Sidelines, page 5
She gulps more wine and feels it spread through her body. ‘Audrey can’t wait till March to find out if she’s in,’ she says. ‘It’s too far away and too demoralising. She deserves to be in. She just doesn’t need this right now.’
‘What don’t I need?’ Audrey sashays into the kitchen in the new maroon dress Ben bought for her on a recent work trip to Hawaii. She’s as elegant as a deer, curly blonde hair dangling onto her shoulders.
Jonica’s heart aches. ‘Nothing, darling. You look beautiful.’
Audrey sees Ben holding his phone and her mouth tightens. ‘It’s the list, isn’t it? I bet I’m not on it.’
‘You’re a train-on player,’ Ben says.
Jonica glares at him. Couldn’t he have waited until after Christmas?
Audrey clutches her hands together tight. ‘Did Alex get in?’
‘Yes, but that’s no surprise. He’s been in the team for three years.’
‘Who else got in?’ Audrey’s voice is high. ‘What about Katerina?’
Jonica leaves it to Ben to break the news, given that he’s the one who opened his mouth. But he remains silent.
‘She’s in, isn’t she?’ Audrey wails, face contorting. ‘And I’m not. How could this happen? You both said I was better than her!’
‘You are, sweetie.’
Audrey’s eyes go watery. ‘What am I going to do? I’m useless.’
‘Bullshit!’ Ben says briskly.
‘You’re not useless, darling,’ Jonica soothes. ‘You’ll have plenty of time to show the coaches what you can do. Training will be better than trials.’
‘No, it won’t. Nobody will pass to me. They never do.’
‘Maybe you should call louder for the ball,’ Ben says, unhelpful as always.
‘What if I don’t get in?’
‘We’ll find another team,’ says Jonica.
‘But I don’t want another team. I want this team.’
‘Of course you do.’
‘Stick with it then,’ Ben says.
‘But Dad, what if I stay with this team and I train and train and still don’t get in? Or if I’m always watching and I never get to play?’
‘Is it too late for one of the girls’ academies?’ Jonica asks, putting it out there.
‘They would have had their trials ages ago,’ Ben says, dismissive.
‘Well, if the boys’ team doesn’t work out, maybe you could go back to the girls’ team from last year,’ Jonica suggests.
‘But everyone knows I was trying for the boys’ team,’ Audrey says. ‘And if I don’t get in, they’ll talk shit about me.’
‘We can’t have that, can we?’ Ben says, drily.
‘You don’t understand, Dad. You don’t care what people say, but I do! And I can’t go back, anyway. Don’t you remember what the coach said when I told her I wanted to try out for the boys’ team? She told me I might as well piss off straight away because there was no point me even being there. She wouldn’t even let me finish training.’
‘What about playing for school?’ Jonica says. ‘They’d love to have you. The PE teacher would be rapt. He’s always raving about how good you are. You’d be a star.’
‘No way! Those girls are useless. They’re scared of the ball and they don’t even know how to kick properly. It’d be awful.’
‘But they do seem to have fun,’ Jonica says. Several times, collecting Audrey after school, she’s seen those girls on the field, arms linked, faces full of smiles, and she’s felt a prickle of doubt, wondered if Audrey might be missing out on important friendships.
‘I’m not doing that,’ Audrey says with a sour expression as if she’s been offered a smelly oyster. ‘So that means I’m staying with the boys,’ she adds, overly bright. ‘And I’ll just have to work hard and get really good so they let me play.’ She finishes with a smile, but Jonica senses her desperation. Poor thing, trying so hard to hold it together.
‘Excellent,’ Ben says. ‘That sounds like a decision. We can practise down at the oval tomorrow, if you like.’
‘Tomorrow’s Christmas and we’re going to the beach,’ Jonica reminds them. Surely, not every day has to be devoted to soccer.
Working on ball skills with the kids is one of Ben’s main ways of connecting with them. It was their favourite thing when they were little. He made it such fun: chasing them around, faking falls, diving and rolling on the grass. The twins had adored him and Jonica had loved going to watch. Occasionally she joined in, making a mess of it while they all laughed. She didn’t mind, though; it made her happy just being part of it. For Ben, however, there was an underlying current of seriousness and he constantly pushed the twins to improve.
Why do they have to be good at it? Jonica had asked.
Because it’s social currency, he’d said. Being good at sport buys friends and popularity.
Things have changed, though, since the twins have become teenagers. They don’t go down to the oval with him very often anymore. And he’s found it particularly difficult dealing with Audrey’s moodiness.
Now Alex walks in, tucking his shirt into his jeans. Audrey’s face crumples when she sees him. She pushes past him and rushes to her room, slamming the door behind her.
‘What’s up?’ he asks.
‘You’re in the team and she’s not,’ Ben says.
Alex’s face lights up, then his eyes dart to Jonica; she can see him compressing all that excitement, wiping it from his eyes. ‘Do you think it’s because she’s a girl? I mean, it is a boys’ team. It’s not meant for girls.’
‘Katerina got in,’ Jonica says.
‘Oh.’ His face clouds, a shadow of guilt in his eyes. ‘But Audrey’s better than her. And she’s better than half of the boys too. Should I go talk to her?’
‘No,’ Jonica says. ‘Your father will go.’
‘Don’t know what you expect me to do,’ Ben grumbles.
‘Humour her. Make her feel better about herself.’
‘Won’t that just encourage more of these royal command performances?’
‘She’s hurt, Ben.’
‘All right, all right, I’ll go.’
As Alex disappears again and Ben heads down the hall to Audrey’s room, the doorbell chimes.
Excellent timing, Jonica thinks. She tops up her wine and rubs at her forehead: the beginning of a headache. Everyone always leaves the dirty work to her. Except Honey, of course, who gallops from the lounge room and launches at the door, barking.
Jonica arranges a smile on her face and opens the front door.
Darren and his family roll in, smiling and shouting: Claire in a low-cut, green dress with her boobs bulging over the neckline, Freya dolled up as a Disney princess in pink tulle with a crooked smear of pink lipstick, Darren in knee-length shorts and a Hawaiian shirt, and Tommy, all smiles, in a brand-new Argentina jersey with Messi and number 10 on the back. Alex will be jealous.
‘Hello, Honey,’ Darren says, bending to pat the dog. Then to Jonica, ‘Where is everybody?’
‘Right here.’ Ben emerges with Audrey who is sporting a lopsided smile. My brave girl, Jonica thinks.
Alex materialises too, hands in pockets. Claire tries to hug him and he slips awkwardly from her embrace and slouches over to Tommy. ‘Guess what!’ he announces loudly. ‘I got into my team.’
Jonica could hit him. She flashes a look at Audrey, sees her shoulders slump.
‘I’m in my team too,’ Tommy says, giving Alex a high-five.
‘How about you, Audrey?’ Darren asks.
There’s a loaded silence in which Audrey stares at the floor. Jonica feels for her. Luckily, Honey yips as if to ease the tension.
‘She’s a train-on player,’ Alex says, with a panicked glance at Jonica. ‘I reckon she’ll get in.’
Audrey flings him a dagger-stare.
‘That’s bad luck, Audrey,’ Darren says. ‘You must be disappointed.’ His eyes dart to Ben, and Audrey’s mouth quivers as if she might cry again.
Jonica could kill Ben. He could have held off until tomorrow to tell Audrey, but now it’s going to feature this evening as part of the whole ridiculous competitive brother thing. ‘How about drinks on the deck?’ she suggests, exchanging knowing glances with Claire.
‘Great idea,’ Claire says. ‘I’m thirsty.’
They all go outside and Ben pours champagne while the girls and Honey head to Audrey’s room and the boys adjourn to the lawn to kick a ball. Jonica brings out the antipasto platter and offers it around.
‘Audrey shouldn’t be ashamed about not getting in,’ Darren says, fingers wrapped delicately around the stem of his champagne flute. ‘I mean, this is the age that girls get left behind.’
‘Not Audrey,’ Ben says. ‘She’s good. And she’s got the height for it. Lots of boys haven’t even started growing yet. You must be hoping Tommy will shoot up soon.’
Jonica sighs as Darren’s face sours. ‘Kids are all over the place at this age.’
‘Yes, but he’s head and shoulders behind Alex. Maybe you should take him to a doctor. He might need hormones.’
‘That’s fine by me,’ Darren says. ‘If they were good enough for Messi, then they’re good enough for Tommy.’
‘There’s nothing wrong with Tommy,’ Claire frowns. ‘My brother shot up late.’
‘Ah yes, but Darren and I grew early.’ Ben flashes a snaky smile. ‘And Tommy does have Darren’s Y-chromosome … God help him!’
‘Maybe we should talk about something else,’ Jonica says, exasperated.
‘Yes, let’s,’ Claire says. ‘The price of tea in China, perhaps? Or politics?’
‘Family politics, you mean?’ Ben says. ‘And the challenges of birth order?’ He casts a look at Darren with that same snaky smile.
‘Cut the crap,’ Darren snaps.
Jonica’s relieved when Audrey and Freya appear through the bifold doors, holding hands, because now the men have to shut up. Audrey’s eyes are still puffy, but she’s chatting away to Freya, Honey trotting beside them.
‘What are you two up to?’ Darren asks.
‘We’re going to play football with the boys,’ Freya says.
‘Is that a good idea?’ Jonica asks.
Freya peers up at Audrey with bright eyes. ‘I want to be a soccer star like Audrey.’
‘Shhh,’ Audrey whispers, glancing at the adults. ‘I’m not a star.’
Alex and Tommy pause and frown when Freya and Audrey join them on the lawn. This will be interesting, Jonica thinks.
‘We want to play too,’ Freya says.
‘Do you have to?’ Tommy groans.
‘Come on, Tommy,’ Darren calls. ‘Make room for the girls.’
Tommy scowls, and when Freya runs to the ball he dribbles around her and passes to Alex, shouting, ‘Keep it away from Freya.’
‘That’s not fair!’ Freya yells, arms stiff by her sides.
‘I’ll pass to you, Freya,’ Audrey says. ‘Here, Alex, give me the ball.’
‘Can’t you get another ball and play somewhere else?’ Alex says. ‘I’m playing with Tommy.’
‘No, we want to play with you guys.’
Alex glowers at her then belts the ball at her hard. It hits her in the chest. She gasps, stares at him for an outraged moment, then goes at him like a feral cat, slapping and scratching. He grabs her wrists, but she breaks free and slaps his face. He whacks her back. Honey cringes away from them and scoots inside, tail tucked under her belly.
‘Ben!’ Jonica yells. ‘Stop them!’ She can’t believe this is happening.
Ben strides over, wraps an arm around Audrey’s waist and hauls her, red-faced and sobbing, away. When he releases her, she charges off to her room.
Jonica stands up, wired tight.
‘Where are you off to?’ Ben asks. ‘You’re not going to pander to her, are you? That was appalling behaviour.’
‘No. I’m going to check the roast. Alex was out of line too—you should have a word to him.’ Then to Claire and Darren. ‘Trust kids to save their best for Christmas.’
She heads inside and Ben calls after her, ‘Can you grab another bottle of champers while you’re there? We’re nearly out.’
Sure, why not, Jonica thinks. Let’s drink ourselves into oblivion.
In the kitchen, she leans against the bench and takes a few ragged breaths. Are everyone’s Christmases like this, she wonders? She wishes she was down at the oval, running a lap. Forgetting everything.
She thinks of Miles. Wonders whether he’s with his kids or on his own. The festive season might be fraught for her, but it’s probably even worse for a single parent.
Honey trots by, toenails clicking on the floorboards. Jonica picks her up and tiptoes down the hall to Audrey’s room, taps on the door and peeks in.
Audrey is hunched on the bed, face damp with tears. Jonica carries Honey in and sets her on Audrey’s lap. The dog does her work straight away, trying to lick Audrey’s tears while Audrey snuggles her face into Honey’s soft fur.
‘Are you okay, sweetheart?’ Jonica asks.
‘I hate him!’ Audrey weeps. ‘Why did he get in and not me?’
Jonica sits on the bed beside her. ‘Because those stupid coaches are blind.’ She smooths Audrey’s hair while Audrey strokes the dog’s ears. ‘We should talk about this later, don’t you think? After the others have gone home. Maybe you could have a swim with Freya now, instead of playing with the boys. It’s hot out there, and Freya would love it.’
Audrey nods and hugs Honey to her chest. ‘Okay. I’ll be out in a few minutes.’
Jonica kisses her on the head. ‘Good on you, darling.’
Back in the kitchen, she slips on her Christmas mitts, opens the oven door and drags out the trays, gouges the spatula under the crusty roasting vegetables. Some of the sweet potato falls apart, and she almost bursts into tears. Damn! Why is Christmas so difficult? She wanted everything to be perfect tonight. Better than when she was a kid. But no matter how hard she tries, she can’t make it work.
She shoves the trays back in the oven and collects another bottle of champagne from the fridge. Outside, she tears off the silver foil, twists open the wire restrainer and pops the cork.
Bubbly spurts all over the antipasto platter.
Ben curses, and the muscles behind Jonica’s eyes tighten. But her sister-in-law’s jolly laughter saves her.
Claire takes the bottle and fills everyone’s glasses. ‘To Christmas,’ she says. ‘And to family, and all our glorious imperfections.’
Ben and Darren behave themselves for a while, and Jonica begins to relax. But when the dinner-table chat swings to football, and the men start rabbiting on about the Women’s World Cup and how this is the golden age for women’s football and how there are lots of scholarships and improved facilities for girls and women, the doubts she’s been harbouring all evening swirl to the surface and she can’t hold back any longer.
‘If there are so many good opportunities for girls, do you really think this boys’ team is a good choice for Audrey?’ She places the question generally but, in truth, she’s aiming it at Ben. ‘I mean, there are so many great girls’ academies. Does she really have to play with boys? Surely it’s not too late for a girls’ academy.’
‘My sentiments exactly,’ Darren says.
Jonica knows she shouldn’t fuel this brotherly competition, but perhaps she can use it to her advantage.
Ben flings her a dirty look. ‘We’ve been through this before, Jonica. It’s the best way for her to improve.’
‘Well, I think sport’s too serious these days,’ Claire weighs in. ‘It wasn’t like that when we were kids. There used to be an off-season. Now it’s football all the time. I don’t think it’s healthy.’
Jonica agrees. She’d like the twins to have other interests, but with football three nights a week and on Saturday, from March to September, there’s no time. They’re too tired for anything else.
‘You can’t stop kids from doing what they love,’ Darren says.
‘But all year round?’ Claire says. ‘No wonder they get so many injuries. Physio appointments every week. It’s expensive.’
‘It’s only once or twice a year, Claire,’ Darren says.
‘No, Dad,’ says Tommy. ‘We went five times this year.’
Ah, the wonderful way children have of telling the truth when you’re trying to conceal it. Jonica hides her smile behind her napkin.
‘Guess I’ll have to keep working to pay the bills,’ Darren says. ‘No rest for the wicked.’
‘You’re not wicked, Daddy,’ Freya declares, bouncing on her chair.
Darren shoots a glance at Claire. ‘Depends who you ask.’
‘I vote for wicked,’ Ben says.
Jonica aims a kick at him under the table and accidentally gets the dog who gives a yelp.
‘Football’s over-the-top these days,’ Claire says. ‘Everyone’s got false hopes. I mean, no one we know is going to play for Australia.’
‘Audrey might,’ Ben says. And Audrey smiles—a real smile that sparks in her eyes.
‘Is that what you want, Audrey?’ Claire asks. ‘All that pressure and commitment?’
Jonica is glad Claire has taken the running on this, because it’s something she’s been wondering for a while—whether it’s really worth it, especially with all the trials, and Audrey missing out on selection tonight. She and Claire often talk about things like this during their weekly catch-up: the pressure of the modern world and the unrealistic expectations of parents, namely Ben and Darren.
Audrey’s cheeks flush. She glances at Jonica then turns, clear-eyed, to her aunt. ‘I really love playing and I want to be good at it. I want to play for the Matildas.’
‘How about you, Alex?’ Claire asks.
‘I don’t want to play for the Matildas! I’m not a girl!’ Alex scoffs, scanning for a reaction and beaming when Darren and Tommy chuckle. ‘I’d like to play for the Socceroos, though. Qatar was so cool. Messi’s World Cup. Russia before that. Brazil.’ He knows all the dates and results from World Cups extending back for decades.
‘They need to make football more fun,’ Claire says.
Jonica agrees. She’s supportive of the twins and their interests, she really is. But what about all the positives that team sport is supposed to be? Isn’t that why Ben wanted the kids to do it? Camaraderie. Belonging. Self-esteem and confidence. Making new friends and long-term memories. Learning respect, discipline, patience. Sometimes Jonica feels hard-pressed to see any of this. It certainly hasn’t been much fun for Audrey lately.
