Shadowman (Alabaster Penitentiary Book 5), page 8
I haven’t slept in a while. I’m not certain how long it’s been…
When did I sniff that shit that tasted like dirt with Andres? At least a few days ago…
Every noise has me flinching, until finally the door opens.
“Hey…” Alice says, her smile strained.
I’m trying not to notice the concern in her eyes.
Pushing my way inside, I sniff. “Hey. Is your brother here?”
She doesn’t answer me, and when I spin to face her, she’s standing there with her arms folded over her chest. I lift a questioning brow, and she sighs. “No. He’s out with Tommy.”
“Who?” I rub my eyes.
“You know, the busboy from the restaurant.”
“Oh… right.” I have no idea who she’s talking about, but it doesn’t matter.
I can’t think. I feel itchy and twitchy, and I was really hoping he’d be here so I could grab something to sort me out.
Fuck fuck fuck. What am I gonna do now??
“Trevel… are you alri—”
“Do you know when he’ll be back?” I ask before she can go there, pacing circles around her living room.
I hear her sighing some more. “No. I don’t. Listen, I don’t like you hanging out with him. He’s a bad influence.”
Pausing my movements, I peek at her.
“Who made her the Queen of England?”
“Shut up,” I rumble at Leo. Alice’s face falls. She looks upset, and I squeeze my eyes shut in a hard blink. “Sorry, love. I’m just… stressed. It’s not a big deal… I have everything under control.”
Stepping up to her, I take her face in my hands, forcing her to look up at me. She’s much shorter without those killer heels she loves to wear.
“I’m worried about you,” she hums, her tone slithering its way inside my chest, in between the cracks and jagged pieces, wrapping around my decomposing heart. “You’ve been acting different the last few weeks… I’m not sure what happened, but I just hope you’re not, like, getting hooked on that shit, or—”
“Baby, I’m fine, I promise,” I tell her in the most assuring voice I can manage when I know bloody well it’s bullshit. I’m hanging on by a goddamn thread. “I can stop whenever I want.”
She gives me a look, but I ignore it, leaning in to kiss her lips softly, hoping to distract her from how obvious it is that I’m lying through my teeth. Unfortunately for both of us, it works. And the next thing I know, we’re in her bedroom, tearing off each other’s clothes.
Because despite how terrible I’ve been feeling for the last few months—since I was abandoned by the only person who’s ever truly understood me—there’s still one thing in my life that puts me at ease. Something that settles me better than the drugs…
She peeks up at me, deep brown eyes framed by long, dark lashes, sparkling with hope; the purest potential I’ve seen in them since that first day, when I finally worked up the courage to let her see me. After weeks of following her around, just watching her in fascination; such a beautiful creature, brokenness worn on the outside, like a badge of honor. I’ve been drawn to her since the moment I laid eyes on her, like a moth to her brightly burning flame.
That she asked me out was an undeserved miracle, because she’s entirely too good for me. But now that I have her, I should do whatever it takes to keep her. Rip out my own heart to keep her smiling. I feel infinitely stupid for ever fearing getting closer to her… Though I know in my heart she’s stupid for getting close to me.
I don’t want to hurt her… She’s perfect.
She tames the evil inside me. She’s the antidote to every bit of my darkness.
If ever there was a moment to tell her about my past, it would be now. She deserves to know the truth, to understand why I’ve been struggling. That there’s a reason when I pull away or act distant, and it has absolutely nothing to do with her.
I think she might be the only person left to help me overcome it… After the one who left me high and dry.
“What if she leaves too?” I blink. “You’re damaged, Trevel.”
Ultimately, I know he’s right. So I keep myself hidden, for her sake and mine.
Alice and I get dressed, and despite not getting the drugs I came for, I’m still floating on a dopamine cloud. I’m sure I can overcome the evil inside me… And I don’t need medication or therapy or Dr. Love to do it.
I just need her. A real partner in my corner.
But of course, my joy doesn’t last long. It takes barely a half-hour for the orgasm-high to fully wear off, and the next thing I know, I’m wound the hell up again and back to obsessing over my need for some serious narcotic assistance. I’m happy to be spending time with Alice, surely, I am… But in the back of my mind, I know the longer I hang out here, the more likely her brother will eventually show up. And then I can get my fix.
Fidgeting on the couch, I’m flicking through television channels, so quickly, there’s no way to tell which programs I’m passing. I’m just… doing it. In a trance, pressing the button over and over and over and over and over and—
“Baby, what’s wrong?” Alice’s melodious voice slinks into my ear at my side while I click click click on her remote, staring mindlessly at the screen. “Talk to me.”
Finally, I stop. My face slants slowly in her direction, and I blink at her beautiful, worried face.
She’s worried about me. She cares… for me.
My lips part.
“Don’t do it,” Leo warns from across the room where he’s smoking a cigarette, watching me. “I’m begging you…”
“I’m in therapy,” I confess, just a sliver of truth. A small piece… It’s all I’m comfortable giving.
I shoot Leo a look. He’s sighing out of relief. Chuffed, are we, mate??
Alice grins, taking my jaw in her hands. “Babe, that’s what you were worried about telling me? I would never judge anyone for seeking help. Shit, I’ve been in therapy since I was, like, fourteen…”
“It’s just… It’s a bit more complicated than that…” I rumble nervously. “Dr. Love—my psychiatrist—was something else. He was… like a breath of fresh air. So very different from all the others. He took pride in his work. In treating me. He actually… cared.” I stop and shake my head. “At least, I thought he did.”
“What happened to him?” Alice’s voice squeaks, full of intrigue. Compassion and wonder. “You’re speaking about him in past tense…”
My jaw tightens, and I scowl while Leo rolls his eyes. “Six weeks ago, he up and decided he was leaving. Pawned me off to some hack, and now he’s gone. The only person who’s ever known the real me…” I blink at Alice, and she back at me. “Until you, I mean.”
Her lashes flutter. Her wide eyes sparkle at me. She looks pleased…
I just wish it wasn’t tainted by the lies, and all of my many secrets.
Shifting in my seat, I cover my face with my hands. “I have issues, Alice. Lots of them. If I were you, I would run screaming—”
The words I’m grumbling into my palms are cut short when she takes my hands in hers and pulls them away. I peek at her, sincerely bewildered by the way she’s gazing at me, holding my hands tight. She’s not running away… In fact, she’s leaning in closer.
“My beautiful stranger…” she sighs over my mouth, her forehead dropping to rest on mine. “Thank you for telling me.”
She’s not afraid.
I can’t believe it. She’s not scared of me…
“She should be…”
I’m about to shoot him a glare when the door flings open. Alice and I pull apart as her brother stomps inside, followed by a guy I think I’ve seen before.
“Look at these two lovebirds,” Andres snorts, an air of hostility about him. He always has it, and I’m unclear if it’s just part of who he is, or if it’s something reserved for me.
Giving me a look I can’t read, he cocks his head to the side. Then he reaches into his pocket, pulling out a small ball of plastic filled with light brown powder. “I’ve got what you want.”
It’s odd how fast my mouth is watering, the tremble in my limbs changing from something pure to something mischievously sinister in seconds flat.
Eyes following the friend, I watch as he slumps down on the adjacent chair, dumping out a different-looking substance onto the coffee table. He begins fiddling with it, cutting it up into lines with what looks like his driver’s license.
Andres snaps his fingers in front of my face. “So whaddya think, loverboy? Want me to sort you out?”
He smirks, much more devilish than his sister, though it’s painfully apparent that they’re twins. Not identical, but still. The resemblance is there for sure, despite Alice’s femininity in her angles and Andres’s ruggedness. Honestly, he’s a bit scary. Aggressive and brash, with a darkness in his eyes, unlike his sister, who’s all light.
Andres is just such a man. I wish I didn’t find it as attractive as I do…
Either way, that doesn’t matter. I just want the drugs. That’s it.
Despite how good it feels to have Alice, someone beautiful, smart and kind, who loves me… I’m still broken. Overflowing with bad things she doesn’t know about. Things I don’t want to feel anymore.
I need to shut it up… All the noise.
I want to be numb again.
“Andres.” Alice says his name admonishingly. She seems like the older sibling, though they’re the exact same age. “It’s not a good time.”
“It’s always a good time to get high,” the friend says, sticking a rolled-up bill into his nose and leaning forward to snort a line of whatever he’s doing. Whipping his head back, he sniffs and wipes his nose before turning to Alice. “Want some?”
What’s he doing…? I might want some of that…
“I’m all set. Thanks,” she mutters, clearly annoyed.
“Come on, Sis,” Andres goads. “Live a little.”
She aims an irritated glare up at him before turning to me, still showing me that empathy and care she was giving me moments ago, before the dope fiends showed up. “Baby, I’m not sure it’s a good idea…” Her brows lift, like she wants me to understand the point she’s trying to get across.
Of course she’s right. Getting high is a crutch, and a dangerous one, at that. But I’m in a downward spiral that feels too good to ruin with rational thinking or consequences.
“It won’t help,” Alice says softly, only to me.
“I have to agree with the bird on this one,” Leo meddles.
My eyes flick to him before returning to my girlfriend. I pinch her chin between my fingers. “I think it will.” Placing a chaste kiss on her frown, I stand up. “Don’t worry, gorgeous. I’ll be fine. I always am.”
The last thing I see is her sad smile. My angel…
Unfortunately, the devil is much more tempting.
I follow Andres into the loo. I’m not really sure why… I assume it’s because we’re going to shoot it, and this is where he prefers to do that. But I’m behaving like such a raving junkie, I’m sure I’d follow him out onto a ledge at this point.
Inside, with the door closed, he turns to face me. But says nothing.
I lift a questioning brow. “Well?”
“Well yourself,” he snaps, gently. “I’m assuming you have no money…” I swallow hard. “So… you know how this works.”
I sigh and roll my eyes. “Fine. But remember our deal…” I drop to my knees and start opening his pants. “She never finds out.”
“You’re such a good boyfriend to my sister,” he croons sarcastically, grinning down at me while I pull his dick out.
“Fuck off,” I grunt. And then I’m sucking.
But it’s fine. It doesn’t mean anything.
I love Alice; I know that. This is just something I do, usually as a form of currency. I suppose I can admit that it also happens because I’m a terribly destructive person who can’t seem to resist hot, toxic fuckboy dick.
What can I say? I have a deeply rooted need to self-sabotage.
I was raised keeping secrets. And despite knowing how good it feels to tell the truth from time to time, I find myself chasing it down… The high that comes from hiding things. Doing fucked-up shit and keeping it from people on purpose.
I wish I wasn’t like this, but I can’t help it. It’s an addiction, stronger than any of my others.
Knowing that my girlfriend—someone who loves and cares for me—is on the other side of that door, while I’m in here with her brother’s fist in my hair and his cock jamming at my tonsils… It’s a delectable ache, and the more I try to thwart it, the more I crave it.
Even Dr. Love, as much as he used to advocate for me, knew that I was incapable of truly changing who I am. I could pretend I was getting better all I wanted, but deep down, I always knew it was pointless.
I’m a monster. Plain and simple.
I don’t believe I would hurt Alice physically. But clearly, I am more than capable of slaughtering her emotionally.
Regret weaves through my extremities, but it’s too late for all that. Because her twin brother is coming in my mouth, holding my head in place so I have no choice but to swallow.
When he’s done, I stand up on shaky legs, and he sighs, tucking himself away. “Fuck yea… That mouth is fucking lethal.”
Pushing me up against the sink, he kisses me, and I’m a little confused. I’ve been under the impression that Andres is straight, and he simply learned from a few minor stints in prison that when it comes to getting off, all mouths essentially feel the same. But now he’s biting on my lips and tonguing my tongue, and it feels… different.
Worse, because I’m certain that if it keeps growing like this, Alice will eventually find out. And she’ll be crushed.
I have to put my obsessing on pause, though, because Andres has stopped kissing me and is now taking out needles and tying up my arm.
The devil twin shoots me up, whispering wicked words in my ear… Touching me all over while my eyes roll back.
And I fall, willingly, into the depths of evil.
Shockingly, O’Malley only got one day in solitary for the cellphone incident. Still, the second he comes shuffling back into our shared cell, it’s apparent that it was a pretty shitty one.
But I don’t feel bad for him. Not even slightly.
That was all his doing. He made the executive decision to taunt Brenner and his butt-buddy Linetti, knowing full well that they’re both extremely short-tempered assholes who get off on watching inmates suffer. And, he did so while also exposing the cellphone that Ren went out of his way to get and give to me. It was his choice to be stupid, and he should have to deal with the consequences of his actions.
Not to mention, he put us all at risk. Because the guards aren’t as dumb as they look. They know O’Malley doesn’t exactly have the wherewithal to procure a cellphone himself. So who are they going to look at?
His stupid friends.
This is the exact shit I voice to him as soon as he returns.
“What the fuck is your problem, anyway?” I bark at him, pacing around the cell while he just sits on my bunk, hands folded in his lap like he’s being scolded by a parent. “I mean, are you just that fucking certifiable??” He shrugs, and I stop, bending to line our faces. “No… You’re selfish, that’s what you are.”
He frowns. “That ain’t—”
“Not only did you lose something we hadn’t even had the chance to use yet,” I cut him off, “something we never fucking get in here… But you also put us, your friends, at risk! I swear to God, it’s like you don’t care about us at all.”
“Yo, mate, it’s not like that…” he mutters, finally seeming remorseful.
“Yes, it is,” I huff firmly, straightening and running my fingers through my hair. “I would never do something like that to you.”
“Aw, yea, big brother Byron is fookin’ perfect!” he growls. “Must be nice to be a goddamn celebrity in prison! You, Luthor, Ren… yer all the fookin’ golden boys. Meanwhile, yer tapped fookin’ friend is the black sheep! The one everybody hates…” He grabs two fistfuls of his hair and starts yanking it visibly hard. Hard enough to rip it out. Smacking himself in the face over and over. “No one understands… I know I’m a worthless screwup, alright?? I know that… Yeh don’t have to rub it in!”
Staring at him, I watch his little meltdown closely, feeling the tiniest twinge of empathy. I know I’m not responsible for the way he feels. He’s a tornado of destruction, and he should have to deal with that, like the rest of us do.
At the same time, I understand where he’s coming from…
I was the black sheep of my family. The disappointment. I felt unseen in my own home, like he did. Granted, I never would’ve thought to harm any of them because of it, especially if I’d had a younger sibling, like O’Malley did…
I’ve never actually thought about killing someone in a way that wasn’t completely abstract. Certainly not an innocent child. It’s unfathomable.
But still, the reason I’ve bonded with Kieran is the rest of it. Being perpetually invisible.
And what he doesn’t understand is that I still feel that way now. Even here, with the occasional attention from Joy, and the inmates who sorta look up to me. With Luthor and Ren…
I’m still in the shadows. Begging to be pulled out.
Sighing out hard, I plop down next to him. “You know I’m not like that. I feel left out all the time…”
With them.
I don’t say the words, because I hate how they make me sound, to myself more than anything. Like I’m a whiny third wheel, a desperate, dejected prop in their epic, toxic love story. But that doesn’t stop me from feeling it sometimes. Okay, most of the time.
Always a supporting role… Never a lead.
When’s it gonna be my turn?
Kieran looks up at me, nodding, as if he understands. “You know I didn’t tell ’em anything, yeah? About the phone… where it came from.”
I nod in response. I know he wouldn’t do that. But it doesn’t matter.
