Sidelines, page 22
Shame and regret choke her. It’s as if she’s sinking into the floor. Soon she will be a puddle on the concrete. She stares at her feet. Her boots with her name in curly silver writing. She can’t look up.
Dominik clears his throat. ‘Thank you everyone for coming to this meeting. We all know why we’re here, so we won’t prolong things. But first I want to say that the club is strongly against bullying, and I’m sorry for not noticing what was going on, and for not taking action sooner. That’s part of my responsibility as coach. But I’m aware of it now. And I’ll be making sure it doesn’t happen again.’
Katerina glances up. He’s looking at her expectantly. She feels as though she’s going to vomit. Three times she swallows the pulse of saliva that fills her mouth, then the words come staggering out. ‘I’m really sorry for all the things I did to you, Audrey. It was meant to be a joke but I went too far. I know it wasn’t funny for you. I got carried away and it must have been horrible. I’m sorry it upset you and that people made fun of you. I didn’t mean for that to happen. It was mean and I won’t do it again.’
The words sound brittle and inadequate, and her voice is high and weird. She stops, wondering if this will be enough. Baba pats her back and she looks to Dominik again, whose face is unreadable.
He turns to Audrey. ‘Do you accept Katerina’s apology?’
Jonica’s face is angry and sad at the same time, and Ben glares so hard it makes Katerina’s throat constrict. Audrey has tears in her eyes. There’s a long pause. Audrey’s eyes flicker around the room, then fix on the barbecue again. Tears run down her cheeks and Katerina’s legs wobble.
Finally, Audrey looks at her. ‘I accept your apology, as long as you’re truly sorry and you won’t do it again. I don’t want anyone else to feel as bad as me.’
Despite her own discomfort, Katerina does truly feel bad for Audrey. She swallows and lifts her chin. ‘I mean it. I feel terrible about what I did. And I’m very, very sorry.’ She’s shaking all over, but she won’t cry, she won’t cry, she won’t cry.
‘Now shake hands to show that all is forgiven,’ Dominik says.
Katerina holds out her hand. Audrey lifts hers in front of her chest and cups it as if holding a small bird. Then slowly reaches out.
Katerina takes her hand. It is floppy and soft and sad—she can feel the dejection in it. She realises that if she had this year over and started differently, they might have been friends. But not now.
She releases Audrey’s hand and looks down at her boots. The curly silver writing is covered with dried mud. She bends, and uses her thumb to wipe her name clean.
After watching the whole game from the sideline, Katerina is relieved when they can all leave.
At home, she shuts herself in her room and is about to lie down on her bed when she notices a trail of green sludge on the carpet and a dismembered eye staring up at the ceiling. Zorro must have been out hunting again. He was probably pissed off for being turfed off her bed this morning—that’s how he punishes people.
She inspects the eye more closely, her stomach contracting at the sight of it. Looks like it belonged to a baby rabbit and the sludge is a section of guts. The eye is blank and empty. It reminds her of Audrey this morning. She gags as she scoops it up with some toilet paper and flushes it down the toilet, then cleans the carpet with a washer and soap.
In pieces is how she feels too. Her parents were silent all the way home. It must have been hard for them to watch her say sorry. They’re proud people. She hates it that she’s caused them so much pain, wonders what she can do to make it up to them. Maybe she could cook for everyone tonight. She could walk to the shops and buy the ingredients. But it’s going to take more than cooking to make amends. She grabs her phone and writes a list of jobs she could do around the house. Hang the washing. Empty the dishwasher. Vacuum the car. Sweep the driveway. Mop the floors. Clean the shower and toilet.
She also knows she should do other things too—like be a better person. She definitely doesn’t want to be a bully. But she does want to be a real person. A person with a boyfriend. One who doesn’t have to do everything her mother says. She doesn’t have to be her mother.
She decides to start with the cleaning—that’s something her parents will appreciate. She fetches a bucket and sponge and the Spray n’ Wipe from the laundry, and begins with the toilet, trying to ignore her brothers’ shit smears in the bowl. It’s disgusting. It’s lucky she’s wearing rubber gloves.
She’s scrubbing the shower screen when the doorbell rings. Keen for a distraction, she sneaks into her bedroom and peeps through the tulle curtains to see who it is. Ricci is there.
Her mother opens the front door. ‘Hello, Ricci.’
‘Hey, Mrs Petrakis. How are you?’
‘Good, good. Kosta said you won your game.’
‘Yeah. 3–nil.’
‘Well done. Come in. Kosta’s in his room.’
Peering around the corner, Katerina sees Ricci’s bright, friendly smile and she ducks into the bathroom to avoid him. She hears his footsteps as he passes. Kosta’s bedroom door opening and closing. The blokey sound of the two of them talking. Hey, Ricci. Hey, Kosta. Hello, cat.
Zorro must be on Kosta’s bed. Mama always says cats are fickle and that it’s Zorro’s prerogative to choose who he likes best at any particular moment.
There’s a sharp yell from Ricci, ‘Bloody cat!’ Zorro must have swiped him—he doesn’t like Ricci.
Kosta’s door opens and there’s a thud as Zorro lands in the hallway, then the door closes again and Zorro stalks down to the kitchen.
‘Katerina?’ Mama calls. ‘Can you watch the stew while I go and hang some washing?’
‘Yes, Mama. I’ll keep an eye on it.’
Her mother goes into the backyard and Katerina peels off her gloves and wanders into the kitchen. She’s feeling better now, ready for something to eat. The wooden spoon protrudes from the pot on the stove. She scoops up some stew, blows on it, and is chewing on a big chunk of beef when Ricci comes in.
‘Can I have a taste?’ he asks.
She scoops more stew and blows on it before offering it to him.
‘How are you feeling after last night?’ he says, grinning at her.
‘Not good,’ she murmurs. ‘It’s been a bad day. I vomited heaps and then I had to say sorry to that girl in my team. It was awful and a bit sad, but I did it.’
‘I didn’t know you had a conscience,’ he says. ‘Lucky you don’t feel bad about me.’ He leans forward and tries to kiss her.
She recoils. ‘Not here!’
‘Quick,’ he murmurs, ‘there’s time.’
He presses his lips to hers and she gasps as Kosta appears at the door. She tries to push Ricci away but his tongue flickers into her mouth. She lurches backwards, dribbling stew down the front of his shirt.
‘What the fuck are you doing?’ Kosta shouts.
‘Nothing,’ Ricci says.
‘I saw that, Ricci. You were hitting on my sister.’
‘No way. I didn’t!’ Ricci raises his hands and backs away.
‘Yes, you did. And you, Katerina!’ Kosta points a finger at her. ‘Why did you let him?’
‘I didn’t!’
‘Yes, you did. I bet this has happened before, hasn’t it?’
‘No. No. Never.’ Ricci’s face is red. He yelps as Zorro gallops through the room and fangs his ankle then shoots through to the lounge room.
Mama looms at the back door, ominous as a thunderstorm. ‘What’s happening?’ she demands. ‘What were Ricci and Katerina doing?’
‘Nothing, Mama. Nothing!’ Katerina wants to run somewhere, anywhere—there’s been enough trouble today.
‘What’s going on with my sister?’ Kosta yells at Ricci. ‘You’re as guilty as hell. I can see it in your eyes. I know you. You’ve been telling us about some young chick you’ve been fucking, and all this time, it’s been my sister. Fuck you! I told you at the beach not to touch her. I’m going to kill you!’
Ricci sprints from the kitchen and Kosta pounds after him, Mama following. They crash out through the front door. Katerina scurries to the lounge room to watch through the window. Kosta slams into Ricci and knocks him down, then starts pummelling him, snarling, ‘What the fuck have you been doing to my sister?’
Ricci tries to shove him off, yelling, ‘Get off me, Kosta. Fucking get off!’
Kosta is smaller, but he’s on top and he’s livid. He rains blows at Ricci’s head.
Mama snaps, ‘Stop it! The neighbours will see you!’ But she looks as though if it weren’t for the threat of gossip she’d join in. Katerina thought that she’d seen her mother angry, but she’s never seen her face like this.
She hears heavy footsteps as her father storms through the house and outside. ‘Get up, both of you,’ he roars at Kosta and Ricci, shoulders bunched with rage. ‘Get into the kitchen.’
Intent on escape, she scoops up Zorro and hides with him in her bedroom.
‘Katerina!’ her father calls. ‘Out here!’
She leaves Zorro on the bed and slinks, head down, into the kitchen where everyone is standing around the bench. Mama’s eyes are blazing. Kosta glares at her. And there’s Ricci, bent forward, arms crossed, eyes wide and wild.
He’s shitting himself, she realises. Her mind flashes to moments on the mountain with his dick inside her and his tongue in her mouth. He seemed so grown up then. So experienced. Now it’s her father who’s in control and Ricci is just a kid.
‘All right,’ Baba says slowly. ‘We’re going to get to the bottom of this. Katerina—talk to me.’
She’s alarmed. Is she going to have to confess in front of everyone? ‘Please Baba,’ she begs. ‘Can I talk to you in my bedroom? Just you. No one else?’ She’s too scared to tell her mama. Can’t bear that look of disappointment and knowing in her eyes. Her father assesses her for a moment, steely, then exchanges a glance with her mother.
‘I think I should do it, Ilya,’ Mama says.
‘Yes, I agree. Katerina, go to your bedroom with your mama and tell the truth. We’ve had enough of all the bullshit.’
In her room, Mama sits on the bed and Katerina closes the door and presses her back to it. ‘I’ve made a mistake,’ she says.
Her mother remains silent for a long moment. ‘What does that mean? You need to be clearer. What is the mistake? What have you done? Have you been with Ricci?’
Admitting it is the hardest thing Katerina has ever done. Even harder than apologising to Audrey. But she has to be honest, like Baba said. She meets her mother’s gaze, and nods.
‘Did he hurt you? Did he force himself on you?’
‘No.’ Katerina suppresses a flicker of irritation. Why would her mother think Ricci would hurt her?
‘Are you sure? I want to be certain you’re safe. Men use young girls to get what they want. It happens all the time. I know it.’
‘I’m fine.’
‘You are not fine, Katerina. This is not fine.’ Mama’s voice wobbles. ‘How often have you been seeing him?’
Katerina reminds herself to tell the truth. ‘Every week.’
‘For how long?’
‘Since summer.’
‘Oh God in heaven! Thee mou! How did I not notice this?’ Her mother closes her eyes and presses a hand to her forehead. For several moments, she doesn’t move. Then she opens her eyes and regards her seriously. ‘What did you do with him? Just kissing?’
Katerina hesitates. She will just have to say it—she promised the truth, and her mother must already know it was more than kissing. ‘Everything.’
‘Did you use condoms?’
‘Yes. And I’m on the pill, remember?’
Her mother’s voice rises. ‘Don’t you know it’s illegal for an adult to have sex with a minor?’
‘Nobody cares, Mama. Girls are more mature than guys. You’ve always said so.’ She can’t believe her mother is being so old-fashioned. Age doesn’t matter these days.
‘It’s not okay for a man to have sex with a child. It’s rape. An abuse of power. Your baba will call the police and have Ricci charged. He could go to jail.’
‘No, Mama! It wasn’t rape.’ How can she make her mother understand? They’ve been talking about consent at school, and she knows for sure she consented. ‘I did it because I wanted to. Not because Ricci made me. He never hurt me. He was good to me.’
‘Good to you?’ Her mother’s voice is flat and harsh, like two stones rubbing together.
‘Yes, he was kind. It’s not his fault.’
‘Of course it’s his fault!’ her mother explodes. ‘What does a nineteen-year-old man want with a fourteen-year-old girl?’
‘I’m not a child.’
‘Of course you’re a child! You’ve been abused and you don’t even know it.’
‘It wasn’t like that. Why aren’t you listening to me?’
‘Because I don’t like what I’m hearing,’ her mother snaps. She breathes in deeply, then adds, more quietly, ‘I never wanted anything like this to happen to you. I didn’t want a man to take away what’s yours to give, in love, by choice. I didn’t want it stolen from you.’
‘It wasn’t stolen,’ Katerina says, stung.
Her mother stands up. ‘We’ll talk about this later. But right now, we need to tell your baba.’
If Katerina has ever wondered what hell is like, she now knows. Mama calls Baba in and tells him what’s happened, and his eyes burn with fury. His silence is worse than his rage. When he looks at Katerina, his expression is raw and bleak, as if she’s someone he no longer knows. He strides from the room, Mama close behind. Katerina creeps down the hallway and peers into the kitchen.
The fires of the underworld ignite when her father goes off at Ricci. ‘How dare you touch my daughter!’ he roars. ‘If you go near her ever again, I’ll kill you.’
Ricci shrinks, lashed by the words. ‘I’m sorry, Mr Petrakis. I’m sorry.’
‘Sorry is not enough. I’m going to call the police and have you charged with sexual assault.’ Baba looks as if he wants to tear Ricci apart.
‘No, Mr Petrakis. No! Please, no!’ Ricci’s wheedling voice is so pathetic Katerina is embarrassed for him. Why doesn’t he say he loves her and that he would die for her, like he told her on the mountain?
Mama shrieks at him and says he’s a bastard, and that he should die for laying his hands on her daughter.
Kosta shouts too. ‘You’re supposed to be my friend. I can’t believe you’ve been raping my sister.’ He hurls himself across the kitchen at Ricci, and Baba has to haul him off again.
‘See what you’ve done!’ Mama screeches. ‘I could kill you for this. You don’t even care about Katerina. You only wanted one thing.’
Ricci cowers, arms raised like a shield. ‘No! No! It’s not true. She wanted it too.’
‘Get the hell out of my house and never come back,’ Baba bellows.
Ricci flees. His wild eyes flash briefly into Katerina’s before he dives out through the front door and charges down the driveway, head down, shoulders hunched.
Her mother marches past and slams the front door.
Katerina feels as though she’s dying. She can never see him again. It’s as if her heart’s been torn out. She bolts to her bedroom, throws herself onto the bed and weeps desperately into her pillow. She doesn’t know whether she’s crying because she’s lost Ricci, or from the embarrassment of her family telling him off. Everything was already bad enough today—why did he have to come here and make it all worse? Why did he have to try to kiss her when there were people around? Why did Kosta have to catch them?
Her mother comes in and sits on the edge of the bed. Katerina feels a hand on her shoulder, then strong arms pulling her up.
‘Shhh, shhh, calm down, my little one,’ Mama says. Suddenly Katerina feels as though she is four, and not fourteen, and her mother’s arms are the only safe place on earth.
‘I feel so sad, Mama,’ she sobs.
‘Don’t you worry about that stupid Ricci. He’s out of your life now and he can’t hurt you anymore. I’m sorry I didn’t take proper care of you. I knew he was trouble and I should have been more careful, but I let my guard down. You’re too young to know what men are like.’
Katerina tugs away and scrubs the tears from her cheeks. ‘Don’t speak to me like that, Mama. You don’t understand because you’re old, and you’ve been with Baba forever. You’ve forgotten what love is. But what happened between Ricci and me wasn’t just sex. We’re in love. I know what it feels like.’
‘Oh, darling,’ Carmen says sadly. ‘You call that love? It was lust, Katerina. A man having his way with a child. If he ever tries to see you again, your baba will report him to the police. Maybe he already has.’
‘You don’t need to speak to the police! I won’t see him anymore.’
‘You have to be more careful, Katerina. Trust me, I know … If you don’t learn now, then someday someone will hurt you very badly.’
Tears smart behind Katerina’s eyes and her whole body aches. She hears her mother’s words, but just because she’s only fourteen doesn’t give her mother the right to control everything. ‘I know you’re just trying to look after me, Mama,’ she says carefully. ‘But you hold on so tight it’s like I’m in a cage. I need to live. You can’t protect me from everything.’
Her mother sags, and Katerina feels sad for her, but she has to make herself heard or nothing will change.
‘There’s something I need to tell you,’ Mama says, her face very serious. ‘You’re old enough for me to share this now, especially after what you’ve just been through.’
‘What is it?’ Katerina asks.
Her mother inhales, then starts speaking slowly. ‘When I was seventeen, just a little bit older than you, something bad happened to me. It wasn’t my fault, just as what happened with Ricci isn’t your fault. But an older man took advantage of me … I was raped, Katerina. It had a massive impact on my life. That’s what happens with sexual assault—it shatters your world. And it’s why I dropped out of football and missed out on selection for the Women’s World Cup.’
