Suburban Warlock: A Slice of Life Fantasy, page 13
‘Looks like it took a bath in a pink factory,’ Glok spoke after a couple moments, taking a heavy drag on his cigar.
‘That may be one of your weakest lines to date,’ Javvik spoke dryly.
‘Gimme a minute and I’ll come up with a better one.’
‘I think I can accommodate such a being,’ Surani remarked. ‘Just as long as it stays up there.’
‘It’s perpetual, so it’ll stay up there keeping watch 24/7,’ I said. ‘If it gives you any trouble, just let me know.’
I placed my hands upon the seal and opened up the permissions.
‘Let’s see,’ I muttered to myself. ‘Here we go. Attack and defense autonomy activated.’
With the permissions in place, I headed back upstairs, climbed out the window and heaved myself onto the sloped roof with the drone.
‘Okay, coming in hot,’ I called down. ‘Let’s see if she’s got an appetite for destruction.’
I set the drone off from the rooftop. Before the attached camera could even get into focus, the pixie-demon caught sight of it.
Her expression immediately turned to one of rage, and she raced towards the drone. The drone’s spinning blades didn’t even have a chance to wound the demon; it ripped the drone apart with its claws and its teeth, sending the pieces clattering to the yard below.
Once it was destroyed, the smile appeared on the demon-pixie’s face again, and it danced upon the air over the yard like nothing had happened.
‘Was that supposed to happen?’ Javvik asked.
‘That was exactly what I wanted to happen,’ I replied. ‘In fact, that went better than I could have hoped.’
Chapter 21
Yard Work
With the backyard security problem resolved, I turned my attention to the front yard.
Magic could solve a lot of modern problems, but I didn’t want my lawn to be one of them. I could have even used a lower-level form of Quell Plant from my Handyman Magic tome, but where was the fun in that? I couldn’t use the spell in my backyard because of my agreement with Surani, and I didn’t want to use it out front because of a completely different feeling.
Maybe it was the primal need that a man had to take care of a patch of land, no matter how big or small, but it was a small dream that I had always wanted a slice of.
I followed the Sinful Sweets recipe at the back of the smoothie book on my window ledge and brewed up some bittersweet lemonade with plenty of ice in a jug, setting it on the porch table and pouring myself a glass.
I drank a few generous gulps of the cool, sweet drink.
Yep. This might just be the life.
I donned a white vest and an equally old pair of jeans and headed to the front yard with the mower. It took a few sharp tugs on the cord to get it started, but when it finally caught, the small engine purred with the same satisfaction of a classic car.
Speaking of, that gorgeous red coupe, the Ivasaar Virhana, was missing from next door’s driveway, just as it had been during most of the mornings and afternoons when I had been out and about or looking out my window.
I still had no idea who lived next door beyond the smoking hot silhouette that had gone wandering by the window a few nights ago. Who was she? A housewife, maybe? I hadn’t seen anybody else coming and going from the mini mansion neighboring my own.
And if that was the case, why wasn’t there an SUV parked on the drive? I guessed that it could have been parked in the garage, but still, it was weird that I hadn’t seen it.
I made my way across the lawn, rolling back and forth in careful rows that I took more pride in than I’d like to admit. I finished one side of the path, pushing right to the sidewalk and emptying the basket of grass a couple times, stopped for a drink, then finished the other side.
After completing my yard work, I put the mower away and crossed to the sidewalk to look at the lawn and my house. It all looked straight out of a picture, and it was all mine.
‘Yeah,’ I smiled, ‘This really is the dream.’
Just as I said the words, a strange, steady rumbling sounded right behind me.
‘What is that…?’
Quentin and his traveling delivery table phased to life right on the sidewalk, sending my heartrate doubling again.
‘You’ve certainly got a nervous disposition, Mr. Morelian,’ Quentin spoke.
‘Do I?’ I nodded dryly as he handed me my copy of the Bright Tribune. ‘I guess I’m getting used to the guy who keeps appearing at the end of my yard. You want some lemonade?’
‘I’m fine, thank you.’
‘No worries.’ I nodded over at the house next door. ‘By the way, you got any idea who lives there?’
‘Regrettably I’m not at liberty to reveal information about my clients,’ he spoke formally.
‘But do you know?’
‘Not a clue, but like I said, I wouldn’t tell you if I did.’
‘But how can you not know? A guy like you making daily deliveries, I thought you’d have a better inside track than even the most dedicated of local window cleaners.’
‘Because they’re never there.’
‘Whoever lives there doesn’t even seem to sleep. If it weren’t for the car coming and going, I’d be convinced it was abandoned.’
‘In my experience, it’s often the case that all suburban houses seem the same on their surface, but those behind their doors are often very different. I imagine the same could be said about you, hm?’
I stared Quentin down. He stared straight back, but I doubted that it was for the same reason… Was it?
Did he know something about me?
‘Who’ve you been talking to?’ I asked.
‘Nobody,’ he smiled, ‘but I know that everybody has something to hide. Likely you as well, considering how you’ve reacted. Fortunately the one thing you’ve discovered about me today is that I say nothing of which I learn during my work.’
‘… Point taken,’ I nodded.
‘Indeed,’ he smiled, ‘have a nice day, sir.’
Quentin continued on with his day, as did I. That was the kind of service that I was fine with.
After finishing off the lawn and the bittersweet lemonade, I got a shower, changed my clothes and rode across town on my bike to pick up Sophie from work.
‘How’d today go?’
‘Another day doing what I love,’ she smiled, climbing on behind me. ‘I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t distracted.’
‘By what?’
‘What do you think?’
‘It wasn’t exactly something I could easily forget,’ I agreed, kissing her soft lips over my shoulder.
‘Me neither…’
Back at my place, Sophie and I couldn’t get upstairs to my master bedroom fast enough.
‘So this is where the magic happens,’ she laughed, ‘Hopefully I can make your bedroom a little more comfortable.’
I wanted to drop a witty comeback, but I didn’t need one. The sight of the beautiful, perfect blonde lying on my bed, biting her lip as she looked me up and down, was the start of everything that I had ever wanted.
‘Question,’ she spoke, sitting up.
‘Shoot.’
‘What’s your opinion on eating in bed?’
‘I’ve eaten in some places that are totally unimaginable. Eating in bed is the last thing that bothers me – but I still try and keep things clean. I don’t want to fall into any bad habits.’
‘Then let’s order something a little healthier that won’t make a mess, and it’ll be here in… A half-hour?’
‘I think I can manage that,’ I said, pulling out my phone and picking up a few things from a pizza place in town. ‘Half an hour until delivery.’
‘Half an hour,’ Sophie smiled, getting up from the bed and sliding past me towards my en-suite bathroom, undoing her dress and letting it fall to her ankles on the way, exposing her incredible figure and the black set of underwear beneath. ‘Plenty of time…’
We headed into the bathroom together and pulled away each other’s clothes, quickly moving beneath the water of the shower. Sophie turned on the sauna setting, and in moments we were surrounded by hot steam as we enjoyed each other.
Just running my hands over the beautiful blonde’s curves was enough to drive me crazy.
I massaged soap over her breasts, indulging in the paradoxically firm softness of her incredible curves before trailing down her toned stomach.
Sophie closed her eyes and tilted her head back, her mouth falling open at my touch as I ran my hands all over her body.
She turned to face me, biting her lip intensely and gazing into my eyes.
We moved to the shower wall where the truly flawless blonde pressed herself up against it beneath the hot, steaming water and ushered me to her. I entered her slowly as we each panted with anticipation, more for the sheer touch of each other than anything else.
Wildness went out the window; all we wanted was to hold each other close in the rising warmth and steam, to run our lips over each other.
I could feel every part of her, the tightening of her figure as she pulled me to her, her approaching orgasm rising as mine did too.
‘I’ve never felt like this with a guy before,’ she whispered into my ear, ‘You have no idea how good you feel, Trent…’
Her words were like nectar, driving a desire within me for this woman that I had rarely felt in the past with many other women.
The slowness of our motions only served to tease us both towards our shared climax. When it finally arrived, we both came with so much intensity that we had to stay close to the wall to hold ourselves upright.
For a minute after the enthralling sensation subsided, we both held each other close.
‘Fuck…’ She breathed, ‘I can’t believe I went all day without that…’
I ran my lips over Sophie’s cheek and to hers as we kissed longingly beneath the water.
The front doorbell faintly rang.
‘Excellent timing,’ Sophie whispered, laughing lightly as she caught her breath.
‘It would be if I wasn’t naked in the shower with you.’
‘You were a badass dungeon clearer,’ she smiled, ‘Surely you can move fast, can’t you?’
‘It’s not the moving fast part that’s tough,’ I smiled, ‘It’s pulling myself away from you.’
I couldn’t get enough of her.
I dried off and pulled on some clothes faster than I ever had in my life, returning a minute later with the delivery.
Sophie had already dried off and was lying on the bed wearing nothing but a towel around her hair.
‘So eating takeout in bed is good in your book,’ she said, ‘What about eating takeout naked in bed? Am I plumbing new depths this time?’
‘When you look like that, I’ll let it pass,’ I smiled. ‘If it wasn’t for this food I’d want you again right now…’
‘Finish it off and you can have me as many times as you want,’ she whispered.
I had pulled shifts clearing out mobs in dungeon floors that made me look like a monster from an old 1950s movie, and with how delicious this food was, I would likely end up looking ravenous any time soon.
The afterword of our lovemaking was all talk, though; by the time the beautiful blonde and I had finished our takeout, we were both practically on the verge of a collective food coma anyway.
We lounged atop the soft sheets as the TV played in the background. Sophie got comfortable next to me, pressing her incredible figure up to my side in the warm seclusion of my bedroom as we drifted off.
Chapter 22
Air Trespassing
Sophie took off early the next day to get some work done while I tended to a few errands, including cleaning the house and rearranging a few pieces of furniture.
If there was one thing I was learning about suburban life besides the beautiful women and the awesome food, it was that the free time available to me now meant I could think about things like furniture placement.
I wanted the place to look nice, sure, but after three different variations of my couches around the coffee table-
‘I must be going crazy.’
I poured myself some coffee and forgot about it.
I headed into the backyard to see Surani among the towering grass, bringing another hug of bitter lemonade with me. The familiar I had purchased from Horned Practicalities was still flying in repetitive circles above the yard, looking happier than ever. These things didn’t need sleep; it was exercising their protectiveness that fueled them, and judging by the pieces of drone scattered around my yard, it was doing its job right.
‘Excellent addition with that creature of yours,’ the wood-nymph spoke. ‘She’s already proving her worth.’
‘How so?’
‘She took down one of those flying devils that frequent the skies around here not 20 minutes ago. What’s that?’ She nodded to the jug in my hand.
‘My creative solution to not drinking in the afternoon.’
‘You don’t drink in the afternoon?’
‘Alcohol, I mean. With how much free time I’ve got, I really don’t want to end up like some bored suburban house wife knocking down a glass of wine every other hour…’
‘Can I have some?’
I poured the wood-nymph a glass and handed it to her. She flexed her jaw at the sourness and smacked her lips at the lingering sweetness.
‘Mm…’ She nodded. ‘That is admittedly very nice. It seems I may have made an error of judgement staying away from the outer world for so long… Anyway, what are you doing here? Don’t you have adventuring to do? I need my staff.’
‘I’ll start working on that,’ I sighed, ‘Just as soon as you tell me the location of the key to the hidden hoard, and the location of the hoard itself. Otherwise I can’t get anything done.’
‘I already told you,’ she spoke, ‘Neath an oak bowed east, its-
‘Leaves scattered with red and green,’ I finished for her. ‘One, that’s way too vague, and two, it doesn’t even get us started on the location of the staff and the artifacts. That’s just the location of the key.’
The wood-nymph scowled at me before crossing her arms in defeat. ‘It’s not my fault my memory has faded a little.’
‘I know,’ I replied in understanding, cooling off a little, ‘but that doesn’t help me. In the meantime, how about I tidy this place up just a little?’
‘It’s perfectly tidy! You civil folks are always so obsessed with taming the wilds.’
‘I-’
I was about to go on another ill-decided rant about it being my property when a knock came at the front door.
‘I’ve got to get that – to be continued.’
‘Oh, I’ll be waiting.’
The fun thing about the wood-nymph? Everybody already knew that she was here. I didn’t have anything to hide… Besides the whole dungeon situation.
I hurried through the house and promptly answered the door, expecting it to be Sophie.
So imagine my disappointment when I found myself face to face with a scrawny Lycan guy in his mid-twenties brandishing a remote control, plus a passive-aggressive pissed-off expression on his face.
‘Can I help you?’
‘Uh, yeah, you can.’ He tapped his foot on the ground and stared at me expectantly.
‘This is the part where you talk,’ I prompted.
‘I’m looking for my drone.’
‘Okay…?’
‘I lost it around here, and I know that wood-nymph has her nest in your backyard, and that she’s known to pull down drones from the air.’
‘So let me get this straight,’ I nodded sarcastically, ‘If you knew that a wood-nymph was around here, why fly your drone this way? Don’t you think that’s tempting fate, playing with fire, whatever expression you want to use?’
‘I want it back.’
‘I’m just trying to do some gardening, and for some reason I’ve got two morons stopping me…’
‘You calling me a moron? I have a masters in enchanted robotics.’
‘I’ll bet,’ I replied.
‘It was you, wasn’t it!’ The Lycan accused, ‘You’re the one who did it.’
‘Technically it was the very territorial familiar patrolling my yard, not the wood-nymph living in it. She’s something of a pain in the ass, that I’ll agree with you on, but you’re outdoing her tenfold. Now, why don’t you just take your controller and wander back to wherever you came from?’
‘I am an enthusiast!’
‘And I’m a guy who enjoys chilling out without some asshole flying his drones over my property.’
‘I have every right to fly it wherever I want, even in a residential area!’
‘And I have every right to protect my property with the use of territorial defenses, just like in the old days of the land,’ I nodded dryly, leaning against my doorway. ‘Will there be anything else?’
‘Yeah – you’ll give me your name so I can file a claim against you. I want compensation.’
‘Look, I know you’re upset, but I know zoning laws better than you, believe me on that one. I also reserve the right to remove people from my property after they’ve come to it uninvited, and after I’ve informed them that they’re unwelcome. You were uninvited, and right now I’m informing you that you’re also unwelcome.’
‘Think you’re real tough, huh?’ He scoffed. 'You can’t use your magic around here.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean I know who you are. You’re that warlock people have been talking about.’
That caught my attention.
‘Oh, yeah? What have they been saying?’
‘Not much, but if you did anything to me, I know what they would say.’
Never once in my entire life had I felt a desire to use the words do you know who I am?
But this asshole was starting to make me realize how easily normal people could lose their shit.
I wasn’t one to rise to the occasion, but I just wanted rid of this guy.
‘So you’re definitely not going anywhere?’ I asked.
