Tainted Frost, page 14
“Well…” I take a deep breath and tell him everything I know. I tell him about how Raven was known as a trickster who ultimately protected humans and provided for them, how he stole the moon, sun and stars to give to the world. Alex listens quietly. There’s nothing in his eyes or face that might betray his inner feelings, but I know he’s paying attention. So I just keep talking, telling him about the time Raven gave the world water by stealing it from a man who kept all of it to himself, how he drank all the water the man had and spit it out, creating rivers and salmon creeks all over the land. I tell him about the time Raven survived the Great Flood by sticking his beak into the sky ceiling and waiting for the waters to recede. Finally, I’ve exhausted all my knowledge. I sit back and fold my hands in my lap, realizing that I’d practically been leaning halfway across the table. “So that’s what I’ve been reading about,” I say.
He nods. “It’s interesting. I feel like I should’ve remembered more of those stories. I just accepted the fact that shapeshifting is in my blood at face value, I guess. I didn’t think to question it. Plus, my dad hates to talk about it. Even when it’s just the two of us in the middle of nowhere. It’s like he thinks someone will somehow overhear.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, he’s a paranoid motherf--, uh, dude.”
“You can curse in front of me, you know. I’m not a baby.”
He laughs. “Sorry, I know. I try not to. My mom hates it.”
“Do you have a swear jar at home?”
He raises his eyebrows. “A what now?”
“Never mind.”
“It’s just that, this whole thing is crazy,” I say. “It feels like a dream or something. I mean, yeah, I always kind of believed in magic, or wanted to believe in it, anyway. But actually knowing that it’s real is…I don’t know…”
“Trust me, I know what you mean. It’s weird for me too sometimes. I’m mostly used to it ‘cause it’s all I’ve ever known, but there are times I get a headache thinking about it. I stopped searching for an explanation a long time ago.”
“I…” I stop. I don’t want to tell him what is really bothering me about all of this, nagging me, making me feel restless and unsatisfied. It’s a tiny sliver of a thought-river that’s been swelling and bubbling to the surface of my mind since that early morning when he came to me in raven-form. Now it’s bulging and about to overflow. I have to tell him.
“What?” he says. His eyes are serious and expectant. I look down at my food.
“I’ve never told it to anybody before,” I say to my waffles. “It’s kind of hard to admit, but maybe of all people you will understand. Or maybe not. But I still want to tell you.”
“Tell me.”
I take a very deep breath, let it all the way out. “I think my dad is still alive.” I dare a glance up at him, afraid of what I might find in his eyes—a derisive, disbelieving look, a look that says this chick is nuts. But his eyes are steady on mine, his expression not betraying any reaction he might’ve had to what I just told him. It almost seems like he does understand and that gives me the strength to keep talking. “It’s just that they never found his body, you know? And when his hunting partners came back, they were totally confused and disoriented. They were completely out of it. They said he vanished into thin air. Those are the exact words they used. Vanished. And now that I know that there’s some kind of…magic in the world, I wonder if maybe…” I can’t finish the sentence. I swipe at the sticky tabletop with my fingertips.
“You wonder if maybe there’s a supernatural explanation for what really happened to him.” He doesn’t turn it into a question. He says it with such conviction that my entire body ignites with hope.
“Yes! That’s exactly it. It’s possible, isn’t it?”
“Anything is possible, Anna. Anything.” His voice is low and deep, steeled with confidence. The kind of confidence I’ve been running after my whole life. It makes me want to follow him anywhere he goes. Anything is possible.
“Do you really think so?”
“Definitely,” he says. “I’ve always believed that. Always. It’s what keeps me going.”
It’s odd to imagine Alex needing anything to keep him going. To me, he’s always seemed to move through life fluidly, effortlessly. He’s always seemed unstoppable. For the first time it hits me how much I’ve built him up in my head, carved him out of marble, propped him atop the highest pedestal. But it’s still hard to believe that he has any real problems.
“I guess hope kept me going for a while, too,” I say. “But then I stopped.”
“You can’t blame yourself for what happened, Anna.”
“I know. I don’t really blame myself. I just feel like I should’ve tried harder. I shouldn’t have stopped looking. I’ve already let so much time pass.” I push my plate a few inches with my thumb and there it is again: Jen + Dylan 4ever. We’re sitting at the same table Nat and I sat at the other night, when Alex seemed so far away, so frustratingly unreachable. And now here he is, right in front of me. It’s funny how quickly things can change. I cover Jen + Dylan 4ever with a napkin. “Sometimes I think I’ll never move on if I don’t find out what really happened to him. And maybe he is alive, and maybe he’s even waiting for me. Somewhere.”
I wait for him to say something now. I need him to tell me yes. I need him to give me a small push.
“Anna…I’m…”
I look up, breath held. And for a moment it seems like he’s about to tell me something that will change everything.
“I’m sorry, but we should get going,” he says, checking his watch, and I feel myself deflate. “I got hockey practice in 30 minutes. I gotta get there early or Gary’ll never get off the ice. He thinks he owns the place or something.”
He gets up, and when I don’t follow he puts his hand on my arm. “Coming?”
“Yeah.” I slide off the vinyl seat, and as he drives me home, I press my lips tight to keep more words from tumbling out, because I’ve told him too much already and I can’t take any of it back. When we say goodbye, it’s rushed and I don’t meet his eyes.
Chapter 16
Every winter solstice, we have a bonfire.
Everyone from high school gathers around Haven Lake, a pile of wood is set on fire, and drinking and dancing ensues. It’s one of my favorite nights of the year.
David, Jared, and a couple of their friends are already there as Nat and I drive over in her mom’s white Toyota Corolla. Nat’s nervous and excited to see Gary. I’m hoping Alex will be there, but lately he’s been so unpredictable.
I’m still buzzing from our date yesterday and really want to see him again. It comforts me just to look at him, just to be near him. Even his voice is like a song that you never want to stop listening to.
Cars and trucks are parked around Haven Lake. People loiter about, dirtying the beautiful white powder with their grimy tires and boots. The trucks all have their motors running, headlights shining onto the snow and making it sparkle. Rock music blares from one of the trucks, bouncing off the houses at the other end of the lake. Two senior girls dance together to the music, throwing their hands in the air and undulating their bodies. They have an audience of about half a dozen guys, sitting on the cabs of their trucks. Another group of guys stands at the lip of the lake, daring one another to walk onto the ice.
“No way, man,” one of them says. “I’m not drunk enough yet. Give me another beer.” The homemade Danger: Thin Ice sign hangs crookedly on the birch tree with nobody paying it any mind. Most of the people are standing around the bonfire. I spot Gary standing the closest to the fire, hands in his pockets, staring straight into the flames. Zack and David are with him. I look at Nat. She’s watching Gary.
I spin on my heel, taking in the scene, and spot Matilda standing with her brother and some of his friends. She takes sips of something hidden inside a brown paper bag, laughs at her brother’s friends’ jokes. There are a lot of seniors here tonight, ones who didn’t show up to Joanna’s party. It’s kind of an unspoken rule that the juniors and seniors don’t hang out together, but bonfire nights are different. Everyone is welcome.
I don’t see Alex anywhere. Natalie’s reapplying her lip gloss and checking to make sure every hair is in place. “We should go over there,” I say, nodding toward Gary. She smacks her lips together and gives herself a final once-over in her small compact mirror. “Okay, I’m ready.”
“You look great. Don’t worry about it.”
“Thanks.” She slides her compact and lip gloss back into her pocket, and we make our way over there. As we approach, I notice Zack passing a silver flask to David, who takes a long sip. I frown. The last thing David needs right now is to get drunk. I need to keep an eye on him. David nudges Gary on the shoulder, showing him the flask. Gary shakes his head.
“Hey guys,” Nat says. She tosses a strand of hair over her shoulder and smiles. Gary glances at her then goes back to looking at the fire. Zack comes over and drapes an arm around her shoulder.
“Hey, gorgeous.” He offers her the flask and she takes a small sip. I give her a look, but she ignores me. Okay, I am officially the wet blanket here tonight. There’s just something about alcohol and the out-of-control behavior it induces that makes me feel queasy. I position myself beside David, and we watch Nat and Zack flirt awkwardly. Nat smiles and tosses her hair and sneaks glances at Gary every few minutes. Zack doesn’t seem to notice that she’s not that into him. He hooks his arm around her neck and pulls her closer. I think Zack is already drunk. He probably pre-partied before he even got here.
“So, this is fun,” David says. He motions for Zack to give him the flask.
“Don’t drink too much,” I say.
“Okay, mom.” He takes a swig. Hands appear from behind and cover my eyes. My heart goes crazy, thinking it’s Alex. “Guess who,” a voice whispers in my ear. I calm down and say, “Jared.”
He takes his hands away. “How’d you guess?”
“I know your voice, J.”
He slaps hands and bumps fists with all the guys, then grabs the flask from David, takes a sip then frowns. “Empty. Damn, man, you could’ve saved some for me.”
“You snooze, you lose,” David says, laughing. Gary glares at both of them. “We have practice tomorrow morning,” he says. “If you come in with a hangover, you’re not playing.”
David rolls his eyes but doesn’t say anything. I look behind me, scanning the crowd. No Alex. Instead I see Marina. She’s looking right at me. As we lock eyes, she breaks away from her group and walks toward me. I watch her come, feeling a smidge of panic rising up in my chest, but I can’t run from this. I stand my ground. Her friends watch her coming, too, whispering behind their hands and eyeing me sharply.
“Hey,” she says when she reaches me. “Can I talk to you for a sec?”
“Um, sure.” I don’t look around, but I know all eyes are boring into me. Marina moves several feet away from the fire and, after a moment’s hesitation, I join her. She runs a hand through her hair, doesn’t look at me. “So, are you dating Alex now?”
“N-no, we’re just hanging out. Nothing’s happened.” I keep my eyes focused on her chin. She’s about four inches taller than me, but the impression is as though she towers over me. I feel microscopic.
“I saw you together at the diner that day. It seemed like he was really into you.” Her voice sounds funny, like she’s talking around something lodged in her throat. And I don’t know if it’s a trick of the light or just my imagination, but her eyes are shiny.
“Oh, we’re just friends…”
“Just friends?”
I swallow, grab at a strand of my hair. I’ve never been the type to play with my hair, unlike Nat, but now I feel like I need something to hang onto. I wind my fingers through it and tug gently.
“Yeah, we’re just friends, I promise.”
“Does he, like, does he ever talk about me?” Her eyes are definitely wet now and even bluer than usual. They’re the exact color of this glacier cave I hiked to once with my dad.
I fumble with my hair. “Um…”
She looks down, bites her lip. “I guess he’s really over me then.” She blinks tears and presses her gloved hands to her cheeks, absorbing the wetness.
“Marina, I…”
She walks away before I can finish the sentence, which is just as well because I had no idea what I was going to say. I turn back to my friends. Natalie has detached herself from Zack’s hold and is looking at me with wide eyes. David and the rest of the guys are chatting amongst themselves, oblivious. I’m a statue. Nat walks over to me and grabs my arm. “What was that about? What did she say?”
“She asked me if I’m dating Alex. I said no, we’re just friends. Then she started crying.”
“Wow, she actually asked you that? That takes guts.” She looks toward Marina then back at me. “Was she bitchy?”
“No, not even. She was just sad.” I feel awful. I feel like I might throw up. I keep remembering that day when Marina came over with her mom, brought us homemade pie, and put her arm around me, and I know, without a doubt, that I don’t want to hurt her. But, at the same time, I want to be happy, and Alex makes me happy.
“Am I a bad person?” I ask Nat.
She blows air out in exasperation. “Why would you even say that? You haven’t done anything wrong.”
“I made her cry.”
“Look, sometimes in life you have to be selfish. It’s not like you’re the reason for their break-up. Plus, it’s been over a month since it happened, so it’s time for her to move on already.”
“A month isn’t that long.”
“It’s long enough.”
“That’s cold, Nat.”
She shrugs. “Whatever. You deserve to be happy, Anna. If he’s showing interest, you should definitely take advantage of that. It’s not like Marina’s your best friend and you have to stay loyal to her.”
“I guess you’re right,” I admit reluctantly.
“Of course I’m right.” She tosses her hair, looking satisfied. “Come on.” She pulls me back to the bonfire.
Right then there’s a loud crunching sound, the sound of ice breaking. I look to where it came from and see Craig Harding thigh-deep in the freezing cold water. He shakes with laughter as two of his friends struggle to haul him out.
“Oops,” he laughs. “My bad!”
“I told you it was gonna break, you idiot,” one of his friends, Keith, says. “Stop laughing.” Keith and Drew, Craig’s cousin, finally lift him out of the water and carry him toward the fire.
“Give him some space,” Gary says, motioning us away. Everyone automatically obeys. In less than a minute, he runs to his truck and brings back a fold-out chair for Craig to sit on, as well as some spare, dry clothes and a towel. I am impressed by his efficiency. I can see by the look on Nat’s face that so is she. Working in tandem, Gary and Keith prop Craig on the chair and strip off his boots, socks and jeans. They towel off his legs and hold them up to the fire, while Craig sits in his boxers and grins at everyone. He’s had so much to drink he can’t even feel the cold. “Let’s go swimming!” he shouts. Keith slaps him. “Snap out of it, dumbass.” Craig’s grin widens. A crowd, two-deep, has gathered around, shoving one another and craning their necks to get a better view of the commotion.
“He’ll be fine,” Gary says. “He wasn’t submerged for long. Can you feel your feet, Craig?”
Craig wiggles his toes. “They’re good, bro. Kinda tingly.”
“Okay. You’ll be fine.”
“It was fun,” Craig says. “Right?”
Keith rolls his eyes. “Idiot,” he mutters. They dress Craig with Gary’s spare clothes.
“You should take him home,” Gary tells Keith.
“Yeah.”
“I don’t wanna go home. I wanna go swimming!” Craig yells, throwing both arms into the air. He lets out a loud whoop. Gary grabs Craig under the arms and lifts him off the chair. Keith holds onto Craig’s legs. The crowd parts, laughing, as they carry a shoeless, grinning Craig to Keith’s SUV.
That’s when I see it. A raven perched on the bough of a tree several yards away, sitting completely still, and looking at me. I swear it is looking directly at me. It’s Alex; it has to be. I whip my head around, scanning the crowd for him in his human form, just to make sure he’s not here. When I turn back to the raven, it’s gone.
Natalie slips her fingers around my elbow and squeezes. “Did you see that?” she asks, her eyes on Gary as he heads back toward us. “He saved Craig’s life.”
“Um, Nat, Craig’s life was never in danger.”
She sighs deeply. “He’s like a modern-day hero, a knight in shining armor, Superman in disguise.”
I hold back all manner of sarcastic comments. From the corner of my eye, I see Matilda strut over to us. “Uh-oh, Nat. Matilda, three o’clock.”
“Ugh, great.”
We brace ourselves for impact. Matilda takes a sip of whatever she has in that paper bag and says, “I don’t know about you guys, but I wouldn’t mind falling into subzero water if it meant Gary would come to my rescue. I mean, can you say swoon?”
“Swoon,” Nat says flatly.
“He is, quite literally, the most gorgeous guy in this whole town, and possibly in the whole state,” Matilda says, licking her lips and throwing an unabashedly lustful look in Gary’s direction. Then she puts her gaze on me. “Of course, Alex is totally hot, too, but he’s yours now so I won’t make a move on him.”
“We’re not dating,” I snap. Matilda winks, like we’re in on some big inside joke together, and takes another sip from her paper bag. Meanwhile, I can feel the fury radiating from Natalie’s direction. Her fists are clenched and she has a deep scowl on her face. I remember that scene from Mean Girls when Cady visualizes attacking Regina for goading her about Aaron Samuels. I sense Natalie’s about to go jungle-wild on Matilda.
