The Court of Less, page 17
“I win.” I exhaled a long and shaking breath.
I’d played their games. I’d danced to their music. I’d drunk their wine. And I’d left my blood on their floors. But I broke their backs. I ruined their kingdoms. I painted their walls with their failures. I was the last, the very last Crow, and for that, I was grateful and willing to pay the cost. There would never be another to be lashed, tortured or beaten. There would never be another Crow stolen from their home and families. When babies were birthed, there would be no more prayers that their child would be spared Elphame. They would finally celebrate lives, knowing they wouldn’t become a sacrifice to a realm of no mercy. This moment, as broken as I was, as empty as I felt, was worth becoming a Crow. Every night I had spent here, wishing I was home, I’d do it again, three times over, to be at this moment again.
At eighteen, I had lived countless lives in the span of a year, and now the struggle was over. I closed my eyes. I could die knowing I gave everything. My fragile, half-human heart finally stopped its fight. I had made it to the end, and I had saved every soul I could along the way. With my death, I saved them all.
My name is Perdita Darkmore.
I saved them all.
I am the last Crow.
And I died for these wings.
* * * *
I was fated to die in Elphame. And I did, painfully and freely. But death isn’t always as fast as living can be. Sometimes life is short and fleeting. Whereas death takes his time and draws it out until he, himself, is ready to leave the table. He was a fickle creature and came and went as he pleased on a clock no one could see.
The pain that once burned my flesh like a fire had faded away into the icy numbness that had glazed my body in a thick blanket. Black edged my vision until the only thing I could hear was the final beats of my pulse, hard and heavy and without desire for more. My breath came in ragged, shallow gasps, unwilling to let go, but it gave me nothing. Seconds or hours or days, I lay there, alone and cold…and waiting. There was no pain left, just waiting. As soon as my pulse stopped, I’d wait for death, only for it to thump once again.
I wondered, for a moment, if this was how it was for all people. Did the time between life and death pass as slowly, giving them time to contemplate their lives? Was this how life had flashed before people’s eyes? Or was this part of my payment, to suffer until the bitter end? I doubted I was that special.
Noise cut through the darkness and nudged at the parts of me still waiting on death. Voices from those who still wanted to save me, in vain. Even if I had wanted to, if I could have left the mist, I could never escape payment. I could never hide from a debt attached to my very soul. But I didn’t want to, not really. If I could have crawled through the mist, I wouldn’t have. It was better this way—better I go without having to see the pain of my loss on the faces of those I loved. I didn’t want the last things I saw to be despair and suffering in a world that had taken everything from me and given so little in return. This way, in the mist, I could leave all of it behind. I would fade into the haze of the Gate, where this started and where it would end.
“Breathe, Perdi!” Solas screamed my name, but I was still in the mist, too far away to tell him to let me go, to say goodbye, to remind him once again how deeply he was loved. I faded again.
“Perdi.” Nix’s voice pulled me back up from the fog. “Fight. You have to fight this time. Don’t let it take you.”
I had no fight left in me. I had given it all for this moment. My limbs were as heavy as my heart, and my soul had already given up, spent on ending the Taking.
“Please, don’t leave me. You’re all I’ve got.” I could taste Nix’s tears in the back of my throat, and every memory of us flooded my mind, chasing away the darkness settling in.
I remembered first meeting him, slowly coaxing him out of hiding, and finally granting him my backyard and my protection. He swore his allegiance to me, as I did to him. They were innocent words, said by a child without understanding the weight of their meaning. But even then, I had meant them and still did. I protected him against all who came, and he, in turn, gave everything for me.
“Nix,” I whispered wordlessly, no air to carry my voice.
My body jerked against the ground. Was this what death felt like? Heart-wrenching pain and nothing more? I tried to lift my arms, but each movement sent searing pain through my chest. My heart felt like it was going to explode, gripped in a vise I couldn’t see or break free from. The agony was immense, too great to fight through. The cost was upon me, and I could do not a thing to stop it. It was everything. It was consuming. It pushed and pulled at every inch of my body, like birds picking at a carcass.
“It’s not your time,” Nix cried.
“Help,” I finally muttered through gritted teeth.
I focused on the only thing I knew. I called the darkness. I called the shadows as I had so many times before. I called on them as I had in the dungeon when I had been scared and alone and dying of infection. Little by little, I could feel the warmth of the shadows pressing down on me. With them came air, and I gulped it down.
“Please.” I struggled to move but was utterly still. “Help.”
In the darkness, Zephyr knelt beside me. Gone was the blood of battle. Gone was the war that lined his face. He had lost his weapons and armor. He crossed his legs and sat beside me, dressed in black and the kind of kindness that only I ever found in his dark blue eyes. Where everyone else saw him as a Soul-Eater, I saw the depth of his love and loyalty. Like Solas, who hid behind a mask, Zephyr wasn’t as scary once you loved him.
“What did you take from the Gate, little Crow, to cause it this much anger? You are broken.”
“What is mine to have. What was left behind for me,” I replied.
“Not all power is for the taking.”
“It is when you’re a Soul-Eater,” I answered. “Help me.”
“Do you want to live? Knowing you’ll be hunted for who you are?”
“Yes.”
Zephyr rolled my pearl in his palm. I felt his touch as if I were the one in his hand. “It is a life I’d wish on no one, little Crow. It is a path that will be rife with heartache.”
“I’m not ready to go.”
“We are never ready to go when our time comes.”
“It’s not my time. Not yet.”
“We do not decide when our time comes. We do not have power over fate. She is alone in her decisions.”
I tried to shake my head but was lifeless in my movements. “I decide my fate, Zeph.”
“Only a Soul-Eater can come back with the souls eaten from another. It is the very reason why kings take us. It is why armies killed us twice and scattered our ashes for good measure. We can walk the in-between and choose those who live and those who die. We take life, and we can give life back. But know this, Perdi. We will be hunted for this. Are you willing to die twice?”
“Yes.” One word was the only answer I could muster before the pain came and took everything else from me.
“You know this will only bring you more pain, more suffering. But you can stop it. I could take all your pain away, and you would move on to the next life, free of this all. I would carry your body to your final resting place and not a day would go by when you weren’t at peace.”
I tried to shake my head and failed. My limbs didn’t feel like my own anymore. “I know.”
“No, you don’t. You will always be a little Crow. You’re made only to suffer, and there will be so much of it that you’ll curse me for this day. You’ll be forced to fight for each and every step. If you live, you’ll live the life I never wanted for you. You’ll live the life of a Soul-Eater and will pay for it dearly. You’ll never be free, not ever.”
“I…decide…” I groaned. “How do…?”
“How do I know? Because your fate is bound to mine, and I’ve never had a single day of peace. Nothing has ever come easy to me, not even you. If you choose this, you are choosing to walk the same painful path I have and still do. You’re not going to live. You’re just choosing to die on a different day—and every day in between will be a fight for the next.”
I wondered how badly I’d regret this decision.
“That’s for you to decide when you come to your last page. But I suspect it’ll hurt far too much for there to be any room for regret.”
“Please.”
“Foolish. Little. Crow.”
“Soul-Eater,” I muttered back.
“Be thankful for that.” He pressed his palm into my chest. “This is going to be unlike any pain you’ve ever felt before.”
“Everything hurts in—” My words cut off. The moment he touched my heart, my body jerked as if every lightning bolt ever to have landed had struck only me.
The world sped up around me. Between the grip of death I was being pulled from and the reality I was being shoved back into, it felt like being skinned alive and rolled in salt. It was beyond agony. This feeling would become a new measurement for pain. The lashes in the Golden Court had nothing on this. I felt it from the inside out—screaming, death, war, pain and my ribs cracking under a force I didn’t understand. Screeches from Sluagh pierced my ears and left them ringing. I felt my body jerk and twist and pull in every direction. High-pitched cries rattled against my bones.
“Aoife, you lied! You said she’d come back to me. You swore she’d live. You promised me!” Solas screamed into the night. He held my limp, bloodied and broken body against his chest. His tears fell from his eyes and rolled down my cheeks. “I love you, Perdita Darkmore. You can’t leave me. I just found you. Come back, please, my little Crow.”
I swam up from the dark wasteland I had rested in, readying for death. I clawed my way back to life, back to Solas, to his voice, back to my home. I struggled against the pull to rest, to give in, to let fate make the decision for me. Soupy fog clung to me, but I didn’t stop fighting. It felt like months had passed, and every step forward was a marathon. I kicked and swam for the surface where my life waited for me. As the darkness faded, I clung to the light and let it bring me to the top, where I gasped for my first pure breath since I had stepped into the Gate.
“Stop calling me that.”
He jerked and dropped me to the ground. He stared at me for a short moment. Confusion played over his blood-stained face. “Perdi?”
I squinted against the brilliance of the sun and smiled, calling him by his nickname. “Soulless.”
He scrambled to pick me back up. He hugged me tightly against him. “I thought you were gone. I prayed for you to come back.” He breathed me in and shuddered. “You’re whole again. I thought… God, I love you.”
“I love you, too.” I rolled my head to see Zephyr standing, back in his leathers, covered in the blood of war. “Took you long enough.”
Zephyr shook his head. “A simple ‘thank you’ works.”
“Thank you,” I finally said and closed my eyes. “I never want to do that again.”
“Then you should not have chosen to live.” Zephyr’s words were only for me.
Dead or alive, I still paid painfully for my Malice. Only now Solas ate what he could and kept my heart beating. I wasn’t alone. I didn’t have to do this on my own. Those I loved, who loved me in return, were with me and did what they could to love me as I suffered for them all.
Chapter Twelve
The war ended the moment I closed the Gate. The force of magick that poured from the Gate, wild and free, ate those not smart enough to run, those not under the protection of the Dark Courts. Hundreds died in the war, but not a single person from our lands had backed down or given in. The Dark Court had stood firm. Mothers took up weapons, stones and swords and stood firm at the edge of their lands, ready to fight for the lives of their children, ready to fight for the children of the Seelie and Unseelie who had sought shelter. They, those who were considered the weakest in the eyes of our enemies, fought against evil with mere stones and bravery, unlike anything the Golden Court had seen before. They had come to these lands believing we were weak. They had no idea how utterly powerful a mother protecting a child could be, and those who tempted fate died swiftly and without remorse.
War wasn’t ugly in places where the people stood together against evil and tyranny. Those who had once played victim to the games of the more powerful stood shoulder to shoulder around those who could no longer stand or fight. Prisoners who still bore the bruises upon their bodies fought tooth and nail to ensure their people would not be taken to dungeons again. Stragglers who managed to get past Solas and his army were hunted like the dogs they were by the women who once had begged the dogs for the pain to stop. When caught, there had been no amount of pleading that could keep back what they had earned.
The Gate was closed, and the mortals who were now trapped in Elphame were found and offered sanctuary. Without help, without protection, they’d fall prey to the powerful. The weak were always victims of the strong in both the mortal and Fae realms. The Fae outside, in the mortal realm, either wanted to be there or deserved to be cut off from Elphame, for they were only in the mortal lands to bring anarchy and madness to the people. Now they would suffer that same fate. They’d slowly wither and starve of Fae magick. Having seen what the brink of madness could do to another, I knew it was a fate worse than death.
I had spent days in bed, sleeping, barely waking for food or drink. A deep sleep had sucked me under on the battlefield, surrounded by those who had fought and died to close that Gate. Zephyr had brought me home, as he had promised. Each time I woke, Nix was there, on my pillow. When a visitor came, they left empty-handed. Nix chanced no one and nothing. Until I was strong enough to protect myself, he, my little friend, would protect me. I woke to him and his sword, trying to fight off Zephyr. Nix won, not because Zephyr was stronger, but because Nix deserved his right to protect his only living family member. Solas was the only one Nix didn’t bar and the only one he trusted to watch over me in his absence.
But Nix couldn’t keep the shadows at bay, not wholly. You can’t stop what you can’t grab. And when Nix couldn’t fight them, he stayed seated on my legs, fighting to hold me in a world the shadows weren’t tethered to. If they wanted to take me, they were taking him with them, and they did. They held me and healed me. They brought me energy and rebuilt the pieces of my soul that I scuffed off in the Gate. Soon, Nix didn’t mind them. He understood why they were coming.
While asleep, Solas had replaced all my broken furniture. Knowing I was locked in Elphame for eternity, Solas carved out a space for me. When I finally woke, I didn’t know how I felt about it. I didn’t know how I felt about anything. I was happy to be alive, but so many had paid dearly for it. It was a debt I’d carry with me forever.
“The fog thickened, and Zephyr couldn’t feel you anymore. I tried to get in, to get to you, but I couldn’t pass. It was a wall, and nothing I did could break it.” Solas spoke quietly, stroking my back. As hard as he tried, I could still hear the hint of fear and tears in his voice. “I tried to force Zephyr to go in and get you, but he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t force you to come back. I tried everything to make him save you, but he kept telling me he wouldn’t fate you with a painful path unless you asked for it.”
“I’m so sorry.” My heart broke for him and the fear and loss he had felt.
“When I thought all hope was lost, I heard the screeches from the sky. On the shoulders of the Sluagh, Nix and Orrian stood, leading a dozen into the fog. Nix and your little creature dragged you from the Gate to my waiting hands.”
“How did the Sluagh get in, but you couldn’t?” I asked.
“They didn’t come back out, Perdi. They breached a space big enough for only Nix and Orrian to get in and out, to bring you back.”
I touched his face gently and closed my eyes. “Thank you,” I said to those who gave and gave for me to live. “I’m so sorry for your losses, Solas.”
“They gave willingly, Perdi, and I will not forget. This court will never forget their sacrifice. Both Zephyr and I have spent time with the families of the fallen, ensuring they will be taken care of for their sacrifice.” He kissed my forehead. “It is us, all of us, who owe you for your sacrifice.”
“It wasn’t much of a sacrifice, given I’m still alive,” I countered.
Solas tilted my head to the side and looked me in the eyes. “You gave your life, Perdi. It doesn’t matter if you came back or not. You gave yourself willingly, knowing it meant death. You didn’t go in thinking you’d come back. That, little Crow, is what true sacrifice is.”
“When I was in the Gate, I called on Zephyr. He gave me back my pearl. But I thought he couldn’t?” I asked.
“You saw only the link between you both, a vision of him when he touched the part of your soul he had. Your pearl has always kept you both connected,” he answered and snarled for a heartbeat. His jealousy was thick in the air, but he swallowed it. “He couldn’t give it back, not when you first asked for it. When I had asked him before why he wouldn’t give it back, he said he was keeping it until you needed it. When you walked into the Gate, Zephyr stayed close by. He said you’d need him. He knew the Gate would kill you. He knew if you held on, if you wanted to come back, you’d need it.” Solas kissed my bruised back. I was marked head to toe. “For a moment there, I didn’t think you’d choose to live.”
“For a moment, I almost didn’t,” I answered honestly. “But I couldn’t give in. I had to try. I couldn’t leave you all. And as much as I know this world brings suffering, it also brings love.”
Zephyr had kept my secret, our secret. I was a Soul-Eater, and that reason alone was why I was alive, why I was given life again. I was surprised that Solas hadn’t known. But Zephyr kept this even from his lifelong friend, Solas. He kept all of who he was from the one person he trusted most. If Zephyr didn’t trust his king with this information, I would keep it for now. Some things were never meant to be said out loud, and some things weren’t worth dying over.
