, but he made no attempt to cut her time short. His expression was drawn and sad. As if he’d been there to see Nadie pull Luyu out of the bucket. “I thought I might die on the river. And that would have been okay with me. In a way, I guess I did. Because the woman who stole all my things and my raft died. They buried her under my name and I haven’t been Nadie since then.”
“But now you are,” Bryson said quietly.
Nadie nodded. “Being here has helped. I didn’t think it would. But it has.”
“I know it hasn’t been easy for you,” Bryson said. “But you’ve come a long way. I hope that will continue after you are gone.”
Nadie nodded. “Yeah. Thanks.”
Tessa’s release was before Nadie’s. Nadie entered the room. Tessa had changed into street clothes and was packing away her belongings.
“Oh, hey,” Tessa smiled and brushed her hair out of her face. “I guess this is it, huh? Time to say goodbye and hit the trail.”
Nadie nodded. “You’ll be okay?”
“I’ll do my best. I’ve got all the numbers for the outpatient programs. Time to try sober living on the outside.”
“Yeah.”
“I’m sort of scared.”
“I am too. I’ll be out in a couple more days.”
“Maybe we can get together, have coffee.”
“Maybe. I brought this for you…” Nadie held out her weaving. It had turned out well; beautiful rich colors, an attractive pattern, a tight, even weave.
“For me?” Tessa’s jaw dropped. “Really? But you spent so much time on it! Don’t you want to keep it, or give it to someone else?”
“I can make another one. I don’t know what you want to use it for. You can hang it on the wall, or you can use it as a hot pad for pots, or to keep a dish warm.”
“It’s lovely. I can’t wait to get home and find a place for it.” She gave Nadie an impulsive hug. “Thank you so much, Tonya—Nadie. Good luck to you, too.”
“Thanks.” Nadie returned the hug and wished she could just sneak away with Tessa and not have to wait the final couple of days. She didn’t want to say goodbye to everyone and go through all of the final steps. She just wanted to go home without any further fanfare.
Then it seemed like no time before she was getting to leave herself and felt the same pangs of fear Tessa had about leaving the protected environment and trying to make it on her own on the outside. She would again be exposed to drugs and alcohol and all of the other temptations the real world had to offer.
She would never have predicted in the initial days that she would have the hardest time saying goodbye to Jeremy. He wasn’t allowed to hug her, but he shook her hand warmly, holding onto it longer and looking her in the eye.
“You keep working on healing,” he encouraged. “You’ve made a good start, but it isn’t done. Hundreds of years of damage can’t be wiped away in a few days or weeks.”
Nadie nodded. There was a lump in her throat and her eyes got hot. Jeremy released her hand and handed her a personalized list of resources she could access after she left. He shook his head at the list, scowling in dissatisfaction.
“More than these, you’ll need to find a mentor or guide. A medicine woman, maybe. Someone who can help you with tribal medicine. There isn’t anyone in our database…”
“Maybe you should start adding them to your list,” Nadie suggested. “I’m not going to be the only Indian who needs a spiritual guide.”
He nodded. “Yes… Well… I want to thank you, Nadie. You’ve helped me work on healing myself too.” He smiled tentatively. “If you hadn’t been so stubborn, I wouldn’t have looked very closely at intergenerational trauma. Even though I was aware of it, I never thought it was so… relevant. That we needed to start working on healing our ancestors.” He shrugged, embarrassed.
“Maybe your directors will let others use sacred plants and ceremonies now too.”
“I think they will.” Jeremy agreed. “We can’t just keep ignoring what’s bringing so many Indigenous peoples through our doors.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Nadie hesitated on the doorstep of the shelter. She was unsure whether she should knock like she was an outsider, or to just go in like she was a resident. She didn’t know what she was anymore. She eventually decided to go in. Rolf barked his head off and ran up to her. Nadie let him smell her fingers, then scratched his ears. She found Cammy in her office.
“Tonya,” Cammy said, not getting up to greet her. “Boy, has it been a month already? You’re looking a lot better.”
Nadie nodded. “Yeah… I’m feeling a lot better too…”
“Good for you. Glad to hear it. So, what can I do for you?”
“I wondered… if I could still stay here.”
Cammy looked toward the door and then back at Nadie. “I told you the first day; no drugs or you’re out.”
“But…” Nadie looked for an argument. “I’m clean and sober now.”
“We don’t do three strikes. Zero tolerance.”
“Oh. Okay…” There was a lump in Nadie’s throat. She hadn’t expected to be barred from going back to the shelter. She was back where she had started, with no home, trying to find someone to take her in.
“Your backpack is in the front closet. You can try the Step Up Center. Or see if there’s any space at other youth shelters. There might be some emergency spaces so you have somewhere to sleep. But things fill up when it gets cold and we’ve had minus forty temperatures while you were gone.”
Nadie nodded. “Yeah. Okay.”
“Sorry, Tonya. Take care of yourself.” Cammy’s voice held a tone of dismissal. She turned away.
“It’s Nadie.”
“What?” Cammy looked back at her, frowning.
“My name. It’s not Tonya. It’s Nadie.”
Cammy’s eyebrow lifted. “Okay… then goodbye, Nadie.”
Nadie left the shelter to try to find a bed somewhere else.
It was a few days before Nadie ran into Charlotte. It was unexpected. She hadn’t been looking for Charlotte, working under the assumption she was in jail. Nadie had filled her plate with breakfast at the Step Up Center and was looking around for a seat when she heard a squeal.
“Tonya!”
Nadie turned and saw Charlotte rushing toward her.
“Tonya, babe, how are you?” she demanded, giving Nadie an exuberant hug.
Nadie submitted to the hug for a second, then nudged Charlotte back, frowning. “What are you doing here? I thought you were in jail.”
Charlotte laughed. “Never for more than a day! I’m ‘awaiting trial,’ but they don’t keep you in the pokey the whole time. It’s overcrowded enough already. And if you can get the trial delayed enough times, you never have to worry about getting convicted.” She linked arms with Nadie and led her toward a table. “If things get too hot, I’ll move on; take a different name and disappear. Maybe I’ll go to Winnipeg!”
“Yeah… I wouldn’t recommend it.”
“So tell me how you’re doing! You look good.”
“I’m okay… other than needing a bed.”
“I could help you with that,” Charlotte suggested, giving Nadie a nudge and a wink.
They sat down at a table. Nadie looked around uncomfortably. Charlotte seemed completely at home with Nadie, but the feeling wasn’t mutual.
Charlotte frowned at Nadie, sensing her reserve. “What’s wrong?”
Nadie couldn’t believe she had to tell Charlotte. “You got me arrested.”
“I got you arrested? You got yourself arrested, girl. I don’t take responsibility for that.”
“You gave me those pills and that’s what I got arrested for.”
“A couple pills?” Charlotte scoffed. “It would never have held. They had surveillance cameras on everything; they knew you didn’t pay for them. No one has time to prosecute for simple possession of two pills.”
“They did arrest me. And they charged me with trafficking.”
Charlotte dug into her eggs. “Would never have stuck,” she declared. “You let them talk you into rehab.” She chewed, studying Nadie. “And you’re not even a junkie.”
Nadie poked at her meal. She knew she had to eat and had become accustomed to having at least a small breakfast each day at rehab. But she felt anxious sitting with Charlotte, her stomach tightening into a big knot. Charlotte was probably right; they would never have convicted her of trafficking. But that didn’t excuse Charlotte taking Nadie along for a drug deal or giving her drugs when she said no.
“You’re still fresh from rehab,” Charlotte said tolerantly. “It will take you a few days to acclimatize to the real world again. They brainwash you in those places.”
They both ate in silence for a few minutes, thinking their own thoughts. Nadie thought about how like Nicole Charlotte was. How long was it going to take Charlotte to figure out she needed to turn her life around? She pretended to be happy all the time, but Nadie didn’t believe it. Like Nicole, Charlotte was already scarred by her choices.
“Have you ever heard of a soul wound?”
Charlotte looked at her and made a wry face. “Don’t try talking Cree medicine to me. I’m happy just the way I am. Any plants I smoke are going to be recreational.”
“You would feel better if you made an offering to the spirits.”
“Why don’t you do it for me?” Charlotte suggested. “I’m not interested.”
“But you believe your Ojibwe traditions, don’t you?”
“Just the ones that are convenient for me.”
Nadie ate, thinking about that.
“We gonna go out and celebrate your release?” Charlotte asked as she finished off her breakfast. Nadie’s plate was still mostly full. She just couldn’t choke the food down.
Nadie laid down her fork. “No. Thanks. I think I’d better stay away from partying…”
“Tonya Stick in the Mud. You’re not seriously going to let this little thing put a damper on our fun, are you?”
“I want to stay sober. Deal with my problems another way.”
“They’ve got you so brainwashed. There’s no reason you can’t have a little drink now and then. You’ve been away for a month, we gotta get together.”
Nadie shook her head. “We’re together now. We don’t need to party to see each other.”
Charlotte swore. “I don’t need you telling me how I can or can’t have fun. I’ve got nobody to tie me down and tell me what I gotta do. That’s the way it’s gonna stay.”
Nadie shrugged.
Charlotte’s eyes were dark and full of fury. “Why don’t you just go back to the rez?”
Nadie didn’t argue. Maybe she would go back to the reservation sometime. Not right away; it was too cold for travel. If she hitched, she might end up frozen like a statue next to the road until spring. But Nadie had discovered she’d never really left the reservation behind. She’d taken it all along with her. All that heavy baggage.
“You’re stupid,” Charlotte sneered. “You’ll see. I bet you’re back to abusing within two weeks.”
“And you’ll still be being abused.”
Charlotte’s mouth dropped open. “What? Nobody abuses me. I take care of myself. No one hurts me.”
“Okay.” Nadie got up to leave.
Charlotte stood up too. “What does that mean?” she demanded.
“It means okay. I guess I’ll see you around,” Nadie said. She turned away from Charlotte and walked away.
Chapter Thirty
Living on the street during Calgary winter wasn’t easy. But it was better than Winnipeg. The chinook winds blew through every few weeks, eating up all of the snow and making Nadie think spring was coming. But then it would snow again. It didn’t get below minus thirty once January was past, but it still was too cold to sleep outdoors and she was only able to get emergency beds, nothing permanent.
She diligently attended appointments with counselors, support groups, and job placement specialists, and didn’t have too many setbacks. She saw Charlotte now and then and grew familiar with some of the other homeless she ran into repeatedly. Charlotte mostly ignored her, which was fine with Nadie. She got enough name-calling from strangers on the street simply for being Indigenous and homeless. She didn’t need any more grief from Charlotte.
She spent a lot of hours at the public library, reading all kinds of books, even Dickens and Shakespeare like Jeremy had suggested. And it was a good place to go when you just needed somewhere quiet and warm. So that was her new hang-out.
Then it was finally spring. The night time temperatures barely dipped below freezing, and by afternoon, it was often shirt-sleeve weather. There were fewer people at the shelters. There were buds bursting on the trees and a green smell in the air. Nadie found herself craving green space. Mouse and Grandfather would have laughed at her. They were always trying to get her to put down her books and go outside. But now she was ready. She ventured west along the river as far as she could during the day before having to return downtown to the shelter. Eventually, she made the decision not to go back downtown. It was warm enough to sleep out of doors again.
Nadie soaked in the color and smell of the trees and the dirt. The river was high and fast with spring run-off from the mountains. Looking at the mountains, Nadie could see they were still capped with snow. Lots more water for the river. She realized she was walking west, which was the opposite direction from home. But she wasn’t going home.
She was drawn to the trees and the river. There were too many people on the pathway; walking, running, biking, and blading. So she left the path and ventured into the trees. She kept going, looking for deeper and darker brush, until she could no longer see or hear anyone else. She listened to the birds and to the wind whispering through the new leaves, reaching out with her heart.
Mouse had said she was good at seeing things. Her naming ceremony and honoring the dead had strengthened her more than any of the other counseling or therapies. Maybe pursuing other spiritual experiences would help her heal further. Her cravings for relief from the pain were something she still battled daily and she wished she could progress far enough on her journey to leave them behind for good.
