One Good Reason, page 15
Gregory’s back was to me when I walked in the room, but Noah had a perfect view. I wore tight-fitted black satin pants, a somewhat sheer white blouse, and black stilettos. I left my long hair down but curled it. I knew I looked good but seeing Noah’s face solidified the fact.
Gregory turned around and dropped his jaw towards his chest. “Natalie, you look stunning.”
“Thank you.” I avoided eye contact with Noah. “Shall we go?”
As Gregory looked over his shoulder to reverse out of the driveway, I stared at Noah watching us from the front window. My heart sank. I wished it were Noah taking me out on a date tonight.
I arrived home around one thirty. Gregory wanted to walk me to the door, but I felt more comfortable saying goodnight in his car. It was a nice date. He was interesting, but there was no spark for me. I unlocked the door, twisted the doorknob and quietly pushed open the door so not to wake Erin or Noah. When I entered the house, I jumped when I saw Noah sitting in a chair in the dark.
“What are you doing up?” I whispered.
“Waiting for you?” His voice was louder than a whisper. “Did you have a good time?”
“It was nice. He’s very nice.”
“Will you go out again?” His voice got louder.
“I don’t know. I don’t want to discuss this right now.” I still whispered.
“Don’t see him again.” His voice grew louder as he spoke.
“Noah, lower your voice, Erin is asleep.”
He stood up. “Follow me downstairs.”
I did as he said even though all I wanted to do was sleep. Down in the wine cellar, Noah paced the floor agitated. He raked his hands through his hair. I stood still watching him until I could not take it anymore.
“Noah, What is wrong with you?” The intensity of my voice shocked me. “You gave Gregory my number. Why would you do that? You asked me not to run into another man’s arms, and then you give him my phone number.”
“He told me he asked you out the night of the Gala and you said yes. So I gave him your number as a test.”
His words jolted me. He was testing me. Gregory never asked me out at the Gala. I no longer knew what the truth was. But I knew that Noah was expecting me to hurt him and he was always helping the cause. He pushes to see how much I can take. Waiting for me to leave him so he can say another woman fucked him over.
“Why are you still here?” His voice bellowed throughout the wine cellar.
“I don’t know anymore.” I remained calm. “I think that its time for me to leave here, to leave you.”
Noah looked at me like that was the last thing he expected to hear. “Leave?”
“Yes, Noah, I can’t do this anymore. It’s time for me to leave. I should have left a long time ago.”
“You’d leave me? You’d leave Erin?”
“Trust me, it would be painful, but I can’t do this anymore with you.” I motioned to space between him and me.
Noah looked panicked, but when he didn’t respond, I moved past him to go to my room. Before I made it to the first step, Noah grabbed my arm. “Why did you stay?” His voice was eerily calm. “I expected you to leave after the first weekend. Why did you stay and take all my abuse for all these months?”
I was tired of his anger, tired of his cruelty. I screamed. “What the hell is wrong with you? How could you be so stupid? It’s YOU!” I lowered my voice. “I stayed because I am in love with you and I love your daughter. I’ve told you over and over I’m in love with you. Why can’t you say it back? Why can’t you allow yourself to feel love, to be loved?”
He dropped his chin to his chest. “I don’t know. I’m fucked up, and I fucked us up.”
“Yeah, you did, but I’m still here! I can’t do this anymore with you. I no longer feel the difference between your kindness and your cruelty because one always follows the other. Why do you want to hurt me? You need to stop. You need to let me be.” Without waiting for a response, I walked away.
When I got to the top of the stairs, Noah called up to me. “Natalie, wait! Please don’t leave me.”
I swung around. He was at the bottom of the stairs looking up at me. He looked desperate. “That’s what you don’t get, Noah. I don’t leave you. Every other week when Erin is not here, you leave me! You take all the joy I experience throughout the week with you and Erin, and you shit on it come Sunday night when she leaves.”
“Natalie, marry me.” His hands scrubbed his face muffling his words.
“What did you just say?” I heard the exhaustion and disgust in my voice.
He dropped his hands to his side and looked up at me. “Marry me.”
I wanted to say yes, but I knew better. “No, Noah. I will not marry you. I will stay here and take care of Erin because I love her like she is my own but I won’t marry you. And I will look for my own place, so on the weeks Erin is not with us, I’ll stay there.”
“But you said you love me.”
“I do. And that’s why I won’t marry you and why I need to get a place of my own.” I walked away and left him standing there at the bottom of the stairs.
I made it up to the top of the second-floor staircase when Noah came up abruptly behind me. Now whispering he begged me to come into his room to talk. I begged him to let me be, but instead, he grabbed my arm and dragged me into his room.
The room remained dark except for the moonlight casting a soft bluish light throughout the large space. He asked me to sit on his bed while he stood in front of me. “Please, Natalie look at me.” He took both my hands in his and with his head slumped over staring down he spoke.
“Natalie, my mother was an alcoholic. She spent every waking hour sitting in a chair in front of the television with a vodka bottle and a carton of cigarettes next to her. She never interacted with me unless I was making too much noise. The slightest noise from me set her off. Daily, she pounded the shit out of me to shut me up. She was my mother, and I loved her, so I never told my father.”
Noah sucked in a deep breath. His jaw twitched, and he gripped my hands tighter still not making eye contact with me. Pulling on his hands, I guided him down to sit next to me on the bed.
“One afternoon while she was watching one of her daytime television shows, I ran through the house wearing my cape and brandishing my sword while yelling out. She stood up, and the evilness in her eyes froze over me. She grabbed my plastic sword and whipped me with it. The contact of the hard plastic on my skin felt like fire. I always tried to run from her, or crawl up in a fetal position to protect myself, but she always seemed to trap me into a corner and unload her fury on me. That particular beating ended with a few kicks to my ribs and one last hard crack across my face. She dropped the hard plastic sword and walked out of the room. I stayed in the corner until my father came home. He was shocked to find me beaten. Bruises and welts covered me, and she broke ribs. He begged me to tell him everything. My mother disappeared that afternoon and never came back. Two years later we got word that she died from an aneurysm in her stomach. The report stated that she bled out all over.”
“Noah, I’m so sorry.” I pulled my hands from his grip and wrapped my arms around him. His body fell heavy into mine, and he sobbed. Through his sobs, he continued talking.
“Natalie, even after everything that woman did to me I still loved her. I wanted to be near her. I wanted her to come home. She beat the living shit out of me on a daily basis and I still wanted her. Every day after school I stared out the window hoping and waiting for her to come home.”
I cried for Noah, not only for the Noah before me now, but also, the small boy that loved his mother even when she unloaded unspeakable cruelty on him.
We spoke of nothing more. We laid back and fell asleep in each other’s arms until sunlight woke us the next morning. I opened my eyes and watched Noah. His eyes remained closed, and his breathing was steady, but he was awake.
“Natalie?”
“Yes, Noah.”
“I do love you. I always have, and I’m sorry I lied and told you I didn’t. I knew how much I hurt you when I spoke those words.”
“Noah, I know you love me, even when you said otherwise, I knew it. I need you to trust me. I need you to allow yourself to let me love you. I’m not going anywhere. I need you not to go anywhere, anymore. I mean physically and emotionally I need you to stay and work this out with me.”
The bedroom door flung open, and Erin stood in the threshold. Noah and I wore our clothes from the night before. I was more uncomfortable than Noah or Erin. Erin jumped on the bed and squirmed her way between Noah and me. Then she looked at Noah than to me and asked, “Did you tell her.”
I looked at Noah, and he looked at me. “You told your daughter that you loved me before you told me?”
“As soon as I figured it out, I had to tell someone.” He admitted.
“Does this mean you’re getting married?” Erin asked.
Noah and I looked at each other. For me, every fight was a breakthrough, but I knew better. "Erin, honey, your daddy and I love each other, but we need to take things slow.”
Erin directed her question at her father. “Daddy, you do want to marry Natalie, right?”
“Yes, honey I do, but first I have a lot of work to do.” He wrapped his arm across Erin and rested his hand on my stomach.
“Okay, but you’ll tell me when it’s time. Right?”
Noah and I answered in unison. “Yes.”
The following weeks Noah made significant changes. During the day, he worked but texted me throughout his day. At night we’d have dinner together where we talked about so many things. He even planned date nights for us when we didn’t have Erin. I learned so much more about him, and I realized that Noah yearned for a normal married life with children, but his relationship with his abusive mother as a young boy warped his thinking.
Noah didn’t believe it was possible for him to be loved and his decision to fuck escorts rather than pursuing a healthy relationship was all about redemption and retribution. Redemption because somewhere in his childhood he learned to believe that he deserved no better, so he paid for sex. Showing them no respect was his retribution for the pain his mother inflicted on him.
His biggest hurdle would be trusting in me. I never gave him a reason not to, but Noah’s insecurities lived deep in his soul. My responsibility in our relationship was to show him love. Love was what I offered, and all I had to give.
Chapter 12
It was a non-Erin week and Noah had business in Washington State. He left five days ago but today he was coming home. I missed him even though he called me multiple times a day. I grew very attached to him so when he was not around I felt it keenly. This was the longest he left me since we worked on our relationship.
It was Friday afternoon, and I expected Noah around four. He called me earlier in the day to ask me to cancel the reservations we had at our favorite restaurant. Before he left, we made those plans, but since being apart for five days, he felt like staying in where we could be alone together.
My cell phone rang. Noah’s name appeared on the screen.
“You landed,” I asked.
“Yes, baby, I’ll be home in about an hour.” He took in a sharp inhale. “I missed you. I can’t wait to see you.”
“Me too. Is there anything you want me to do before you get here?” I asked.
“Natalie, I need to talk to you. Go down to the wine cellar, pick out one of our favorites, open it, and let it breathe.” I thought for sure he would tell me to go up to his room, lay naked on his bed and wait for him.
“Okay. Is it anything serious?”
“We’ll talk when I get home.” He paused then added, “Natalie, I missed you and I love you.”
The next hour passed slowly. I was eager to see him because not only did I spend five days without him, but also now, he wanted to talk about something. I paced the entire house waiting for him and ended upstairs in the hallway when the front door swung open. I ran to the top of the stairs just as Noah was yelling out for me. He looked up, dropped his bags to the floor, and we met in the middle of the staircase: hugging, kissing and just staring at each other.
“Natalie, I’m so glad to be home with you.”
“Being away from you this week was difficult. I don’t know what to do with you first.” I wanted to look at him, touch him, and kiss every part of him.
“Let me change and then I need to talk to you. It’s important and it can’t wait.”
“You’re making me nervous.”
“Baby, don’t be. Go downstairs relax and I’ll be right down.” He kissed my lips firmly then patted my butt. “Go. I’ll be right there.”
I could not relax. What was so urgent? I sat in the family room tapping my foot on the floor. I poured us some wine and waited for Noah to come down. I heard him coming down the stairs. “I’m in the family room,” I yelled out to him.
He walked in wearing pajama bottoms and a tee shirt. The man was mouth watering.
He picked up a glass of wine and handed it to me then took the other glass for himself. “Cheers, my love.” We clinked glasses and took our first sip.
“Noah you have me very nervous. What kind of talk do we need to have?”
“Natalie, being away from you was difficult. Since you came into my life it hasn’t been easy being apart from you.”
“In the beginning you sure made it look easy.” I reminded him.
“In the beginning, it was my punishment. It was torture. At least this time I could talk to you while I was gone.” Noah called me throughout the day and then at night, we talked until one of us fell asleep. “Natalie, I need to take the next step with you. You know how much I love my daughter.” He moved closer to the edge of the couch and placed his glass down on the coffee table. He took my glass from out of my hand and placed it next to his then he held both my hands.
“Yes. And though she’s not my biological daughter, I love her like she is my own.”
“I know you do and I’m happy it worked out that way but I want more.” He brought my palms together and rubbed the tops of both my hands.
“More out of life, more from me?” I was not sure where he was going with this.
“More children with you. The one thing I do not have is a child with a woman I love. I need that.”
My only response was to shake my head because I was at a loss for words.
“My ex and I divorced right after Erin was born. I want to experience having a child with the woman I love by my side. I want to be together when our child cries in the middle of the night. I want to be together when she or he spits out their first vegetables. With Erin’s first steps I had no one to call, no one to be excited with. It was lonely. You, Natalie, are giving me a second chance.”
I cried the first sentence in. “So we will try to get pregnant.”
“Yes, is that something you want?” He had yet to release my hands.
“Yes, I would love to have a child with you, Noah.” He wrapped his arms around me, cradling me while kissing the top of my head.
Before sitting back, he handed my glass back to me and we clinked glasses. “When can you go off the pill?”
“This will be my last pack.” I took a sip of wine then placed the glass back on the table.
“Good the sooner we start the better.” He rose from the couch. “I’ll be right back. I’ll get us some snacks. Oh and I almost forgot. You’ll need this.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a red box with a gold clasp.
“Noah!” Tears fell from my eyes. He got down on one knee next to my chair. He opened the box. Inside was a stunning brilliant cut diamond set in platinum. My mouth dropped open. I never held such a large diamond, and I never thought I'd own one. Noah took the ring from the box and reached for my hand.
“Natalie Hill, now will you marry?”
Chapter 13
Distracted by Noah’s hands roaming my body, it took three tries to slide the key in the door. “Noah, I’m trying to focus.”
“I am too.” He breathed into my neck then followed it with a bite.
Finally, I got the door open, and we both stumbled in. He stood behind me and leaned into my ear. “Upstairs,” Noah ordered me. His voice was rough from need, “my bedroom tonight.”
I kept my things in my room but slept in Noah’s room most nights unless Noah returned home late from work. Those nights I stayed in my room and he’d come to me.
Since the engagement, Noah and I discussed moving. I wanted a clean slate because that one room was a constant reminder of the paid escorts he brought home. We talked about hiring a decorator to change the entire room. Switching out the furniture might help but we still contemplated moving.
“Yes, sir.” I pushed back into him and rubbed on his erection bulging from his pants.
Noah followed me up the stairs, his hands never leaving my backside. “Baby, have I told you today how much I love your ass.”
“Today and every day.” Noah loved having me from behind and I loved being on top so we made sufficient compromises by alternating throughout the night. I knew it was more of my compromise than his since he secretly liked both ways and so did I but I had no view when he did me from behind. He said he would reposition the mirror in his room to afford me a view but he had yet to move it.
Once in his bedroom, he stripped me of my dress and I stripped him of his suit. He wrapped his arm around me and lifted me further onto his bed. Straddling me, he kissed me from my head down to my belly. As he moved, further down to my sweet spot between my legs he asked me, “Did you stop taking your pill like we discussed.”
“I did.”
Noah inhaled the skin right up above my clit and then released a pleasurable moan. “When baby?”
“My last pill was the day before my period.”
“And when was that?” He sucked on my clit and I bucked my hips up to meet him.
