Taking the Handoff, page 17
Thirty-One
“How do you feel about that?” Jane asks.
My fingers fidget with the fringe on the throw pillow at my new therapist’s office. Thankfully, Jane was able to fit me in right away. I’ve been seeing her twice a week for three weeks, and even though this is only my sixth session with her, we’ve covered a lot. She makes it really easy to be open with her.
That, or I just couldn’t keep everything inside me anymore.
Our first two sessions, I spewed out the whole story of my assault like it was being purged from my system. We also talked about how I’d been censoring myself when talking about my assault with Luke and Drew. I was trying to make them more comfortable, but the reality is it’s an uncomfortable topic. After that, we delved into what happened at the recording studio with Trent and what she refers to as my delayed trauma response over what happened with Jason. I’d never thought about it in those terms. I always assumed if I was going to have an extreme reaction, it would’ve happened immediately. Apparently, it’s not all that uncommon for someone to experience their trauma weeks—and sometimes even months—after it’s happened.
Today, we started by talking about my struggle to play guitar, something that I still can’t seem to do. But then I made mention of the stress with Luke and my brother, and that took our conversation in a completely different direction.
“Emma? How do you feel about the fact that Luke still hasn’t told Drew about you two?”
I pull my gaze from the window and back to her. “I hate it,” I say softly. “I’ve never lied to my brother. He’s always been my biggest supporter, even when my parents tried to pit us against each other with all that why can’t you be more like your brother bullshit. He never pushed me to be anything but who I was. He encouraged my love of music, even if he didn’t quite understand my passion. He snuck me out of the house so I could go to music lessons which he helped pay for by chipping in his allowance.
“Drew’s always had my back, and keeping this from him is killing me.” A tear slowly escapes my eye, but I hold the rest back, not wanting to completely lose it in Jane’s office—again. I know I’m a crier and an overly emotional person, but even I’m getting sick of the tears.
“Have you shared these feelings with Luke?”
I shake my head. “No. I know where he stands. He’s not ready to tell Drew, or at least he doesn’t know how to tell him.”
She tilts her head ever so slightly. “Why haven’t you told Drew?”
I look at her, confused. “I told you, Luke wants to be the one to tell him.”
“Do you think Drew would want to hear this from his best friend or from his sister, who he’s always looked out for?” she asks softly. I ponder her question for a moment, not sure how to answer. “Do you think it’s possible he might respond more positively if it comes from you?” she asks.
“Honestly, I haven’t even really considered that. Not after Luke shared everything that went down between them in college. It just seemed so important to him that he was the one to tell Drew.”
“But based on our conversations, that’s made you feel like a secret, or something he’s possibly ashamed of.”
“It has,” I say, my voice small, because telling her was the first time I’d said it out loud, and the truth of the words made me feel both free and trapped at the same time. Free because I was finally being honest but trapped because I didn’t see anything I could really do about it.
“But Luke will probably be mad at me if I go around him.”
“That’s possible, and perhaps even likely,” she says, cocking her head thoughtfully to the side. “But how do you think you’ll feel if you tell Drew?”
I don’t even have to think about it. “Better. I’d feel better. I can’t stand lying to my brother anymore. I’ve had a knot in my stomach for weeks every time he’s called me, and I can’t stand it.”
She gives me a sympathetic smile. “Then I think that’s your answer.”
“You think I should tell Drew.”
“I think honesty is important to you, and this is an aspect of your life you have control over. After everything you’ve been through in the past couple of months, I think you deserve to prioritize yourself and your needs.”
Telling Drew would take a lot of stress off my plate. Deceiving him is eating away at me, and a lie of omission is still a lie.
* * *
Nerves flit around my stomach as the phone rings and I wait for him to pick up. My palms are a sweaty mess, and my heart rate is through the roof, but I have to do this for my sanity.
“Hey, Squish. How’s life in sunny SoCal?”
“Warm.”
He laughs, and the warmth of his voice brings a soft smile to my face. “Anything’s warm after you’ve lived in Seattle.”
“Very true.”
Silence fills the line. I don’t know how to say this.
“So, what’s up?” Drew asks.
“I need to tell you something.”
“Okay,” he says, dragging out the word.
“But you have to promise not to get mad.”
Silence. Then he says, “Okay, you’ve got my attention now, Em. What’s going on?”
“Do you promise not to get mad?”
“I promise to try.”
I nibble my lip thinking that’s probably going to be the best I’ll get out of him. “Fine. Um…are you sitting down?”
“Just spit it out, Emma,” he says curtly, on edge.
“I’m dating Luke.”
Nothing. The silence drags on so long I check my phone to make sure he’s still on the line. He is.
“Drew?” I ask cautiously, my nerves now a riot in my gut. “Say something.”
“How…” His voice breaks and I know my brother well enough that I can practically see him trying to keep his cool. “How long?”
I close my eyes in defeat, knowing this is the part that will hurt him the most. “A little over a month.”
I hear a loud bang on the other end and jump. “Drew?”
“He’s my best friend, Emma! He had one goddamn job and that was to look out for you, not to fuck you.” He spits out the words like he’s disgusted and livid.
“It’s not like that. This isn’t a meaningless fling or just a hookup thing.” I take a breath, searching for my courage and trying to remind myself that this is my brother, and he’s always loved me and supported me.
“I love him.”
“That’s not news, Emma. You’ve always been in love with him, but do you honestly think he loves you?” His tone is scathing, but his voice catches on the last word, almost like the idea is unbearable.
My breath halts in my chest as insecurity infiltrates my body. Luke hasn’t said the words, and suddenly I’m second-guessing my decision to tell Drew. Tears instantly flood my eyes and cascade down my pale cheeks, and I don’t even bother to be embarrassed about how quickly he’s made me cry.
I try to find my voice. “We didn’t want to hurt you—”
“Well, you fucking did. And if you think you mean anything to him, you’re kidding yourself. If you meant something to him, he would’ve told me. He would’ve been honest with me, Emma. Luke’s never lied to me before—never—so if he lied about this then that in itself tells me how little you really mean to him.” He huffs out a humorless laugh. “And clearly how little I mean to him. Fuck! I can’t talk about this anymore.”
Silence fills the line, and this time when I pull the phone away, I can see that Drew hung up on me.
But his words linger, surrounding me until I hear them on an endless loop in my head. They magnify all my greatest insecurities, leaving me feeling like a greater mess than I was before. A small voice tries to break through and say that my brother was hurting and lashing out, but his words were too close to all the doubts I already heard in my head about why Luke hadn’t told Drew. No one knows Luke better than Drew, so he has to be right about this, right?
Oh my God. What the fuck have I done?
Thirty-Two
The locker room is full of grumbling after our loss against the Seahawks. A few complaints about the bad referees make the rounds, but the reality is we played like shit today. They won fair and square.
We didn’t deserve a victory after all our fuckups.
I pass Gabe Romero on the way to my cubby which is just a few down from his. Normally, I’d give him a pat on the back, but I’m fucking pissed over our loss. I can see he’s beating himself up over the loss too. He got injured last game and was out on injured reserve, so he’s taking the loss personally. To be fair, losing a member of the Fierce Four definitely didn’t help things, but Jack also couldn’t catch a break tonight, and the Seahawks defense shut us down in damn near every play.
Even if Gabe had been able to play, I doubt the outcome would be any different.
He turns to me. “Are you bringing Emma to the team party happening next weekend? It’s going to be at that new club that just opened. Apparently, it’s going to be the biggest event of the season.”
Yeah, and crawling with paparazzi because of all the other celebrities that got invited to that party. It’s not just a team party with only Wolves players and their partners. It’s an excuse to rub elbows with the rich and famous. So as much as I wish I could walk in there with Emma on my arm, I know it’s a disaster waiting to happen. The odds of our picture being taken and Drew seeing it are too high to risk.
“Probably not.”
He frowns. “Why the hell not?”
“Emma and I are keeping things quiet right now.” Fuck, I really don’t want to talk about this. I’m already in a piss-poor mood. I just want to change and go home where I can stew over our loss and my own fuckups in peace.
“But you brought her to Jack’s wedding.”
“Yeah, but there wasn’t a flock of vultures there hunting down a scandalous picture. Emma and I…” I grip the back of my neck. “Her brother is my best friend, and he wouldn’t be okay with us being together.”
He arches his eyebrow and looks at me curiously. “You mean to tell me you’ve been seeing that woman in hiding?”
“Yep, pretty much.”
He shakes his head, his disappointment obvious. “Listen, I know I barely know Emma, but even I can tell that’s not the kind of woman you keep hidden. That’s the kind of woman you show off with pride because you can’t believe you’re the lucky bastard who gets to stand beside her.” He shakes his head again. “For what it’s worth, I think you’re making a mistake, and I really hope for your sake you figure it out before you lose her for good. That’s not a woman who settles for a man who hides her like a dirty little secret.”
Nausea hits me like a punch to the gut, his words finding their mark and making me feel like the lowest scum.
He’s right.
Emma’s not that kind of woman. She deserves so much more, but I still haven’t figured out how to best tell Drew. I try to push aside the doubt that now feels like it’s permeating every pore in my body telling me my time to figure it out is almost up.
* * *
Drew’s name pops up on the display in my car right as I pull into my garage. Fuck, I am really not in the mood for this. It’s been a super shitty night, and I’m already in a bad mood, but seeing Drew’s name just reminds me of the secret that’s slowly suffocating me.
Gabe’s right. I need to tell Drew. I can’t keep hiding Emma. Maybe him calling me is fate’s way of giving me the chance to finally tell him the truth.
Fuck, he’s going to hate me, and I wish he wasn’t calling me when I’m already in a shit headspace, but I need to do this.
I hit accept. “Hey, man, I’m glad you called. I—” I don’t even get the chance to tell him I need to talk to him about something before his rage-filled voice cuts me off.
“You fucking asshole! I can’t believe you’d do this to me. Me of all people. After all the shit we’ve been through.”
My stomach drops. He knows. How the hell does he know?
“You piece of shit. I asked you to take care of her, not sleep with her. I told you no!”
Shit. “Drew—”
“No. You’re going to listen to me. Emma told me everything.” Wait, Emma told him? What the fuck? She knew this was important to me.
What the fuck did she say?
Anger starts to bubble beneath my surface—both at Emma for telling Drew without talking to me about it first or even giving me a fucking heads-up, and at Drew for not letting me explain my side of things.
“My sister is off-limits. I made that perfectly clear from the very beginning. I can’t believe you did this. I can’t believe you’re willing to throw away our friendship just so you can get your fucking rocks off. She’s my fucking sister, Luke! You could’ve had anyone else. I can’t believe you. I just…fuck you, man. Fuck you for shitting all over our friendship. It’s great to see what I really mean to you.”
He hangs up before I even have a chance to respond, and my anger flares even more. I stomp into the house, throwing my bag on the floor and making my way into the living room in search of Emma. I find her on the couch on the phone, her eyes red and swollen, her cheeks blotchy.
“Bernie, I gotta call you back.” She drops the phone and stands up. “Luke, I have to tell you something.”
I wave my cell phone in the air. “That you told your brother about us, even after I explained to you why I wanted to fucking do it.” There’s no way she missed the venom in my voice if her small flinch is any indication.
“I’ve just lost my best friend, Emma. Is that what you wanted? What the fuck were you thinking? You couldn’t even give me a heads-up before you messed everything up? What the fuck!” I grip my hands in my hair, my anger at this whole situation boiling over. I can’t even look at her right now. I don’t know why I even came in the house. I should’ve just left. Gone to the team gym to blow off some steam. Called Matt. Something. Anything but standing here with her when she just fucked us both.
“Why would you do it?” I ask, because I told her over and over how important it was to me that I be the one to tell him.
Her mouth opens to respond, but I cut her off, shaking my head. “You know what? It doesn’t matter. You just screwed us both. I hope you’re happy. FUCK! I can’t believe you did this. How stupid can you be, Emma?”
I know the instant the words leave my mouth that I’ve gone too far, but I can barely see past my anger at this point.
She closes her eyes briefly before opening them and staring me down. The spark that always lights up her green eyes is gone, and in its place is cold anger.
“Fuck. You.” She spits each word. “Lying to him was killing me, but you didn’t give a shit about that, did you? All you cared about was your friendship with him. Well, what about my relationship with him? Do you know I’ve never once lied to Drew? But I did for you. And you have the nerve to come in here and call me stupid and blame me because you didn’t have the balls to tell him. It’s been over a month, Luke! What the fuck were you waiting for?”
She laughs, but it’s hollow, and her eyes are sad, her voice no longer filled with fury but resignation. “Drew was right. I never meant anything to you.”
She looks away from me, shaking her head before she turns back to me. “You were never going to tell him about us, were you? It was never real. I was just convenient.” Her shoulders sag, and her heartbreak is clear as day on her face, along with acceptance. “You’re right, Luke. I was stupid.”
She walks out of the room, making sure to keep her distance so our bodies don’t touch when she walks past me. I’m frozen in place, her words trying to penetrate my haze of anger, but struggling.
Everything’s falling apart, and I don’t know how to deal with all these feelings. I can’t stay here. I need to release some of this rage so I don’t say or do anything else I’ll regret.
* * *
I thrust my arms up, the weight more than I’m used to, but the burn is the only thing that’s finally taking away some of the anger that’s consumed me. It’s not usually advised to work out after a game, but fuck it.
The more I push my body, the more the anger turns into the emotion that was driving it all along—heartbreak.
I just lost my best friend, the guy that’s always had my back, my brother, my lifeline. But worst of all, I think I just lost the woman I’m in love with too.
My words to her cycle through my mind on repeat, and I feel nothing but shame at how I spoke to her. No matter how angry I was with the situation, Emma didn’t deserve that.
I hear her words in my head, and now that I’m not seeing red, the memory of her face when she said them penetrates my soul, leaving me feeling more broken than I ever have before.
How did I fuck this up so badly?
I set the weight back on the rack and sit up, my elbows resting on my knees and my head in my hands. What am I going to do to fix this?
“You okay?”
My heart rate spikes as I look up to see Will. “Fuck, dude, you scared the shit out of me. I didn’t hear you come in.”
He frowns down at me. “Sorry. I thought you heard me when the door slammed shut. You okay? You look like shit.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“You still didn’t answer my question.”
“No, I’m not okay.” I drop my head into my hands again. “I fucked everything up.”
“With Emma?” he asks sympathetically.
I nod. “And with Drew.”
“What happened?”
Where do I even begin? I decide to tell him the whole sordid story so he understands the level of how badly I’ve messed this all up. He sits against the wall across from me while I talk. He doesn’t interrupt except to ask clarifying questions, but even then, he keeps them short and to the point. There’s no judgment. He just listens. When I’m done, he lets out a heavy sigh.
“Damn, that’s a mess,” he says.
