Fixation, page 15
I turn to my mother. “This is what you wanted to talk about?”
“Yes, Blake. You cannot just drift through life. Do you realize how difficult it is when people ask me what you’re doing and I have to make up something and change the subject as quickly as I can?”
I stare at her, knowing she’s completely serious. Her life’s passion is making other people envy her. These are the people I come from.
My fingernails scrape over the denim fabric of my jeans as I fight the urge to leave, to find my old dealers or go to the liquor store.
Finding a quick release is not the answer. It will leave me feeling empty.
Fucking AA.
“I need some time to think about it.”
My father looks surprised. “What’s there to think about? I’m handing you a career. For someone with no motivation whatsoever, I’d think this is a no-brainer. You don’t even have to work for it.”
“Maybe I’m tired of having everything handed to me. Maybe I’m through with easy.”
He laughs in my face. I wouldn’t expect anything else. “Yeah. I’m not sure what kind of game you’re playing, but I’ll give you until the end of the summer, no longer. I’ll need you to start next fall.”
I stand tall but agree to nothing.
“We’ll be in touch.”
He places a hand on my mother’s back and leads her out of the house, and I don’t feel any sort of relief until I see their car pull away.
I reach into my back pocket and find Michael’s number, calling him.
He answers quickly, but calmly. “What’s up?”
“I need to go to a meeting.”
I can hear him smile. “I’ll be there in ten.”
I hang up and sit on the couch, my sweaty palms smoothing over my thighs.
How is this worth it?
I knock on the familiar door and shake my head from side to side, thinking about the first time I showed up here. It seems like a lifetime ago.
Brandon opens the door and immediately looks worried. “Blake? You okay?”
“I’m fine. Graduation is tomorrow, and I wanted to be here to support Gabby.”
He looks suspicious, and I don’t blame him. It’s not like Gabby and I are best friends or anything, but I do owe her a lot for coming to my house on Thanksgiving, starting me toward waking up.
“And I’m supposed to keep busy. This was something to do.”
He smiles at that. “Yeah, that part’s a bitch.”
“Tell me about it. I took up running. Like, actually running. I’ve smoked way too much shit for way too long for my lungs to allow that shit.”
He laughs now, and the sound is comforting. “Yeah. Been there.”
I shrug my shoulders. “But . . . it keeps me busy.”
“Good. Come in. You can stay here.”
I shake my head. “Nah, I’m staying in a hotel. I just wanted to let you know I’m here and I’ll be at graduation tomorrow.”
“You can stay here, Blake. You’re welcome here.”
“No.” I swallow hard as I look behind him. I can see the dining room table from here. Where we all sat, and I made that bet with Elle about Led Zeppelin songs. “There are a lot of memories here. I just thought I’d show up for Gabby.”
He folds his arms over his chest. “Okay. I appreciate that, and I know she will too.”
“I owe you guys a lot, and I’m sorry I was such a shithead, trying to challenge your sobriety every chance I got. It wasn’t about you.”
“Oh, I know all about being a shithead. I also knew from the moment you knocked on my door the first time that you came here for help.”
I swallow the pain. I was alone. I was broken. And I came here because I wasn’t sure about where my life was going even if I couldn’t admit it to myself, much less anyone else. I came here for clarity, and I found it.
“Thank you.”
It’s simple, but there’s nothing else to say. Brandon and I aren’t going into deep conversation. Neither of us wants or needs that. He knew I needed help, and he helped me.
As simple as that.
“Okay, well I gotta get going.”
“You really think a hotel is safe?”
“Yeah. I’m going to check in now, but I chose this one because there’s a meeting nearby. I’ll go to it.”
He walks out the door and closes it behind him.
“What are you doing?”
“I could use a meeting.”
I smirk, knowing what he’s doing, and I’m grateful for it. We ride the few short blocks toward the hotel, near Aggieville, but somehow, I’m not worried about the possible temptation. I’m in an oddly calm place.
“My dad wants me to come work for him.”
“Fucking real estate?”
I chuckle and park the car in the hotel parking lot. “Yeah.”
“And?”
“It makes me want to blow my brains out, but what the fuck can I do. It’s not like I have any skills, and I can’t survive without money.”
“Sounds dangerous to me, man. Your parents are toxic motherfuckers.”
“No doubt. But it’s not like my father is even there anymore. It would just be collecting a paycheck, like most of America.”
He looks worried but doesn’t say anything.
I know it’s not a good idea, but I’m not sure I have another choice. Then, something catches my eye across the street.
Orange Vans.
My eyes slide up long legs in faded denim jeans and a gray sweatshirt with the sleeves slid up to the elbows. And Elle, licking an ice cream cone, casually talking to some douchebag I don’t know.
“Elle.”
Brandon looks slightly panicked as he looks through the windshield. “Oh. Fuck.”
“Who the hell is that?”
“Don’t worry about it.” He points toward the hotel. “You’re here for graduation and a meeting. Remember. Not Elle.”
The guy, who has his own cone, places a hand on her back, and I feel rage like I’ve never felt, my hands gripping the steering wheel. “Who the fuck is he, Brandon?”
He takes a deep breath and releases it. “That’s Cooper.”
Fucking stupid name. “Who is he?”
“Don’t worry about it.”
I turn to face him. “Who?”
“It’s the guy she’s dating.” I grab the door handle. He’s already flying out of his seat and is around to the driver’s side as I climb out, his body blocking mine.
“Move.”
“Do not do anything stupid. She has every right to date someone else, man. You guys were never even really dating.”
“Fuck you and move.” I slam the car door, and he runs a hand over his chin, probably thinking about knocking me out for my own good. “Brandon, move.”
He steps out of my way, and I haul ass across the street with him on my heels. Elle looks horrified as we approach. The douchebag with her is uncertain but calm on the outside.
“Blake? What are you doing here?”
“I’m here for graduation. What the hell are you doing?”
I see irritation flicker in her eyes, but she stays calm, still holding the ice cream in her hand. “I’m having ice cream and an extremely pleasant conversation. And what do you mean you’re here for graduation? You aren’t graduating.”
“Gabby is.”
“That’s not why you’re here.”
“You think I’m here for you?”
I size up Cooper as I wait for her answer. What the fuck does she see in this guy? The fucker is wearing khakis and a sweater. It’s fucking May.
“You and Gabby aren’t even friends. Why would you show up for her graduation?” She turns to Brandon. “Why wouldn’t Gabby tell me this?”
He raises his hands in surrender. “She doesn’t even know he’s here yet. She’s shopping with Brooke.”
Elle surprises me when she tosses what was left of her ice cream in the trash and grabs my arm, pulling me away from Cooper and Brandon and keeping her voice low.
“Why are you here? Last time I saw you, you told me to find a guy who fit into my plan.” She points over at Cooper, who looks suspicious and confused. But he doesn’t move. Good little lap dog. “Cooper is perfect.”
“That guy?” I also point at Cooper, and she knocks my arm down, pulling my attention back to her. “That guy screams boredom. I mean, I want to yawn just looking at him.”
“Because you crave chaos. I don’t. I see a stable guy who knows what he wants. He likes my plans.”
“I can be part of your plan too.”
She looks me over cautiously, her gray eyes taking their time bouncing over my eyes, my nose, my lips, every part of my face. “You wouldn’t even know where to begin.”
She starts to walk off, and I frantically shout out, “I’m sober.”
She stops and turns toward me. “I know.”
“Keeping tabs on me?”
She takes a step closer to me. “Gabby told me. I didn’t ask.” She looks conflicted as she takes a deep breath, and I know this is hard for her. “I’m happy for you. That’s great, but it changes nothing. You’re built for doing what you want when you feel like it. I need to have a plan to feel safe. We’re too different.”
“You’re wrong.”
“I’m not.” She looks over her shoulder at Cooper and then back at me. “I’m grateful for what we had. But you were right, it was something to hold onto as a brief memory.”
I take another step closer to her, the anger flooding my senses and spinning me out of control. “Someone to think about when you fuck him.” I nod my head in his direction, and he doesn’t move.
“Not yet.” She shrugs. “Maybe someday.”
With that fucking cryptic message, she walks away from me, hooking her arm around his and waving to Brandon as they walk off together.
Brandon joins me, squeezing my shoulder. “How about that meeting?”
I nod numbly as I watch her leave. I didn’t push her away this time. I’m the best I can be right fucking now. And she walked away.
She willingly chose him.
Gabby looks absolutely gorgeous as she walks down the aisle escorted by Dylan, her white dress flowing as the sun seems to follow her as it sets in the sky.
We graduated without a hitch, and now we’re at Gabby and Brandon’s intimate, backyard wedding. It’s everything I could have imagined for their day, the groomsmen all in elegant, black tuxes, the bridesmaids all in beautiful champagne-colored gowns that scream elegance with deep V necklines, flowing skirts, and sheer long sleeves. They’re the epitome of class. My hair is in a low pony with long bangs swept to the side, framing my face. It’s a stormy, chilly June evening, and the attire is perfect. The wedding is perfect.
Thankfully, the rain held out, and the outdoor ceremony has been a dry one.
I look out into the crowd and see nothing but familiar, friendly faces in the white chairs. Gabby’s only sister, Cassie, is her maid of honor and no, I’m not bitter. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. To the Monroes, family is everything.
I’m happy to be a bridesmaid with Brooke, Alex, and her sister-in-law, Dani. Blake catches my eye as he stands next to Michael, who is Brandon’s best man.
He looks too damn good in his suit in between Cash and Michael. But he’s not watching me.
He’s watching Gabby, which is where my eyes should be also.
Dylan hands her off to Brandon as he takes his spot next to Cash, and they start the vows. I’m so incredibly happy for my friends, but my mind is on my last conversation with Blake.
He showed up out of nowhere, clean and sober, pissed-off at me for being with someone else as if he expected me to be waiting for him.
I was angry. I was confused and a little cruel, but judging from his vicious snarls every time I’ve caught his eye today, I’m assuming he’s not up for being civil.
I wish Cooper was here, but he had an important meeting for grad school, and we’re still keeping it fairly casual.
He was even understanding about Blake showing up and growling at him like a rabid dog.
Because that’s Cooper—easygoing, fun, uncomplicated in the best possible way.
Unlike Blake, who makes everything so freaking complicated for no reason other than to make it complicated.
Asshole.
Before I know it, Brandon and Gabby are being pronounced man and wife and kissing, and I have no idea where the entire ceremony went.
Shit.
Gabby purposely had me walk with Cash and not Blake because she’s thoughtful like that, and we join, my arm hooked in his, following Blake and Alex down the aisle and to a tent that was set up behind the ceremony.
It’s full of tables and a dance floor, beautiful tealights strewn about and sparkling. It’s like a fairytale. It is an absolutely perfect wedding.
I watch Brandon, Michael, Cash, and Blake as they huddle in a corner, having what appears to be an AA meeting while others move about dancing and eating. There’s a whole lot of alcohol here, so I guess it makes sense for the addicts to stick together to avoid temptation.
I still can’t believe Blake is sober. I wasn’t even entirely certain he was an addict, but I suppose that’s something we all have to decide for ourselves, what is actually crossing the line and going too far.
“I’m married!”
Gabby hugs my body tightly as I take a sip of champagne.
“I’m so happy for you, Gabs. Today was perfect.”
We take a seat at one of the tables, her entire face lit up with possibility and happiness. “It really was. It was everything I could have imagined.”
Gabby and Brandon are moving into their own home here in Kansas City when they get back from their honeymoon. Gabs is going to continue her education locally, and again, I’m incredibly happy for my friend, but I’m going to miss the hell out of her.
“Now, you just have to finish your next degree and get your ass here.”
I laugh at that and take a drink. “That is definitely the plan.”
“I can’t wait.” Her eyes drift toward Brandon and then land on Blake. “I can’t help but notice he doesn’t have a dance partner tonight and neither do you.”
“You realize you didn’t want us together only months ago, right?”
She shrugs and takes a drink of her own champagne. “You live, you learn, Elle. He’s really doing great.”
“I thought you liked Cooper?”
We’ve done a couple of double dates, and Cooper even gets along with Brandon because that’s how perfect he is. “I do. I’m just saying you two aren’t making it official, and I’ve seen your eyes on Blake every free second you’ve had.”
Well, damn. I take another sip. “You saw that?”
“I see everything.” She laughs and places the champagne flute on the table and taking mine and placing it next to hers before taking my hands. “I just want you to be happy. People are assholes, and we all have opinions. I overreacted, and I set you on a different path, one I feel guilty about unless you’re truly happy.”
“He’s just really good-looking, Gabs. That’s it.” I look at Blake over my shoulder, his hair perfectly styled, his tux fitting him to a T, and that handsome face full of laughter and fun as he talks to the guys around him. “And sexy.”
“Oh girl, I worry about you.”
I laugh and look back at her. “You don’t worry about anything but this day.”
The impromptu meeting disburses, and Brandon walks over, a sly smile on his face as he reaches his hand out for Gabby. She releases me and takes his hand as she stands up, looking into his eyes with so much love, it leaves me mesmerized for a moment.
Gabby looks at me. “I love you, Elle. Thank you for being here.”
“I love you too. Now go dance with your husband.”
Brandon offers a kind smile before whisking his bride off to the dance floor, holding her close, and I smile as several other happy couples follow soon after, some bringing their kids with them.
After hours of food, dancing, cake, and toasts, the evening starts to slow down, some people leave, some are still clinging to each other, and then I have that feeling of someone watching me.
Knowing in my heart I should just ignore it, I go ahead and do the stupid thing, lifting my eyes and meeting Blake’s.
Damn. It.
Please get uglier. Those icy blues meet mine, and everything comes rushing back—our first hookup at my apartment, the library, Ophelia’s birthday party, the stolen moments in my apartment, making plans, the most intense fight I’ve ever had with Gabby, the horrible fight with him that followed, Christmas. The end.
And in his eyes, I see he’s going through every memory at the same time.
This is not good.
For the love of God.
Get uglier.
She’s too perfect. Too beautiful. Too fucking everything.
The gown she’s wearing pisses me off. It dips low in the front making me salivate and crave her more than I have anything in my life.
I don’t see Cooper anywhere and haven’t all day.
Fuck it.
I walk to where she’s alone like a sitting duck, waiting for me, whether she realizes it or not.
“Dance with me.”
Her gray eyes meet mine, fear and desire swimming in them. “No.”
I hold my hand out for her. “One dance.”
“I’ve told you before, you’re dangerous.”
“Don’t lose all of your fire so soon, Elle. Tell me you have some of that fight left.”
She stands, taking the bait, and I smile. “Did it ever occur to you that I’ve spent my entire life fighting for what I want, and maybe, just maybe, I don’t want that in my love life also.”
I use a hand to tip her chin up, her eyes meeting mine. Before I can answer her, I hear the opening notes of “Going to California” start to fill the tent, and her eyes question me. “I didn’t request this.”
“I didn’t either.”
I look over at Gabby and Brandon, who look content on the dancefloor and then back at Elle. “I think you like the fight, Elle. I think you know what I didn’t.”
“And what’s that?”
I lean in too close, but I want her to take me seriously. “If you don’t fight for it, tooth and nail, then it isn’t worth it. If you don’t want to work for something, then it’s not good enough for you.”
