When We Were Romans, page 10
But then I had another thought, I thought “what if it wasn’t mum at all, what if its Gabrielly?” Then I thought “what could he do when everybodies sleeping?” and I thought “well, he might go in the kitchen where my box is and he might start wrecking all my tintins” I thought “he might put my hotwheels in the garbage.” After that I thought “no, he’s probably not doing that, he’s probably just asleep” but then I thought “but he might be” and d’you know that thought just wouldn’t go away, it wouldn’t budge, it kept coming back until it made me go all awake, it made me get really cross. So I thought “he’d better dam well not be doing that, that little sneeky, nasty no animal.” Now I thought “perhaps I’d better just go and see” and I got up from the sofa bed, but then I stopped, because I thought “what if it’s a trick, what if I go out and then he sneaks in behind me and does something terrible to Hermann?” But then I thought “no he can’t, not if I’m really quick.”
So I went out of the sitting room, I walked across to the kitchen, and the door was open just a tiny slit so I looked in. And it wasn’t Gabrielley at all, actually, it was Cloudio and mum instead, they were sitting at the kitchen table and they had glasses of wine so I thought “thats all right then, I’ll go back now before Gabrielly sneaks in behind me.” But then I notised something, because Cloudio had his hand on mums back, so I thought “that’s strange.” I heard mum through the door, she said “don’t be silly, bear, really we can’t” and I thought “thats strange too, how does she know Cloudios a bear?” Then Cloudio said “her dinner won’t finish till eleven and its a long way.” Mum said “really bear, no” and then Cloudio made a kind of little moan like he was going to cry and he did a really funny thing, because suddenley he put his head down, it was like he was divving into a swimming pool but he put it down between mums arms, and I felt funny like I couldn’t breath, it was like when I noticed that Hermanns door was wide open.
Cloudio said something, it was a bit hard to hear because he said it into mum’s boddy but I heard it any way, he said “I don’t care about Chintsier all I care about is you Hannah” and I thought “hes definitely going to cry now” I thought “I don’t like you any more” I thought “I wish we never came here to these Cloudios because they are all awful, Chintsier nasty squirrel and Gabrielly sneaky no animal and Cloudio horrible bear, I wish we’d stayed with those nuns.” Now Cloudio popped his head up again, he said “I just feel so lost.” Mum said “no bear no” like she wanted him to go away, so I thought “that’s right” I thought “make him go away mum, just come back to bed right now” but then something happened, that was a real surprise. Because suddenly mum reached forward with her head and she gave Cloudio a big kiss, it went on for ages and she put her fingers round his ears. That was when I sort of went into the room. It was strange, I just found I was going in, it was like I hadn’t decided at all, it was like my feet just went by themselves. I thought “uhoh” I thought “what will I do now?” then I thought “oh yes I will get a tintin.” So I walked past, I didn’t look, it was like I hadn’t noticed they were there. I heard a chair scrapeing noise, it was just like the one I heard when I was asleep, and suddenly mum shouted out “what are you doing here, why aren’t you in bed” and she said it loud like she was really cross with me.
I didn’t say anything, I didn’t answer, I just kept quiet and went very carefully across the room to my box and got my Tintin, it was “the crab with the golden claws” It was funny, I felt like nothing was happening, I felt like I wasn’t there at all, it was like I was in space or something, but then suddenly everything just changed completly, suddenly I got really really angry, I thought “why is mum shouting at me, thats not fair, I haven’t done anything wrong, I’m just getting my Tintin, how dare she” and I really hated her for shouting at me. So I threw the crab with golden claws right across the room, I didn’t even look where it went, I think it landed on the micro waive.
I ran right out of the kitchen and I slammed the door behind me as hard as I could, I didn’t care if someone was behind me and they got their hand caught but nobody did. I ran straight into the sitting room, I slammed that door too, so Jemima woke up, she said “whats happening” but I didn’t say anything, I could hear Gabrielley shouting, he woke up as well, and I got into bed. Mum came in, she came over to me and she said “Lawrence love I’m so so sorry” but I didn’t care, I said “you shouted at me and that wasn’t fair, I’m not talking to you” but she kept on talking anyway, she said “please lawrence listen, I didn’t mean to shout at you, I’m so sorry, this is all a big mistake, Lawrence love, please, please.” I could tell she was getting upset but dyou know I just didn’t care, actually I was pleased, I thought “you go and be upset mum, you squeaze your hair and scrach your arm and say dam dam, you go sad, I don’t mind.” I didn’t take any notice of her, I thought “I will just talk to Herman now” I said “I wish mum would just shut up and go away forever, don’t you?”
CHAPTER FOUR
Along time ago when we just moved to the cottege mum said “let’s have a treat today Lawrence love, let’s go to Wipsinaide zoo.” It was sunday, there wasn’t anything to do, actually, but I felt cross, I remember it, I thought “I want to go back to Scotland, I want to see my cousins and play on Robbies computer” and I said “I don’t want to go to Wipsinaide zoo I want to stay here.”
So we just stayed at home, I watched telly and it was quite boring in fact. I sat in the kitchen playing with my cars and it was very quiet, I could hear the fridge going wirr wirr. After that we went to London zoo once and dad took me to Edinburuh zoo when I went to see him for his weekends but I never did go to Wipsnaide. Its strange, I think about that day sometimes. I wonder what animals there were that we never saw, and what food we didn’t eat for lunch, I bet there was a cafeteria, there were ice creams, and it makes me feel funny. I think oh I wish I’d just said “yes mum lets go to Wipsnaide Zoo” but of course its too late, that day is gone away now. I wasn’t speaking to anybody in the morning at Cloudios, I only talked to Hermann, I told him “we are moving to Guses now, thats good because it will be much nicer there, you will be safe from Gabrielley.” I just ate my toast, Cloudio made it but he didn’t look at me, he looked at the table or the walls, so I gave him my Caligula glaire, I think he knew but he didn’t look back, it was like he was scared. I thought “I don’t like you Cloudio” and then I read my Calamitous Cesaers.
Emporer Nero’s mother was called Agrippina and she was always shouting at Nero and ordering him around so he got really cross, he thought “how dare she say that to me.” He thought “how can I stop her from shouting at me?” He was so annoyed he took away all her soldiers, he made her move out of his palace, and then he got his freinds to ride past her house on their horses and say really rude insults at her, he thought “that will stop her” but he was wrong. None of it worked, actually she shouted at him more than before, she was terrible. So he thought “all right, I will just get her killed then, I will get her assasinated, that will stop her.” First he tried to poisson her but she was too clever and she always drank the antidoate first so the poison didn’t work. Then he got someone to break her bedroom ceiling really carefully so it would suddenly fall on her when she was sleeping, but she found out about this plan too, and she went to sleep in another room, so that didn’t work either.
Then one day Nero had a new idea, he thought “I know I will make a special collapsible boat.” He got his servants to make the boat, it took ages and then he invited his mother round for supper at his palace by the seaside, he said “lets not have any more of these stupid arguments mum, lets be friends again.” Agrippinna said “all right Nero, lets” and she came to dinner, it was very nice, it was really delicous and when they finished she said “thank you for a lovely time” and he said “not at all” so it was like they really were freinds again now. But then they went down to the sea, it was almost dark now, and Agripina notised that her boat had sunk. Nero said “oh dear, look at your boat, it must have had an accident” which was a lie of course, because he made his servants crash it. He said “don’t worry mum, you can use mine.” Agrippina said “oh thank you Nero” she never guessed, and so she sailed off in the special collapsible boat. There wasn’t a storm, the sea was calm, it was a lovley night, but then suddenly the boat began to collapse, pieces broke off and the masts dropped out until everything fell apart completly so there was nothing left, just little bits of wood. But Agripinna was a very good swimmer, so she and her servant swam all the way to the seashore, though it was a long way away, they were saved.
Agripina still didn’t guess what happened, she thought “oh dear, that wasn’t a good boat” so she sent her servant to tell Nero what happened. Nero sat on his emporers chair listening to her servant tell him that they were saved and he thought “oh no this is bad, my plan didn’t work after all” but he didn’t say anything, he pretended he was pleased, he smiled and said “poor mum, thank goodness shes all right.” But then he got someone to sneek up behind the servant and suddenly they dropped a dager on the floor beside him, it made a loud clang and Nero shouted “oh look there, its a dager, he was trying to assasasinate me, mum must have sent him.” So the servant and Aggripina were both arrested, they were executed, and he finally got her killed, he thought “hurrah.”
After that Nero was worried everybody would hate him for executing his mother, he thought “I don’t want to go back to Rome, because they will all shout really rude insults” but he was wrong. When he went back all the Romans were waiting along the road in their Sunday best, it was like Nero had just won a big war, they all cheered and shouted “well done Nero, thank goodness you weren’t assasiniated” but it wasn’t real of course, they really thought “how dreadful, he killed his own mummy” it was just so they wouldn’t get executed. So Nero thought “hurrah, I’m all right after all.”
But then a strange thing happened. Suddenly Nero knew his mother was watching him. It was her goast actually, he couldn’t see her but he knew she was there, he could feel it, she followed him everywhere and now she shouted at him even more crossly than before because he executed her. Nero thought “this is terrible” he thought “I wonder how I can make her go away?” He got special wizerds from Persher to do spells to make her appear, so he could say “I’m really sorry mum for executing you, now please just leave me alone” but the spells didn’t work, they never suceeded, and she never did appear. So he never got rid of her actually, her goast followed him for years and years, it never left him alone until he was dead too.
It wasn’t just me who wasn’t speaking in the morning, because hardly anybody was. Chintsier wasn’t speaking, she just stood by the sink with cross arms and slit eyes, so I thought “she really really hates us now.” Cloudio wasn’t speaking either, his eyes were funny like he swiched them off, it was like he was hiding behind them so he wouldn’t cry, I thought “go on Cloudio cry, cry a lot.” And Gabrielly wasn’t speaking, but that wasn’t because he was cross, actually he was really cheerful now we were going away. As soon as mum finished packing our bags he got lots of his toys and put them all in the sitting room instead of us, then he switched on the telly really loud and he sat there watching it. In fact the only one who was speaking that morning was Jemima and she wouldn’t stop, she kept saying “I want some more choclate serial” or “why are we going away again?” or “I don’t want to go to Guses, I want to go back to Crissies, I want all my animals and my dolls.” Mum answered in a funny voice, it was sort of squeeking, and her smile was too big like it might just go “pop” she said “lamikin we can’t crowd out poor Cloudio and Chintsier any longer.”
I didn’t help pack the car, I let Cloudio and mum carry everything, I thought “you do it.” I just took Hermann, I put his cage on the seat beside me and I told him “we don’t ever have to come back here again, Hermann, thats good isn’t it” and I don’t know if Cloudio heard, he was quite near, he might have. Then we drove off and I didn’t wave goodbye. Mum got lost twice, she almost hit a red car and she said “it says we’re not supposed to go down here, oh god” then finally we got to Guses. A car behind us couldn’t go past because the road was too narrow and it started honking, so Mum ran out really fast and rang the doorbell. Then lots of people came out, one was Gus, and they got all our things. Gus took Hermanns cage, I said “bye bye Hermann, don’t worry I’ll come back soon” and though they all smiled and waved at me I didn’t smile and wave back, I just didn’t feel like it. I thought “I don’t like any of you new Gus dog people, I’m not going to think what animals you have, that means you don’t have any.”
There were two cars honking now and mum had one leg in the car and one leg out, she said “where can I park?” Gus lifted his hands in the air like this was the funniest thing, he said “Hannah, your in the middle of rome, you’ll be lucky if you find anything. The free parking spaces have white lines.” So we drove round and round looking for white lines but there were hardly any, they were all blue or yellow, and they all had cars in them anyway. We drove round for hours, Jemima fell asleep, till finally we were going up a hill, the road went round and round like a big snake, and I could see Rome out of the window with all its doames and rooves, then suddenly mum braked really hard so we swerved a bit, the car made a noise like in a film, and we went right in a parking place with white lines, mum said “oh thank god.”
I watched mum as she woke up Jemima and got her out of her seat, she was all slow and floppy from being asleep so mum had to carry her. Then Mum opened my door, she said “come on Lawrence” and it was funny, I didn’t feel cross until then, I just sat in the car as we drove round and round, I watched all the cars and the motorcycles and buildings out of the window, I wasn’t thinking anything at all, I was just thinking “that’s a funny looking car” or “theres a really big doame” but now when mum opened my door suddenly I got really really cross, I thought “you shouted at me in Cloudios kitchen, you put your fingers on his ears.” So I didn’t move, I just sat there and looked out of the windshield, there was a bird fighting another bird so it could get some crums. Mum gave me a look, she said “Lawrence, please” and her voice started getting annoyed, so I thought “don’t you get cross with me, don’t you start shouting again” and I said “I want to go back to england, I don’t like Rome, its horreble.”
Mum gave me a funny look, it was like she was cross and she was scared, she didn’t know which, and she said “for goodness sake Lawrence, you know we can’t do that.” Then I looked at Jemima, she was rubbing her eyes, and I said “I want to go home to the cottage so I can play with all my toys there, and Jemima can play with all her other dolls and her marbles game and her spirograff.” Those were some of her favorite things that she left behind actually, so she sort of woke up more and she said “I want to go home too.”
Now Mum got really cross, she said “I haven’t time for this” she put Jemima down on the ground and she reached into the car to get me. But I was ready, I thought “no you don’t” and when her arm went past to undo my seat belt I got it with my hands and then I bit it really hard with my teeth. That was a big surprise for mum, she shreeked and she pulled her arm out so fast, and Jemima laughed, she thought “this is a funny game” but then she saw our faces and she started crying instead. Mum said “Lawrence” and she stood there staring at me. I thought “go on mum, cry” but she didn’t, so I thought “she isn’t going sad anymore” I thought “that’s a shame, I want her to get sad.” I thought “if she isn’t going to cry then she’ll go really cross” but she didn’t do that either. She looked at me like she was just really tired and she said “what is it you want from me Lawrence?”
I thought for a bit, I thought “what can I have?” and I said “I want a treat, a really good treat.” Mum frowned like I was horrible and she said “all right all right, you can have your dam treat.” I thought “I must check” so I said “anything I want, anything at all?” and mums eyes went really big because she was annoyed, she said “yes, anything you want.” So we had pizzas, and then we got a bus that went almost to Piazza Nevoner where the toy shops were. Because I could have anything I wanted, which never happened usually, I thought “I must be really careful, I mustn’t get it wrong” so I took a long time. I went to both the toy shops three times, I looked at all the shelves to make sure I didn’t miss anything, and then finally I chose my treat, it was a radio controlled car, it was really big and its head lights lit up. I said “I want that, and I want its batteries too.” Mum got cross, she closed her eyes and she said “Lawrence, for goodness sake, that’s more than a hundred yuros, why not have this one, it’s a third of the price and its almost the same” but I shook my head, I thought “your not going to cheete me out of my treat” and I said “no I want this one, you said I could have anything I want, you promised, remember.”
Mum told the shop lady and she got it down, and Jemima got a doll that was floppy like clothes because Jemima always has to have something too, but when we went to pay mum’s card didn’t work. Mum said “oh god” she said “look Lawrence, I bet it will work if we get that other car” but I thought “no you don’t” and I said “what about your blue card because that worked when we went to that restaurant.” So we went to a cashpoint machine, it was quite far, it was by the panthion, mum got out the money, she said “that’ll be the last of it” and I said “come on mum, hurry up.”
We got the car and we put in the batteries, we got the man in the shop to do it because you needed a screw driver, and then I made it go in the Piazza Nevona. The lights didn’t light up after all, that was just in the picture on the box, that was annoying. Mum and Jemima sat on a stone bench and watched, mum said “are you happy now” which meant she was cross, but I didn’t say anything. It was a bit borring once I got used to the controls, I made it go round and round a fountain until the batteries began to run out so it went more and more slowly, it sort of creped. I thought “I don’t much like this treat actually” I thought “maybe I will let us stay in Rome, maybe I won’t.”
