Five Hundred Miles From Friona, page 28
I throw my arms around my dad again and give him a kiss on the cheek. “I love you, Daddy.”
He’s wearing the biggest grin I’ve ever seen. “Love you too, honey.”
“Come on, Mom!” I holler over my shoulder as I take off to my room to get my purse and coat.
As soon as we get in the car, I send Rachel a quick text to let her know that I’ll call her as soon as I get home.
It turns out that shopping therapy cures everything except a broken heart. My mom and I bought several outfits for each of us, bathing suits, shoes, and sparkly dresses for the dress-up dinners on the cruise. We were two women on a mission, plowing through the stores. I just hope my dad doesn’t have a heart attack when he gets the bill.
On the way back to Friona, I call Rachel. “Did you buy one of everything?” she asks when she answers.
“Almost. I’ll be home in about fifteen minutes. You’re still coming over, aren’t you?”
“Yeah. I can’t wait to see you,” she says. “Jake wants to eat at Dairy Queen; do you want to go with us?”
“I guess.” My answer isn’t very enthusiastic. I don’t know if I can handle DQ because Brandon and I went there together so many times. Then again, I can’t put my life on hold just because something reminds me of Brandon. Crap, every freaking thing reminds me of Brandon, but I have to try to move on or I won’t survive.
“We can do something else if you don’t want to go to DQ,” Rachel says.
“No, that’s fine,” I tell her. “Do you want me to meet you there?”
“We’ll come pick you up around seven.”
“Okay, I’ll see you then.”
I disconnect, wondering if Brandon told Jake that we broke up. I haven’t told anyone except the guys, Cassie and my parents. I know Jake and Rachel are going to bring him up in conversation, and I’m going to have to figure out how to handle talking about him without falling apart.
When I answer the door a few minutes later, Rachel barrels her way in and wraps her arms around me. “We just found out, Leelee. I’m so sorry.”
Damn it. She sounds like she’s about to cry, and Jake is standing there with his hands shoved in his pockets and his head down. I’m about to choke on the emotion that’s caught in my throat.
Rachel finally lets go of me, and Jake gives me a weak hug but doesn’t say anything. He still hasn’t even looked at me. Talk about awkward moments. These are two of my best friends and none of us seem to know what to say. I finally gather up a little courage, swallow down my emotion, and say, “Y’all ready to eat?”
Jake mutters, “Yeah.”
Rachel pats my back and follows me out the door. I am so not looking forward to spending the evening with them if we can’t even talk.
I give myself a pep talk while Jake drives us to the DQ, and by the time he pulls in the parking lot, I’ve talked myself into telling them everything. I haven’t told anyone the whole story, but I think Jake and Rachel will understand. Hopefully they won’t take sides and hopefully they’ll be supportive of both Brandon and me. I don’t want to lose either of them just because Brandon and I broke up.
While we wait on our order, I tell them what happened without any Brandon-bashing. I still love him with all my heart; what’s left of it, that is. Rachel still looks like she’s about to cry and Jake just looks annoyed. He won’t make eye contact with me. He’s tearing a napkin into tiny pieces and putting them in a pile on the table.
“I’m sorry you’re going through this, Leelee.” Rachel says. “I wish you would’ve called me.”
“Rach, you and Jake are the only ones who know the whole thing. I haven’t been able to talk about it until today.”
Jake shoots me an icy glare. “He’s in a hospital bed and you walked out on him? That’s pretty cold, Leanne.”
“What the hell, Jake? He was screaming and yelling at her!” Rachel snaps. “What was she supposed to do?”
He gives Rachel the same icy glare. “Nothing.”
“You’re saying I should’ve stood there and taken it like a man, Jake?” I ask rudely. “Sorry, buddy, but you weren’t there, and you can’t even imagine how bad he was.”
“His head is messed up!” Jake spits at both of us. “He probably didn’t know what he was saying.”
Oh, this guy is pissing me off to the max. I slap my hand down on the table and lean toward Jake. “He knew exactly what he was saying, Jake. I told you what he said about being full of rage, and I also told you that it happened three times that day. They had to give him something to calm him down, for God’s sake!”
Jake hangs his head. “I’m sorry, Leanne. You’re right; I wasn’t there, but I still don’t think Brandon realized what he was doing. That’s not him, and he loves you too much to do that to you.”
All that emotion I swallowed down earlier is creeping back into my throat, and I’m afraid I’m going to lose it right here in the DQ. “I love him, too, Jake, but I had to leave; he wanted me to leave. He broke up with me, and I broke up with him; it just… happened.”
Rachel reaches across the table and pats my hand. “I think you and Brandon will get back together when he gets well.”
Proud of myself for not losing it after all, I attempt a smile. “I don’t think so, Rach. We both said we’re done.”
When we get our food, Jake attacks his burger. Rachel picks at her fries, and I’ve lost my appetite. I would love to think that Rachel is right about us getting back together when Brandon gets well, but who knows how long that will be? I think the best thing for me is to try to put my life back together and move on.
I pick up my Dr. Pepper and take a sip. “So, how’d you find out?”
“Jake talked to Mark a little while ago,” Rachel answers. “Mark said Dean told him.”
I wonder what else Mark told him. God, I don’t want Jake to know how close Dean and I are. He would definitely take it the wrong way. “Dean has turned out to be a good friend through all of this,” I say, attempting to avoid any questions.
Jake glances up at me and swallows. “Dean’s a good guy; so is Mark.”
I give him a nod, but it’s time to change the subject. “Guess what?”
“What?” Rachel says as she squeezes ketchup out onto the wrapper her sandwich was in.
“My dad is taking me and my mom on a Caribbean cruise for my birthday and Christmas!” Just saying it makes me excited again.
“Sweet!” Rachel exclaims.
Finally, Jake smiles. “That’s awesome,” he says, agreeing with Rach.
Suddenly, Rachel and I are smiling, too, and everything seems pretty normal. Nobody even brings up Brandon for the rest of the night, which is a huge relief. Not that I don’t miss him; I’d give anything for it to be the four of us again, but that probably won’t happen. It hurts so much to realize that there will come a time when they’ll be hanging out with Brandon without me.
I wonder if I’m always going to be sad.
Chapter Forty-six
Brandon
My mom just finished putting my clothes and groceries away and my dad is ready to get on the road. They have an eight-hour drive back to Friona today. Everyone is still gone for the Thanksgiving weekend, so the dorm is basically empty, but Rob is supposed to be back in a few hours. I need the peace and quiet, though. I plan to work on my term paper for the rest of the day.
“Bye, honey,” my mom says, giving me a hug. “Take care of yourself, and be sure to call that doctor if you start feeling bad.”
“I will, Mom.” In addition to the shrink that Dr. Neely set me up with, Dr. Weiss has referred me to a medical doctor here on campus in case I need anything, but I don’t plan to ever have to meet him.
Her eyes fill with tears. “Are you sure you’re going to be okay here by yourself?”
“I’ll be fine. I’m just going to work on getting well and concentrate on school.” And think about Leanne. It sucks that I’m going to have to figure out ways to stay away from her. She probably hates me anyway, so hopefully she’ll make the effort to stay away from me. I’ll just have to focus my energy on school and therapy. Once I’ve proven to myself that I won’t hurt her, maybe we can work things out between us.
My dad gives me a hug, too. “Let us know how things are going. I’ll take care of your truck for you.” He rubs my buzzed head. My hair hasn’t been this short since I was about five, and I can’t wait until it grows out. I’ll be wearing a cap for the next six months.
“Thanks, Dad.”
I get one more hug from my mom when I walk them out to the elevator. Then I go back to my room and turn on some music. As soon as I sit down at my desk, I see my birthday card from Leanne. Two weeks from now we were supposed be going to Arlington for the Cowboys game. I don’t want to think about missing that with her, so I shove the envelope in my desk, slam the drawer, and open my laptop. I don’t even look up until Rob walks in, but by then I’ve almost finished my paper.
“Hey, man,” Rob says, dropping his backpack and suitcase on the floor next to his bed. “Glad you’re back.”
“Glad to be back. How was your weekend?”
“Good; got to spend a lot of time with Annalisa.” His eyes are focused on my head. “You doing all right?”
I’ve been better. “Pretty good.”
“Have you talked to Leanne yet?”
I shake my head. “Nope.” I told him we broke up when I called to make sure he was okay with helping me out, and for some reason I told him everything. He’s the only one besides my parents who knows what happened. I haven’t even told Jake.
He starts putting his clothes away. “The dining halls are still closed; want to order a pizza?”
“Yeah, pizza sounds good.” I pick up my phone. “I’ll call it in.”
“How ‘bout a large with everything except bell peppers?” he says. “I can’t stand bell peppers.”
“I can’t, either.” Rob and I might have more in common than I thought. He still has a girlfriend, though. God, I’m such a damn baby. I did it; I told Leanne I didn’t want her there. It’s my fault we’re not together, but I feel like I’m living in the depths of hell without an angel to push me out this time. I’m about as lost as I would be if I were floating somewhere in the ocean with no land in sight and no hope of survival. When Blake died, I wondered if living on earth is actually purgatory and going to heaven really is the great reward for surviving a mortal life. Lately, I’ve been wondering the same thing all over again.
“Okay,” Rob says. “Are you calling in the order?”
“Yeah.” I shake the deep thoughts out of my head and select the number on my phone.
On the following Friday I see Leanne in the dining hall with Cassie and some other girls from their floor. They’re sitting at a big table on the other side of the hall, so she doesn’t see me. My eyes are glued on her, watching her every move. I’m acting like a total d-bag stalker ex. I almost wish I could find something about her that would make me not want to be with her, but there’s not a damn thing. There’s nothing I don’t love about her. She’s as beautiful as ever, although, it looks like she’s lost weight, and there are dark circles under her eyes. I did that to her. I freakin’ hate myself.
Rob finally sits down across from me and starts in on his food. “You should talk to her,” he says.
“Who?”
He rolls his eyes. “Leanne.”
“I can’t, Rob; she hates me.”
“Has she told you that?” he asks, looking over at her. “Look at her; hell, she looks as miserable as you.” He picks the tomatoes off of his salad, tossing them on his tray. “Man up, Kirk.”
Glancing at her, I sigh. “I’ll just hurt her. I don’t want to risk doing that to her again.”
“Does she know you’re back at school?”
I shrug and lean back in my chair. “She might, but I don’t even know what I’d say to her or how to apologize.”
“You could send her a text saying you wanted to let her know you’re back.” he says. “Or, even better, you could get her some flowers. Annalisa loves that kind of crap.”
I knew this was going to happen, that I was going to see Leanne. I just didn’t know how bad it would make me feel. I don’t know what to do, if I do anything at all, but I know I need to leave, and fast. I pick up my tray and look at Rob. “Sorry, man. I’ve got to get outta here.”
He barely looks up. “Later.”
That was a shitty thing to do to Rob when he was trying to help, but it’s too hard to be in the same room with Leanne. I’m pretty sure I’m the king of all the assholes in the universe.
I go back to the dorm room intending to study, but instead, I pick up my phone and call Jake. He answers on the first ring. “Brandon, what’s goin’ on, man?”
“Leanne and I broke up.” Okay, it wasn’t the best way to start a conversation, but then again, I am an asshole.
Jake doesn’t respond right away, but I can hear him breathing, so I know he’s still there. A few seconds later, he says, “I know, but she still loves you.”
“She hates me, Jake. It was bad,” I tell him, emphasizing the last word.
“Rachel and I saw her in Friona; she told us she still loves you.”
“I haven’t seen her. How was she?”
I can almost see Jake’s shoulders rising in a shrug. He doesn’t pay much attention to that kind of stuff, unless it’s Rachel. “She was pissed at me.”
“Why was she pissed at you?”
“I told her she was cold for walking out on you while you were in the hospital,” he replies, sounding guilty.
Well, then he’s the next biggest asshole. “It wasn’t her fault. I was the one who told her to get out.”
“You didn’t know… I mean, I don’t think you meant to do it,” he says. He sounds weird, like he’s tired or depressed.
“I wouldn’t ever do that to her on purpose, Jake. They think I have something called intermittent explosive disorder. I’m normal for a while and then I get mad as hell, like raging mad, then I bottom out hard. I can’t control it, and I don’t ever know when it’s going to happen. Luckily, it hasn’t happened since I started taking medicine for it.”
“I’m sorry, man,” he groans, but he’s so quiet I can barely hear him.
I lie back on my bed and stare at a stain on the ceiling that looks like a sheep’s head. “Did you know I’m back at school?”
“You are?” he says with more excitement in his voice. Now he sounds like regular Jake.
“I’ve been back since last Sunday.” Seems like a million years.
“And you haven’t seen Leanne? I thought y’all lived in the same dorm?”
“We do, but I’m trying to stay away from her.”
“That’s kind of dickless, Kirk. If you love her and she still loves you—”
“I don’t want to take a chance on hurting her again,” I interrupt. “I need to get my shit together first.”
“Yeah, and who’s the person that would want help you get your shit back together? Damn, Brandon, she skipped a week of school to stay with you in the hospital.” Now he sounds disappointed. He just made me realize that I haven’t even thanked Leanne for being there for me. “You should talk to her.”
“I’ll think about it.” Then I change the subject because I’m ready to end the call. “How’s Rachel?”
“She’s good,” he says. “Here, talk to her.”
“Hey, Brandon. I was listening; hope you don’t mind.”
“No problem, Rach.”
“Get off your ass and go talk to her,” she says bluntly.
“I don’t know what I’m gonna do yet, but I have to go. I’ll talk to y’all soon.”
“Bye, Brandon.” Rachel sighs, sounding disappointed, too.
Ending the call, I toss my phone on my desk and close my eyes. I fall asleep thinking about Leanne and all the other people I’ve disappointed lately, including myself.
Rob comes in later, noisy as always, and wakes me up. “The flower shop closes in two hours,” he says.
“I’m not sure…” I let my voice trail off.
He crosses his arms and gives me an impatient look. “Well, I’m sure, so get up. I’ll take you, but we have to go now; I’ve gotta study.”
I drag my butt off the bed, put on my cap, grab my phone and follow him outside to his car. He drives a BMW convertible. I’ve never ridden in it before, but it’s a damn nice car. Rob’s a pretty cool guy. I’ve realized during the last week that he’s not the nerd I thought he was.
When we get to the florist, I feel so dumb. I’ve never done this before, so I don’t know what to buy or what to do. Rob tells the lady who’s waiting on us that we want two dozen pink roses, but we want to see them first. I’m watching everything he does in case I ever have to do this again. The lady opens a refrigerator case which is filled with buckets of flowers, mostly roses. The roses I like the best are white with pink on the edges, and I tell her those are the ones I want. “We need to smell them before we buy them,” Rob insists.
I lean forward and take a whiff. They smell good to me. Then Rob smells them and gives the lady a nod of approval. My phone alerts me to a text, but I have more important things to do right now, so I ignore it.
“Are you taking them with you or do you want them delivered tomorrow by noon?” the lady asks.
Before I can answer, Rob says, “We’ll take them with us.”
The lady smiles at Rob. “Okay, I’ll arrange them for you. It’ll just take me a few minutes.” She disappears into a back room.
I give Rob a “go to hell” look because that’s what I want to say to him. “Are you taking them to Leanne?”
