Tainted Frost, page 10
“And he’d buy us pizza whether we won or lost.”
“Yeah, he was kinda big on feeding people,” I say, and a laugh escapes me.
Lately I’ve turned to Alex to make me forget, but now he’s helping me remember and letting me know it’s okay to look back sometimes. I have to let myself remember, too, because if my dad’s gone and the memories of him are also gone, then what does that leave me with? There was a time when I thought my dad would live forever, but now it’s up to me to make sure he does.
A few minutes later people trickle in and disturb our peace. Alex tugs on my sleeve. “Let’s get out of here.” I happily follow. We get out of our skates and as I pull on my boots, I wonder how I can convince him to spend the day with me without sounding desperate.
“Wanna get some coffee or something at Jerry’s? Oh wait, you have a thing for tea. Wanna get some tea at Jerry’s?” he asks. I breathe out a sigh of relief.
“Well, you know I can’t resist tea.” I’m relieved that tea can be my alibi. He takes my hand again.
“I’ll drive.”
As soon as we walk into Jerry’s, it starts snowing. We order waffles and tea and watch the white flakes drift down lazily. I feel like I’m in a warm, safe bubble and with Alex beside me, I even feel invincible. Maybe we will fall in love and create a life together and I will have a family again—a family without any missing pieces. My parents were high school sweethearts, and for a moment, the idea doesn’t seem so wishful.
Helen, one of Jerry’s longtime waitresses, places our orders in front of us, then reaches out and ruffles my hair. I smile up at her.
“Hey, Helen.”
“Hi, baby.” She strokes my hair and her eyes go far away for a second. I know she’s remembering serving me and my dad at least once a week. How he would always ask after her family and how sometimes they’d end up having conversations for so long that the manager, Gene, would come out from the back, cross his arms and give her the get-back-to-work look. Finally, she sighs and moves away.
I capsize the waffles under waves of syrup.
“Want some waffles with that syrup?” Alex says.
“Yeah, if you’re not careful I might steal yours.” I make a stabbing motion at his plate with my fork. He laughs and crams a big bite into his mouth.
“So, are you going to Joanna’s party tomorrow night?” he asks. I take a sip of my tea to delay my answer because, Oh my God is he asking me to go with him? Oh my God I think I just died!
“Yeah,” I say calmly. “Are you?”
He shrugs. “Maybe.”
I nod like I could care less, but inside I’m screaming, Maybe? What do you mean maybe? You’re supposed to ask me to go with you, you idiot!
“I mean,” he continues. “I kinda feel bad leaving my brothers all alone while I go out and have fun.”
“They’re still not better?”
“They’re getting there, but my mom doesn’t want to risk it, so the quarantine is still in full effect.”
“Wow, that sucks.”
“Tell me about it. Plus, they haven’t been flying so it’s making them anxious.”
“Right. Of course,” I say, even though I have no idea what I’m talking about. The corner of his mouth quirks up, like he knows that I have no idea what it means to be anxious because you can’t fly. “I wish I could take you flying,” he says.
“Get a pilot’s license and do it.”
“Ha. Funny.”
“So, what’s it like? How does it feel to be up there?”
He leans back against the booth, putting his hands behind his head, and smiles. “I don’t even know if I can describe it. It’s just the most freeing thing. All my problems disappear when I’m flying.” He lowers his hands, puts his elbows on the table. “Too bad I can’t fly forever. Gotta come back down to earth sometime.”
“Yeah. Earth sucks.”
Alex laughs. “Yeah, sometimes. It’s not so bad right now.” He’s looking right at me and I feel warm all over. We eat in silence for a few minutes and the whole scene is so beautiful in its normalcy that I just want to bask in it. This must be what it’s like to have someone special in your life, like a boyfriend, and to spend time with him and share jokes with him and feel wanted because he’s here with you and no one else. This must be what it’s like to feel safe and stable and this must be what it’s like to look into the future and see nothing but light.
I let out a contented sigh without even realizing it.
Alex looks up from his waffles. “What was that about?”
“What?”
“That sigh? What were you thinking about?”
“Oh…nothing…just that…um.” I take a breath. “Just that this is nice.” I look at him and smile. He smiles back.
“Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.”
I want to say, Yeah, right, or Whatever, or As if, but I don’t feel like joking right now. Instead, I just say, “Really?” hoping that he’ll confirm it.
“Really.”
Then Marina walks in and pops my shimmering bubble with a perfectly manicured finger. She’s with Jessica, who is, as usual, chatting away, not really concerned if anyone is listening.
“I mean, can you believe it?” Jessica is saying. “It’s like, what more do you want from me?” Marina sees Alex right away and stops, and I can actually see her body stiffen. Then she sees me, and her eyes go wide, and it’s like she’s accusing me of stealing away the love of her life. I look away, grabbing the knife and fork and cutting the remaining waffles into tiny little pieces. Jessica stops talking abruptly and I know she’s seen us, too. Alex finally turns and looks, giving them a little wave. I sneak a peek from my peripheral vision. Jessica waves back, but Marina grabs her arm and they practically run out of the diner. It all happens so quickly that it’s almost like it never happened at all. But that magic moment is gone, and it’s not like I thought it would last forever, but I was sort of hoping I could hang on to it for a little while.
I take a sip of my tea and let my eyes wander all over the table so long as they don’t rise to meet Alex’s.
“Hey,” he says. “Don’t feel bad. We broke up. It’s over.”
“Why are you all of a sudden hanging out with me?” The words jump out before I can stop them. My eyes are on the waffles, on the syrup dripping off the knife slowly.
“Because I want to.” His voice is steady, and I almost believe him.
“But it’s so sudden and abrupt and random and I feel like…I don’t know. It just seems weird, I guess.” I do not want to admit this, but it has to be said. He leans back against his seat and smiles, like he’s trying to break the tension. “I thought we really bonded that night when I appeared naked in your bedroom and nearly gave you a heart attack.”
I bite my lip to keep from smiling. “I guess you could call that a bonding moment.”
“Plus,” he adds. “It was pretty random the way we just stopped talking all those years ago. But don’t think I never thought about you all this time.” He picks up his knife and fork, fitting the edge of the knife between the fork prongs. I swallow, repeating what he just said in my head, wanting to memorize every word. He thought about me?
“I thought about you a lot,” he says and my heart jumps. “And then the other morning I was kinda desperate. I just felt…helpless…and...” He coughs and I wonder if it’s hard for him to admit that. “When I saw your open window, I was relieved. And somehow I just knew I could trust you.”
“Trust me?”
“Yeah. I remembered when we were little you were always talking about magic and asking me if I thought witches and fairies were real, and I just felt like, you know, like you would understand.” He takes a deep breath. “And I guess a part of me wanted to show you that magic was real because all those years I pretended to laugh at you and convince you they were just stories, but it’s real. Magic is real.”
I let this statement sink in. Magic is real.
He continues, “Sometimes it’s just so fu—“ He stops, clears his throat. “It’s so frustrating to keep this all to myself. It feels so good, you won’t believe how good it feels to be able to tell someone what I really am.”
I can’t believe he’s opening up like this. All these little bits of information about him are like precious jewels in my hands. I have to grip them tight to keep them from slipping through my fingers.
“You can definitely trust me,” I say. “I’ll never tell. I swear.”
“I know.” Our eyes lock, and I’m back at the skating rink with Alex intertwining his fingers with mine. I can’t, and don’t want to, look away.
“More tea, honey?” Helen fills my cup.
“Thanks, Helen.”
She looks at Alex, but he waves his hand in a no. We haven’t broken our gaze this entire time. I should be embarrassed with Helen standing there; nothing gets past her. But I don’t care. I will hold onto this moment for as long as possible, because Alex is finally looking at me the way I’ve always wanted him to.
At home, I find my mom sitting at the dining room table, filling out paperwork. I walk over and watch her hand move across the papers quickly so she can finally go to bed and be done with the day.
“Did you eat?” she asks without looking up. “There’s pot roast in the fridge.”
“I ate.” I slide my fingers back and forth along the polished wood. “How was work?”
She shrugs like it’s a useless question with an even more useless answer. “Fine.”
There’s one of those collage picture frames on the wall, the ones that allow you to put photos of various sizes all on one frame. There’s a shot of my mom as a teenager in a yellow dress; one of my parents on their wedding day with my dad kissing my mom’s cheek; another of my grandparents holding me when I was a baby. My favorite is the one in the middle, a photo of me as a little kid, sitting on my dad’s shoulders as he walks hand in hand with my mom. They’re both smiling and I have my chin nestled in my dad’s dark hair, looking to the side, tired from the day’s excursions. I don’t even remember where we were. Probably on one of our trips to Anchorage. I want to dive into that photo and stay frozen in that golden moment forever. I look back at my mom as she finishes filling out her last form.
“So, are you gonna go over to Alex’s house to visit with his mom?”
She looks confused for a moment, like she’d forgotten all about it. “Oh, I don’t think so, honey.”
“Why not? You said you would.”
“Oh, I was just being polite. I didn’t mean it.” She pulls her hair back tighter into her ponytail and gathers all the paperwork into a manila folder.
Out of nowhere, my throat suddenly feels tight. I swallow a few times before speaking. “But you looked so happy when he said it. And when you saw him.”
“I know. I think I was just remembering me at that age and going to school with his parents and how happy we were. It was a great time.” She stretches a rubber band around the folder and places it next to several other manila folders.
“We had so much fun,” she says. “I dated Alex’s dad for a few months back then, you know.”
“What?”
“It’s true. Your grandmother didn’t approve though.” She laughs at the memory. “And then I fell in love with—“
She clears her throat, shaking her head as she arranges all the folders into a neat stack. It’s weird to think that my mom had an entire life before I came along. You think you know everything about your mother, but mothers have secrets too. They have hopes and dreams and heartaches and fantasies that have nothing to do with their children. I realize that for the first time in my life I’m seeing her as a person, and not just as My Mom.
“It’s nice to see you and Alex together,” she says finally. “And if you decide to date, I promise I’ll approve.” She smiles, and the awkward moment is gone.
“We’re not dating,” I say.
“If you decide to.”
She looks at me, suddenly serious. “I want you to have fun, Anna. I want you to enjoy every moment with him and David and Natalie and all of your friends.” She places a hand on my shoulder. “Okay?”
I nod. I wonder if she wishes she could go back to that time when she was young and falling in love with my mom. I wonder if she thinks she took it all for granted. “I will, Mom. I mean, we’re all going to a party tomorrow night. At Joanna’s house.”
“That’s great. That’s just great.” She pulls me into a hug, and I let myself enjoy the feel of her soft hair against my face, her sweet vanilla scent. I don’t take it for granted. I feel safe in her arms and I think that maybe I’m finally on the right path.
But when I go up to my room, I suddenly feel restless and nervous and scared, like something terrible is coming, rushing at me like a tidal wave. I think about how so much has changed and why can’t things just stay the same, but then I think that change is good, and that you have to move forward. And never look back is screaming at me from my wall, so big and bright against the pale white background. I shake my head, thinking that it’s too hard not to look back and I can’t do the things my walls are telling me to do. All the words collide, and I close my eyes, walking blindly toward my window and flinging it open, swallowing the cold air that slams into me, trying to remember how to breathe.
Chapter 13
“I can’t believe this.” I’m sitting on Nat’s bed with my hands in my lap, stunned at what she just told me.
“And I,” she says, “can’t believe you ever underestimated this town’s rumor mill. It churns, baby. It churns like -- like something that churns really fast.”
I almost laugh at that, but I’m still too shocked. Although, really, I shouldn’t be. The rumor is that Alex and I are dating and that we were seen shamelessly making out at Jerry’s like a couple of horny rabbits. Which is not true. We were at Jerry’s, yes, but we were just sitting there eating and talking. Since when did eating and talking become synonymous with making out? Also, we are not dating. If we were dating, I would be the first to know. Right?
Nat sits down beside me and puts her hand on mine. “Don’t let it get to you. It’s not even a bad rumor, actually. I mean, who wouldn’t want this kind of rumor floating around about them? Even I’d want it.”
I look at her like she’s crazy.
“What?” she says. “I mean, he’s school royalty for God’s sake. This is a good thing, Anna.”
“I don’t know.” I feel hot all of a sudden, and I’m having the hardest time getting air into my lungs. “It just bothers me because it’s not true. We weren’t even touching.”
“You do realize what a rumor is, right? Truth has nothing to do with it.”
“How can you be so nonchalant about this? I’m freaking out and you’re just sitting there acting all whatever about it.”
She pats my hand. “Unlike you, my darling, I’ve had lots of experience with the rumor mill. I’ve learned to ignore it.”
I lie back on her bed. “I’m not coming to the party tonight.”
“Yes, you are.”
“No, I’m not, and you can’t convince me otherwise.”
Nat pulls me up to a sitting position. “As your rumor mill advisor, I strongly urge you to go to this party. If you don’t go, the rumors will only get worse and more elaborate, and before you know it people will be saying that you had sex or that he was cheating on Marina with you or God knows what else.”
“What? Why would they say that?”
She looks at me the way a parent would look at a very young, naïve child. “Anna, didn’t you ever play ‘telephone’ when you were a kid? Don’t you remember how quickly things got out of control? Rumors are the same. We have to go to this party and nip this rumor in the bud.”
She’s right, and she has the experience to back up her statements. “Okay, I’ll go to the party.”
“Great. So, now are you going to tell your best friend in the whole world what you were doing with Alex in the diner? And how did you progress from barely talking and one hand wave at the hockey game to going out to eat? Hmmm?” She crosses her arms, tapping her foot. I’m in trouble.
“Well…”
“Yes?”
“It all happened really fast. I mean, I woke up early yesterday morning and went to the skating rink, and I thought I was all alone there, but then Alex showed up and we just got to talking. And then he asked if I wanted to get some food at Jerry’s.”
“Oh. My. God. You went on a date?!”
“Well, no, not really. Going to Jerry’s together is not a date.”
“In this town, it is.”
“Nat.”
Her smile is huge. “This is crazy. This is the fastest anyone’s ever accomplished a New Year’s resolution. I mean, a pre-New Year’s Resolution. You are seriously making me feel inadequate. Also, I hate to say I told you so, but…”
“You can say it.”
“I told you so!” She pulls me into a bone-cracking hug. “I’m so happy for you!” She launches herself off the bed and runs to her closet. “You have to wear something hot tonight.”
I lie down on her bed again. I feel exhausted. This is insanity. I wonder how the rumor started, how it spread so fast, like a contagious disease. Marina and Jessica saw us there, so naturally I want to conclude that they started the rumor. But why would Marina want people to think her ex-boyfriend was kissing someone else only a month after their break-up? Wouldn’t she want that information to be kept private for the sake of her pride? I just don’t think she would do it.
Natalie comes out of her closet with a stack of clothes on each arm. “Come on, you’re trying all of these on. Take off those boots.”
Reluctantly, I pull off my bunny boots. We try on clothes for about two hours and crack jokes and laugh, and for that moment I forget about Alex and rumors. I forget about my dad possibly being lost to me forever. I forget a lot of things.
