The Court of Less, page 10
“We all seek a home.”
I smiled weakly. “My dad… Do you know what happened to him?”
Elda closed her eyes and nodded. “I’m sorry, my child. I do not see him.”
I scrunched my face and fought not to break down. “How? Is he dead?”
“I stopped seeing him the moment of your Taking.”
My heart was absolutely smashed, and all my hope had leaked out with her news, news I had already known. I hung my head. I feared this moment, learning of his death, but deep down, I knew it before I had stepped foot in Elphame. Everything always circled back to Faolan. Even if he didn’t land the killing blow upon my father, he was who I blamed. “I want to go home.”
“Do you know what kept your greatest grandmother on these lands?” She pulled me to the surface of my drowning grief.
“No,” I answered solemnly. “We had suspected she had died as long ago as she had been born. It wasn’t until the Fae came to my home for my Taking that I discovered she had even lived.”
“It was your line which caused the opening, the very Gate that took countless lives. Three Darkmore witches heard the faint call of Elphame. They caused a Gate between the fabric of Elphame and humanity. Not realizing what they had done, it was your line who bedded a Fae and created the first halfling. Not long after, the horror of Elphame set in. And when they tried to stop it, it was too late. Fae had tasted mankind. The worse of Elphame became a reality for the mortal world. Fae took who they pleased, killed thousands upon thousands. In return, thousands of Fae had fallen at the hands of humans. A war brewed between us both.
“To save us all, three Darkmore witches and the Kings of Elphame signed oaths. And through the years, the Fae tracked the Darkmore line, slaughtering all but one, Aoife, who was placed under the protection of Solas.” Elda poured tea for us both. She reminded me of every grandmother I had met—soft, yet terrifying if you cornered one of their grandchildren. “As your line opened the Gate, only your line can close it. Aoife came here knowing she’d never return. She came here and cursed her line, cursed all Elphame. She cursed you, Perdita, in hopes you’d come and fight to close the Gate your very blood helped open.”
“I read about her sacrifice, her last entry, in the journals.”
“Solas helped her get here. He sacrificed his own people to get her across. We were forbidden never to bring a Darkmore to these lands again, but Solas disobeyed and made the ultimate sacrifice—everything he’s ever loved, his home, his people, his soul. When he brought you, he did it once again. He was tasked with killing you at the Gate, should you be too powerful. The Golden King wanted you, but not if you were too powerful to control. And when you crossed over, Solas felt all of who you are. The very grounds of Elphame shuddered when you set foot here, and even I, in these caves, felt you cross. But he did not kill you. He lied and let you live. All on a whimper of hope did he give everything to ensure your survival.”
“I didn’t know that part.”
“We all gave our freedoms and lives willingly if it meant this would end.”
“Why would you give your freedom or your life for a human? We’re the only ones who suffer.”
“Silly girl, only the soulless would willingly partake in the torture of children. I’ve seen hundreds of children marched through our lands to pay a price they didn’t deserve. Their screams echoed throughout all Elphame. There was not a place you could hide from the savageness of what has been done and what will be done.”
“Why would they want another Darkmore? If it’s forbidden to take us, why not just kill me when I got here, end the threat we pose and the Darkmore line completely?”
“That is the question, isn’t it? They thought they could win you. If they couldn’t, some did plan to kill you in the end, but not before they got their final tithe from your line—a child.”
I shuddered. “I never thought it would be Faolan who would do this to me. I trusted him.”
“To protect your people, could you not turn on him? Could you not kill him?”
I nodded. “To protect innocent people, yes. But killing me was never about keeping his people safe. He did it for greed, for power, for control.”
“I did not say he would kill you, merely some would see you dead. What his intentions were, I cannot say.” She corrected me. Semantics was all that was. Just because it wouldn’t be him that landed the killing blow doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be to blame. “What do you think would have happened to his people had he said no, had he protected you as you needed?”
“That doesn’t make it right,” I countered.
“True, but it doesn’t make it wrong, either. You know as well as anyone the things we must do, who we must become, to survive. The balance of it all, doing what is needed over what’s wanted, doing what is right for the many over the one and saving as many as you can in the process. Selecting those to sacrifice for the lives of their people is the burden of every king.”
I scowled at her response. I hadn’t come for the reminder of the monster still lurking in the shadows of my soul.
“I did not say I agree or disagree with who Faolan became or who he will grow to become. I am telling you I understand the need to protect your people at all costs, and for some, the cost is their soul.”
“Rape and torture… No one must become that big a monster,” I countered.
“Be thankful you’ve never been faced with that choice.”
“Why are you defending those monsters?” I asked, my temper flaring. I swore the temperature rose with the boil of my anger.
“You have come here for answers. No one said you would like the answers you’d receive, child. I am not defending anyone for their actions, but I also will not judge them by choices I’ve not had to make myself. You cannot plunge a man into atrocities and expect him not to adapt. After thousands of years of war, death and destruction, Elphame is what remains and what will continue to remain. You either adjust your moral compass or you die. The world, mortal and Fae, demands that only the strongest can survive.”
“Adapt…” I whispered, and I shuddered at the thought of my own adjustments made to survive.
She nodded. “Indeed, it is a bleak future when we build thrones of blood and bones.”
“Where do I fit into this future of Elphame?” I asked.
“Not just you and not just Elphame. We all have stakes in this outcome, Perdita. For, as many who will live, will die. If the Gate remains open, people will die on both sides, as it has always been. If the Gate closes and there are no Crows to take outside of Elphame, the inner wars will begin once again. The only time there has been any peace across these lands has been at the cost of your realm, at the cost of the lesser Fae.”
“What do I do?” I asked.
“You do nothing and watch your fate become that of another mortal, or you can finish what Aoife started and close the Gate for good.”
“And what cost shall I bear for this?” I asked.
“Wise girl. There is always a cost, isn’t there?” She smiled softly. “The cost is your human life.”
“It’ll kill me?” I was surprised.
“All magick, especially Malice, has a price for use, Perdita. You know this. You know the rule of thrice. Three Darkmore witches have already given their lives to this spell—Aoife, your mother, who knew you’d be Taken, and you are the third. You will be the one who pays the highest price.” Each word was another rock placed on my grave. “I see two outcomes for you, Perdita. I’ve dreamed of both. One, you are found dead, bloodied and bruised, puffy from a long pain. But faintly, I also see you trapped here in Elphame for good. I do not know which end will result in closing the Gate. But I do see war. No matter your choice, I see war coming and a fearsome battle.”
“What happens after the Gate is closed?”
“Fae caught in the human world will be cut off from Elphame and the magick that makes them Fae. They would likely perish if they could not return. Humans still in the Fae world would be trapped for all time. Battles will be fought and won. Death will come and go. But balance will be found.”
“My choices are a painful death and being stranded in Elphame. It doesn’t really sound like there are many options to choose from.”
“Does it matter? In the end, does the fate of one halfling matter when the rest of our worlds are on the brink of war?” she asked in return. “Would you churn the choices over and over, weighing the options best suited for only you?
“No,” I answered truthfully. “I suppose not.”
“This is your sacrifice to bear and yours alone. The choices are yours to make, and I envy you none of them.”
I nodded and finished my tea in silence. I would die, or I would never go home. Both were painful truths that were hard to wash down with my spiced tea. Grief washed over me, as it often did at random times, replacing my carefully constructed lie of normality. I closed my eyes and let it come. To fight it was useless. I let it settle in my bones, where it wouldn’t budge. Layers upon layers, I’d have to rip back and stare into the painful truth of my existence, both healing and terrifying at once.
“The pain you feel, the questioning and blame, you’re not alone in this,” she added as I stood. She touched my hand for the briefest of moments and pulled back, rubbing her knuckles. “I had to know.”
“Know what?” I asked.
She smiled. “If you were the one.”
“To close the Gate?”
“No, the one Solas was meant to save. The Crow who would love him. I needed to know if the favors he sold were worth the cost.”
“I didn’t know he sold favors.” I frowned. I let the other part fall to the side. But I knew I had only wanted to hate him and never could. “He never mentioned it. What did it cost him?”
“How could he tell you? He juggled both heaven and hell. And your hate for him was once as pure as glacier water. As to the costs, those are his to share.” Her answer left me with more questions. “The day you sold a piece of yourself to Zephyr, the Sluagh were coming for you.”
“I thought they were coming to kill me,” I answered.
“Any other day, they would have—not out of hate, but out of sorrow, out of pity for you. We felt your pain, heard your cries, tasted your tears in the wind and rain. We heard you beg for help, for death. We did what we could to keep you safe as you ran. The Sluagh must carefully balance which wars we will start and finish. But Solas? He came to save you and spared no cost.” Her eyes glittered like the night, tears glistening on her cheeks. “You are not alone in your pain. We share in it, for we’re all looking over the same abyss and wondering if we will be pushed or will jump willingly.”
“Don’t you see all?”
“It is both a burden and a curse to have the sight. But not even I can see what choices you’ll make—only the possible outcomes,” she answered with a sigh. “I do not see my end. I do not see the end for those I love. I merely glimpse the possibilities of those tied to it.”
“Thank you for meeting with me,” I said as I stepped down from her dais.
“I would wish you long life, but I’m not sure if that’s what you’re hoping for, so I will wish you a painless end.”
“I wish… I wish for you to have one night where your dreams are everything you want in life and nothing like what I know you dream.”
She smiled. “That, dear Perdi, is one of the nicest wishes I’ve been given.”
I left her where I found her, alone in her cave. The farther I moved away from her, the less I left the numbness. It was replaced with everything at once. The frozen fear that kept me from feeling anything at all was gone. I was given the truth without needing to barter for it. I was given brutal honesty that burned me to my core, but it was my truth, and I didn’t have to trade a chunk of my soul for it, although it felt like I’d left my soul on the ground at her feet, trampled on and beyond any repair.
At the mouth of the cave, Solas stood. He didn’t leave me. I ran from the tunnels, and for the briefest of moments, I could fly. I heard the start of Solas’ scream, but the darkness wrapped around me and pulled me from the plummet. I almost regretted being caught.
“Zephyr,” I whispered into the shadows gripped tightly around me.
“Yes?”
“I’m going to die here, in Elphame,” I finally said.
“I know.”
“It’s going to hurt.”
“Everything hurts in Elphame. Make it count.”
The shadows left me in my room, alone in my thoughts, alone with my sadness and anger and my need to seek vengeance against Faolan, against everyone who brought me to this godforsaken place. Even in freedom, I wasn’t truly free. My choices were few, and neither brought me closer to home. I dropped to my knees. The weight of Elphame crushed me. It squeezed out everything good until I was nothing but pain. It took everything from me—everything worth having, worth loving. It took my father, and now I was utterly alone in the world, both in the mortal realm and Elphame.
The rage flowed from the pit of fire in my stomach and didn’t stop. I didn’t want it to stop. It tore out of me in a burning cry. It kept coming even after my voice was gone and my tears had dried. The room exploded into bits of wood and glass from the force expelled from my soul. Numb, I curled into a ball and watched as the walls licked with the flames of my pain. I wanted it all to burn, from the Dark Courts to the highest peaks in Elphame. I’d bathe in the ashes of this godforsaken place. I’d choke them all for each Crow Taken.
“Perdi,” Solas called from the threshold of the room, but I didn’t answer. “I’m right here. I’ve always been right here.”
I watched him move through the wind and fire of my grief. The flames crawled over his flesh, but he didn’t burn. He held out his hand and pushed through the wreckage, reaching for me. Chunks of falling embers landed and burned away clothes, leaving not a mark on his skin. The moment the flames touched him, they vanished in a wisp of smoke, gone under the cool breeze that flowed from his soul. He could claim the fires in hell as his own.
“You’re not alone. You’ve never been alone.” His voice cut through the storm like thunder. He crawled to my side and grabbed my hand. The moment he touched me, the storm stopped, debris fell and the flames extinguished. His touch was cold against the burn within me. His very touch stopped my world from spinning out of control. I fought the urge to pull away and let it all burn around us. The satisfaction I’d feel, I was willing to bet, would be worth it.
“My dad is gone,” I cried out. “I’m the only one left, Solas. I have no one left who loves me. No one left who will protect me. I’m alone.”
“That’s not true.”
I shook my head. “No, there’s no one who will protect me simply because I’m worth protecting. Here, in Elphame, I’m nothing more than a pawn—a tool to be used up until I die. No one wants me to live because my life has value.”
Solas pulled me into his chest and wrapped himself around me until all I could smell was him. “I will protect you, Perdi, for no other reason than because you are worthy of protection and love and kindness.”
I pulled my head back. I needed him to see the look on his face. I needed him to know I couldn’t be anything more than who and what I am. “We both know I’m only here because you want me to close the Gate.”
“That’s not true. I protected you even when I didn’t think you were the one to close the Gate, and I will keep protecting you whether you do it or not.”
“What would happen to your people if I left or didn’t close it?”
Solas hugged her tighter. “You don’t need to worry about my people. I have protected them for this long, and I will keep protecting them long after you.”
“What about my people?” I asked.
He sighed. “I want to lie, to make this feel less horrible. The truth is, the Taking will continue until the Gate is closed or until all Elphame decides against it. The Gate will rot long before Elphame chooses not to Take Crows.
“Am I a debt you must pay?” I lifted my face to his. I looked into his eyes to see his truth.
“No, that’s not what I meant.”
“Then what did you mean?”
“Many oaths were made to get you here. Many innocent people put their lives on the line to get you to my door. I paid those debts willingly to ensure your safety. But you weren’t just a debt. It was a poor choice of words. You are someone worth sacrifice, worth any cost I can pay freely.”
“What did it cost you?” I asked.
He shook his head. “There are some things better left unsaid.”
“What did it cost you, Solas?” I demanded. “How do you expect me to trust you when you keep me from the truth?”
“Some truths are harder to say out loud than others. For some, I paid in gems and jewels—worthless trinkets I care nothing for, to keep you from their advances at court. For others, I helped with land and homes. Many of the oaths made to the Lesser Fae and the wee folk, I paid in seeds and herbs, moving trees, repairing roofs,” he answered, then closed his eyes. “But there were those I dealt with who are much more brutal than I could ever become. The price for those deals was me. It cost nights with me. It cost me pain and relearning what hurt feels like. To others, I am the darkness that lurks in the shadows, and I paid for their fear with my own.”
“Why would you do that? I’m just a Crow.” My last words came out strangled.
He lifted my chin and dabbed away my tears. “You’re more than that. You’re my fate.”
“Your fate?”
“From the day I was born, I have lived for this very moment. My grandmother spoke of the day I would give my kingdom for a Crow. I’d offer my life for someone in the here and the there…a halfling. I’ve dreamed of you, and I’ve waited. It is how Zephyr and I became close, a shared destiny with the Crow. Like his, my fate is tied to yours and always has been. I have prepared for you from the day I was born. Decades after decades came and went with a new Crow during every Tithe. And each time, I tried to save them and failed. When Zephyr gave himself, I thought he was a fool. I didn’t think the Gods would ever allow you to come. I thought it was a cruel joke of Fate to have given me so much hope and never bring you.
