Stand Up Guy, page 10
Hanging my head, my tears spill over, and I can’t bear to look up and see the inevitable disbelief on Shep’s face – along with the rushed judgement that this is the real reason I invited him to stay. His final confirmation that I’m a ‘weird loner chick’.
In the following moments, Shep doesn’t say or do anything – to the point that I wonder if he’s got up and left. Daring a glance in his direction, I can see he’s still there, but he looks taken aback and conflicted. My bets are on him wanting to do a bolt, but wondering how bad a person it will make him if he does.
‘Say something, will you?’ I eventually pipe up, unable to take the silence any longer. ‘Or just leave, if that’s what you want to do.’
‘Shit, sorry, Lea,’ he says as if he’s suddenly remembered I’m there. ‘I was so convinced I was right about your reaction this morning that it threw me when you said all that. And I’m not gonna lie, it’s also made me wonder—’
‘If I only invited you to stay so I wasn’t on my own anymore?’
‘Uh… yeah.’ He winces and I’m unsure whether this is because he feels bad for asking this question or if he’s worried he’s right. He might also be wondering whether this ‘thing’ between us is even real.
‘It wasn’t my main reason. I did want to help you, but I’ll admit it was an added bonus.’ I press my hands against my burning cheeks, unable to look at him, and my deep-seated vulnerability seems to properly wake him up to the situation.
‘Ah, hell, what am I even doing asking you that?’
‘It’s a fair question.’
‘No, it’s not.’ He gives a determined shake of his head. ‘After the kindness you’ve shown me, and the way we’ve… you know… connected… it’s wrong of me to doubt you.’
‘I don’t think so.’ I pick at a hangnail on my index finger, still finding it difficult to make eye contact with him. ‘You may have jumped to the wrong conclusion, but you wouldn’t have done that if I’d been open about my situation in the first place. This is my fault, Shep. I’m sorry, I completely understand you thinking I’m a loose cannon.’
‘I don’t think you’re a loose cannon. I’m just trying to take all this in and catch up to the place you’re at.’
My stomach emits a hungry grumble and my gaze shifts to my pizza box, but I know this has to be straightened out before I can eat. He’s already nearly walked once, which means I need to share fully and completely this time or I will lose him.
‘Let me help you with that then.’ I shift my position so I’m sitting cross-legged and facing him. ‘When I saw you looking so miserable last Saturday, I didn’t approach you because I wanted company, I did it because I could feel your pain. I was in a similar place myself, but for different reasons.’
‘You mean because you’d broken up with that rugby bloke?’ Shep asks.
‘Yes and no.’ I bob my head side-to-side in a non-committal way. ‘It was more than that. He’d used me, and that made me feel like shit, but also, I had no one to talk to about it. I’d tried to reach out to my oldest friends, but they were busy, and there was no way I was sharing all the gory details with my parents. I just felt really alone. More so than usual. I came out on my own because I couldn’t bear sitting in my flat by myself when it felt like I was the only person in this city who wasn’t out having fun.’
‘I can see how it would feel a bit like that, living on the doorstep of all this.’
‘Anyway, the God’s honest truth is that I only really wanted to help you. You needed a place to stay and I had a spare room. It’s as simple as that. Did I also like that I would have some company for a few weeks? Of course I did. I’m only human. But there were no ulterior motives, and there was nothing sinister about it. I didn’t plan to lure you back to mine and then bed you. I genuinely didn’t even fancy you—’
‘You’ve mentioned that before. Let’s not rehash the things we don’t need to.’ Shep runs what appears to be a self-conscious hand through his floppy brown hair, making me smile.
‘OK, we’ll not labour that point, but I suppose what I’m trying to say is that when I realised I might like you in that way, I almost didn’t do anything about it. I wasn’t entirely sure if those feelings were real, or if I was just enjoying having you around.’
‘So that’s what you meant when you said you’d been having “complicated feelings” about me. I thought that was an odd way of phrasing it.’
I nod. ‘Yes, that’s what I meant, but I didn’t think it would help to go into detail at that particular moment.’
‘You do fancy me, though, right? Don’t tell me you’re still not sure, because I’ve used my very best moves with you.’ Shep obviously intends this as a joke, but by the looks of things, he’s actually semi-serious.
‘Do you still want me to? Or is that your ego talking?’
‘Does a deer shit in the woods?’
‘I thought it was a brown bear.’
‘It’s the UK version. Come on and catch up,’ he deadpans, and I laugh.
‘OK, but given I’ve just bared my soul to you, I could do with a straight answer.’
‘Fair point. Of course I bloody want you to. I fancy the pants off you, especially those nice lacey blue ones you have.’
‘They’re teal,’ I correct him.
‘I don’t give a shit what colour they are, it’s what’s in them that I’m interested in. Come over here, you.’
The remaining tension between us finally dissipates as delighted relief washes over me and I shuffle across the grass towards him. He pulls me in close, kissing me slowly and intensely, which I take as his way of showing me he’s all in. My body responds by melting into him, enjoying the closeness and the feel of his lips on mine. There’s also the citrusy scent of an eau de toilette I’m not sure I’ve smelled on him before, which lifts my senses further, making me even hotter for him.
When we break apart, I’m smiling but I’m not yet fully at ease, because there’s one aspect of our conversation that’s not yet been addressed.
‘Lea, I’m sorry about your situation. I can understand why you felt uncomfortable about sharing, given the circumstances of how we met,’ Shep says, as if reading my mind. ‘Do you not have workmates you can go out with?’
‘Not really.’ I shake my head. ‘They’re all older than me. They have families. Tanya, our research fellow, has this idea in her head that I’m out every weekend with a pack of “gal pals”. I never corrected her, and she just assumes I have this great social life.’
‘What about activities or hobbies outside of work – sport even?’
‘I did try a few meet-up groups and recreational classes, but I never clicked with anyone to the point we made plans to hang out, so I gave up. I’m just not the type to go out and manufacture friendships – it’s really uncomfortable – and I guess I’m not someone who people are naturally drawn to either. It makes me feel like a bit of a loser if I’m honest.’ My cheeks colour at this admission and I immediately regret sharing it.
‘Hey, no it doesn’t.’ Shep gives me a squeezy hug. ‘And for the record, I felt drawn to you last Saturday – once I got past myself.’
‘Really?’ I look at him with hopeful eyes.
‘Really. You’re fun – and you’re also top-notch in bed.’
‘Oi.’ I bat him playfully on the shoulder. ‘I thought you were actually saying something meaningful there.’
‘I was. Then I made it smutty.’ His eyes sparkle with mirth. ‘It’s an occupational hazard, but I meant it all. Honestly, you’ve nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. I’ve seen stuff in the news about loneliness being on the increase among young adults, so you’re not alone in feeling alone. I’m lucky in that I have plenty of mates back home—’
‘I knew you would.’ I say this almost resentfully, then put my hand to my mouth apologetically.
‘It’s OK.’ Shep takes it in his and kisses it. ‘What I was saying is that I have a lot of mates back home, but within my family, I feel alone. When I found myself with nowhere to stay and facing having to go back, I felt really alone. Loneliness comes in many shapes and forms. It can also be about thinking no one understands or supports you.’
His words are like a cosy blanket, providing welcome and much needed reassurance.
‘Gosh, Shep, I’ve never thought about it like that before. Thanks for making me feel less like the odd one out.’
‘You’re welcome.’ He leans in and kisses me again. ‘Now, shall we eat this pizza before the ants beat us to it?’
Chapter 15
After overindulging in our pizza picnic in George Square Gardens, Shep and I decide we need to walk some of it off, so we reluctantly leave our sun-kissed patch of grass and head across to the Old Town. Taking a slight left at Greyfriars Bobby, we wander down Candlemaker Row to the Grassmarket, with its historic marketplace and old tenement buildings, some of which date back to the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries. The place is brimming with wide-eyed tourists watching the street performers and taking selfies, and Shep insists we do the same.
One photo session and a performance by a rather talented magician later, we make our way along West Port and down Castle Terrace, where the castle itself strikes its most majestic pose for the city’s visitors. I note that it looks particularly good today, framed as it is by the bright blue summer sky behind it. We then stroll along Princes Street, enjoying the visual contrast between the lusciousness of East and West Princes Street Gardens, and, behind them, the earthy volcanic crag and tail on which the castle and the Royal Mile are perched.
It’s an amazing day to be out and about, and it’s even better to be enjoying it with someone I can’t get enough of. I feel almost smug, walking along the street holding Shep’s hand, with him giving mine a little squeeze whenever he spots something interesting or entertaining, or even just as a show of affection. Those ones are the best, because they come with a look that makes me feel like I’m the only woman in the world.
Not that I need that validation, but after going out with one wanker after the next, it’s just so lovely to be spending time with someone so thoughtful and ‘un-self-indulgent’. Being out with Shep like this, it feels less like dating and more like being in the early stages of a meaningful relationship.
‘You grand?’ Shep glances at me as we’re passing the iconic Jenners building on one side and the Scott Monument on the other.
‘I’m good.’ I chew my lip, self-conscious all of a sudden, as if he might read my mind and decide I’m getting too keen.
‘Want an ice cream in the gardens before we head to The Canongate Tavern? I think we can justify it after all that walking.’
‘Do I ever.’
‘All right, then. My treat.’ He pulls me into a hug, planting a kiss on the side of my head, while I giggle delightedly – and in one fell swoop, I’m a total goner.
* * *
An hour and half later, I’ve handed out almost all the flyers that Shep had ready for me at the pub. I’m not sure whether I’m actually allowed to give them out, not being one of the official Fringe staff, but I can’t see how it would do any harm. It’s not like I’m trying to fleece people or mislead them in any way. Shep’s show is legit and it’s free, plus he needs all the help he can get to put his name out there.
‘You in the mood for a free comedy show?’ I hold out my remaining two flyers to a small group of middle-aged tourists. ‘It’s a belter. Starts in ten minutes just down the street.’
‘We’re off to get sushi,’ says a woman with an American accent and sunglasses that are so oversized, they almost look like those novelty ones. She takes the flyers from me, inspects them and hands one of them to a man in the group. ‘Maybe tomorrow. Or Sunday.’
‘He’s not on tomorrow,’ I clarify, in case they didn’t read the flyer properly. ‘But he is on Sunday. Hope to see you there.’
Waving them off with best wishes for their sushi experience, I leave my spot on the bustling junction between North Bridge and South Bridge, and make my way back down Canongate, crossing my fingers that Shep will finally have his full house. There have been only a few remaining seats at the last couple of performances, so hopefully this bit of extra promo will fill them.
On entering the pub and queuing for a drink, I note that the place is busier than usual, which pleases me – and will likely please the pub owner too. With it being out of range of the key Fringe locations, it doesn’t do quite as well as other pubs further up the Royal Mile, which are constantly stowed out.
‘You’ve done a great job,’ Kira says when she comes to serve me. ‘It’s a full house. I’m not sure you’ll even get through the door.’
‘What?’ I give her a disbelieving look and march through to the back room to check.
Sure enough, the place is full. Not just every seat taken, but there are also about ten people standing at the back, which may or may not be allowed, from a health and safety perspective. I really can’t get through the door.
‘Fantastic.’ I clap my hands with delight and return to the bar, where Kira’s now serving another customer.
‘Sorry about disappearing like that,’ I say when she comes to serve me again. ‘It’s proper packed out in there. You’re right, I can’t get in. I’ve seen it twice already, though, so it’s no biggie. I’ll just sit here and wait for him to finish.’
‘As I said, great job.’ Kira offers me a sparkly wink with one of her immaculately made-up eyes. ‘What can I get you? This is on the house, by the way, for all the extra business you’ve brought in.’
‘Wow, thank you.’ I’m touched by this gesture. ‘I’ll have a lime and soda, please.’
‘You don’t want a real drink? I don’t think I’ve ever seen a person opt for a soft drink as a freebie. Obviously, if you’re teetotal or something, that’s totally fine, though,’ she adds, I’m guessing to avoid offending me.
‘Oh, why not, then. I was just being polite. I’ll have a G&T, thanks.’
‘That’s more like it. Take a seat, I’ll bring it over.’
Grabbing one of the two remaining tables in the bar, I smile to myself while I wait. It feels great to have helped Shep out. He really deserves this opportunity, so I need to do more of that.
‘Here you are.’ Kira sets my drink down in front of me. ‘There’s another with your name on it if you want one – that’s by order of the owner.’
She nods in the direction of the bar, where there’s now an older man standing behind it. He gives me a friendly wave, which I return, mouthing, ‘Thank you,’ at the same time.
‘You and Shep make a cute couple.’ Kira hugs the now-empty tray she’s holding.
‘Thanks.’ I blush. ‘He’s really sweet and fun… and totally addictive. I’m so glad we’ve met.’
‘So is he.’ She gives me a knowing smile, making me wonder what he’s said to her. ‘Anyway, I’d better get back to work. Enjoy your drink and let me know when you want another.’
Taking a long sip, I sit back with a satisfied sigh. I can hear Shep’s audience laughing and whooping over the noise in the main bar, and it fills me with joy knowing he’s being discovered by all these new people. It’s a huge step forward for him, building a fan base outside his home city. I’m also pleased at how well I’m getting on with Kira since Shep introduced me to her after our first kiss. Funny how people always seem much nicer and more approachable when you don’t consider them a threat. I cringe, feeling silly about how I got myself so tied in knots over her, and as I do, she looks across and gives me a thumbs up, which I return somewhat sheepishly.
* * *
When Shep’s show is over, he bounds across to me, shaking his donations bucket.
‘Um… it’s not making any noise.’ I straighten up, trying to peek over the edge. ‘Is there nothing in it?’
‘It’s all notes.’ He all but shoves it in my face, forcing me to draw back a little.
‘What? No coins at all?’
‘Not one. Not even euro cents. No bloody supermarket shopping-trolley tokens—’
‘Someone donated a shopping-trolley token?’ I look at him in amazement.
‘I’ve had several. Think some tight-arsed people use them to make it sound like they’ve made a proper donation.’
‘That’s so cheeky.’
‘And not the half of it.’ He scoops up the notes, shoves them in his pocket and puts the bucket down on the floor. ‘Have I not told you about the half-pack of chewing gum, the empty nasal-spray bottle and the strawberry-flavoured condom I received?’
I snort with amusement. ‘Adoring fan making a hint?’
‘I dunno.’ He shrugs. ‘Never saw who threw it in the bucket. Anyway, you know what this means, don’t you?’
‘That you’ll have lighter pockets walking home?’
‘No. It means I’m worth paying for. If people are putting notes in, it means they’ve really enjoyed my show.’
I’m delighted by this and by his supersized grin. ‘That’s brilliant, Shep. Though I never doubted for a second that you’re worth paying for.’
‘Sometimes I have.’ He looks into his bucket solemnly and I can almost see the wind dropping from his sails.
‘Aww, come here.’ I beckon him to come sit and he settles down beside me. ‘That’s because of your family and their bloody great superiority complexes. If they could get over themselves and come and see you perform, they’d get that this is your path in life, and see how much you’re in your element when you’re doing your thing.’
‘Cheers, Lea. I’m glad you believe in me.’ He places a limp hand on my thigh and I grasp it tightly.
‘It’s not just me who does. It’s all the people who just rewarded you for a job well done. Focus on that. Not on jumped-up family members who can’t see beyond the end of their stethoscopes.’
‘I see what you did there.’ His mouth twitches at the corners, but he’s obviously still troubled. ‘You’re right. I should focus on the positives – they’re what keeps me going. Thanks for the perspective.’
