Sidelines, page 20
Oh, the electricity that flowed through her when she felt his skin close to hers—and the way he wanted her. It made her achy and wet down below. He made her feel like a woman instead of a girl. Showed her what her body was made for. She liked the wild way he made her feel, and that she could make him feel that way too. It made her powerful. The way that just looking at her could make his dick stand up. When he came all over her belly, it was disgusting, but she let him do it anyway because he seemed to like it and, afterwards, when he fingered her, it was like fire under her skin, so hot she couldn’t believe it.
Every morning, she told herself it had to stop because it was too risky. But she liked everything about him. The smell of his sweat. His muscly arms and chest. The way he plunged into the surf and shook the water from his hair.
The first time they went all the way was here on the side of the hill. He spread out a blanket, gave her a condom, and showed her how to put it on. She didn’t like the smell of the sticky rubber or the way she had to roll it down over his dick. She was nervous, her tummy turning backflips. None of her friends had gone all the way yet. She was the first. He had to push hard to get his dick in, and it hurt. She felt sad when he was rocking and groaning on top of her, because it felt like something was being taken away. And he seemed to be having fun even though she wasn’t. But he was nice to her when he finished, and when he saw her tears, he kept saying sorry, and how beautiful she was, and how it would get better once she learned how to do it. And he was right. After a few times, she got used to it. When she relaxed it was easier for him to slide his dick in.
After they’d been having sex for a few weeks, he started begging her to do it without condoms. She didn’t want to get pregnant, so she said no. It was lucky that, around that time, her mama said she should go on the pill to help her have more energy for football. That meant she could have unprotected sex too. At school they say you shouldn’t, because of STDs. But Ricci said it was fine because she was a virgin before, and he was sure he didn’t have any diseases.
Today, they sprawl on the rug, out of the wind, and talk. She likes the way he holds her hand and watches her face while she speaks. He really listens to her. Not like at home where everyone yells at once, trying to get a word in. His hands are rough from the carpentry work he does with his father. She thinks of his thick stubby thumbs tapping out messages to her while she’s at school. The same thumbs that he rolls over her nipples and clitoris to make her go wild. His texts pop up on her screen during the day. Thinking of u. I want to fuck u. Can’t wait to c u naked again. She likes getting his messages. Especially when she’s in maths. Who wants to do all that rubbish with numbers, anyway? She’s never going to use any of that stuff.
‘I like your haircut,’ she says. He’s got a crop top—shaved at the sides with the top cut flat and gelled up. He rubs a hand over his head and goes all shy as he looks at her. It makes her want to kiss him. When he raises his eyebrows, he looks hot. Not like the boys at school who you can’t even talk to. Or the boys at football, who are all dumb, except Viktor who keeps asking her to go out with him. She says no, of course. What would he think if she told him she was going out with a nineteen-year-old?
Thinking about this makes her giggly. She likes having a secret. Something nobody knows, not even her mama. People would say Ricci’s too old. But he says nice things to her and makes her feel good about herself.
‘Can you get your gear off?’ he begs. His big brown eyes melt into hers and her stomach goes soft because she knows what’s coming. She lets him take off her hoodie and jersey. Underneath, she’s wearing the white sports bra she bought with her mother. It makes her boobs look big, and Ricci’s eyes fall on them now. He sighs and his eyes go velvety. ‘You have such good tits. Can you take your bra off so I can see them?’
She likes stripping for Ricci. The first time, she felt awkward, but now she makes a show of it like the women in the porn videos he shows her. All the boys at school watch stuff like that. And some of the girls too. So why shouldn’t she?
She stands and swings her hips side to side and works her bra up over her head, setting her boobs free.
‘Now your trackpants,’ he says in a deep voice, leaning back to watch.
She pulls off her runners and gives him a sexy glance before sliding out of her trackpants. She stands on the blanket in front of him.
‘Knickers,’ he murmurs.
She slips them down.
‘Fuck, you have a good body,’ he says. ‘Come and lie down with me.’
She stretches out beside him, her boobs tipping sideways. He’s still in his clothes, but the look in his eyes makes her feel hot. He stands up to take off his trousers and boxers, his hard cock waving at her while he tugs off his hoodie. He has a six-pack and good arms from working out at the gym. If she could show a photo of him to her friends at school, they’d be jealous. But it’s too dangerous. Everyone knows each other around here.
Her mother doesn’t want her talking to boys. But being told not to do something makes Katerina want to do it more. Ricci is the most important thing in her life and she won’t give him up. She loves the way he wants to discover her body, like he’s learning to read a map in Outdoor Ed, and he’s the only one who knows how to use a compass.
As he lies close beside her, she feels all soft down below. He kisses her and licks her boobs and she gives in and goes with the hot tide of feeling.
At home, she takes a shower to wash off Ricci’s smell then goes into the kitchen.
Her mother looks up from stacking the dishwasher. ‘How’s your knee?’
‘Better.’ Everything is always better after Ricci.
‘You’ll be okay for training tomorrow?’
‘I think so.’
‘Good. Dominik will be thinking about the starting line-up for next week.’
Katerina sighs. Always football. She glances at the clock; still a while before dinner. ‘Can I have something to eat? I’m hungry.’
Her mother frowns. ‘Not until you fold the washing. Why didn’t you do it?’
‘I forgot. Just chill. I’ll do it now.’
She carries the basket to her parents’ room, tips the washing onto the bed and starts folding. It’s mostly fluoro work vests and KingGees. Her brothers work with her father and they all wear the same kind of clothes so she can’t tell whose is whose. Zorro leaps onto the bed, purring, and tries to rub against her. She pushes him away. ‘Go talk to Mama. She’ll feed you.’
While she’s going through jocks and socks and folding Mama’s massive underpants, her mother’s phone rings on the bedside table where it’s charging. ‘Hey, Mama,’ she yells. ‘Do you want me to answer it? It’s Dominik.’
‘Yes, please.’
She puts on her polite phone voice. ‘Hi, Dominik. It’s Katerina. How are you …? Do you want me to get Carmen for you?’
Usually he chats and asks how she is, but today he just says yes thanks in a flat voice, nothing more. Katerina plods down the hallway and hands the phone to her mother, who nods at her and says, ‘Hi, Dom. What’s up?’
Katerina can hear Dominik’s deep voice but can’t hear what he’s saying. She’s about to return to the washing when her mother goes very still and glances at her with guarded eyes then walks out the front door and into the street, head down, still talking to Dominik. Katerina’s throat tightens. Why has Mama gone out there where she can’t listen to her?
Instead of finishing the washing, she stays in the kitchen and slots dishes in the dishwasher, sets the table. Normally she doesn’t do jobs unless she’s told to, but she wants to find out what Dominik is talking about.
When Mama comes back in, her face is hard, and she washes her hands carefully even though they’re not dirty, then dries them on a tea towel tucked into her apron, twisting each finger slowly to remove all the moisture. Katerina waits for her to say something, but Mama avoids looking at her and jerks open the oven. The smell of pastry, garlic and cheese wafts out. Usually this fills Katerina with warmth and happiness. Not today. ‘What did Dominik want?’ she asks.
Her mother swings and glares at her. ‘What do you think he wanted?’
Katerina pauses. Mama is never like this with her favourite child. ‘I don’t know.’
Her mother folds her arms across her breasts. ‘This afternoon he had a meeting with Audrey’s parents, and they said you’ve been taking Audrey’s things. Is that true?’
Heat rushes through her. ‘It wasn’t me. I didn’t do anything. It must’ve been someone else.’
Her mother’s mouth squeezes flat. ‘Audrey’s parents said it was you. And Dominik seems to believe them.’
‘Well, they’re lying. I’m your daughter. You have to believe me.’ She tackles the accusation the same way she attacks the ball on the field—head-on.
Her mama cocks an eyebrow. ‘Why would you do something like this? I don’t understand.’
‘I didn’t, Mama.’
‘Then why is everyone saying you did?’
‘Because they’re jealous of me. And who’s everyone, anyway? Who’s saying it?’
Her mother’s lips twist. ‘Alex saw you take Audrey’s water bottle out of her bag at training the other day.’
Katerina’s mouth goes dry. But you have to keep fighting when you’re cornered on the field. ‘He would say that, wouldn’t he? He’s Audrey’s brother. He’s making it up to get at me for being better than her.’
‘Come on, Katerina. Others saw it too. Dominik questioned everyone after Audrey’s parents reported it.’
‘They’re lying.’
‘So they’re all lying except you?’ There is disappointment in her mother’s eyes.
‘Yes. They’re making it up. I didn’t do it.’ She looks hard at her mama in an attempt to persuade her. Deny wrongdoing to the end. Pretend to be innocent. That’s what she does in a game when the ref pulls her up for a foul, and sometimes she gets away with it.
‘Even Viktor?’
Katerina feels the ground tilting beneath her. She can’t believe Viktor would betray her. He laughed when she hid Audrey’s shin guards under Dominik’s bag, and agreed not to mention the boot as long as she put it back.
‘This is not the time for lying, Katerina,’ her mother says quietly. ‘If it’s true, we need to work out what to do. I want you to be honest.’
Words clog in her throat and she can’t speak.
‘Right.’ Her mother says, a bitter edge in her voice. ‘That says it all.’
‘All I did was take her water bottle.’ She didn’t expect to get caught. She’d promised herself the water bottle was the last time.
‘And her shin guards. And her football boot,’ Mama says. ‘Viktor told Dominik everything. All the shit you’ve been saying. All the stupid things you’ve been doing. All inappropriate.’
‘It was a joke, Mama.’
‘A joke?’ Her mother’s voice rises till it cracks. ‘A joke that’s always on the same person? Audrey’s parents are taking this very seriously. Why did you pick on her?’
‘I didn’t want her to do better than me,’ Katerina says sullenly. ‘I thought if she looked irresponsible Dominik would like me better. You told me to do what it takes to get to the top. You said there are ways to do anything, you just have to find them.’
‘Don’t blame me for what you’ve done,’ her mother says heatedly. ‘I meant for you to make friends with the right people—good players like Viktor. And to get on the coach’s good side so he would look out for you. I didn’t mean for you to pick on people and hide their things. I didn’t mean for you to be a bully!’
‘I’m not a bully, Mama!’
‘I don’t understand, Katerina. How would you feel if someone did that to you?’
She looks at her feet and wriggles her toes.
Her mother stares at her for a long moment. ‘Dominik said we have to go to a meeting at the club on Friday after school. They want to talk to you about what’s been happening. There’s a complaints process to go through. A hearing with Dominik and Matteo.’
Katerina can’t breathe. It’s bad if the club president will be there. ‘No! I don’t want to go.’
‘Katerina! Enough!’
Her mother’s yell is a gunshot and Katerina jerks with the shock of it. She bows her head and tears prick her eyes. Her mother is never this angry. ‘I’m sorry, Mama.’ And now her guilt is so heavy she can’t lift it, and there’s a sour taste in her mouth. She dreads the thought of her baba finding out. She can deal with Mama’s anger, but he’ll be so, so disappointed.
Her mother leans against the bench as if she’s infinitely weary. Katerina sees the sadness in her eyes and wishes she’d never done any of those things. Deep in her gut, she knows that she will never be as good as everyone wants her to be—no matter whether Audrey is on the field or not.
When the men arrive home from work, Mama hurries out through the front door and intercepts Baba on the driveway. From the lounge-room window, Katerina sees them talking, her brothers listening. After a while, her parents walk onto the footpath where the streetlight casts an amber glow. Mama talks on and on, gesticulating with her hands while Baba stands very still, paying close attention.
On the porch, Kosta kicks off his workboots and comes inside, sawdust in his hair and on his clothes. ‘What’s going on, little sister?’ he asks, eyes dancing. ‘Are you in trouble?’
His smirk makes Katerina seethe. ‘Piss off, Kosta!’
‘Mama’s little princess can’t hack the heat, eh?’ he grins.
She can’t stop the sparks from flying. ‘I’m not a princess!’ she yells.
He laughs and meows like a wildcat and rakes the air with imaginary claws.
Behind him, Frankie frowns and shakes his head. ‘Watch out, sis. Baba’s on the warpath. He’s not happy with you. I can’t believe what you did!’
While her brothers take a shower, she hovers in the lounge room, sick with guilt and regret, watching her parents, still outside. When she can’t stand it any longer, she retreats to the kitchen where the cake tins are still in the sink. Maybe her mother would be less angry if she washed them. She fills the sink with warm water, squirts in detergent then dips her hands in. But she still feels dirty.
At last, her father comes in, and the grave look on his face cuts deep. He trudges wearily down the hallway and closes the bedroom door behind him. She can’t bear to face her mother again, so she shuts herself in her room and flings herself on the bed, squashes her face into the pillow.
Eventually, she hears her brothers in the kitchen, chatting with her mother. Cautiously, she peers into the hallway. The door to her parents’ room is now open and her father is in there, sorting the rest of the washing. He’s clean-shaven, hair combed smooth. He points at the washing pile. ‘Come and help.’
Her parents’ room is usually a good place to talk, but tonight she can’t find the right words.
‘Tell me the truth,’ he says.
She knows she can’t play with him the same way she does with Mama. The words start spilling out, slowly at first, then in a rush like a waterfall. How she thought that if Audrey was always losing things and annoying Dominik, then Audrey would get less game time and she would get more. How she didn’t mean for it to get out of hand.
‘What about everything else?’ he says, still folding washing. ‘I heard you’ve been saying nasty things to her, kicking her when the coach isn’t watching. That’s not what I expect from my daughter. I thought you were better than that.’
She can’t look at him. ‘I’m sorry, Baba. I won’t do it again.’
He says nothing and in his silence she burns.
‘What am I going to do?’ she asks, teary. ‘I don’t want to go to this meeting.’ She drops to her knees on the carpet and hides her face in the pile of washing.
‘Stand up and stop crying,’ he says quietly. ‘You have to do this. We don’t have a choice. You have to face your punishment. We will be there with you.’
She rises, aching all over from shame. When she musters the courage to meet his eyes, his sadness hurts most of all.
Ricci texts her in the night. What’s going on? Why arnt u sending msgs
there’s been shit going down
what sort of shit
football stuff I’m in trouble with my parents & i don’t know what to do
why in trouble
for being mean to a girl in my team
don’t worry it’ll blow over
no it won’t the club wants to talk to me
say you didn’t do it
i did but some of my mates told on me … what should i do
She waits for his reply, hoping he can help. But when dunno comes through, she says bye. Isn’t he supposed to know about these things? He’s older than her.
Friday looms like a black hole sucking all the energy out of the universe. At school, her friends ask: What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you answering us on Snapchat? Why aren’t you posting anything?
She can’t tell them because it would be too embarrassing.
On Wednesday, she begs to stay home from training, but her mother won’t have it. ‘Get your kit on and get into the car,’ Mama says, devoid of sympathy. ‘Dominik hasn’t banned you yet, so you’d better show up and face the music.’
Katerina shrivels, fearful. ‘Do you think he’ll be mad at me in public?’
‘Who knows? If he is, then maybe you deserve it. Go and get dressed.’
Katerina complies, but she’s pissed off at her mother for being so mean. Easy for her, when she’s not the one who’s in trouble.
Dominik is icy with her when she arrives. She tries to keep out of his way, but he pulls her aside and tells her he’ll be keeping an eye on her and that he won’t tolerate any more funny business.
It’s humiliating to be told off when the rest of the team might hear, but she holds her head high and tries not to cry. She can feel the others watching her. Are they whispering about her like she used to whisper about Audrey?
