Questing for a Dream, page 4
“They never come back.”
“They never come back… and they take their culture away… and sometimes…” More tears fell. Nadie gave up trying to wipe them all away. “They disappear, or they die.”
“No—” Mouse tried to argue the point.
“Don’t tell me they don’t!”
“How would you know that? They don’t come back to the band. We don’t hear what happens to the children who leave.”
“Never?”
He cast his eyes down. “Not usually.” He couldn’t say never because he knew it wasn’t true. Sometimes they did hear of a child who had died. Rarely, a body was returned to the band for burial.
“At the library in town, the librarian showed me how to read news stories on the computers. I read about what happens to the children who are put in white foster care. They die. They’re abused and neglected and they die, even worse than when they stay on the reservation. If they take Luyu away, they’re not putting her in a better place. That’s not how it works. No one can love her like we do.”
“Is Luyu feeling better today?” Running Deer asked at school the next morning. “Mouse said she was sick.”
“She’s doing better. She got a bump on her head and I think that made her sick.”
“Well, I’m glad she’s feeling better. She’s such a sweet girl.”
Nadie nodded and looked for a change in conversation. “Can we start with free reading this morning?”
Running Deer considered.
“It’s too cold to start with outside work,” one of the younger students piped up. “Can we read? Please?”
Most of the students remained silent. Few of them enjoyed reading like Nadie and Little Bird did. None of them suggested math or another subject, and none was eager to go outside when it was still cold out. They all waited for their teacher’s answer.
“I have a better idea,” Running Deer said. “Why don’t we start with Nadie reading to the class?”
“Yes!” Dean shouted out, pumping his fist in the air.
Everyone laughed. Dean, one of the littles, only seven years old, was not much of a scholar, but he loved listening to Nadie read stories. Nadie nodded her consent and all of the children put their heads down on their desks to listen to her. The school’s library consisted of only one shelf of books; a few Cree stories and some popular children’s books. Nadie picked one of them out and sat at the front of the room to read.
When Nadie finished reading, Running Deer started to make assignments for the younger children, breaking them up into groups she could supervise. Nadie picked up her heavy correspondence books. Mouse had a matching set and she grabbed them too. They put their desks together. Nadie opened up her books to start on her next lesson. Mouse didn’t. Nadie worked for a few minutes and looked up at him.
“School work,” she said. “Remember?”
“I don’t feel like doing this white man’s work.”
“Well, what else are you going to do? Running Deer said she couldn’t teach us anymore. If we want to stay in school, we have to study the correspondence work ourselves.”
“She can teach us other things. Or we can learn them from the band. Nehiyaw stuff. Not white man’s books. I should be out with the men. Outside doing something. Not inside reading this.”
Nadie frowned at him. “You want to drop out? You can’t drop out, Mouse, you’re the only one left my age! I’ll be all alone.”
“You wouldn’t be alone. There’s still the younger children.”
“That’s not the same. You’re my only classmate.”
“And there’s Running Deer.”
“She’s the teacher! You can’t drop out, Mouse.”
“I didn’t say I was dropping out,” he sighed. “I just said I don’t feel like doing this work. This doesn’t mean anything to us.”
“It could still be useful.”
“Drawing triangles? Reading about the people who oppressed the Nehiyaw and stole our land and way of life? How is any of this helping us?”
“We need an education… to get work… to be able to teach the younger kids… to learn about our people…”
“But that’s not what we’re doing,” Mouse pointed out. “How is learning white man’s curriculum doing any of that? It will only help you with work if you work outside the band. Go to town or the city. If you want to work here, you should be learning from the women. And I should be hunting with the men,” Mouse gazed out the window. “Not sitting around here with the little kids.”
“Learning is learning. It all enriches us.”
“You spend all your time studying this,” Mouse thumped his finger down on the pile of books in front of him, “and you just become more white. To be a whole woman, you need to balance your body, mind, spirit, and feelings. Like the medicine wheel. Just studying books… you become unbalanced.”
Nadie rolled her eyes. “How many people in the band are balanced? Everybody fights sickness and evil. Our babies die. Children go hungry. Houses burn down and the people passed out inside never even know they are dying. Roaming around outside all day isn’t going to solve anything. If I learn from these books, I can help us. Find solutions. We can learn to be a strong people again.”
“That’s in there?” Mouse asked skeptically.
“Yes! The white man is strong, isn’t he?”
“Not spiritually. Spiritually, they are dead. You can’t be a whole person without your soul. They are just walking bodies.”
Chapter Five
Nadie was out of sorts when she got home. All of her worry over Luyu, and now she was worried Mouse was going to drop out and she would be the only older student in the school. She couldn’t understand why he didn’t see that education was the only way for them to improve things for their people. He just wanted to sit around being lazy or to tromp around outside hunting. He wouldn’t even cure his own meat, but would pass it on to Beth or one of the other women in the tribe to prepare for him. That was if he even killed anything.
She didn’t know exactly how learning the white high school curriculum would help her either. But everything she read and studied helped her grow and who knew which things she would need to know in the future?
Nadie tried Luyu’s door and found it locked. “Grandfather!”
It was a few minutes before she heard him coming up the stairs from the root cellar.
“Grandfather!”
“You’re home. Is it that late?”
“I need the key for the baby room.”
He patted his pockets absently, as if he didn’t know where the key might be hiding. He found it in the breast pocket of his flannel shirt. “You didn’t lock it this morning and she was out and into mischief. You can’t let her wander the house. She could get hurt.”
“She can’t just be locked in her room all day,” Nadie countered, going back and unlocking it. “She needs to play and learn. She needs to be around people and not by herself. You didn’t lock me in when I was a little girl. You played with me and took me with you everywhere.”
“You were not like Luyu. You did not get into trouble like she does.”
“She gets into trouble because you do not watch her.” Nadie opened the door. Luyu scampered toward the door and Nadie scooped her up. “Look, she’s like a puppy that’s been kenneled all day. She needs to play.”
Nadie pushed back Luyu’s messy hair to look at the bump on her head. The swelling had gone down some more.
Luyu pushed Nadie’s hand away and squirmed to be put down. “Hungry. Firsty.” Once on the floor, she grabbed Nadie’s hand and pulled her toward the kitchen.
“She gets plenty of time to play,” Grandfather said. “She’s not locked up the whole time you’re at school. Only when I need a break from watching her every second.”
Nadie didn’t argue the point any further. She knew she wasn’t going to get anywhere. “The social worker is going to take her away.”
“I told you, they always say that. They think it will scare you into raising children their way. Even if she tries to take Luyu away, her bosses won’t let it happen. Luyu will be fine.”
Nadie got food out for Luyu, her hands on auto-pilot. “You said you would get venison,” she nagged.
“And I will. You can’t expect me to be home playing with Luyu and out hunting at the same time.”
“We are going to be out of food. I will have to go to the neighbors to ask them for scraps.”
He glared at her. “You will not. We are planning a trip into town on Friday. Our food will hold until then.”
“Friday?” Nadie’s dark mood lifted a little. She still got as excited as a child about trips into town. Food. Books from the library. Maybe a few new clothes for Luyu. More thread for the blanket. “Is everybody going?”
He nodded. “Most of us.”
Luyu tapped on Nadie’s hand as Nadie spooned cold canned beans into Luyu’s bowl. “Town?” she repeated. “Town? Me?”
“Yes, Luyu too.” She ignored Grandfather’s glower. “We wouldn’t leave you here by yourself all day while we went into town.”
“You will have to watch her.”
“Yes. I will.”
Luyu ignored the spoon Nadie gave her, diving into the beans with both hands.
“Oh, you are a messy girl!” Nadie shook her head. “We need to do laundry. Especially once she is done. Would you put the clothes on her floor into the basket?”
He nodded and retreated. Nadie expected him to just retrieve the clothes and put them in the dirty laundry basket, but he came back to the kitchen.
“What…?” Nadie started.
He held up the shirt Nadie had put on Luyu when the social worker was there. Luyu hated any shirt other than her pony undershirt, but long sleeves were the worst. The shirt hung from Grandfather’s hand in long, ragged strips. Nadie went over for a closer look. It was torn to shreds. Nadie had no idea how Luyu could have torn the tough, stretchy material like that. She must have used her teeth.
“I guess I don’t need to wash that one! Add it to the rag box.”
Grandfather agreed.
“Father?”
Nadie turned at the unfamiliar voice from the direction of the bedrooms. They were already filled to overflowing; who else had Grandfather invited to stay?
“We’re in the kitchen,” Grandfather called back. “Come in here.” He looked at Nadie, a conspiratorial glint in his eye. “We have a special visitor today,” he told Nadie.
Special? With all of the people who came and went through the house, Nadie didn’t know what would make anyone special. Anyone who was important in the governing of the band had houses of their own. She hadn’t heard of anyone of importance visiting from a neighboring band. The nearest Indigenous settlement was hours away.
A woman came into the kitchen. She was older than Nadie, younger than Grandfather. Her face was vaguely familiar, but Nadie couldn’t put a name to her. She had obviously come from the city; she wore skinny red pants, a fresh, brightly colored shirt, and she was dripping with jewelry. Bangles on both wrists and ankles, big hoop earrings, a couple of necklaces, rings on her finger and toes, which Nadie could see because she wore sandals. Not sandals like old Eb would make, but white sandals from a women’s clothing store. Other than her face and hair, the woman looked completely non-Indigenous. A dark-skinned woman living a white woman’s life.
The woman stared at Nadie. Nadie looked away and focused on Luyu, trying to convince her to use a spoon instead of making a mess with her hands.
“Are you Nadie?” the woman asked.
Nadie nodded.
“This is Nicole,” Grandfather said.
Nadie nodded, and then something tickled in the back of her brain. She looked at Grandfather rather than at Nicole, waiting to be told.
“Your mother.”
Nadie looked searchingly at the woman’s face. Her memory had faded over the years. She remembered Nicole visiting once when Nadie was about five. But she couldn’t recall the face. It was completely foreign to her.
“Nadie, it’s so good to see you again,” Nicole gushed. She walked around the table to grab Nadie and give her a big hug. “Oh, my little girl! I can’t believe it. You’re taller than me.”
“That happens,” Grandfather agreed, with a low, rumbling laugh.
Nicole released Nadie from the hug, beaming. “It’s so good to see you again, Nadie. You’ve grown into a beautiful young woman.”
Nadie said nothing.
“Show your mother respect,” Grandfather prompted. “She came a long way to see you.”
“You are my mother,” Nadie told Grandfather. “You are the one who fed and clothed me and who took care of me. Not her.”
“I couldn’t,” Nicole protested. “Things were really messed up and I couldn’t take care of you. So Father did.”
“She’s still your mother,” Grandfather said. “She carried you inside her. She brought you into the world.”
“Anyone could do that.”
“Nadie!”
Nadie wet the rag beside the sink and started to wipe Luyu down. “Raising a child takes work. You have to be there.”
Nicole stood watching Nadie, her face sad.
“Grandfather can welcome whoever he likes into his home,” Nadie said. “I just hope you’ll give me a little space. Because you’re not my parent.”
“Nicole is in your room,” Grandfather announced. “Or actually, you’ve been living in hers.”
Nadie swallowed. “Fine. Of course she can sleep in her own room or whatever room you want to put her in. I’ll move in with Luyu.”
Luyu didn’t sleep well. She would be climbing over Nadie half the night. But Nadie didn’t want to be forced to sleep in the same room as the woman who had abandoned her. Nicole had never been a part of Nadie’s life. Nadie didn’t see the need to start a relationship now. They could be sisters, like the other women in the band and the nation were her sisters. But Nicole was not going to be Nadie’s mother.
Chapter Six
Sleeping on the floor was not easy. Neither was trying to sleep with Luyu still awake and wanting to play. Add on top of that Nadie’s excitement over going into town the next day, and she barely got a wink of sleep. She knew she was being a wimp about sleeping on the floor. Her people had slept outside on the ground for millennia. But her whole body was sore. Her joints ached and her back felt like it would never be unkinked again.
Nadie sat up, rubbing her eyes and groaning. Luyu crowed in delight and jumped on top of Nadie.
“Hello, sister,” she announced, burying her face in the smooth skin of Nadie’s neck and giving it a wet kiss. “Tân’si.”
The sounds were awkward in her mouth, but Luyu rarely attempted the words in her own traditional language.
“Good job!” Nadie told her, kissing her on the cheek. “Are you excited about going to town today? I am.”
“Town? Me?”
“Yes.”
Luyu plucked at the waist of her diaper. “Change.” It sounded more like ‘tane,’ but Nadie understood well enough.
“You going to lay still for me?”
Luyu shook her head.
Nadie laughed. “You won’t lay still while I change it?”
Luyu again shook her head in response.
Nadie went and got a fresh diaper and laid Luyu on the floor. Luyu squirmed while Nadie took off the soaked diaper but didn’t try to get up. She tapped Nadie’s hand and made a humming sound.
“Hmm? What?” Nadie asked.
Luyu kicked and tried to roll over. Nadie held her still. “Shh. Be still.” She hummed softly, and Luyu stilled, watching her face and making a little hum of her own.
“Good girl.”
Nadie dressed Luyu, reminding her she would have to keep her clothes on in town. It was always a challenge keeping her fully dressed outside of the house.
Nadie avoided Nicole and Grandfather and the others, focusing on getting Luyu fed and ready to go. It was unusual for everybody to be up first thing in the morning. Luyu’s head went back and forth continually, distracted by so many people. She barely even ate.
They assembled near Mouse’s house, everyone milling around and determining who was going to ride with whom. Not everyone had vehicles and the band didn’t want to have to use more gas than necessary to make the trip. Nadie managed to get in the same truck as Mouse, away from Grandfather and Nicole. Mouse’s eyes popped when she told him about Nicole showing up.
“Your mother?” he repeated. “I don’t think I’ve ever met your mother.”
Nadie nodded. “Exactly. If she thinks she can just show up and act like a parent to me…”
“Wow. What is she like?”
“I don’t know. Citified. Looks like a white woman. I don’t know what she’s doing here.”
“What did she say?”
Nadie thought about it for a minute, then shrugged. “I don’t know. I never asked. I didn’t really want to know anything. I just want her to go away again.”
“Why? Why don’t you get to know her?”
Nadie glared at him.
“What?” Mouse protested. “You might find you like her. I don’t know.”
“What if your father showed up? Would you want to get to know him?”
Mouse’s eyebrows went up, almost all the way under his doo-rag. “I don’t even know who that is.”
Nadie waited for him to think it through and answer her.
“I don’t know,” he finally admitted. “I never really thought about him.” He looked out the window at the scenery passing by. “I wonder what he’s like,” he mused.
Little Bird, one of the little boys, had a bad toothache. That was one of the reasons they needed to go into town. His mother and the medicine woman couldn’t do anything for him. He needed to see the dentist.
But when they got into town, Little Bird was crying. He shook his head and refused. “No, no, I don’t want to go!” he shouted. “I’m not going to the dentist!”
“But you have a toothache,” his mother said. “The dentist can make it feel better.”
