Stand Up Guy, page 25
Shep hangs his head ashamedly, which tugs at my heartstrings something awful. While I’m still bruised from those poorly judged actions on his part, I now at least understand what was going on with him. He’s as imperfect a human as I am – as every other person on this planet is. What I still don’t have, though, is the full picture, and until that’s laid bare, I’m not offering up my olive branch.
‘So where are you now?’ I prompt him. ‘Why are we here?’
He lifts his head. ‘Well, for starters, despite the dent to my self-confidence, the rest of my shows went like clockwork – I guess that’s the benefit of having delivered the same set so many times. I also did hear from that journalist in the end.’
‘Oh, that’s fantastic, Shep!’ I can’t help but light up on hearing this. ‘I’m so delighted for you. Your name really is going to be in lights.’ I hold out my glass and he clinks it with his.
‘That certainly seems like something of a possibility now, though I can’t get ahead of myself.’ He sighs deeply. ‘I wish you’d been there. Everything turned around and you know what was taking up the most room in my head?’
‘How you could now go and tell your family where to stick it?’
He laughs. ‘No. It was you.’ His eyes lock onto mine, that familiar electricity sparking between us once more. ‘How all I wanted to do was share those incredible moments with you. And how I missed you to the point it actually physically hurt.’
‘You did?’ My skin prickles with anticipation, making it very difficult to continue giving him a hard time.
‘Totally. It made me realise that I don’t want to be telling the story of any success I have in the future, without you being a part of it.’ He holds my gaze, causing my pulse to quicken, while my insides feel like they’re going through a spin cycle.
‘When you say “a part”…?’ I trail off, encouraging him to elaborate.
‘I mean I want you by my side through it all. As my girlfriend, my partner… whatever label you want to use.’
Realising that I’m being sucked in too quickly by our overpowering chemistry, I remind myself that I shouldn’t forgive and forget too easily. I deserve better than all the shitty relationships I was in before I met Shep. And while I do believe this one would be different, I need to make sure that he knows there won’t be a ‘round three’.
I clear my throat and sit up straight in my seat. ‘What makes you think you deserve another chance?’
He seems unsurprised by this question, but I can also tell he’s taking it seriously.
‘I don’t think I deserve it. I would never act in such an entitled way. I can only hope you’ll see how sincere my apology is and trust that what happened at your flat was totally out of character for me.’
‘And you’re sure about this? About wanting to be with me? Because I don’t want to hold you back, nor do I want you to resent me if things don’t go how you hope. I can’t be with you if there’s any chance of that.’
‘Oh, I’m sure. Lea, you lift me up. You believed in me when my own family didn’t, and you gave me back my big opportunity when I thought I’d lost it. You’re intelligent, beautiful – literally, the best person I’ve ever met. And you’re top-notch in bed.’
I let out an amused snort at this.
‘Seriously, though,’ he continues. ‘I might not have known you long, but I already know that you’re the sidekick I need in all this, and I want to be that person for you, too. Will you please forgive me and give me the chance to do that?’
My eyes are welling up and my throat is choked from Shep’s wonderful words – I’ve heard all I need to hear.
‘OK, I forgive you. But to be clear, I won’t be so understanding if it happens again, whatever your reasons might be.’
‘Got it.’ He gives me a lopsided grin, which I return, then a thought comes to me.
‘So, us being together and living in different cities… How will that work?’
‘I figured you’d ask that.’ He pulls out his phone, looks something up and hands it to me. ‘Edinburgh is expensive, but I think I can afford this if I can get a job with flexible hours to work around any gigs I pick up.’
I look at the advert for a room rental on the screen and my jaw drops in surprise. ‘You’re going to move here?’
‘I am. It’s better connected than Northern Ireland, and if things go the way I hope, I’ll be travelling around the UK a bit.’
‘Would London not be better for that? I expected you’d want to go there.’
Shep shakes his head. ‘London’s too big and too expensive. Plus, you’re not there.’
I’m completely stunned by all this. The most I had expected, if things were to go in the direction I’d hoped, was for us to try things long-distance. This is a whole other deck of cards.
Studying the listing for a moment, taking in the dinginess of the property from the photos, a thought brews in my mind, and I hand his phone back to him. ‘It looks all right, but I don’t think it’s for you.’
‘You don’t?’
‘Nah. Lucky for you, though, I know a sexy landlady with a spare room for rent.’
‘Really?’ Shep’s face lights up with an impish grin.
‘Really.’ I mirror him in return. ‘Only if that doesn’t make you uncomfortable. It’s not us moving in together, we can do the actual flatmate thing. You can pay me a small amount in rent, move your stuff across from Northern Ireland into the spare room – and if we think it’s better for our relationship, it can just be a temporary thing until you get on your feet financially. Unless you think that’s a terrible idea?’
‘What I think is that I’ve just hit the jackpot. Although… what about your folks? Will your da not go back into sniper mode if he finds out we’re living together – even as flatmates? Also…’ Shep gulps, ‘…with the way I treated you, haven’t I already blown my chances with him? He said I’d only get one.’
‘Good thing I didn’t tell him, then.’ I waggle my eyebrows at him and he puts a hand to his chest in relief. ‘Just you leave my dad to me. He seems to have accepted you, so I’ll warm him up to it.’
‘Lea, you are…’ Shep climbs out of his side of the booth and slides in beside me without finishing his sentence. Then he leans in and kisses me with such intensity, I feel like I might take off.
When we eventually break apart, we gaze at each other, our happiness and relief at being back together radiating from us like heat from the sun.
‘Thank you for giving me another chance.’ Shep gently takes my hands in his and squeezes them affectionately. ‘I am one lucky bastard. Now, how about you tell me what happened with the girls?’
Chapter 36
Two days later, and after spending every free moment together since we reunited, Shep and I have a very different evening ahead of us.
‘Shep, I don’t know if I can do this.’ I join him in the kitchen, where he’s hoovering up a bowl of chicken tikka masala.
He sets it on the counter, plonks his fork in it, and pulls me into him. ‘If you don’t want to do it, you don’t have to. There’s no pressure to go ahead with this plan.’
I suck my teeth, torn between the temptation to take the easy road and annoyance at myself for being such a wimp. ‘It’s not that I don’t want to do it. It is important to me. Really important. I’m just… a bit terrified.’
‘I hear you. Look, the girls just think they’re meeting me for a farewell drink, so if you want to give it a miss, I can go ahead as planned – and I’ll slip a laxative in Sal’s drink when she’s not looking.’
I titter. ‘I know you’re only saying that to make me feel better, but part of me wishes you would. She certainly deserves it.’
‘She sure does.’ Shep plants a kiss on my nose, then picks up his bowl and resumes eating. ‘I know better than to try and fight your battles for you, though. You don’t want or need a knight in shining armour to save you from the evil ice queen.’
‘Don’t I?’ I chew on my lip apprehensively, knowing full well he’s right. I’m just running scared.
‘No, you don’t. My job was to provide the setting and the opportunity, which is what I’ve done. The rest is up to you.’ He spreads his hands in illustration of this. ‘Remember what we talked about last night: about you burying that shame of yours and knowing your self-worth. It’s irrelevant that you’ve not been part of their group for long, and tenure doesn’t give a person the right to behave the way Sal did. If Becca and Tess can’t see that situation for exactly what it is, then it’s good riddance to bad rubbish.’
Shep finishes this impromptu speech with a pointed look, which I know is designed to boost my confidence. And, of course, it works.
‘You’re right. God, you’re so right. I need to shake off this feeling that I’m a nobody, and stop letting Sal get in my head like this. It was circumstances that led to me being alone and isolated, not who I am as a person. I need to woman-up and face this, because I am better and more loveable than a nasty bully like her.’
‘I’ll drink to that.’ Shep raises his glass of water.
‘She’s going to regret the day she met me.’
‘Sorry to say it, but I think she already does.’
‘Hey.’ I cuff him playfully. ‘Well, then, she’s going to regret it even more. Because I will not be banished back to no-pals-land without a fight.’
‘Yes!’ He punches the air. ‘That’s fighting talk. Now let’s get over there before you chicken out.’
‘I won’t be chickening out.’ I shake my head determinedly, a fire igniting inside of me. ‘I’m done with feeling inferior.’
* * *
Half an hour later, our plan kicks into action. After checking the coast is clear, I discreetly slip past the Old Town Inn and nip into The Canongate Tavern, while Shep heads inside the girls’ regular festival haunt to meet them. We’ve agreed he’ll go ahead of me, so he can get a read on the situation and check it’s not unwise to unleash my counterstrike on Sal tonight.
Fifteen minutes later, my phone lights up with a WhatsApp message from Shep.
All systems go.
I smile at his use of language, while a whirlwind of fear and dread simultaneously tears through me. It’s time.
Slowly getting up from my seat, I feel my legs turn to mush and my chest tighten, as if my body is going into a similar meltdown to the other night at the fireworks.
Come on, Lea. You can do this.
This sorry attempt at an inner pep talk does little to alleviate my terror, because right now, all I want to do is run home and hide under my duvet. I really wish I could charge next door all guns blazing, but the reality is that it was so much easier to get pumped up in the safety of my flat. Sal has got under my skin good and proper, which was obviously her aim.
So don’t let her win. Do what you do best: go in there and focus on the facts – then tell her that she doesn’t get to treat you that way.
Now, that I can do. Surely. I need to do this – for every woman and girl who’s ever been bullied by someone like her.
Straightening my posture, I take a deep courage-inducing breath, then I walk out of the pub.
Chapter 37
Pushing open the door to the Old Town Inn, I can see Shep sitting with Becca, Tess and Sal at a table near the back. As the place is fairly quiet, I’m spotted almost immediately.
‘Lea!’ cries Tess before I’ve even closed the door behind me. ‘It’s so good to see you… oh…’ Her gaze shifts to Shep, as it clearly dawns on her that the two of us being here at the same time might not be such a good thing.
Becca leaps to her feet and rushes forward, face full of apologies. ‘Hi, honey, I’m so sorry. We saw Shep briefly yesterday and he asked if we’d have a farewell drink with him tonight. We didn’t want to upset you, but we also didn’t want to tell him no.’
‘It’s OK.’ I touch her arm gently. ‘I knew he was here.’
‘You did? But how… I mean—’
‘Let’s just go over there and it’ll all become clear.’
I follow Becca to the table, where my eyes meet Sal’s, and it’s clear she’s both astonished and furious that I’ve had the nerve to show my face again. Unable to bear her glare, I look away, my renewed courage almost deserting me.
‘Hi, there,’ I greet an uncertain-looking Tess, then I nod at Shep, who returns the gesture.
‘Pull up a chair?’ suggests Tess, looking to the others as if checking that was the right thing to say.
I shake my head. ‘It’s fine, I’ll stand. This won’t take long.’
Becca and Tess continue to look uncomfortable and bewildered, while Sal sits back and folds her arms. This is undoubtedly an attempt to intimidate me – and it nearly works – but having come this far, I now need to see my plan through.
While doing my best to tune out all the deeply unpleasant sensations rushing through my mind and body, I clasp my hands together tightly and force myself to speak.
‘I’m actually here to speak to Sal.’
‘Oh, right.’ She tries to jump on this opportunity and use it to her advantage. ‘Shall we go outside?’
‘No.’ I give a single shake of my head. ‘Here will do just fine. I want everyone to hear this.’
Sal’s face drains of colour. It seems she’s put two and two together, and realised I’m about to out her. Much as I hate to admit it, this gives me a feeling of satisfaction and spurs me on.
‘Becca, Tess, I want to apologise for this in advance. It’s not going to be comfortable, but it needs to be said.’
Still baffled by this curious turn of events, they simply nod, eyes frantically darting between me and Sal.
‘OK, so, when we were at George Square Gardens last week, and I was left on my own with Sal, she basically told me to disappear and keep away from your group.’
‘What?’ Becca looks to Sal, who now has a face like thunder.
Tess looks equally shocked, and for once seems stunned into silence.
‘She’s lying,’ says Sal. ‘Why would I do that?’
Despite my raw nerves, I force myself to look her square in the face. ‘I don’t know why. All I know is that you did, and that you’ve done it before.’
‘Sal, what’s Lea talking about?’ asks Becca. ‘And when were you two on your own? I don’t remember that.’
Tess’s mouth forms a perfect ‘O’ of realisation. ‘I do. It was when you went to the loo. My sister phoned and I had to nip away because I couldn’t hear her.’
‘That’s right,’ I reply. ‘And that’s when you did it, wasn’t it, Sal?’
‘No. I didn’t. Guys, she’s clearly nuts.’ Sal rolls her eyes and clicks her tongue bitterly. ‘No wonder you broke up with her, Shep. I’d call that a lucky escape.’
Shep looks to me, obviously wanting to say something.
‘Not yet,’ I murmur almost inaudibly, so he sits back and lets me continue. ‘All right, Sal, if it’s your word against mine, then let’s see if any of this rings true to Becca and Tess. They know you well enough to tell if I’m making it up.’
Feeling myself start to tremble, I lift my shoulders to fool my brain into thinking I’ve got this.
‘You asked me what I thought I was doing latching onto your group “like a freaking limpet”,’ I begin to reel off her crimes. ‘You told me that I wasn’t “the first of Becca’s strays” and you said you see it as your job to “get rid”. You also threatened me to make sure I wouldn’t say anything to these two.’
‘Who the hell do you think you are?’ Sal snorts with derision. ‘I didn’t threaten you.’
‘Sorry, you’re right. You never got to fully deliver that threat. I was so intimidated, I made it clear I understood before you could finish telling me what you’d do if I “went crying to them”. My mistake.’
‘Sal, is this true?’ asks an incredulous Tess.
‘Of course it’s not true.’ Sal sits up in her seat, shooting me an acidic look. ‘Who are you going to believe? Me – who you’ve known for years – or someone you met a couple of weeks ago?’
‘I don’t… eh…’ Tess glances back and forth between me and Sal.
While all this is going on, Becca remains silent, her expression now impossible to read.
I look at Sal and shrug. ‘I’m not asking them to choose a side. That’s not why I’m here. I’m here to let you know that you’re not going to belittle or intimidate me – or drive me away. I’m making a choice not to be around you, because I want to spend my time with people who are kind and who care about me, and who won’t try to control my actions for their own gain.’ I glance fleetingly at Becca, hoping more than anything that she’s not judging me poorly for what I’m doing.
Sal scoffs. ‘Would you listen to this nonsense? What fucking planet do you come from, Lea? Can’t you see that everyone here wishes you’d end this nonsense and get lost?’
While I no longer care a bit what Sal thinks of me, I flinch at this cutting remark.
Having clearly heard enough, Shep looks up at me. ‘May I?’
I smile at him appreciatively. ‘Sure.’
He sits forward and focuses his attention on Sal. ‘I don’t want Lea to get lost, Sal. I also think you did what you did because she’s someone you’ll never understand. And because her kindness and generosity are characteristics you see as a threat to your standing in this group.’
She blanches. ‘Wh-what?’
‘You heard me.’ He reaches out and takes my hand. ‘Lea told me exactly what you did, and there was no question in my mind that she was telling the truth.’
‘And now that I’ve said my piece,’ I add, ‘we’ll leave you all to it. Becca, Tess, I’m truly sorry for this, but I felt you had to know.’
Shep gets up from his seat and we head for the door together, hearing Sal’s furious mutterings as we go.
‘Wait!’ Becca calls after me, to my surprise.
