Fixation, page 17
He’s a pretty good salesman, because for a moment, I do allow myself to think about saying “fuck the plan” and living my life on a whim.
But that’s just not me.
“I’ll be fine. I’ll catch a meeting. I need to do this.”
Michael doesn’t sound worried on the phone, more amused. “I know you do, man. If it goes south, call me.”
“Thanks for the confidence boost, Monroe.”
“Always happy to help.”
I hang up and place my phone in my pocket. Take a deep breath, dipshit. Don’t forget how to breathe.
Taking the solid advice from myself, I let air fill my lungs before slowly releasing it.
Good job.
But all that goes out the window when I see Elle exiting Knox’s bar. My breath hitches, and I struggle to do something I’ve been easily doing it since birth.
It’s been almost a year since the day we met.
It was hard to not run right back here after the wedding and my talk with Michael. But he was right, I needed to do some work. I needed to prove I can stay sober, that I can hold a job.
That I’m not just totally lazy and complacent.
I started working at my father’s company, and somehow, I don’t hate it. Maybe it is in my blood, or maybe it’s just something to do. I like finding rundown places and building something new.
Maybe it’s some sort of twisted metaphor for my life and new sobriety. Although, someday I hope to shift the company toward building more affordable homes. I think my father will have to be six feet under before that happens.
Who cares? It keeps me busy, and I show up every day. Meanwhile, my parents are somewhere abroad and barely check in, just the way I like it.
I go to meetings two or three times a week, and I’ve done the work. I’ve come one step closer to actually deserving her.
I’m sure she’s still with Cooper and on her set path toward graduating with her master’s, but I need to take a chance.
I’ll never fuck with her solid plans, but I want to be a part of them. As long as they don’t include Cooper.
“Blake?” Elle sees me staring at her like a creeper from across the street, and I realize I’m busted.
I cross the street, stopping a few feet in front of her. “Hi.”
“Hi.”
This is so lame. “How are you?”
She doesn’t look angry or annoyed, but she does look surprised to see me. “I’m okay. Same ole. You?”
“I’m doing good.”
“Why are you here?”
There’s that fire, that “no bullshit, get to the point” attitude I love about her. She’s not going to make it easy on me, and that’s a damn good thing because she’s worth it. “I miss you.”
Her eyes roll, and she starts to walk away from me, but I grab her hand, holding her here with me. “Blake . . . We’ve been here before.”
“And you crushed me.”
Her eyes meet mine with fury. “I crushed you? And you didn’t crush me?”
I rest one hand on her hip, pulling her closer. “No, I did. We’ve obliterated each other’s hearts, time and time again in the short year we’ve known each other.”
She pushes me away. “Yeah well, I’m not going through that again. I need to focus.” She starts toward the stairs.
Do not give up. I follow her, meeting her at the bottom of the stairs. “So, we won’t do that again. Hear me out.”
She won’t look at me and her voice demonstrates her exhaustion, “Blake, I’m tired.”
“I know, but I’m in love with you, and that hasn’t changed.”
Her gray eyes meet mine as she turns to face me. “I’m part of a game. You just want to play more.”
“You really think I went to rehab and changed my entire life just for a game?”
She shrugs. “You have a lot of time on your hands.”
“Elle, think. I don’t do hard work. That’s never been me. I used to love easy and just having shit handed to me. Let me tell you, rehab is not easy. They pry into every single part of you until you hate everything. And then being sober? Fuck, that’s the worst. You have to wake up every single day and decide to stay sober. It’s an active choice, and it’s exhausting, but I do it. Every. Day.”
“Well, don’t do that for me.”
“You woke me up, Elle. I like being sober. I like feeling everything and being able to function. I drove here in my own car because I could without killing someone because I was too intoxicated to drive. I did that. And for most people, that’s nothing, but to me, that’s huge.”
A small smile passes over her mouth, but she quickly corrects it, and it goes back to a straight line. “I’m glad you’re sober, but I can’t do this with you. I just got over you. Again.”
I shake my head and rest my hands on her hips. “You aren’t over me any more than I’m over you. And I don’t give a fuck if you’re with someone else because I know without a doubt,” my eyes stay trained on hers, “Your heart is with me.”
“Cooper is perfect for me, Blake. You make absolutely no sense.”
“I know he’s not right for you.”
She sighs and pushes my hands away, walking to the top of the stairs, and again, I follow. She’s frustrated as she turns to face me with a huff. “How can you be so sure about that?”
“Because he’s not me.”
Her lips part slightly, taken aback by my answer as she takes a step closer, her hand resting against my chest. “I can’t do this again.”
“We never did this, Elle.” Her eyes lift with confusion, and I clarify. “I fell for you, and you fell for me, but we never said anything until it was too late. I just thought I could let my kiss tell you what I needed to, that I could be lazy and let you fill in the missing words.”
She’s not looking up, she’s looking at her hand over my chest, and so am I. It feels so right because she’s become a piece of me. “I felt it.”
I use my finger to tip her chin up. “But I should have said it. I should have told you everything.” Her eyes are locked on mine. “I should have told you how you make me want to work for you. I don’t do that, Elle, I never have, but for you . . . I want to. I don’t mind putting effort in at all, and you do make me fucking work for it.”
“So, you’re telling me I’m a lot of work?”
“The things that are worth it should be.”
Her head shakes from side to side. “You’ll get bored.”
“No. I won’t. And I should have told you that too. You’re not something to play with. I love you, Elle. Unlike sobriety, loving you isn’t a choice for me. I just do. I always will.”
She swallows, her eyes filling with tears. “We are so diff—”
I stop her. “No. We aren’t. I needed help to find out who I am, that part is true, and maybe I don’t plan like you do, but who the hell cares? You’ll help me plan, I’ll help you be more spontaneous, and we’ll make memories that we’ll keep for the future.” I rest my hand over hers. “And I do want a future with you. For the first time in my life, I want a plan as long as it includes you.”
A beautiful smile overtakes her face as she sweeps her hand over my cheek. “We’re going to fight. A lot.”
“Who cares? I’ll never stop fighting for you. Don’t give up on me.” My lips brush over hers. “You’re worth every bit of fight I have in me.”
She smiles and presses a soft kiss to my lips, making my heart squeeze tightly in my chest. “I love you too. I love my plans, but they became less important without you.”
“We’ll have it all, Elle. Whatever we want, whenever we want.”
“I’m not with Cooper anymore.”
I laugh, not even having a thought about him in my mind. “I wasn’t worried about that preppy douchebag.”
“You are such a fucking tool.”
I laugh. “Oh, I know.”
She kisses me, cupping the back of my head with her hand and pulling me to her, and everything feels right.
It was all worth it. Every ounce of pain and effort to get here with her lips on mine and in my arms.
“Tell me again.”
I smile between kisses. “I love you, Elle. I’ll always love you.”
“I love you too, Blake. Maybe even more than books.”
I laugh and kiss the hell out of her because she is fucking everything I need and want on this earth.
And I’ll never get enough of her.
“So how was the first month of long distance?”
I finish chewing the bite of delicious chicken Gabby made and then answer her. “It wasn’t too bad.”
Blake is sitting next to me as he takes a sip of water. “No, it sucked, but we’ll get through it.”
I turn to look at my ridiculously handsome boyfriend. “Do you have to argue with everything I say?”
He laughs easily, and his face gets even more beautiful. “Yes.”
I can’t stop smiling. This total douchebag makes me happier than I’ve ever been. Though I don’t regret the time we had apart. I learned something from Cooper. I didn’t want everything planned out. Seeing him follow his dreams was a beautiful thing even if he left me behind to do it. And Blake was right, we weren’t saying what we needed to say.
We weren’t actively working to be together, and in the best relationships, that’s what you do.
I watch Gabby lean her head on her husband’s shoulder, content and free because they choose to be together.
I’ve learned a lot in the last year and have been taking a little more time for my needs. Not too much, let’s not get crazy. I still have two jobs and am going to graduate school, but I find time to come to Kansas City to see Gabby, Brandon, and Blake when I can, even if I only stay for a few hours. And Blake visits me often.
“We’re doing good. Blake luckily has a flexible work schedule.”
Blake laughs. “Helps to be the boss.”
“Privileged asshole,” Brandon scoffs, but he’s smiling. I can tell how proud he is of his friend.
“You’re one to talk.”
Brandon started working with Dylan again and is doing well. Gabs is loving her graduate studies here in Kansas City.
It’s all nauseatingly perfect.
Blake is working for his father’s company and going to meetings. And he shows me every day that he wants to be with me. I’m going to work for a publisher someday and will follow all my dreams, guided by my friends and Blake, who is without a doubt the love of my life. My epic love story that started ugly, got uglier, and is now beautiful.
So, here it is. At the end of the day, I still love my books and always will, but . . .
Blake is better.
Christmas with the Monroes.
This is insane. I’m not drunk. I don’t want to leave as fast as I can. I watch as Brandon, my best friend who I used to do lines of coke and drink bottles of whiskey with until we passed out for days on end, cuddles his newborn son to his chest.
He’s married and content.
And I’m considering the same thing with the love of my life.
I laugh and talk with Michael and Cash while my eyes zone in on Elle. She’s so beautiful and real.
She’s everything I want.
I’m going to let her finish her master’s degree and decide where she wants to go from there, but after that . . . I’m putting a ring on that finger.
Ring or not, she’s mine forever.
She signals for me to join her, and I excuse myself, walking to her with no hesitation because I am one hundred percent her bitch and proud to be.
I didn’t get it before, watching Brandon, who I thought was one of the toughest motherfuckers I’ve ever known, turn into a total pussy for Gabby. But I get it now.
I reach her, my hands instantly encompassing her face and putting a kiss on her lips. “Merry Christmas.”
“Merry Christmas.”
She’s loosened up a bit, taking two whole days off to celebrate Christmas. But she’s still my little planner, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
“You want to drive around and see the lights after this?”
Something I never thought I’d enjoy, but I enjoyed the hell out of it last year when we did just that. “Yes.”
“Have we become one of those boring, mundane couples?”
I laugh and kiss her again, feeling a happiness I never thought possible, not with any drug, not with any chick I was using just for her body.
This. Is. Happiness.
“With you Elle, nothing is boring.”
I tuck her in my arms as we watch all the other happy couples around, and as she lays her head on my shoulder, I smile.
She makes me calm, happy and stable. She is the greatest fix of all time.
The End
Note from the Author
Thank you so much for reading. I say it every single time, but I’m so grateful for all of you. Thank you for taking a chance on my books. I absolutely love to write, and I do it for me. I write the stories I want to, but you all wanting to read it . . . That just blows my mind.
I took some chances with this book. It’s fun for me. It keeps me excited, and I love doing it. I know this book won’t be for everyone, but it’s not supposed to be.
However, I hope you enjoyed Elle and Blake’s story and will check out more from me!
Thank you to everyone who surrounds me with love and kindness, keeping me sane-ish. Thanks especially to my amazing family for reminding me who I am and that I’m loved no matter what, especially my awesome mom and dad. Everything I do is for my girls and my husband—you all are my heart and soul.
Thank you also to the people who want me to fail, because that just makes me push myself harder and makes my books even better.
Ari, Elle, and Emma, I couldn’t (and wouldn’t want to) do this without you.
Thank you to the Novelties for being my people. And if you’re a first-time reader of my books, thank you for taking a chance on me! I hope you enjoyed every second of this book because I love this story.
And on a special note, I don’t take addiction or mental health lightly at all. If you need help, even if you aren’t sure if you have a problem, please get help. I promise you, there is someone out there who does care. Hell, message me! I don’t care, just reach out to someone. You matter.
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Nicole Dykes, Fixation
