Lady Preacher, page 21
“Maybe he’s trying to change. Isn’t that what you Christians do? Change?”
Shante suspected that was Patrice’s way of introducing the subject of Shawn’s conversion. However, she felt the crowded café wasn’t a good place to have such a personal conversation. She decided to wait and talk to her later.
* * *
Camille was trying to wrap Shante’s hair. It had been a long day, and she was tired. She knew Camille wanted to talk, but she didn’t feel like it.
“How are Max and the boys?”
“They’re fine.”
“Fine? That’s all?”
“Yeah.”
“You said no, didn’t you?” Camille stopped combing Shante’s hair and sat next to her on the bed.
“Said no? No to what?”
“You did say no. When Max asked me to help him pick out the ring, I didn’t think you would say no. Why? Aren’t you in love with him?”
“You knew about the proposal?”
“Yeah, Max called me and asked if he could marry you. I was happy for you. He came down here, and we went shopping for the ring. Why did you say no?”
“It wasn’t time. There’s too much going on right now.” “That’s your excuse for everything. There’s too much going on now,” Camille said, imitating her mother. “Camille, I have to tell you something.”
“What, Mom? It sounds serious.”
“It is.”
“Are you sick?”
“No. There was a meeting at the church, and they sat me down. I’m not pastoring right now.”
Camille jumped up from the bed and walked around the room. “Oh, no, Mom. How could they? When did this happen? Why didn’t you call me?” Shante told her about Greensboro and the board meeting. Camille listened attentively but disbelievingly. “Mom, I know you didn’t do any of those things. I don’t see how you put up with it. Church folk make me sick.”
“Don’t say that, Camille. There are a lot of good people in the church.”
“I know. But when something like this happens, where are those good people? Did anybody do or say anything to defend you? Who stood up for you?”
“Some people walked out of the meeting without voting. Tank tried to maintain an open mind, and after the meeting he tried to encourage me. I know Tank is on my side.”
“But did he defend you, Mom? Did he stand up for you and call them to be the liars they are? No. He let you sit there and be accused of something you didn’t do. Do they know how hard we’ve struggled over the years while you were taking care of them? Do they know how many times you missed my activities to take care of their families? Do they know, Mom? Did they appreciate what you did? No. That’s how people are. They use you up, and when they don’t need you anymore, they toss you aside.”
“Where is all this anger coming from? I’m mad, but not that mad. You need to calm down and watch what you say.”
“No, Mom. I’m tired of the way those people have treated you. They expect you to be everything for everybody and to be everyplace at the same time. You’re not God. They’re supposed to be so holy, yet they depend on you more than on God. And what do you do? You run yourself ragged until you collapse. And how do they show their appreciation? By trying to destroy you even more.”
“That’s not true. I enjoy what I do. I’m committed to what I do. I love the ministry. You know that sometimes we have to go through things. This is what I have to go through.”
“Mom, you don’t have to preach to me. I’ve heard you crying at night. I hear you pray. I know when you’re hurting. Sometimes it seems as if I’m the only one who cares about you. It’s a good thing I’m in Atlanta; I would tell those people some things.”
“Please calm down. This isn’t helping anything.”
“You don’t have to be strong for me. When I saw you today, you looked as if you hadn’t slept in a while. You looked bad. Is this why you’re not marrying Max? If it is, then you need to call him and tell him you’ve changed your mind. Don’t let the people in your church keep you from being happy. Max makes you happy. I saw the two of you together. You had a glow about you. I can’t remember ever seeing you like that before.”
“I can’t be with him now. It’s not the right time.”
“You can’t? Is it because of the church or what Dad did to you?” Camille’s question surprised Shante. She had tried to keep what happened with Kevin a secret from her. She had never told Camille about the incidents that had led her to leaving Kevin. Now, she wondered if Camille had known all along. “I know you don’t want to admit it, Mom, but I’m an adult now. We can talk about things. I know how you got those scars on your face. I know Dad did that to you; I’ve known for a while.”
“How did you find out?”
“Aunt Gwen. She thought I already knew, but I didn’t until she told me. I wanted to ask you about them, but you never wanted to talk about him. Is it still hurting you? Does it still hurt to remember what happened? Are you afraid you’ll get hurt like that again?”
“Max is not like your dad.”
“That is my point exactly. He is not like Dad. They’re completely different, but when you look at him, do you see all the hurt of a past relationship and fear getting into another? Is it that fear that is keeping you from loving Max? Are you still running and hiding like the day you left Dad?”
“So you’re a psych major now?”
“I’m serious, Mom. Have you stopped running? That was a long time ago. You need to stop running. You can’t be afraid anymore. Dad beat you into submission, and out of fear you ran and hid from him. You know people can sense fear. That’s why you are being attacked at the church. The enemy sensed fear. And what did you do? What you always do; you ran and hid.”
Shante sat on the bed quietly listening to Camille. She was right, and God was using Camille to minister to her.
“Is that why you’re still running? Do you fear being hurt again?” Camille’s voice rose.
“Maybe that is part of it. You don’t know how it feels to look into a mirror every day of your life and see the scars of a bad decision. It was a bad decision to marry your dad. Now, I have to look at this reminder every day. Even when I try to cover it up, I’m still reminded of it. It hurts sometimes, but I keep moving. It keeps me from thinking about it.”
“Mom, you’ve got to stop running. Come here.” Camille took her hand and walked her over to the mirror. “Look at yourself. You don’t have on any makeup. You’re beautiful. This is who you are. You are a testament to the ability of the human spirit to triumph over adversity. You had a situation, but it doesn’t have you. You overcame. When are you going to realize that? You are beautiful and intelligent, and I know you try to live right. When Max looks at you, he sees what I see; even more so because he’s looking at you differently.”
The tears began to fall down her face. Shante felt as if a weight had been lifted. Camille was right, and she wanted to change. But she didn’t know how.
“Didn’t you and Max go to college together? He was attracted to you then. Look at yourself. When Max sees you, he looks beyond the scars and the hurt, and he sees you—the real you, the beautiful you—just as God does. He looks beyond what you see as faults and sees the real you. The Bible says when God made us, he looked at us and said we were very good in his sight. Look at yourself, Mom. God made you, and you are very good. I’m going to tell you the most used phrase in the Bible: fear not. Fear not what people are going to do or say to you. You are redeemed from the hands of the enemy. Those people in that church can only do one thing for you, and that’s move you to where God wants you to be. Look at Joseph. People did things to him to hurt him. They didn’t know that God was using them to move him to where he needed to be, to fulfill something God had spoken in his life a long time ago. You should give Max another chance. He loves you unconditionally. But I can’t tell you what to do. I’m just a child.”
“No, you’re not.” Shante said, turning to face her daughter. “You’re an adult—my daughter. You’re full of more wisdom than I have given you credit for. You’re right. Everything you said is right. Thank you for telling me. I love you.”
“I love you, too, Mom.” Camille hugged Shante and wiped the tears from her eyes.
“I’m glad I came to Atlanta. I needed this. Look at me. I look a mess. Let me freshen up, and then I think I’ll go to bed.”
“Okay, Mom, but you look great. Keep telling yourself that.”
Shante studied her face in the bathroom mirror. She remembered how she got every scar. She tried to imagine herself without them. She could only see the scars, but she knew Camille was right. She was going to have to begin seeing herself as God saw her. Why had she allowed Kevin to continue to have control over her? And he knew he still had control over her mind and actions. She vowed to end his control over her. She made up her mind to do an inventory of herself when she got back to Charlotte and try to work on every area of her life. It was time she lived what she preached. She began to pray. Afterward, she went back to the bedroom; Camille was already asleep. She looked at her daughter. She was no longer her little girl, but a woman of great wisdom—and she was a gift from God.
* * *
“Good morning, sleepy head. You really slept late this morning. It’s after ten. You want some coffee?” Patrice said as Shante dragged herself into the kitchen.
“I’m sorry I slept so late. This was the first night in a long time I’ve slept through the night. I guess I was tired. Has Camille left yet?”
“Yeah, she left over an hour ago. She said she had to get to class. She didn’t want to wake you. She said you looked so peaceful.”
Shante sat down at the table. Patrice handed her a cup of coffee and sat down across from her. “Thank you for letting me stay with you. I think I’m going to go back to Charlotte this afternoon. Are you going to work today?”
“No.” Patrice sighed. “I thought you would stay longer. I took a couple of sick days this week. I thought we could spend some time together. It’s been so long since we hung out. Do you really have to leave today?”
“I want to leave. I want to get back to work. It’s time I face up to my problems and stop running. Camille and I had a long talk last night. Did you know she knew about Kevin and me?”
“Yeah, we talked about it.”
“How did everyone know but me? Anyway, I think my congregation should know what’s going on from me. People can distort the truth so much, and I need to face my enemies and show them I’m not scared—that means Kevin, too.” Shante took a sip of her coffee.
“If you have to go back, then I won’t stop you. I wish you would stay.”
“Patrice, is something wrong?”
“Well, we really haven’t had time to talk since you’ve been here. Each time I wanted to come to your room and talk, I would hear you praying. I waited a couple of times, but, girl, you pray too long.”
“I’m listening now.”
“But you’re ready to go home.”
“I can wait. What’s going on?”
Patrice didn’t answer. She got up and went to the counter and poured another cup of coffee. “You want some more coffee? You haven’t eaten. Can I get you something to eat?”
“Some more coffee would be fine.” Something was going on with Patrice. She was not her usual loud, joking, trash-talking self, and she hadn’t been since she arrived. She decided she would stay another day; Patrice needed her. “Is this about Shawn? Are the two of you having trouble?”
“How could he do this to us? How could he do something like that without discussing it with me?”
“What did he do?”
“He got saved. When he told me, I almost fainted. I couldn’t believe he would do something like that. First it was Gwen, then you, and now my own husband. Why couldn’t things stay as they were? We were so happy.”
“Has it been that bad since he got saved?”
“No, it really hasn’t been bad at all. I just don’t know what to say to him. I loved him the way he was. He didn’t have to change. Now everything is going to change. I’m afraid I’m going to lose him, lose my family.”
“Why do you think Shawn getting saved will lead to your losing him?”
“We were so close. We could talk about anything. We had fun. We went out. We traveled. Our lovemaking was always so passionate and adventurous. You know, there were times when I went to his office in nothing but a coat and some shoes, and there were times when he would pay me a visit at work. We were happy. I could look at him and tell what he was thinking. He could look at me the same way. When the kids were young, we made sure there was at least one special day during the week we spent alone together. When he was trying to start his practice, we worked together to build it up. We were so good together. Now all that is over.”
“Why is it over?”
“He’s going to turn into one of those church folk you and Gwen are always telling me about—self-righteous and judgmental. They do horrible things to good people. Look at what they’re doing to you. I don’t want that to happen to Shawn, my children, or me. You know I would definitely hurt somebody. I won’t let anyone destroy my family.”
“What makes you think he’s going to be like them? Has he done anything to make you think he’s self-righteous and judgmental?”
“No, but I’m afraid he’s going to change the more he goes to church. I don’t want to lose my husband. I love him. Sometimes I think he’s looking at everything I do. I feel so uncomfortable having a glass of wine in the evening. After a long day, we used to snuggle, have a glass of wine, and talk. We haven’t done that since he got saved. I don’t know who he is anymore. We used to go out dancing. I’m afraid to ask him to go anywhere. Look at us. Look around you. We have a great life. We’re successful and living in a prominent neighborhood. We have two beautiful, smart children who have their own successes. Travis has college recruiters running after him to play football for their school. Tiffany finally got that crazy idea of going to Europe out of her head, and she has settled into life at Hampton. We have money. We have everything.” Patrice began to cry as Shante leaned over and stroked her shoulder.
“I know change can be hard. Let me ask you something. What has changed with our relationship? What has changed with your relationship with Gwen?”
“We don’t go to strip clubs anymore.” Patrice laughed nervously.
“Do you want to go to strip clubs?”
“No, I’m too old for that foolishness now.”
“Has anything else changed?”
“Not really. We still have fun. We joke around as we used to. We don’t get to see each other often. When we do, we pick up where we left off. The only thing that has really changed is that we’re older and have adult children now.”
“Then why does it have to change with Shawn?”
“I don’t want him to turn into one of those church people.”
“Patrice, I’m sorry I’ve given you the impression that church folk are bad people. If I had known it was having an effect on you, I wouldn’t have talked to you about the trouble I’ve had in my church. I apologize. I didn’t mean to give you a bad impression. The truth is, there are many good people—Christians—in the church. They’re people of integrity. They’re fun to be around. They make my work so much easier. They’re faithful and honest. They know how to love unconditionally. They would give their lives for their friends and family. There are so many good people in the church. They are the ones who don’t get attention. It’s the loud ones, the troublemakers, who get all the attention. They are few in numbers. Is this why you haven’t made a commitment to Christ? Because of what Gwen and I said?”
“I don’t want to be like those people.”
“You don’t have to be. Being in a relationship with Christ is a personal thing. You have to know him for yourself. You have to believe that God loves you unconditionally. God accepts you for who you are. He wants to be a part of your life.”
“How can God accept me? I love my life. I don’t feel anything needs to change.”
“But you feel something is missing, don’t you?”
“I have felt it for a long time. I didn’t know what was going on. When Shawn said he had gotten saved, something inside me wanted to be with him. It was as if he had the courage to do what I should have been doing. I don’t know if God can forgive me for some of the things I have done—all of the guys I slept with before I met Shawn.”
“How long have you known me?” Shante asked. “Haven’t I been with a few guys myself and done some things, too? Remember that time at Freak-Nik when we entered that wet t-shirt contest?”
Patrice started to laugh. “Yeah, and Gwen won because her breasts were bigger than everybody else’s.”
“God forgave me for that. And what about that time I entered that amateur striptease contest at that club?”
Patrice laughed even harder. “You were so awful. Gwen and I were the only ones who screamed for you. We had some fun back then. We were so wild when the three of us got together.”
“I can go on and on, but the point is God forgave me and he can forgive you, too.”
“Yeah, but you were always different.”
“Different how? I was a sinner, and one day I asked God to forgive me and he did. Yes, my life changed, but it changed for the better. Yours will, too. All you have to do is confess your sin, ask for forgiveness, and declare him Lord over your life.”
“Is it that easy?”
“Yes, it is that easy. You don’t need a preacher, a choir, and people praying over you. All you need to say is, ‘God, I am a sinner.’ ”
“God, I am a sinner,” Patrice repeated.
“Forgive me of my sins.”
“Forgive me of my sins.”
“I declare you Lord over my life.”
Patrice repeated the words, tears spilling down her cheeks.
“Come into my life and cleanse me of unrighteousness.” “Come into my life and cleanse me of unrighteousness,” she said softly.
“It’s that easy. Now you’re saved. Your life will change forever. Your marriage will be better.”
