The Court of Less, page 15
“He’ll choose his people,” I replied.
“I would have said the same thing a year ago. But not now, not after seeing him with you. For now, just keep your mouth shut.”
“What are we figuring out? It’s not like the threat will be long-lived.” I pointed out my inevitable fate to die in Elphame. I couldn’t be much of a threat from the grave.
“Just keep it to yourself for now. You don’t understand. If the other courts found out that Solas housed two Soul-Eaters, the fight would never stop, regardless of whether you survived the Gate or not. They’d come, and you’d never even have the chance to close the Gate,” he answered then froze. “Damn it. I have to go.”
“You can’t just drop this on me and leave, Zeph. What the hell is more important?”
“Hunting down the last of the survivors from the attack at the manor.” He rubbed the bridge of his nose and let out a long and shaking breath. “Perdi, if there are any who survived the attack, they will tell others about what you did. If you’re not held to blame, I will be. I told you to kill them all for a reason. I never leave survivors.”
“Solas knew what I had done when I was on the run. He saw the bodies in the forest. Faolan knows what I did, too.”
“That’s easily explained with dark magick, wild from your emotion. You come from a potent line of witches. Last night, you killed over two hundred soldiers. Right now, Solas thinks it was me who did it. What do you think will happen if the rest of Elphame knows you can do that?”
“They’ll kill me?”
He huffed a laugh. “No. Not even close. Soul-Eaters aren’t that lucky. They’ll refocus their attack and take you as they took me long ago. They will enter that battlefield not to kill you but to control you. They’ll train you. They’ll push you to become the new nightmare of Elphame. Then, when you’re too broken to care, they’ll loose you on the world. Do you want to be sent into the mortal world with this power and only hate as a focus?”
“No.”
He stepped to my front. “And what happens if they send you back here? Or to a village of weaker Fae? What then, Perdi?”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I would never…”
“You will!” Zephyr shouted, getting his message across loud and clear. “You will, Perdi. You’ve only had a sip of what Elphame can do. You do not want to taste it all. The things they’ll make you do? You don’t want that life. Believe me. I’ve been there. I thought I was stronger than them all, but I wasn’t. Pain and horror motivate us all in the worst of ways. No matter what you think you can endure, you will break. Even I broke, and I was trained to endure the worst.”
“What the hell do I do, then?”
“Do not use it again unless you are backed into a corner with no way out. And if you do use it, be willing to kill everyone who saw it—and I truly mean everyone, Perdi. That is the cost of this power. There can never be survivors. If ever someone lives, you must be willing to hunt them to the ends of the earth. It’s the harshest of truths to be a Soul-Eater, to choose your life over theirs. But those are the consequences we must face, each and every time we decide our lives are more important than theirs.”
I nodded. “I’ve seen you use it. Why didn’t you kill me? Why did you leave a witness?”
“I don’t know,” he answered and looked at me with wonder. He stayed paused, questioning why I still stayed above ground. “I must go.”
“You’re going to kill them if there are any left?” I asked. “Those who saw?”
“Yes. Or you and I will both be hunted. And I’d hate to show you what must be done to survive. I don’t want that life for you. I hope you are never tasked with killing people who don’t deserve it, just to protect who we are. There are times, little Crow, when witnesses don’t deserve this fate, and it kills your soul to doll it out. Trust me when I tell you, the path we walk is rotten with pain and suffering, and most of it is ours to carry.”
Zephyr pulled me into his shadows and dropped me on my balcony before I had time to ask another question, before I could tell him not to kill innocents, before I could remind him that I was already destined to die in Elphame. I wondered if his hunt played a role in my fate. If he did not go, would my fate change and I’d be stuck forever in Elphame, either on the run or locked in a prison being groomed into a nightmare?
The roof above my bedroom looked like a mountain had blown apart, sending its rocks landing in one place. Gargoyles of all sizes perched in their slumber—more than I could count. It didn’t frighten me to see them, but it also did nothing to calm my nerves. I had one day left.
“I told you they were pests,” Nix called out from my bedroom door.
I spun with an ear-to-ear smile, the kind of happiness that sprung from the soul. “Nix.”
“Do you mind if I come in?” he asked, still nervous about me and my grief. He stood on the hall side of my door, waiting for an invitation.
I ducked into my room and knelt at the foot of my bed. I opened my arms for him. “Well, don’t just stand there. Come here.”
Nix jumped into my arms and buried his face in my hair. I had so many things to say, but tears were all that mustered their way out. We sat like that until I felt all my pieces come back together. I hadn’t realized until now, with Nix gone, that a big part of me was missing.
“I’m so sorry, Nix. You were never a problem. I was. I’m sorry.” I cried into his little body, not ever wanting to let go. “Don’t leave me again.”
He squirmed and pulled back, sitting in the crook of my arm. “I had to take Elswyth—” he started, but my hard look of knowing the truth stopped him. “I felt like a reminder. I lied to you so much and played a role in your suffering. I thought, if I left, you’d heal, then maybe I could come back and apologize. I don’t know. I just wanted you to get better, whatever the cost.”
“I wasn’t a good friend to you, Nix.”
“Don’t say that. You’ve been my closest friend for as long as I can remember.”
I shook my head. “No. Maybe once I was. But the pain, the memories… I was looking for someone to blame. I was looking for a reason. But it wasn’t your fault any more than it was my own. You did your best in the situation you were in. You were given a task, and I can’t thank you enough for fulfilling it. I love you, Nix, and I would have died without you so many times. You have always been my friend. You’ve faced death with me, such horrors, and never once did you leave my side to save yourself. I didn’t even think you’d need help after the Golden Court. Are you okay?”
He smiled and snuggled back in. “It was hard. It still is. But everything feels a little lighter now that I’m here.”
“How is Elswyth?” I asked.
Nix shrugged. “She’s numb, like the rest of us. She’s lived a hard life, Perdi. And now, she’s free. There’s a lot of healing to be done.”
“Did you meet her soon-to-be husband?”
“No, I caught wind of war and returned.”
“You came back for war?” I laughed.
He popped up with a laugh. “You can’t be the only one to have the fun.”
“I wouldn’t call it fun,” I muttered. As happy as I was to see him, I’d be leaving him, too. I felt instantly sad once again.
“I came back for you, Perdi. I know what will happen at the Gate,” he whispered. “You won’t be alone in the end. I’ll be there, and I’ll make sure you are brought home. I swear on my life, I won’t leave you there for the birds. I will bring you home, where you belong.”
My eyes watered. “You know?”
He nodded. “It will take all you are to stop this. I’m not a fool. And I wouldn’t have you face it alone.”
I smiled through my tears. “I’m so sorry, Nix.”
“Don’t. I will not grieve you yet—and neither will you. Live every moment, Perdi. It’s all we have, our moments of happiness.”
I sniffled and cleaned my face of tears. “You’re right.”
“I’ve heard you’ve been training with Zephyr. How’s that been going?” He changed the topic, and I let him.
I shrugged. “As good as one could imagine training with a”—I paused—“Aos Si would be.”
“A what?” Nix asked, and I looked away. “Oh, that. Yeah, I know that, too. Remember, I’m small, and people never think to look down when they’re telling their secrets.”
I stared at him for a long moment to see if he truly knew. Nix mimicked eating the air, and I laughed. I raised my eyebrows, didn’t confirm or deny, but didn’t risk saying it out loud.
“I won’t say the words out loud, either. I just got here. I’d hate to have to leave so soon again, unwillingly,” Nix answered. He looked around my room, still destroyed. “I love what you’ve done with the place. It’s very open concept and minimalist.”
“I had a bit of a fire.” I blushed.
“Uh-huh.” He smiled and froze, turning to the balcony. “He’s coming.”
“Who?” I asked. “Zephyr?”
“No, worse…Solas.” Nix smiled. “Yes, I’ve already heard about you both—and your room smells of him.”
I felt the heat tickle my neck. “It just happened.”
“I’m not judging you, Perdi.” Nix kissed my nose. “He’s almost died for you countless times. If you can’t love the man who will die for you, who can you love?”
“I didn’t say I loved him,” I answered.
“Uh-huh,” Nix answered and jumped off my legs and out of the door as I moved to the balcony.
“I’m glad you’re back, Nix,” I called from outside.
“Are you ready?” Solas landed beside me, and I screamed.
“Ready? For what?” I asked, clutching my pounding heart.
“For me to show you what we’re fighting for,” he answered and grabbed my waist. I was off the ground, in his arms, wrapped in wind and black smoke. One moment I stood on my balcony, looking up at the war that waited, nested on the roof. The next, I stood behind the mountains, in his court, the Court of Shadows, the most feared place in Elphame. Every terrifying story ended in this court, and it was beautiful. Solas hadn’t brought me here until now, when I needed to see it most.
The city was incredible. Black stone, dark granite, rose from the earth and formed buildings and shops and houses and halls. The Sluagh caves overlooked every inch of a land Solas had become a monster to protect. We stood in a bowl, held in the mountains, trees towered above, and on every tip stood the Sluagh, ready and waiting to defend the court. The streets were lined with tiny black stones, glittering like stars. So many Fae bustled about, and children of all sizes filled the streets with laughter. It reminded me of Whitwick, from the smells to the sounds. Everything moved together, fit together, as if one single piece missing would be noticed.
“Why on earth would you not choose to live here?” I asked. “It’s beautiful.”
“War, little Crow. If I lived here, they’d always come for me here. I won’t bring that to my people,” he answered, and it made perfect sense. “And, could you imagine the Sluagh traipsing down these streets? The bills for damage alone would break my treasury—not to mention those they’d trample would be less than understanding.”
Solas held out his elbow, and I slipped my arm into his. He walked me through the streets, pointing out where he grew up, where he and Zephyr had met, where he’d broken his arm as a child fighting and where Zephyr had broken his arm again the day they’d met. Every block had a memory attached—some were fond, and some made him shudder and shake the memory away before he felt the pain of it fully. We both passed the sweet shop, knowing I’d prefer never to taste candy again. The book shop grabbed my full attention. I roamed the isles while Solas spoke with the gentleman at the counter, like they had been close friends. I found a book then frowned.
“Is something wrong?” Solas stepped to my side.
“Yes, I don’t actually have any money.” I started to laugh. “Do Fae use money?”
“Yes, we have money.” He pulled me into his front. “Don’t worry. You can pay me back later, in favors and flesh.”
I shoved him off and felt my cheeks heat. “You’re awful.”
Solas put the charge for the book on his account. He teased me out in the streets, pinching my rear as I swatted him and laughed. He finally relented and pulled me under his arm. We dined in the park and drank wine under the stars on a balcony overlooking the city. It was everything I wanted my last night in Elphame to be. I thought it would hurt more, knowing I’d leave, but it felt right. In my bones, it felt like an end that needed to happen, the end to what could be a new beginning for mortals and Fae alike. I didn’t mind being the Crow tonight, the sacrifice for all.
“It’s peaceful here. I don’t want to leave,” I finally said, breaking up a comfortable silence with an uncomfortable topic.
“Don’t. You don’t have to leave here or the manor. Tomorrow is your choice. I won’t force it on you,” he replied. “If you don’t want to leave, stay.”
“I have to go.”
His face fell slightly. Disappointed. “I don’t want you to.”
“I know, but I also don’t want there to ever be another Crow. I want to be the last.”
“You asked once what I feared. This is it, Perdi. I fear losing all this—my people, my friends, those I love…you.”
I didn’t bother feeding him lies or comforts, but the truth was too difficult to say out loud. I cupped his face and kissed him as deeply as I could. I wanted to taste him to his core. I wanted to remember what he felt like. I needed to feel every fiber of his being. I needed to drink him down because I’d never get the chance again. I wanted to leave him with a piece of me, a part of goodness, to force him to hold on once I was gone. A tether in the storm that would be coming and would crush him. He would feel as I once had, alone and completely heartbroken.
My breath caught in my throat as his teeth nipped at my neck. We made love under the stars, in a land made of nightmares, and it was a perfect end.
“Whatever happens tomorrow, know that this was the best night of my life,” I whispered into his chest and drifted to sleep with the sound of his beating heart under my hand.
Chapter Eleven
The sun rose over the Dark Courts, and with it came my last day. I started the day surrounded by those I cared for deeply, and those I had learned had a place in my heart. And in those moments, I felt the weight of every decision I had ever made—from the moment I’d met Faolan to setting the darkness free upon Elphame. They rested on my shoulders, heavier now than when I had first made them. Every act and turn and choice had led me to the conclusion of my short life.
Before I left my bedroom, I placed the book of poetry I had purchased on my bed, with a final goodbye to Solas.
Know deep in your heart how very deep you are in mine.
You deserve so much more than what I’m leaving you with.
Find peace.
I love you,
Little Crow.
I thought I’d have more regrets when I came to the end of my life, but I didn’t, not really. If I had to do it all over, I wouldn’t change the path, only the strength I found along the way. To change anything, I suppose, would have taken me away from this moment. And as much as I didn’t want to die here, I also didn’t want hundreds of Crows to die in my place. I had to be here. I had to do this. Those who had come before me had carved my path. They had done all they could to make the last leg of my journey as painless as possible. But no greatness ever came without pain. No act worthy of notice from the Gods ever came without the bleeding of souls. I would be the sacrifice they had been waiting for. If I wasn’t willing to lose what I held dear, my life, for what I wanted, all I wanted would be sacrificed instead.
I was only a child when I’d learned what true sacrifice was, when my mother gave her life for who she was. I had thought I’d never feel that kind of pain again. Until Elphame, I had no idea what sacrifice could be. Now, as I stood on the precipice of war, I was finally a willing tithe to the Gods and Goddesses. It both scared and settled me.
The Aos Si army, the Sluagh, gargoyles and beasts had spent the night moving the last of the families out of the Court of Less and into the protected lands of the Sluagh. Those from the Seelie and Unseelie Courts who came to the Dark borders seeking sanctuary were granted a safe place to hide. No one was turned away. War was ugly, but it didn’t need to be cruel to those who didn’t stand between each army.
The Golden King, Theofanis, burned the lands between his court and us, leaving the charred remains as a reminder that war didn’t care if you were innocent. Those who stood against him were left to die on the road to the Courtless. Theofanis and his armies stood between the Gate and me. Nothing was left but smoke and death. I was wrong about Theofanis. He was not like his father. He was worse. But war made everyone worse. It twisted us and pushed us to do the unthinkable. To live, to protect those we love, we burned everything that stood between us and that which we cherished.
Solas stood at the front, his army behind us. I could smell the blood before I saw the bodies. Ahead of us, the ground was littered with pieces, limbs and flesh left behind by Theofanis. As far as my eyes could see, it was bloody and brutal. It was not a war that left those bodies, but a message from Theofanis, a warning. Theofanis chose his weapon wisely—fear. But he was young and hadn’t seen the true horrors that followed behind Solas. He hadn’t seen the terrors hiding from sight.
I moved to Solas’ side and looked out as Theofanis’ army grew in numbers as they spread across the field. It looked like a storm rolling in. The ground thundered under my feet as they moved. I looked at Solas, and he was smiling. He wasn’t afraid. His entire life, hundreds of years, boiled down to this one moment, this tick in time. His fate had finally come. His courage radiated out to his people. And as the army grew under our close watch, not a single one of Solas’ people flinched. They, like Solas, grinned in anticipation. The Dark Courts were bred for war. This was what they did. It was who they were. They were born and bred in the bellies of beasts.
