The Court of Less, page 14
“But then I saw you fly. I watched as you dove and became a Crow. You were fighting for us. I thought, if you died, you’d die protecting my people. And at first, I wanted to shield you, protect you, but knew that if I did, I’d stop who you are becoming.”
“And who is that?” I asked.
“Who you were always meant to be, a Crow who suffered for none. You were born to be free, and I was born to find you.” Solas kissed my mouth softly. “No matter what comes or who comes, I won’t ever let them take you from me. There is no war I fear more than I fear the loss of you. I would stand against all, alone, before I gave you up.”
My heart broke for him. A lifetime of searching for me, holding me, only to lose me. As a child, I was taught that death came for all equally, but I knew the harsh truth of it. It snatched at anyone it could, cutting people down who deserved more time. It took those who were far too young and left behind those who were old and had lived more lives than the rest. Death took the good and left the vile, those who were deserving of the cruelest of endings. Tonight, in the arms of Solas, I felt the harsh glare of death as he sat down in the corner and waited for me.
“For one night, let us be here, in this very moment, and forget about what led us here and what is yet to come,” I asked. “I need to close it out, just for one night.”
“I would give anything to make this go away for you,” he answered.
“Then kiss me.” I smiled, and he did.
Tonight, we made love. Because soon, I’d have no more tonights. We’d wage a war that would take them all away. I’d leave no witnesses if that’s what it took to get to the Gate. But even if I did, I wouldn’t be here to deal with the fallout. Solas would, and he’d be alone again. Knowing what fate had shoved through our door left my heart a little more broken today than yesterday. I had finally found him, the one I would die for. And now, I’d be called to task. It would be my final sacrifice, a demand of every Crow before me.
Chapter Ten
I’d seen my death countless times, and each time I did, I moved a little closer to the dying light. The more I inched closer, the calmer my soul became. The flickering light, barely holding on for me, was waiting for a sacrifice that both it and my soul knew I’d make. In every dream for the last two weeks, it ended with me willingly giving my life to the Gate. There had been no other outcome I’d choose and none I’d want to make.
I dreamed of Elda’s visions of me but never of me being trapped in Elphame alive. It was always of my dead and bloodied body on the grass outside of the Gate. It was so real. I could feel the earth under my shoulders and smell what the war had left lingering in the air. Only now did I realize I was watching my end before it came. Any question I had remaining of my fate was washed away. I would die in Elphame, and I wasn’t as scared as I thought I’d be. It was hard to fear a fate you knew was coming and couldn’t be changed—an ending I didn’t want to change. Solas had given his entire life to end the Taking. This would be my gift to him. He would have the rest of his days without the horrors of becoming a monster, over and over. Once he accepted the pain of my leaving, he’d finally be free—and so would I.
I walked through the trees of the Dark Court with death following closely behind me. Gone was my hate and my anger. It had burned away the night of the attempted invasion. It had been replaced with a certain quietness that hadn’t been there before. And with it, I was able to look to my future and watch it slowly come to a close. I was uncertain what would happen after, when I died, or where I’d go for what I had done to survive. But I was calm in knowing I didn’t regret it. Like my mother, I’d die without many regrets. Up until her final moments, she had none. The Guardians hanged her for being a witch, killed her for dark magick. It broke my father, but I knew that if the Fates allowed it, he was with her right now. And they’d both be waiting for me.
I suppose, in a way, I’d get what I had fought so hard to gain. I’d be seeing my family again. Soon, I’d leave. I would step into the fog willingly, and I wouldn’t come back out. I’d close the Gate and seal my fate. My death. That thought, death, had once eased me to sleep at night. One day, Elphame would kill me, and I’d finally be at peace. I had yearned for my last breath, however painful it would be. Now, it hurt. Not the idea of death, but knowing Solas would be alone again. All his life, he waited for me, never knowing he was waiting to dig a hole for me. I hurt for him, not for myself. For him, my heart broke, and I wished I could convince Fate to choose someone else.
Tomorrow, the Dark Court would wage war on the waiting armies. Hundreds of thousands of Fae waited for me and me alone. I would stand on the battlefield with Solas, and we’d go to war, not against anyone, but for all our people to finally have peace. But it would take a brutal battle to gain that peace. If I made it to the Gate alive, I’d die in the end. If I didn’t make it to the Gate, I’d die just the same. There were no alternatives that didn’t result in my death and the deaths of countless others. If I tried not, innocents would pay a price I was always meant to bear. If I gave up, the mortal world would suffer. The decision was as easy as it was difficult.
The Darkmore line had been fated with this task long ago. The moment we’d opened the Gate, my destiny had been decided for me. And now that it was upon me, I didn’t fear it. It was coming full circle, a balance in all things. But I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t cursed my line for handing me such a painfully short future.
Zephyr stepped out from the tree line to find me sitting on a log, eating my lunch. “We are to be training for the Gate, not having a picnic.”
“You know, the last time I had a picnic, I fed two servants to water nymphs.” I looked up with a smile.
“Riiight.” He dragged the word out. “You freed two slaves. You’ll never be as cold as you try to be with me. Remember, I have your pearl and the many memories that come with it.”
“That’s not a comforting thought.” I shuddered.
“The truth isn’t meant to be one way or the other. It just is.”
“Well then, this could be my last chance at having a picnic. Would you really take that away from a dying girl?” I smiled. “Plus, I packed you a lunch as well.”
“Your confidence in tomorrow is encouraging.” He smiled and took a seat beside me. “But I could eat.”
“For a Dark Court, it is prettier than I thought it would be.” I stared off into the trees and life around us.
“And the Golden Court isn’t as beautiful as you’d think. At one time, the courts truly were what they were called. The Golden Court, all of Seelie, was pure, and every Fae wanted to be there, to be a part of the shining courts. It truly was a sight to see. Even to be a lesser Fae of the Seelie Court was better than High Fae of the Unseelie Courts. As new kings came and went, it shifted. Now it is only magick that keeps the appearance. It’s why it looks beautiful but feels awful. The Seelie Courts, however pretty they appear, hold a darkness that makes this place look peaceful.”
“It’s more than that, Zeph. There’s a calmness here that can’t be found elsewhere.”
“It helps that you’re not being tortured here,” he answered, and I glanced over. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to dredge up painful shit.”
I shrugged it off. “We’ve all got baggage. Mine is no worse than yours.”
“But yours is still raw. Mine is long-callused. There isn’t much that can call up my pain anymore.”
“That’s sad,” I replied and felt a twinge of pity for him. To be of a people who created so much pain, you just got used to it.
“Are we going to discuss my pains and hurts, or are we going to train? Because I didn’t come here for a cure of all that ails my soul. We don’t have the time to talk of them all, and I don’t have the will to tear open wounds, long healed,” he said, readying to pack in his lunch. Avoidance was crucial to survival for both mortals and Fae alike.
“How’s the planning going?” I asked and bit into an apple. The flavor reminded me of Nix’s garden, his little hands pruning and picking off dead leaves. He’d spent countless hours tending to every inch of my yard, top to bottom. What had started as my mother’s herb garden had grown into a massive plot of greenery. Flowers and vegetables and fruits had filled my kitchen table throughout the year. Even in the winter, he had grown frost-craving plants.
Zephyr lifted his head. “He’s home, Perdi. He just got back before I came here. He’s waiting for you to come home.”
“Who?”
“Nix. That’s who you were thinking of.”
“Can you read my mind?” I stared at him and blushed.
“No, and I’m grateful for that, with how you and Solas carry on. I could only imagine the scandalous things you think.” He teased with a wink. “I can feel you…your pearl. When you think of Nix, it’s a particular feeling you get, like when you open your favorite book or smell a scent from your childhood. When you think of him, you smell like apples. Each person triggers a smell or feeling in us all. With Solas, your swirling mind comes to a crawl. It’s like the world could be ablaze, and you’d be the only one smiling because of him. When you think of him, you smell like lavender and feel like hope.”
“Do you always feel what I’m feeling?” I asked.
“Yes, but I feel you more than any other because of who we are. But adding your pearl to the mix, I can feel you as if I’m experiencing it all myself. Let’s not talk about what I feel when you’re in bed with Solas.”
I rolled my eyes. “So, the planning… You were about to tell me.”
“There’s not much to say. It is a war, like every other one gone by and still to come. Our people have been taken to safety, and those who will fight have kissed their families and are waiting to die.”
“Now who sounds like the fountain of encouragement?” I replied.
“It is not meant to be, little Crow. Many will die. It is a truth we all know and accept. It is the reality of war, and no one is free from it. The moment each of us steps onto that battlefield, we all accept we may not step back off. So, we do what we can in the time we have, we say goodbye to those we love, and we prepare to meet a fate that has already been decided by the Gods and Goddesses.”
“But you’ll come back. You always do,” I added.
He nodded. “It is rare indeed that I wonder if this will be my last day. But the day will come, and I welcome the reason I’ll give my life. Because that is the only way an army will stop me, if I willingly go to my death for someone else.”
“Would you ever sacrifice yourself?” I asked.
“I’d give a lot to save Solas, but I know I’d never have to give my life for his. He, like me, won’t die unless it is in the place of someone else. We’re a tough lot. Death won’t come easily for either of us. When it does knock on our door, it’ll be to save someone we love.” He tilted his head and shrugged. “I want to say no, that I wouldn’t do such a thing. But I believe fate will make that decision for me long down the road. Rest easy. It will not be this war that takes me. There will not be enough men on that field to take either Solas or myself.”
“How do I get to the Gate with everyone willing to die to stop me?” I asked.
“You trust in the fact that there are also people willing to die to get you there,” he answered and pulled out a small, weathered map. “On the right side, this is where you’re headed. Our very best will be there, all of Sluagh, Aos Si and those I would not wish to ever meet in battle. They will get you there, come hell or high water. There is no force on this earth that will tear them all from your side.”
“Can’t I just eat my way through?” I asked.
“Sure, if you want to use up all your energy and have nothing left for the Gate,” he answered with a mocking tone. “You’re not strong enough to try it, and we can’t risk you blowing your only shot at this. Save everything you have until you get there. You’ll feel the energy in the air, eat it and save it. Use it only when absolutely necessary. You asked once how I could do this and not pay for it like you. That is part of the reason why. I do not expend energy I do not freely have. I eat it wherever I go and always save a pool inside for when I can’t.”
“What happens if you run out?” I asked.
“I don’t. Part of being a Soul-Eater is that I have shadows. They collect energy wherever they go. And if ever I were in dire need, I’d sacrifice my shadows. I’d eat all they are.”
I nodded. “What exactly is a Soul-Eater?”
“Exactly what it sounds like. We can eat souls, use their magick and take away their will to live. We eat their very lives to sustain our own. It is not something I’d wish for you to be.”
“Why were you hunted?”
“Because of what we can do, Perdi. It isn’t something to be taken lightly. We can bleed them dry of everything they are,” he answered. “The original Fae, those from the original court, were not called Soul-Eaters. We were the Finis. We were both cruelty and mercy, life and death, peace and war.”
“Did you say Finis?” I asked.
“Yes. We are the Finis, those who helped usher you from this world to the next. We were there for the end of every Fae and ensured each soul was released to the Gods and Goddesses. But eventually, like all power, they became corrupt, greedy and abused their powers. They no longer cared for their duties as Finis and were hunted down and killed, labeled Soul-Eaters. There weren’t many of us who survived. But I learned control from the Court of Blood and Bones. When I could, I left and suffered many losses. I was the only one to master that control and the only Finis to still have my life. Without control, your power can leach out and kill everyone you love. And when it comes back to collect its debt, it could take your life as payment.”
“Elda, she called me…” I started, and Zephyr lifted his hand.
“Don’t. We all have sat with Grandmother Elda, but none speak of what was said. That is yours and yours alone.”
“But—” I started again, and he glared at me. “Okay.”
“Truly, Perdi, should I know the details, it would change your path in my favor, which would alter my own path. I do not wish to play a game against Fate. I will lose, as will you. We do not meddle with her. She’s one hell of a warrior and has won every battle to date,” Zephyr warned. “To even try is pointless.”
“So, Soul-Eaters, what about me? How do I get rid of it?” I asked.
He laughed. “You can’t just get rid of it, little Crow.”
The Crow comment made me smile. He never said it to be hateful, merely to show me how much younger I was than he. Of every Fae, Zephyr was never cruel—honest to a fault but never intentionally wicked, with me at least. Everyone else got a different version of him, and cruel did not cover who he could become.
“One from my line is likely mixed in yours. And the longer you remain in Elphame, the more Fae you become. You’re Wildfey. It’s the luck of the draw that’s the Fae part of you that decided to awaken. Wildfey were mixed with too many others to know what Fae would be born. They really were wild at one time. They were owned by no court, or at least, no court willing to try to own one. You are very much wild, as were your ancestors. I pity the fools who believe they can tame you.”
“The luck of the draw?” I asked.
“Being this, a Soul-Eater, it isn’t a curse I’d wish on anyone. Not all born to a Soul-Eater will become one. It is only a very small percentage of Fae who are fated to become one. When we are born, we’re watched for signs. If by some twisted hand you became one, you were sent away to train, sent away for fear of who you were becoming. It’s a lonely road to walk and one you must walk with absolute care and attention to every single detail. One bad dream, one loss of control, one wish and you could be the cause of countless deaths and not even mean to do it.” Zephyr’s face told me more than his words could. He spoke from experience. He spoke from his memories.
“Will other parts wake up, too? I mean, am I going to all of a sudden sprout wings?”
He stared at me for longer than I wanted. “No, Perdi, you’re not going to wake up with wings any more than I am.”
“Sorry…stupid question.”
“Normally, I’d say there wasn’t such a thing, but yes, it was.” He laughed. “You are who you are, and no amount of wishing is going to change that. We, you and I, are the last.”
“Will the power grow?”
“Your hunger will. And the more you feed it, the stronger you’ll become. You will never become what I am if that’s what you’re worried about. Both of my parents were Finis. You are only part, polluted from mortal blood. But even a shadow of who I am will tremble the world.”
“And if I don’t feed it?” I asked and ignored the polluted comment.
“I don’t know. I’m a man of war. There’s nothing but food for the taking. I’ve never met another of my kind who has not fed it. I’ve no idea what will happen. I don’t recall hearing of it as a child, but a child’s mind doesn’t remember such things.” He shrugged. “Decades, centuries, have passed, and I’ve only met those who hone their abilities like any other Fae. If I had to guess, I’d say you’d die. But I think your Malice will break her cage and do it to keep you alive.”
“Would Solas ask me to leave because of this? Scared I’d eat his people?” I asked.
“Solas can never find out, Perdi. Two of us will attract the wrath of all Fae and will risk all his people. He’d be stupid not to send us both out of his court. He couldn’t just send you, uncontrolled, into the rest of Elphame. I’d be sent with you,” he answered, and my stomach flipped. “For me to still exist is sheer will on my part and no longer because someone allowed me to live. Leading the Aos Si has made me difficult to come for, but that doesn’t stop the challenges. Every single day, Perdi, is a fight for my life.”
“I can’t lie to him.”
“I’m not telling you to lie. I’m telling you to keep it to yourself until we figure it out,” he replied. “Don’t force Solas to choose between protecting you and saving his people from war. You will never be able to live with the decision he’ll make.”
