Fixation, page 11
“You’ve been sleeping with him regularly for three months? And you didn’t say a word to me?
“I’m so sorry. I just know how much you hate him, and I didn’t think you’d approve.”
She drops her hand from her stomach, still looking sick. “There’s a good reason for that, you know. You’ve heard me complain about him. You didn’t think I’d approve, so you just hid it from me? Your best friend?”
“You’re wrong about him.” I take a step closer to her, but she takes another step back, which hurts. “I know he seems like a total douchebag, but there’s more to him, Gabby, and you of all people should understand that.”
Gabby has always seen the good in people. Always. I mean, she’s with Brandon for Christ’s sake. “I understand that he’s a spoiled brat who gets bored and causes chaos wherever he goes, not because he has trauma from his past but because he’s bored.”
“As opposed to revenge?”
I can’t believe her, and now I’m starting to get pissed-off. “Brandon had a horrible past with horrific abuse, and you think that compares?”
“How do you know Blake hasn’t?”
“Because I asked him.”
She what? “When?”
“Oh, he didn’t tell you that?” She shakes her head at me, like I’m a child who has disappointed her. “I suppose you don’t have a lot of time for talking about your past and feelings, right? Because he isn’t capable of that shit.”
“Jesus Christ, Gabby. Who the hell are you right now?”
“I’m your best friend. I care about you.”
“It sure doesn’t sound like it.”
Sadness fills her expression as she slides down to the cement ground in front of my apartment and leans against the brick wall. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about this. You hid it from me for three months.”
I feel horrible about that. We’ve always told each other everything. I slide down the wall next to her, the padding of my jacket protecting me from the inevitable scrapes from the brick. “I’m sorry. I should have told you, but I know how much you dislike him, Gabs, and honestly, I didn’t want to be talked out of it.”
She shakes her head again. “You’re going to get hurt. Of course I would try to talk you out of sleeping with him.”
“He’s not going to hurt me.”
She scoffs. “Of course he is, Elle. You’re so smart. You’ve always had your head on straight and said books are better than boys.”
I interrupt her quickly. “And you’ve been trying to talk me into branching out from books and start dating.”
“Not. Blake.”
“Why do you hate him so much? You can forgive Brandon for literally using you to hurt your brother, but you can’t give Blake a chance?”
“I did! I’ve tried to put up with him in my house, tempting my boyfriend at every turn and fucking with my head.”
“What do you mean?”
I’m looking at her, but she’s looking straight ahead. “He’s constantly telling me that I have Brandon on a short leash, and then he had the nerve to tell me that Michael is a trigger for Brandon.”
Oh shit. Why didn’t he tell me that? I guess I know why. I would have put his balls in a blender for that shit. “You know that’s not true.”
She pulls her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. “This is what he does. For whatever reason, he does not want Brandon sober.” She turns to look at me. “And you fell right into his little game.”
“What do I have to do with anything?”
She stands up angrily. “Are you kidding me? You have everything to do with this. He’s using you, Elle, to get back at me. To mess with me.”
I stand up too. “This is so not about you. I don’t know what his issue with you and Brandon is, but what he and I have is completely separate.”
Again, she looks at me with pity, which sends fury through me. “How can you be so sure about that?”
“Because he isn’t like that! That’s Brandon. Brandon fucked you to get back at Michael. He is the conniving asshole that used your body and your heart to crush your brother and didn’t care. That’s not Blake. You’re so afraid of Brandon relapsing that you’re getting paranoid.”
“That sounds like Blake.”
“He’s not completely wrong. I love you, Gabs, but since he moved here away from Cash and Michael, you’ve been scared to death he’ll relapse.” Cash and Michael are both solidly sober. They kept a watchful eye on Brandon when he lived near them, but I know Gabby feels pressure to fill their role now.
“How can you say that to me?” She looks so hurt I almost back down because I care about her. I know she’s the best person I’ll ever know.
“Because it’s true.”
“You don’t know him, Elle. You’ve known him for three months.” She walks closer, her face deadly serious. “He’s good-looking, rich, sexy, and manipulative. He’s used to getting what he wants when he wants it, and you’ve fallen for his act. And honestly, I’m in total shock. I never thought you could be this naïve.”
“You mean like you were?”
“Brandon is a good man.” She covers her heart with her hand. “He’s worked his ass off to stay sober and mend what was broken, and Blake can’t stand that. He’s let jealousy of that fact blacken his already dark heart.”
“I thought everyone has good in them, Gabby.” That’s been her philosophy since we met.
“He’s using you, Elle. Maybe there’s hope for him someday, but right now, he’s using you, and I don’t want to see you hurt.”
“You’re wrong.”
She starts toward the stairs, throwing her hands up in frustration, but turns to look at me, her voice sad and quiet. “He will get bored with you and leave after he has destroyed everything you’ve worked for.”
“Is that your fear with Brandon?”
I see the hurt in her eyes, but she just takes a shaky breath and walks down the stairs and away from me.
I can’t believe her. I understand being pissed that I kept it a secret, but fucking really?
Still, there’s doubt in my heart, and I know it. He said he doesn’t do long, drawn-out plans, but what if everything has been a lie this whole time. What if he’s just fucking with me to get back at Brandon for some deep, dark secret years ago.
Am I just one part of some sick, diabolical plan?
I’ve been thinking about her all fucking day. I can’t stop thinking about her, what I’m going to do to her, what she’ll do to me. Fuck, even what we will talk about after.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but at this point, I’m just leaning into it.
When she walks out of the bar, I jump off the top step and walk toward her. But something seems off as she walks to greet me, no smile on her pretty face, and it’s reminiscent of how she used to greet me.
“You okay?”
She gives a curt nod and starts toward the stairs. I follow and then walk into her apartment behind her after she unlocks it.
“Elle, what’s up?”
She takes off her black coat and places it on the hook by the door. “Are you going to enroll? Because you could probably start after Christmas.”
This is about enrolling in school? I leave my navy hoodie on, feeling her edge and not certain she’ll want me to stay. “I’m not sure. I haven’t thought about it totally yet.”
“You can’t just drift through life, Blake. Everyone needs a plan.”
Okay, what the fuck is happening here? “I don’t like plans, Elle. I thought you knew that about me.”
I try to play it off with a laugh, but she’s not laughing with me. “I don’t know you at all, really.”
“What the fuck does that mean?”
She bites her bottom lip and looks conflicted as she folds her arms over her chest in a defensive pose. “It means I don’t know you. Why are you here? Why did you just show up after years of not talking to Brandon?”
“This is about Brandon?”
“Isn’t it?”
I need a fucking drink. “I don’t know what the fuck this is about. This morning we were fucking in the shower and then hanging out at the Union. Now you’re questioning me about enrolling and Brandon? What the fuck?”
“But you were just fucking with me about enrolling, right? Telling me what you thought I’d want to hear to get into my pants.”
I take a dangerous step closer to her, my inner rage flickering under the surface. “I didn’t have to say a fucking word to get into your pants. You chose to fuck me with no promises of any plan because you fucking wanted to.”
I use my hand to tip her chin up to look at me, and she’s snarling, that fucking fire I love about her evident. But there’s an unforgiving look deep in her eyes that alarms me. “I fell for it, didn’t I?”
“Fell for what? What the fuck is going on?” Then it hits me, like a train ramming the realization right into my understanding. “Gabby.”
She doesn’t say a word, but I see the answer. She said she was going to tell her about us. I just didn’t realize she would do it so soon.
“That’s it, isn’t it? You told your little friend about us and she freaked the fuck out.”
“With good reason.”
I can’t fucking believe her, either of them. But how could Elle believe this shit?
“Why did you come here, Blake?”
I stare into her eyes, the pain cutting me like a fucking knife. This is why I don’t waste time with fucking feelings. People are a disappointment. They don’t give a fuck about anyone else, not really. Everyone for themselves. “You caught me, Elle.” I take her hand in mine and pull it to my chest. “This was all a big scheme to fuck with Brandon. I knew I couldn’t fuck Gabby, she’s too dick-whipped for that, but you . . .” I use my other hand to brush a thumb over her cheek. “You were easy prey. A lonely bookworm who doesn’t need a man. I knew I could use my charm to get you to fall for me.”
“Just tell me that it isn’t true.”
Is she serious? “I can’t. You and Gabby have it figured out. I fucked you for months just to hurt Brandon because that makes sense.”
“You hurt Gabby, you hurt Brandon. Fuck with his relationship. I mean, it’s something he would do.”
I’m not him. “You’re right.” I release her. “You caught me. Plan ruined.”
She shakes her head slowly from side to side, raising her eyes to meet mine. “You said it yourself, I’m yours to play with until you get bored. Was that what this was?”
My own words coming back to haunt me shouldn’t surprise me. “Yeah. I’m definitely bored now.” Don’t touch her again. Touching her was a mistake, because letting her go fucking hurts.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Did it finally happen, and I let myself get so fucked-up that I could believe, what? That she loved me? That I was actually capable of loving her too?
Jesus. Christ.
I take a step closer to her, but I don’t touch her. “You were a really fun plaything though. Maybe one of the best I’ve had.”
Tears fill her eyes as she looks at me. “Get. Out.”
“No problem.” I look at the window seat where we fucked for the first time and then walk to the still-opened door, stopping before I cross the threshold. “I’ll never look at a library the same.”
Her voice is a choked cry. “Leave, asshole.”
And I do. I walk out that door and don’t look back. I run to Brandon and Gabby’s, which isn’t easy considering my lung capacity is absolute shit. But I fly inside to the room I’ve used and grab everything I brought with me, shoving it into my bag and slinging it over my shoulder.
And of course, I run right into Brandon. “Fuck!”
“What’s going on?” He looks at my bag. “Where are you going?”
“Your girl wins. I’m out of here.”
I start to walk down the hall, but the fucker blocks me. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
“Ask her.”
“No, I’m asking you.”
“Elle fucking hates me because of Gabby, which is fine by me. She wins, and I’m out of your hair.”
He looks really fucking confused and annoyed now. “Elle? What the hell does she have to do with anything?”
Gabby walks out of their bedroom in her pajamas, her hair piled on her head, and I look right at Brandon. “Of course, she hasn’t told you what’s going on. She thinks you’re so fucking fragile, this might break you.”
“What’s going on?” Gabby’s really fucking good. She nearly manages to pull off the whole innocent thing.
I look her directly in the eyes. “You fucking win.”
“What did you do?”
I fight the urge to walk closer to Gabby. Brandon will knock my ass out if I take one step near her, and I don’t need that shit right now. “I didn’t do shit, but you had a nice little talk with Elle today, huh?”
“We talked, yes. And maybe I opened her eyes to your bullshit.”
Brandon looks down at Gabby, confusion still swimming in his eyes. “What’s going on?”
She answers him, and it’s clear how against me being with her friend she is. “He’s been sleeping with Elle for months behind our backs, and who knows why.”
Brandon looks at me. “You have?”
Fuck this shit. “None of it matters. I’m going back to my life, and you all can go back to yours.”
I take off down the hall, and Brandon follows, meeting me at the door. “That’s not a life.”
I turn to face him, pissed-off at the whole fucking situation. “And this is? Talk about settling. Being on a leash and living only for her? I fucking pity you, man.”
“You should be so fucking lucky.”
“Never.” I look back at the hallway where Gabby is standing, waiting for him with her arms crossed and a soft, sad look on her pretty face. I look back at Brandon. “That will never be me.”
“Be a selfish asshole your whole life, then.”
“I intend to.”
I walk out the door, slamming it behind me as I start to walk to Aggieville, knowing I can grab a cab to the airport there.
I should have stayed away.
Everything is so screwed up. I haven’t talked to Gabby or Blake for over a week. I pushed him away, and I don’t have my best friend.
Everyone is heading out for Thanksgiving, and I feel like I’m dying, fading out of existence because of a man.
A charming, sexy, spoiled, rich boy I fell for. This is all my fault. I knew better, but somehow, I still fell into his trap.
Whether it was a well-thought-out plan or not, I did what I always said I wouldn’t, and now I can’t focus on anything.
“Elle . . .” I look over at Ophelia, who nods toward the entrance of the door, and I swear my heart stops for a minute as I look over, not knowing who’s walking through.
It’s Gabby.
She looks hesitant but walks to me. “Can we talk for a minute?”
I’m still angry about our fight, but I miss the hell out of her. “Of course.” I nod my head toward Ophelia. “Do you mind covering for me for a minute?”
She smiles sweetly, knowing everything that happened. “Not at all.”
I walk with Gabby to a table, and she takes a seat first, followed by me. This is terribly awkward, which is something I never thought I could feel with Gabby.
“I’m sorry, Elle.”
I look over at her, slightly surprised she’s starting out this way. “You are?”
“Of course, I am. You’re my best friend. I don’t want to fight with you.” She looks out the window sadly. “I was an asshole. And you weren’t completely wrong.”
“I should have told you about Blake.”
Her eyes meet mine, and she shrugs. “Things have been off since I moved out. I haven’t been myself at all.”
“You’re under a lot of pressure.”
She laughs at that. “You’re one to talk.”
I shrug, laughing too. “I know you’re afraid he’s going to use again.”
“It’s so hard. I trust him with everything inside me, and I always have, even before he was clean. I just had this feeling he was good.”
I feel a dull ache in my chest, thinking about Blake. I thought he was an asshole from day one. Maybe our first instincts are always right. “I know. He’s not going to hurt you, Gabby.”
“I’ve just expected him to relapse. And then I’ve been waiting to fix it when we needed to, because I’m never leaving him, no matter what.”
I nod my head. “You’re a fixer, but Brandon isn’t broken. He’s healed, and you did that.”
“He did.”
“You both did.”
She smiles and takes my hand from across the table. “I don’t trust Blake, but if you do, that’s what matters. I was angry that you didn’t tell me. And I was scared and confused.”
“I don’t think you were wrong. He left pretty damn fast. And didn’t deny anything.”
“Did he admit to anything?”
He called me a plaything. He said a lot of things. “It didn’t end well.”
“I’m so sorry, Elle.” She squeezes my hand, and I see tears in her eyes. “I miss you. And not just the last week, but this whole semester has been hard.”
I miss her too. So bad. Maybe that’s what led me to Blake. The asshole was right, I was lonely. “We’ll do better, but you have Brandon now. You guys have to focus on your relationship.”
She gives me a smile and releases my hand, taking a deep breath. “We had a long talk when Blake left. Well, we had several long talks.” I’d assumed he left but wasn’t sure until just now. “I can’t keep worrying about Brandon constantly just because Cash and Michael aren’t here. He talks to them a lot on the phone, we’re going back home tomorrow for break, and he’s going to a meeting with them. I have to stop thinking about what could happen and live in the now.”
“You’re pretty good at that.”
She smiles and wipes a tear from her eye. “I need to hold onto that.”
I can’t wait any longer and ask, just to confirm, “Blake left?”
She looks sympathetic. “Yes. That night we fought, and I’m guessing you guys fought too.”
