Stand Up Guy, page 26
We stop and turn.
She half-raises her hand in the air as if she’s in class. ‘I think you’re telling the truth as well.’
‘So do I,’ Tess pipes up, following Becca’s lead. ‘And I think Sal’s the one who should leave, not you, Lea.’
‘Are you freaking kidding me?’ Sal explodes. ‘You’re going to take their word over mine?’
‘I am,’ says Becca. ‘Because everything Lea said sounded true, and I don’t think she’s someone who’d lie. That account of what happened at George Square Gardens had you written all over it, Sal.’
‘So? She’s been around me enough to know how I talk.’
‘No.’ Becca shakes her head. ‘There’s no way Lea could have dreamed up something so reminiscent of things I’ve heard you say in the past. Also, you know I’ve always wondered why Maria and Holly ghosted us after I welcomed them into our group. Both times I thought I’d done something wrong, but it was you. You didn’t like them, so you decided they had to go, and you made sure we knew nothing of it.’
‘Becca, for God’s sake,’ Sal spits. ‘That’s complete and utter—’
‘Don’t you dare gaslight my best friend,’ Tess cuts across Sal with a menacing tone I’d never have thought her capable of. ‘You’ve always called the shots, which puts you in the perfect position to abuse our trust. Everything from where we go on holiday to the decision to cut all ties with the guys—’
‘They treated us like shit.’ Sal throws her hands up frustratedly. ‘I was protecting us.’
‘Your first statement is true. Your second isn’t. That’s more than clear now. It should have been mine and Becca’s decision, but you played things so we were left with no choice.’
‘You did,’ Becca backs Tess up.
‘It’s time to go, Sal,’ says Tess. ‘There’s no room at this table for someone so bitter and selfish and… deceitful.’
Sal is so shocked by this unexpected ambush that she’s spluttering like a broken-down vehicle. The whole pub is also watching this scene play out, and it’s clear that Sal is mortified by this. Snatching up her handbag and jacket, she nearly topples her chair as she vacates the table without saying anything further. Then as she passes me, she hisses: ‘You’d better watch your back.’
‘You try anything with Lea and the police will be involved,’ Shep calls after her. ‘There are multiple witnesses to that threat.’
The door slams behind Sal, and suddenly it’s like I can’t breathe. Big fat tears crowd my eyes, before galloping down my cheeks.
‘Hey, you’re OK.’ Shep guides me to the nearest table to sit down, while at the same time asking the barperson to bring some water. ‘You did it. You stood up to her and you’ve done those two a favour.’ He jabs his thumb in the direction of Becca and Tess, who are making their way over to us.
‘I can’t believe I did that.’ I wipe my eyes with my sleeve. ‘I’m so glad she didn’t see this.’
‘It’s just adrenaline and overwhelm. A perfectly natural reaction.’
‘Lea, OMG, you were immense there!’ Tess swoops in and hugs me tight. ‘I can’t believe you did that.’
‘Neither can I.’ I glug at the glass of water that’s just been handed to me.
‘That was incredibly brave.’ Becca appears on the other side of me and strokes my hair. ‘Thank you for doing that.’
I look up at her with pained eyes. ‘I feel like I should be apologising to you. I just hurled a bowling ball through your friendship group.’
‘No way. You’ve just opened our eyes to something we should have seen well before now. I’ve been very uncomfortable with Sal’s behaviour for a long time.’
‘Me too,’ says Tess.
‘You have?’ Becca looks at her in disbelief. ‘I knew you found her a bit much at times, but didn’t think you had any major issue with her.’
‘Guess I thought the same about you, so I didn’t say anything. We obviously gave her a far longer leash than we should have – perhaps because we were both a bit intimidated by her and had no clue as to the extent of her bad behaviour—’
‘Well, none of that matters now, I guess.’ Becca brings a very guilty-looking Tess to a halt with her soothing tone. ‘I’m just so glad we didn’t lose Lea like the others.’ She turns her attention to me. ‘I’d been wondering why you hadn’t been in touch. By the way, are you two…?’ She hesitates, unsure whether to finish her sentence.
‘We are.’ I grin at her, then at Shep. ‘And he’s staying.’
‘Amazing!’ Tess and Becca whoop and jump up and down simultaneously, and we all laugh.
‘This is something to celebrate.’ Tess claps her hands with glee. ‘Becca, come help me get a bottle of fizz and some glasses.’
We share a group hug and then they head to the bar together, chatting animatedly, no doubt debriefing on what’s just happened.
‘Seems you’re a bit of a hero.’ Shep sits down and slips a reassuring arm around me, allowing me to cuddle into him. ‘I’m so proud of you, you know.’
‘I couldn’t have done it without your support,’ I murmur, as he kisses me softly on the top of my head and I breathe in his scent.
‘Who can do something as scary as that without knowing someone’s got their back? It takes a lot of guts.’
‘I suppose you’re right. Well, thank you anyway, for being here and for… being you. I’m so happy we’re back together.’
He lifts my chin with his finger to make eye contact with me. ‘Me too. We’ll make this work, I promise.’
I smile at him. ‘That, I want more than anything, Ciaran.’
He gives a light chuckle as he clocks that I’ve used his actual name for the first time, then he kisses me properly, while a two-person cheer breaks out from behind us.
Epilogue
The following August
‘Are you ready for your paid Fringe debut, Mr Shepperd?’ I pluck a chip from the cardboard container he’s holding and pop it in my mouth, savouring the delicious crunchiness.
‘Am I ever.’ Shep looks like the comedian that got the cream as he lounges casually on the bench we’ve commandeered in the Pleasance Courtyard. ‘I was made for this, Lea.’
‘Damn right, you were. I’m so excited that you’re performing here – at one of the most well-known Fringe venues.’
‘It’s certainly a step up on last year, isn’t it?’
‘I’ll say. It’s got a real stage and everything. Between this and your other shows and having an agent now, that invite for Live at the Apollo must be just around the corner.’
‘Slow down, would you? It’s a big leap going from gigs of a few hundred people to that.’ Despite giving me this reality check, Shep seems unable to hide his grin at the possibility.
‘Nah, I’d rather dream big for you.’ I angle my face at the evening sun, enjoying its warmth. ‘You’re the funniest person I’ve seen doing stand-up. Why wouldn’t they want you on their stage?’
‘Remember you’re biased. You laughed this morning when I said I was gonna take a shower.’
‘It was the way you said it. And also, what you did before that when we were—’
‘You gonna tell the whole courtyard about our sex life?’ He raises an eyebrow at me.
Looking around, I notice a few people glancing in our direction, possibly having recognised Shep from his picture on his show posters. ‘Oops, fair point.’
He sits forward and stretches his upper body.
‘Right, sexy lady, it’s forty minutes until curtain-up. Time for me to get in the zone.’ He plants a kiss on my lips and hands me the remainder of the tray of chips. ‘Enjoy the sunshine.’
I wave him off with a bright smile, then as soon as he’s out of sight, I ditch the chips in a bin and make my way across to the front entrance of the venue. To my delight, I see that I’m the first in the queue, so hopefully my plan will work.
* * *
Thirty-five minutes later, I’m parked on one of the fold-down seats in the smallish theatre space. It’s a very different set-up to the venue where Shep performed last year, in that it’s purpose-built and the seats are accessed from the right-hand side of the room via a set of steps that run down to the stage. I’ve picked the seat which is slap bang in the middle of the front row.
‘How long do you think it will take him to notice us?’ Tess, who’s sitting to my left, taps her fingers together excitedly.
My face spreads into a mischievous smile. ‘I expect not long.’
‘I hope we don’t put him off,’ says Becca, who’s on the other side of Tess.
‘No chance of that,’ I reply with complete confidence, my eyes fixed on the stage.
Moments later, the lights go down and the audience behind us whisper and giggle in anticipation.
‘Ladies and gentlemen, can I please ask you to give a warm Edinburgh welcome to… Shep!’
We applaud enthusiastically as the most important person in my life bounds out onto the stage, grabs the mic and paces back and forth, scanning his audience in his characteristic way. He has a broad grin plastered on his face, which becomes wider still as he takes in the sight in front of him. Then his eyes land on me, and I mouth, ‘I love you.’
‘Good evening, how’re you all doing? It’s great to see you,’ he booms. ‘Thanks for coming to my very first show of this year’s Fringe.’
There’s another smattering of applause and a cheer from the back of the room.
‘Thank you, that’s very kind.’ He puts his hands together in an appreciative gesture while still clutching the mic. ‘So, this is my second year here at the Fringe, and my first not having to shake a bucket and beg for money after my shows.’
‘Go on, son!’ catcalls another audience member.
‘Thanks, mate. You seem more pleased about that than I am,’ Shep acknowledges the overenthusiastic punter with a chuckle. ‘No… I am pleased, I’m chuffed to bits to be back. I just got distracted for a second there… because… you know how people who have near-death experiences describe their lives flashing in front of their eyes? Well, something similar has just happened. Walking out on stage there, I was checking out the bait in the first two rows – you know, as us comedians do… and literally every person I know is sat in those seats.’
Looking behind me, I can see Shep’s audience sharing baffled expressions.
‘I’m not kidding you,’ he continues. ‘I thought for a second I was experiencing some bizarre psychological phenomenon, but they’re all here in the flesh, like some weird-ass trip down memory lane. Look, these are my folks… my brother and sister… my girlfriend’s folks…’ He points to each of them in turn. ‘My mates from back home near Belfast… All right, lads? Beers later, yeah? My mates from Edinburgh… the pub owner from last year’s Fringe venue… my postman… my urologist…’
There’s a ripple of laughter and Shep zones in on one poor unsuspecting audience member.
‘Lady in the red T-shirt there, you look confused. Do you not know what a urologist is?’
I crane my neck to spot who he’s talking to and see the woman shake her head.
Shep gestures to the man sitting next to her. ‘It’s the doctor that looks up his pee-pee when he can’t do a wee-wee.’
The woman assumes a mortified expression and embarrassed laughter peals through the room.
‘Obviously, I’m kidding. My urologist isn’t here…’ Shep shakes his head with a smile. ‘He’s coming tomorrow night.’
The audience snickers and a few people clap at this.
‘So, there you all are…’ He does a visual sweep across the front two rows. ‘Looking very pleased with yourselves, aren’t you? I’m guessing this mind fuck is the work of my girlfriend, Lea. Here she is, everyone.’
To my embarrassment, he steps down off the stage and gets me to stand up, face blazing, while the rows and rows of people cheer and whistle.
‘Thank you, I’m sure Lea will appreciate that, especially as she’s now barred from this show. Security?’ Shep gives me a quick kiss – which receives a collective ‘aww’ from the audience – before returning to the stage.
‘Who am I kidding, talking like I have security?’ he continues. ‘I had to get a loan to even be here. Anyway, as you’ve hopefully gathered by now, I’m Shep, the bloke who robbed you of your hard-earned cash so I can repay that loan and entertain myself by manipulating you like puppets for an hour…’
He settles into his new routine, which I’ve heard parts of when he’s practised his delivery on me. I think it’s safe to say that this show, which again has audience participation as a key feature, is going to be an even bigger hit than last year’s. He takes us through a rollercoaster ride that includes everything from good-natured personal humiliations to collective gasps and side-splitting laughter. The hour goes by so quickly, I’m disappointed when he wraps things up and it comes to an end.
After we’ve filed out of the venue into the courtyard outside, I chat away to our family and friends, with one eye on the backstage exit, until I see him appear through the door. Spotting me immediately, he beckons for me to join him, and I lollop across, wincing in case I’m in trouble.
‘Am I really barred from future performances?’ I ask with a sweet smile.
‘Of course you’re not.’ He slips one arm around me, tucks a lock of hair behind my ear and looks at me meaningfully. ‘That was the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for me. I honestly can’t thank you enough. Later, when it’s just you and me, I want to hear exactly how you pulled that off, but for now, just one question: how the hell did you get my family over here? I know you’ve been working on them these last months, but that’s like taming a crash of rhinos. Look at them, they’re actually smiling.’
I glance across at his mum, dad and siblings, and adopt a shifty expression. ‘I might have been bombarding them a bit.’
‘Meaning?’
‘Covertly filming your shows and sending them the footage… sending them links to positive local media coverage… that kind of thing.’
‘Wow.’ Shep looks stupefied by this. ‘You genuinely are the best person in the world.’
‘I know.’ I shrug angelically. ‘Anyway, I think you need to put me down and go see your adoring fans.’
‘Do I have to?’ he complains, while kissing me and nuzzling my neck.
‘Yes. Go see yours and I’ll go see mine.’
I look over at Becca, Tess and Tanya. They’re standing with Tanya’s husband, John, and Byron, the infamous band member with whom Becca reunited a few weeks after Sal was banished from our friendship group. He’s actually a lovely bloke, who’s nothing like Sal made him out to be.
It’s as if they can feel my eyes on them, because they suddenly look back at us with a range of smiles and waves. Tess even makes a little heart with her fingers and holds it to her chest.
‘They really do adore you,’ says Shep. ‘As do I – for being generally amazing and for helping me get to this.’ He gazes around him contentedly while giving me an affectionate squeeze.
‘And I’m forever grateful to you for helping me find such wonderful friends.’
‘We make a good team, don’t we?’
‘The best.’ I smile up at him with loving eyes. ‘I can’t wait to see what life has in store for us, because with you by my side, I feel I can conquer anything.’
‘Right back at you.’
Holding hands, we wander across to our people, and as they encircle us, laughing and joking and congratulating Shep on his performance, I can’t help thinking back to this time a year ago, when I felt so isolated and alone. It still seems almost inconceivable that just twelve months on, I’m surrounded by so much love and friendship, and I know I’m the luckiest woman in the world.
Acknowledgements
Stand Up Guy brings together several things that I love in life: the wonderful city of Edinburgh, stand-up comedy, writing (I especially enjoy creating the banterous dialogue between my characters) and, of course, love itself. There are few things in this world that are as natural and beautiful as two people falling head over heels for each other, and this book continues a theme I’ve threaded through my other published novels, which is that everyone deserves to have love in their lives (even Sal, though I think she needs to work on herself a bit first).
When I started writing Stand Up Guy, I was really excited by the concept of a ‘meet cute’ between an Edinburgh citizen and a visiting comedian – that was, until I realised I’d have to write some stand-up comedy. The idea that someone might read it and say ‘Pah! That’s not funny at all!’ was quite daunting. But then someone close to me pointed out that, of course there would be people who didn’t find it funny, just like not everyone likes the same books or movies or even stand-up comedians. That made me feel a whole lot better.
As well as having comedy at its heart – quite literally in this case – and like all of my published novels so far, Stand Up Guy includes some more poignant themes that are reflective of real life. This time: loneliness and bullying. I won’t labour the point here, but I do want to mention that these are areas that I have personal experience with, and I expect that there are many others out there who can relate. What I wanted to do was cover these topics in a way that might help my readers get a glimpse of what it feels like to be in a situation such as Lea’s – perhaps even get a sense that they’re not alone if they’re experiencing something similar – while keeping the tone light enough to create a humorous and uplifting read.
My home city of Edinburgh really is such a beautiful canvas for my books. I feel quite lucky to have it at my fingertips, and I especially enjoyed building this story around the events of the Fringe. Edinburgh’s festivals bring such a vibrant atmosphere to the city, it was always a no-brainer that that setting would eventually feature in one of my novels. However, what you can never plan for as an author, is changing circumstances, especially in the turbulent times we live in. What I discovered once this book was already written, was that the iconic end of festival fireworks that – prior to the COVID-19 pandemic – were always the big finale, have sadly been discontinued after forty years. Having already written them into my book as part of one of the story’s own climatic moments, I now see this content as a bit of a tribute to them.
