Questing for a Dream, page 10
She gulped. “What do you mean? How can it take away the pain?”
“I was sad. And now… I’m not. One big sniff and it all goes away. Try it.”
Nadie looked down at the cloth in her hand. She was already going home smelling like gasoline. There was no way it would all wash off. She already had a headache from it.
Just one sniff; that wasn’t enough to do any permanent damage. If it could truly take away the pain for a time…
Nadie brought the choking fumes closer to her face, gagging at the smell. Just once, and then she would know. She couldn’t breathe through her nose anymore, the smell was too overwhelming. She put the cloth over her open mouth. She could taste the sharp tang of the gasoline even though she was holding her breath. She took a deep intake of breath through the rag.
It was totally unlike drinking, where the warm feeling took time to develop and wash away her cares. It was like an explosion in her brain. Her heart gave a painful throb like she was going to have a heart attack and then she was floating, flying.
She couldn’t even remember the pain and the worry anymore. She thought she might have laughed aloud.
It was like she was up in heaven and none of the earthly crap mattered anymore. She was happy. Wildly, crazily happy, like she’d never been before.
Nothing would ever take that away from her again.
Nadie awoke to Mouse moving around. She could feel him leaning over her and tried to open her eyes, but the light was too bright. It hurt.
“Go away,” she murmured.
Mouse made a noise like a laugh, but one that was faint and far away. “Go away?” he repeated in a hoarse voice. “You’re in my bed.”
“What?”
She felt the mattress and blankets beneath her. He was right; it wasn’t her pile of blankets on the floor. She was in a warm, comfortable cocoon and she didn’t want to leave it.
“Are you okay, Nadie?”
“Yeah.”
She was too tired to get up or even to stay awake while Mouse moved around the room and to the bathroom next door. She heard him running water and retching over the toilet. She was glad she didn’t feel nauseated. Just numb. And tired. It wasn’t like a hangover. She imagined she was still high, since the feeling of well-being hadn’t entirely left. It was a relief to feel calm and peaceful after all of the anguish of the recent past.
Mouse was back in the room with her. He crawled into bed beside her. Nadie felt her chest and the bed beside her, looking for the rag she had dropped while unconscious.
“Where is it?”
“I put it away.”
His arms went around her. Nadie pushed at him irritably. “Why? I want another sniff.”
“Don’t want you getting sick.”
“Mouse…!”
“Shh.” His light fingers traced a circle on Nadie’s forehead. He smelled like soap. “Just sleep it off.”
“I wanted another hit! Come on…”
“You’re not used to it. Just go back to sleep for a while. I’ll get you a Tylenol when you wake up.”
The sleepiness was almost overwhelming and Nadie soon drifted off again.
She was more aware the next time. More aware of her surroundings and more aware of the pain. The effects of the inhalant were, after all, only temporary. Nadie lay there on Mouse’s bed with him breathing evenly beside her and thought about what had happened.
She’d always considered Mouse privileged. With both plumbing and a working generator, he was better off than most of the other families on the reservation. He had a mother who loved and doted on him and made fantastic food. When they had been younger and his older siblings lived at home, he had never lacked for entertainment or physical care. It wasn’t really until his brothers and sisters started to move out that she saw the dark side. The mother consumed by a depressive spirit. Mouse’s sisters had always fed and clothed him and seen him off to school if their mother was ‘under the weather.’ His brothers had taught him how to care for things around the house, like the generator. He had a knack for keeping it running. It was one of the only generators in the settlement that worked more often than it was broken.
But now they were gone, not only from the house but from the reservation. Leaving Mouse to look after himself whenever Beth went down the tunnel of despair. Mouse was usually so cheerful, teasing Nadie and making her laugh. He covered up his pain and didn’t burden Nadie with it.
Nadie punched him in the chest. Mouse startled comically, his arms thrown wide in surprise, eyes open and wild. He took a deep breath.
“What was that for?” he demanded.
“Why didn’t you come see me when your mom was having trouble again? You could stay with me.”
“In the baby room? I prefer my bed.”
“You don’t want to be here all by yourself. Sniffing gas. Come and stay with me while Beth is in hospital.”
He shook his head. “I’m a man, Nadie. I can live by myself. I don’t need a babysitter.”
“But you’re lonely.”
“How do you know?” His voice was defensive.
Nadie was confused. It was all wrong. Why was he getting angry when she wanted to help him? She hadn’t challenged his manhood. Just offered him a place to stay.
“Because I would be… because you’re sniffing gasoline…”
“That’s my business, not yours. And how could I come to you? You’re so wrapped up in yourself you don’t even know I exist!”
Nadie stared at him, mouth open, unable to find the words. Wrapped up in herself? Was that how he saw her? She was suffering through the worst trauma of her life and he thought she was being selfish with her pain?
“I’m… I’m…”
He plucked at her hair, ragged from being cut with a knife. “You’re in mourning. I know. But there’s no room left for anybody else. Not even me.”
His voice was bleak. Nadie suddenly had to leave. She pushed the bedding away from her, trying to untangle herself and get out of the bed. She got up too fast, staggering with a head rush.
“Nadie!” Mouse protested. He grabbed for her, catching hold of the back of her shirt and jerking her back.
Already dizzy, Nadie overbalanced backward and was not able to catch herself. She toppled over backward, smashing the back of her head on the metal frame of the bed. She saw bright lights and black splotches. The pain was excruciating. Mouse swore, jumping off the bed and crouching beside her.
“Nadie, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pull you over! Are you okay? You hit your head.”
He pulled her forward and turned her head to look at the back where she had hit it.
“Oh, crap!” She felt his hands begin to shake. “Stay right there. Don’t move.”
Her vision still hazy, Nadie gingerly felt the back of her head. It was swelling up, the skin split, and she drew her fingers back sticky with blood. It was dripping down her neck. Nadie felt nauseated.
Mouse returned with a wet cloth and an ice pack. Nadie tried to hold her head still while he cleaned off the blood. He switched to the ice pack and Nadie just about passed out when he pressed it against the bump.
“We need the medicine woman,” Mouse said. “Can you get to the car?”
“I don’t know.”
He swore again. “Come on, we gotta try.” He stood up and pulled on her arm, heaving her to her feet. He put her arm around his neck and his arm around her waist. Nadie’s legs wobbled. She managed a few steps, but the dizziness was overwhelming, and she felt herself sliding away from him. Mouse clutched at her and bent over. She thought he was going to help set her down gently, but he scooped up her legs and carried her the rest of the way.
Chapter Thirteen
An hour later, Nadie was lying on her stomach and the medicine woman was peeling back the compress she had made of herbs.
“That’s a nasty cut,” she observed again. “And a really good bump. But it looks like the bleeding has stopped.”
“So I can go home now?”
“Hah. Now we need to stitch it up.”
Nadie moaned. “I don’t want stitches.”
“I didn’t ask you what you wanted. Mouse Running in Dust, you come over here and hold her hand.”
Mouse did what he was told. He grasped Nadie’s hand. “Are you going to give her something to numb the pain?” he asked.
There was no answer from the medicine woman and Nadie lifted her woozy head to look at her. The medicine woman had Mouse fixed with a glare. “Sometimes it is better to feel the pain.”
Mouse swallowed and looked down at Nadie, his eyes wide. Nadie laid her head back down again. Just how much did the medicine woman know? Did she know or guess they had been sniffing? She gritted her teeth and waited for the piercing pain of the needle.
“Now can I go home?”
“You just rest, Nadie. Your grandfather is coming to pick you up.”
“Grandfather? He doesn’t have to come! Mouse can drive me home.”
“Mouse is not supposed to drive.”
Mouse looked back and forth between the medicine woman and Nadie. “I had to drive her here! She couldn’t walk and I couldn’t leave her alone.”
The medicine woman did not concede the point.
“I can drive,” Mouse said sullenly.
“You have not learned your lesson.”
“I had one accident. Anybody could have an accident.”
“Accidents can often be prevented.” She was again giving Mouse that fixed stare, making him squirm uncomfortably. “I took a bottle of home brew from your house this morning when I saw to your mother.”
Mouse looked steadily down at his feet, refusing to meet her gaze.
“And that didn’t make any difference, did it?” the medicine woman said.
Nadie closed her eyes, pretending she was faint or tired. The old woman did know. They couldn’t hide what they had been doing from her.
“So you had another accident. Nadie got hurt. I thank your spirit guide you did not have another accident on the way here.” Emphasizing her words, she lit a pipe of tobacco to thank the spirits and wafted the smoke toward Mouse and Nadie.
Mouse sat down on the bed next to Nadie and lightly stroked her hacked-short hair, keeping well away from the newly-sewn injury.
“Children always think they have discovered something new,” the medicine woman went on. “They think they are the first ones to try. But it is the same foolishness. You will only hurt the ones you love.”
Mouse shifted. “I’d better go before Willie gets here,” he muttered. “I’m sorry, Nadie. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“Stay here. Grandfather won’t hurt you. If he’s angry at anyone, it will be me. Stay and… come to the house. Stay with me while Beth’s away.”
“I told you no,” Mouse growled. “I am a man, not a baby. I will live in my own house.”
With that, he got to his feet and headed toward the door.
“You will walk home, Mouse Running in Dust,” the medicine woman called after him. “I will bring the car back to your house later.”
Mouse slammed the door and was gone.
Nadie had said Grandfather wouldn’t be angry at Mouse for his part in the accident, but she was wrong. He came barreling into the medicine woman’s house, puffed up with fury, his normally quiet feet stomping into the house.
“Where is that boy?” he demanded, before even looking at Nadie or acknowledging her presence. He looked around the room as if Mouse might be hiding in a corner. “Where is he? I saw his car outside!”
“He is not here,” the medicine woman said calmly. “His car is here because I told him he was not allowed to drive. He is walking home.”
“He left her here? Alone?”
“She was not alone. I am with Nadie, looking after her. Mouse Running in Dust was right to leave before you got here. We don’t need a fight.”
“Oh, we’re going to have a fight. As soon as I get my hands on him, I’m going to beat the tar out of him! He can’t hurt my granddaughter and get away with it.”
“He didn’t hurt me, Nimosôm,” Nadie said. “I fell down. That’s all. It wasn’t Mouse’s fault.”
The medicine woman indicated the door with her gaze, and she and Grandfather walked out. There was no yelling. Whatever she decided to tell him, it didn’t cause an explosion. Nadie was relieved and worried at the same time. If he exploded, it would be over quickly. She might get a smack or be grounded from seeing Mouse for a week, but then it would be over and done. Without a release of his anger, she worried he might brood for days or weeks. Not speaking to her or telling her what was on his mind. Not disciplining her. Just getting further into his own dark place. The calm was more than she could stand.
They were gone from the room for a long time. Nadie closed her eyes, hoping it would stop the spinning, but it didn’t. Her head throbbed liked it was going to explode. When Grandfather came back into the room by himself, he didn’t say anything to her. He just stood there, waiting for her to get up. Nadie pushed herself up into a sitting position, balancing herself on her hands. That was as much as she could handle to start with. She was seeing double and her stomach lurched with her movements. Grandfather eventually moved to her side and put his arm around her waist to lift her to her feet. Nadie leaned on him. He was stronger than Mouse, his arm around her as hard and unyielding as steel. He guided her slowly out through the house to his truck, stopping whenever she got off-balance or started to sag. He boosted her up into the cab of the truck.
Nadie steadied her swimming head with her hand. She couldn’t put her head on the headrest because that was right where her injury was. She tried to hold herself together, feeling every bump and jolt all the way back to the house. When they came to a stop, Nadie climbed out of the truck without waiting for Grandfather, holding onto the side of the vehicle for support while she bent over, throwing up in the gravel of the driveway. Grandfather waited until she was done, then took her by the arm and guided her into the house without a word of either rebuke or sympathy.
“Nimosôm…” Nadie tried.
He ignored her.
“I’m sorry. It was just an accident.”
He said nothing, guiding her into her room. Not the baby room, but her old room.
“No—” Nadie protested.
“Get your daughter changed and put her to bed,” Grandfather told Nicole, seating Nadie firmly on the side of the bed. He walked back out of the room. Nadie felt abandoned. He’d never left her to be taken care of by her mother. Grandfather had always provided whatever she needed. She felt like he was writing her off, disowning her by throwing her back at her mother. Tears prickled in Nadie’s eyes.
“What happened?” Nicole asked, approaching Nadie’s side.
“I can… I don’t need help,” Nadie said. She didn’t want Nicole to take care of her. Nicole needed to know Nadie was tough and independent. She was her own woman, nearly an adult, and she could take care of herself.
“Whew, you stink!” Nicole exclaimed. “What were you guys doing? Siphoning gas tanks?”
Nadie tried to pull her t-shirt off, but it was impossible. She couldn’t even get her arms out, and when it came time to pull it off over her head, she didn’t know how she was going to get it past the goose-egg. Nicole moved in and helped Nadie get out of first one sleeve, then the other. Looking at Nadie’s injury for a moment, Nicole stretched the neck of the t-shirt as far as she could, nearly throttling Nadie. With one quick movement, it was up past the bump and over Nadie’s head.
“Do you have a button-up shirt?” Nicole asked, leaving Nadie sitting shirtless on the bed as she went to the closet for a look. She came back with a soft flannel shirt and helped Nadie put it on.
“Okay, lie down now.” Nicole moved things around on Nadie’s bed to make room for her to stretch out and Nadie rested her face in the pillow. Nicole sat there for a minute. She started rubbing Nadie’s back in small, soothing circles. Nadie squirmed under her touch.
“No, don’t.”
Nicole stopped. She continued to sit on the edge of the bed beside Nadie. “Do you want to tell me what happened?” she asked. “I don’t know when was the last time I saw your Grandfather so mad. Probably when they first brought you here.”
Nadie’s heart gave a throb. She was surprised she could even feel it with the way her head hurt. “Because he didn’t want me?” she asked.
“What? No, baby,” Nicole rubbed her back again. “No, of course he wanted you. He wasn’t mad he had to take care of you. He was mad at me. Because…” She stopped, choked up. Nicole stopped rubbing Nadie’s back and just sat there with her hand on Nadie, reaching for the words. “I wasn’t a good mom,” she said. “That’s why they gave you to your Grandfather.”
Nadie nodded into the pillow. “I figured,” she mumbled.
“It was more than that… more than just not being good at it.”
Nadie swallowed.
“I got frustrated,” Nicole said. “I didn’t know how to take care of a baby and I was messed up… on some pretty bad junk… I was with a guy and he didn’t like competing for my attention.” She looped back around again, away from the excuses and back to the explanation. “I hurt you. I hurt you bad, and they took you away. They should have. It was the right thing to do. They gave you to Grandfather to take care of. He raised me. Other babies. He was the one they trusted.”
Nicole sniffled for some time. Nadie didn’t look at her. She didn’t know why Nicole was crying. Because she had hurt Nadie long ago? Because Nadie had been taken away from her? Because she felt sorry for herself? She hadn’t lost a child the way Nadie had lost Luyu. She hadn’t ever loved Nadie. She hadn’t been the one to care for her every day and watch her grow. That was Grandfather. And now Grandfather was angry with Nadie.
“That’s why he was angry,” Nicole said finally. “Not because he didn’t want you. He did. He loved you from the moment you were born. He was mad because I had hurt you. Because I didn’t care for my own flesh and blood. They told me I couldn’t be around you, even when Grandfather was taking care of you. So I left. Went back to the city, where I’d got into trouble in the first place. Went back to my boyfriend, or another one, I don’t remember anymore. I was so messed up.”
