Secret Desire, page 5
“You won’t get back to me. I didn’t know what else to do.” I was breathless as I spoke, and he looked past me.
“Accept that I don’t want to talk to you. You’re a smart guy.”
Where was this coming from?
“What did I do?” I pressed, and he turned to finish walking to his car. “Fuck. You owe me more than this.”
Peter got into his car and drove away, leaving me staring after him. I would at least like to know what the hell was going on, but I didn’t think that would happen anytime soon.
I walked to my car and thought over the last few days. I hadn’t missed anything we planned, but he did. Why was he so angry at me when he skipped a date? Not that it was a date or even set in stone, but it was what we’d been doing regularly. I looked forward to seeing Peter, particularly after the shit that David pulled. The old me would have just gone home with him. I just knew that I only wanted one man now, and he didn’t seem to want me anymore.
I drove home and faked a smile when I saw my sister sitting on the couch. I heated a plate of food and talked about school with her, making sure the conversation remained casual. I wasn’t ready to tell her any of this and let out a relieved sigh when she headed off to bed. I slumped back against the cushions and closed my eyes, feeling too weary even to make it to my room.
Chapter Nine
Peter
I stayed home and worked when I wasn’t at school. If I wasn’t working one of my jobs, I was working out hard or passed out due to exhaustion in my bed.
This thing with Matt was messing with me. He was the first man I considered getting serious with for a long time, and it came with risks. I’d been willing to wait until we didn’t have the dangerous connection between teacher and student to see where it went.
Then I saw him kissing that man by the bar. It reminded me of our first kiss and how hot it was, but it seemed easy for Matt to give that part of himself away. I couldn’t deal with that shit again and barely looked at him in class every day that I saw him. He did the same, and the rift between us widened with every day we pretended the other didn’t exist.
I saw him with the same guy on the campus a couple of times, but they weren’t locked at the lips this time. It appeared as though they were fighting, and I bitterly thought that it must be a lover’s quarrel. I looked away each time they kept walking, barely nodding at people I knew along the way. I knew I was acting like an asshole, but I couldn’t help it.
“What’s wrong with you?” My sister sounded annoyed when I called that night, and I sighed.
“Nothing, Lace.” I knew she hated the nickname I gave her years ago, and it almost made me smile. “I’m working a lot and tired. I’m trying to keep in shape and everything still. It’s hard.”
“You’ve been doing that since high school. I get that you’re older now and everything, but it can’t be that bad. There’s something more to it. What gives? Is it a guy?”
I nearly choked on the coffee I was sipping but managed to regain my composure, covering it with a cough.
“Who has time for that?” I blew her question off. “I need a real teaching job before I worry about that.”
“You want a teaching job, and I love that about you. Financially, you’re fine.” She was right, but I remained silent. I heard someone in the background and smiled when my mom sang out my name. “Here’s Mom. Cheer up, brat.”
“What’s wrong, Peter?” Mom asked immediately, and I shook my head slowly.
“Nothing. Mom. Just tired. Jenny is just being a jerk to me, as usual.”
“Are you sure?” she pressed, and I smiled.
“I’m fine. How are you doing?” I asked as I sat down on the back balcony that overlooked the city.
“Work is busy, but you know me. I love it.” She was always busy with something, and I was pretty sure that she held the small insurance office that she worked at together all on her own. “I’m also helping your sister out as needed and running my book group.”
“You’re too busy, Mom. You always have been.” I knew that I sounded worried, but I’d always remember the way she crumbled when her parents were gone. I stood by her then and still would.
“You know I love it.” It was the job that pulled her from her dark place, and I appreciated her little family there.
“I do, but I want you to take care of yourself.”
“I want the same for you. I worry about you out there by yourself.” Mom sighed. “Come home for a weekend. I’d love to cook for you and spoil you a little bit. Bring a friend with you so I can see a piece of your life there.”
“I don’t know anyone well enough to ask. Not yet, anyway. I’ll try and get ahead on my side projects and drive out there to see you. I promise.” I thought back to the fleeting idea of asking Matt to join me once all this chaos with the class was over. That was never going to happen now, and I pushed the image of his face out of my mind.
“You’re not dating?” Mom asked, and I scrubbed a hand through my hair.
“Not now. I went out with a couple of people before I got this job. I just want to focus on the future. You know that.”
“You deserve someone good, Peter. He wasn’t right for you.” She sounded stressed when she referred to the ex who broke my heart.
“I know, Mom. That’s not it. I’m just thinking about my future as a teacher right now.” We chatted for a little while longer, and I promised that I’d visit soon before hanging up. I stared through the dark sky to the lights of the Portland buildings as I shivered. I stood to head inside, planning to work on a project before bed.
In addition to thinking about Matt, I was worried about my mom. I knew deep down that she was doing great, but I’d never forgotten the period when she was so broken. I didn’t think I’d get her back. With a lot of therapy and her willingness to take every step to be able to cope with things, Mom was doing so much better now.
I stared at my ceiling later that night, thinking over everything. I figured I could see my family in a couple of weeks. I’d go for Thanksgiving and Christmas anyway, but that seemed too far off. I sighed and turned to my side, feeling the coolness of the empty bed, and I curled up.
I wanted Matt here. I wanted to have him every way possible in my bed, but I also wanted to just talk to him. I wanted to laugh with him. I knew that I could find another guy for a casual fling, but I didn’t want that any longer. I wanted Matt.
I finally fell asleep and was glad to have the next day off from teaching. I woke up later in the morning and poured coffee before warming up my laptop to check emails. I glanced at my phone to see that there was a voice mail and pushed my hair back before checking it.
I dropped the phone to the table after I finished with the message. Everything was shifting now, and choices needed to be made. I leaned back in my chair and thought about the dream I’d been holding onto for years versus something I never thought I’d want. I needed to decide, and I reached for my coffee as I let out a slow breath.
Fuck. I thought of who to call to talk to about this and came up with nothing. Nobody knew about my real life here and now was not the time to bring it up. Mom and Jenny already worried about me, and I wanted them to think that everything was fine.
I went for a long run, blasting music into one ear as I thought about how to handle my new situation. I ran for miles, sweating as I kept my running steady and not stopping. I was going to hurt after this, but I needed to make up my mind.
I was panting when I ran up to the coffee shop. I stood outside for a moment to catch my breath and wiped at my brow with the towel. I wanted some water and an iced coffee before I went home. Opening the door, I made my way to the counter and reached into my pocket for the money that I always brought along. I placed my order and handed a bill over, sticking a couple of dollars into the tip jar before going to wait for my drinks.
I remembered the last time I was here. It was when I saw Matt and my world crashed around me. I couldn’t do anything but leave, and now I knew that was the best choice. I glanced behind me at the tables, seeing that Matt was here, but his back was to me. He had some books on the table in front of him, and a guy was sitting across the table and laughing about something. It was someone different than the guy from the bar, and it made me realize that Matt would be snatched up before long. I pushed him away, and I was going to choose to set that decision in stone now. I heard my name, and Matt turned his head to look toward me as I reached for the bottle of water and the coffee. I walked to the door without another glance in Matt’s direction, turning to walk toward my house.
I called my mom and sister, and they were happy with my new job. They were thrilled. I acted like I was as well and said all the right things about obtaining my dream. I ended the call and, while in bed, stared at the ceiling as I second-guessed myself.
I woke up after a fitful sleep and drank coffee as I got ready. I dressed in slacks and a white button-up shirt, slipping a slightly dressier blazer over the ensemble. I ran a hand through my hair and poured more coffee before leaving to go to the campus.
I entered the classroom and walked right to the front, looking around slowly. I wanted to feel happy about this, and I breathed in, forcing positivity into my head. I set my coffee down and turned to face the class as they settled in for the morning.
“Good morning.” I weakly smiled as I looked everywhere but at Matt. “I have some news.” I cleared my throat. “Unfortunately, your teacher won’t be returning to Oregon for several months, if not longer. They offered me the position, and I took it. It looks like I’m your professor now. I look forward to finishing the semester with you.” I caught a glimpse of Matt’s shocked face and looked away, feeling a rush of emotions that nearly finished me off.
I regained my composure and started the lesson for the day. I was going to plan through the next few weeks and be prepared to impress. This job would lead to others down the line, so I needed to show everyone that I was ready for this.
I finished the class and smiled at the students who welcomed me to the job. I could see that some were sad about losing the woman that taught them before me and appreciated that. I also noticed the way some of the girls looked at me, finding it hard not to shake my head at them. I was their official fucking teacher, and it didn’t look like they cared one bit. I saw that Matt was one of the first to leave without any eye contact and told myself that this pain would fade.
I was going to have to take it day by day, but I’d make it.
Chapter Ten
Matt
I ran into the fresh air from class, gasping for breath. Peter’s announcement sent a shock through my system, and I leaned against the wall of the building.
He was my professor now, officially. I was going to miss Professor Davenport and was sorry that her situation was that grave, but Peter was out of my life now. He was living the dream that he was pursuing, and I was left behind.
It’s not like we were anything to each other anymore. He pushed me away before taking this job, so it must not be a big deal to him now. Still, I thought about the strained smile on his face as he made the announcement. Was he happy?
I pushed away from the wall and headed to my next class, calming down as I walked across campus. I needed to let this go now and just be done with it. I saw Jake ahead of me, smiling and waving, and I grinned at him. Why not jump back in with him?
***
“What the hell is going on with you?” Dahlia asked me that weekend as I drank coffee at the table. I barely slept the night before after the days with Peter being my professor. It wasn’t getting easier. I had plans with Jake tonight, but my heart wasn’t in it, even if I spent Thursday night drinking and dancing with him. We kissed, but I didn’t go home with him, and I was over David.
“It was a long week,” I told her as I tried to act relaxed.
“What else? Is it because you were out all night this week?’ My sister placed her hands on her hips and shot me a challenging look. “You said you were done with that.”
“I’m still a young guy, Dahlia. I’m going to go out and have some fun sometimes.” I reminded her as she clenched her fists.
“It’s different. You were happy for a while. You were gone a lot, but it felt like you were involved in something good for you. I thought you might even be dating someone and just holding it back from me. Now, I think you’re back to being a careless party boy again.”
I scoffed at her and scrubbed my hand through my hair. “I’m not dating anyone, sis. I never would. I’m just letting loose here and there. Nothing more.”
“I saw something different in you, Matt. Your eyes were sparkling, and you’d smile more, almost to yourself. I liked it because you always act like nothing gets to you. Something has to some time or someone.” She was looking at me with genuine worry in her eyes, and I jumped as she threw herself at me. “I love you, Matt. I just want you happy.”
“I know, sweet girl. I want the same for you.” We embraced hard for a long moment, and I felt something breaking in my sister. She was strong on the outside, but I suspected that she was lonely inside, and maybe even hurt. She gave her heart and soul to Brady, and he crushed her.
“I’ll calm down if you bring your walls down. Just a little to start with?” I knew that the bar scene wasn’t for me, to begin with, and I needed to figure myself out.
“Deal.” Dahlia sniffled, and I chuckled as I tugged on her hair the way I did when we were kids. We parted and sat on the couch to sip coffee and watch some movies, just talking like we did when things weren’t tense between us. I felt a little better, and we went out to eat and saw a movie before coming home.
When I was alone in my room, and under my covers, it hit me. I missed Peter. I missed laughing with him and eating with him. I miss the way he made me want to give him complete control of my body. I missed it all, and my heart ached as I realized that he chose his job over me. I don’t know who the hell I was to expect him not to, but I thought he might go to a different campus, at the very least.
I sighed and turned to my side, trying to focus on the book that was playing over the speaker in my room. I tried to listen to a book or a podcast to wind down at night if I didn’t exhaust myself studying or drinking. It usually worked, but I was on edge tonight and turned to the other side.
The next day I had design class, and I paused in front of the building. I could skip the course today and maybe even drop it. I could take it next semester with the hopes that Peter wouldn’t be teaching here any longer. I had another few months here and was caught up on everything else.
I stared at the door as students pushed their way in and out. I never dropped classes and always tried to do my best. I was a smart guy and enjoyed learning. I had plans for my future. Would changing one class change all of that?
The space around me quieted as everyone seemed to be in their respective classes. I wasn’t in mine, and I swallowed the lump in my throat. I was okay with this, and I tugged my backpack further up my shoulder before going to get some coffee. I’d figure this out and get my degree. Peter wasn’t going to ruin that for me, but I just couldn’t deal with him right now.
I needed to heal.
Chapter Eleven
Peter
I looked over the class and noticed that Matt’s seat was empty. He wasn’t one to be late, and I checked the closed door, half expecting it to open. He was probably just sick. It was nothing.
I moved through the lesson and appreciated the enthusiasm of the class as much as I could. They seemed to take to the change in instructors well, despite how much I heard they all loved their former teacher. A few of the students seemed to like it a little too much, and I brushed off the admiration in some eyes as they met my gaze. I was not going to make that mistake again.
I left campus when I was done and walked to my car, looking around the school. I knew that I was looking for Matt but would never admit that to myself. I unlocked my car and slipped inside, realizing that I didn’t even know where Matt lived. I never went to his place. I could access the records in my new office to find out, but what was the point in that? We ended when I took this job.
I went home and worked on a couple of projects, bouncing back and forth between the two. The work distracted me as did a phone call back home after dinner. In my downtime, as I watched a sports show, I felt the emptiness of my apartment.
I missed Matt’s laugh and his scent. I missed feeling him underneath me as I made him scream my name. No man felt like that before, and I sighed, closing my eyes. I had to get over this and put it behind me. It just wasn’t the right timing for us, and nothing could change about that.
I fell asleep there and woke up with a stiff neck. I rolled my head around as I sat up, too tired to wake up yet. I could work on my jobs later once I felt more like myself.
The days dragged with no sightings of Matt in the class. I knew it was too late to drop a course without any penalty and fell into my seat at the end of my class. If he did drop, I might not even know apart from a failing grade. Why would he do that when this was his major? It had been two weeks now, and I felt guilt wash over me as the idea that he sacrificed his college education to avoid seeing me.
I never intended to sleep with a student. I would never do that on purpose, knowing the consequences. When we met, we were strangers, and it was supposed to be a one-night stand.
I went to visit my family in a couple of weekends. I was missing them and needed some time away from Portland. Matt was a definite drop out from the class, and it felt like such a big room without him there. Even when we weren’t talking, seeing him meant a lot to me. I left the class the Thursday before my road trip and threw my bag into my car. I was leaving tonight and enjoying some quality time at my mom’s house. I was going to eat her food and soak in the love that my family shared.
I was also planning on some alone time at the ocean. There was a beach near Mom’s house that I always used to go to growing up. It wasn’t a surf beach like the ones I frequented in California but more of a thinking place.
“Accept that I don’t want to talk to you. You’re a smart guy.”
Where was this coming from?
“What did I do?” I pressed, and he turned to finish walking to his car. “Fuck. You owe me more than this.”
Peter got into his car and drove away, leaving me staring after him. I would at least like to know what the hell was going on, but I didn’t think that would happen anytime soon.
I walked to my car and thought over the last few days. I hadn’t missed anything we planned, but he did. Why was he so angry at me when he skipped a date? Not that it was a date or even set in stone, but it was what we’d been doing regularly. I looked forward to seeing Peter, particularly after the shit that David pulled. The old me would have just gone home with him. I just knew that I only wanted one man now, and he didn’t seem to want me anymore.
I drove home and faked a smile when I saw my sister sitting on the couch. I heated a plate of food and talked about school with her, making sure the conversation remained casual. I wasn’t ready to tell her any of this and let out a relieved sigh when she headed off to bed. I slumped back against the cushions and closed my eyes, feeling too weary even to make it to my room.
Chapter Nine
Peter
I stayed home and worked when I wasn’t at school. If I wasn’t working one of my jobs, I was working out hard or passed out due to exhaustion in my bed.
This thing with Matt was messing with me. He was the first man I considered getting serious with for a long time, and it came with risks. I’d been willing to wait until we didn’t have the dangerous connection between teacher and student to see where it went.
Then I saw him kissing that man by the bar. It reminded me of our first kiss and how hot it was, but it seemed easy for Matt to give that part of himself away. I couldn’t deal with that shit again and barely looked at him in class every day that I saw him. He did the same, and the rift between us widened with every day we pretended the other didn’t exist.
I saw him with the same guy on the campus a couple of times, but they weren’t locked at the lips this time. It appeared as though they were fighting, and I bitterly thought that it must be a lover’s quarrel. I looked away each time they kept walking, barely nodding at people I knew along the way. I knew I was acting like an asshole, but I couldn’t help it.
“What’s wrong with you?” My sister sounded annoyed when I called that night, and I sighed.
“Nothing, Lace.” I knew she hated the nickname I gave her years ago, and it almost made me smile. “I’m working a lot and tired. I’m trying to keep in shape and everything still. It’s hard.”
“You’ve been doing that since high school. I get that you’re older now and everything, but it can’t be that bad. There’s something more to it. What gives? Is it a guy?”
I nearly choked on the coffee I was sipping but managed to regain my composure, covering it with a cough.
“Who has time for that?” I blew her question off. “I need a real teaching job before I worry about that.”
“You want a teaching job, and I love that about you. Financially, you’re fine.” She was right, but I remained silent. I heard someone in the background and smiled when my mom sang out my name. “Here’s Mom. Cheer up, brat.”
“What’s wrong, Peter?” Mom asked immediately, and I shook my head slowly.
“Nothing. Mom. Just tired. Jenny is just being a jerk to me, as usual.”
“Are you sure?” she pressed, and I smiled.
“I’m fine. How are you doing?” I asked as I sat down on the back balcony that overlooked the city.
“Work is busy, but you know me. I love it.” She was always busy with something, and I was pretty sure that she held the small insurance office that she worked at together all on her own. “I’m also helping your sister out as needed and running my book group.”
“You’re too busy, Mom. You always have been.” I knew that I sounded worried, but I’d always remember the way she crumbled when her parents were gone. I stood by her then and still would.
“You know I love it.” It was the job that pulled her from her dark place, and I appreciated her little family there.
“I do, but I want you to take care of yourself.”
“I want the same for you. I worry about you out there by yourself.” Mom sighed. “Come home for a weekend. I’d love to cook for you and spoil you a little bit. Bring a friend with you so I can see a piece of your life there.”
“I don’t know anyone well enough to ask. Not yet, anyway. I’ll try and get ahead on my side projects and drive out there to see you. I promise.” I thought back to the fleeting idea of asking Matt to join me once all this chaos with the class was over. That was never going to happen now, and I pushed the image of his face out of my mind.
“You’re not dating?” Mom asked, and I scrubbed a hand through my hair.
“Not now. I went out with a couple of people before I got this job. I just want to focus on the future. You know that.”
“You deserve someone good, Peter. He wasn’t right for you.” She sounded stressed when she referred to the ex who broke my heart.
“I know, Mom. That’s not it. I’m just thinking about my future as a teacher right now.” We chatted for a little while longer, and I promised that I’d visit soon before hanging up. I stared through the dark sky to the lights of the Portland buildings as I shivered. I stood to head inside, planning to work on a project before bed.
In addition to thinking about Matt, I was worried about my mom. I knew deep down that she was doing great, but I’d never forgotten the period when she was so broken. I didn’t think I’d get her back. With a lot of therapy and her willingness to take every step to be able to cope with things, Mom was doing so much better now.
I stared at my ceiling later that night, thinking over everything. I figured I could see my family in a couple of weeks. I’d go for Thanksgiving and Christmas anyway, but that seemed too far off. I sighed and turned to my side, feeling the coolness of the empty bed, and I curled up.
I wanted Matt here. I wanted to have him every way possible in my bed, but I also wanted to just talk to him. I wanted to laugh with him. I knew that I could find another guy for a casual fling, but I didn’t want that any longer. I wanted Matt.
I finally fell asleep and was glad to have the next day off from teaching. I woke up later in the morning and poured coffee before warming up my laptop to check emails. I glanced at my phone to see that there was a voice mail and pushed my hair back before checking it.
I dropped the phone to the table after I finished with the message. Everything was shifting now, and choices needed to be made. I leaned back in my chair and thought about the dream I’d been holding onto for years versus something I never thought I’d want. I needed to decide, and I reached for my coffee as I let out a slow breath.
Fuck. I thought of who to call to talk to about this and came up with nothing. Nobody knew about my real life here and now was not the time to bring it up. Mom and Jenny already worried about me, and I wanted them to think that everything was fine.
I went for a long run, blasting music into one ear as I thought about how to handle my new situation. I ran for miles, sweating as I kept my running steady and not stopping. I was going to hurt after this, but I needed to make up my mind.
I was panting when I ran up to the coffee shop. I stood outside for a moment to catch my breath and wiped at my brow with the towel. I wanted some water and an iced coffee before I went home. Opening the door, I made my way to the counter and reached into my pocket for the money that I always brought along. I placed my order and handed a bill over, sticking a couple of dollars into the tip jar before going to wait for my drinks.
I remembered the last time I was here. It was when I saw Matt and my world crashed around me. I couldn’t do anything but leave, and now I knew that was the best choice. I glanced behind me at the tables, seeing that Matt was here, but his back was to me. He had some books on the table in front of him, and a guy was sitting across the table and laughing about something. It was someone different than the guy from the bar, and it made me realize that Matt would be snatched up before long. I pushed him away, and I was going to choose to set that decision in stone now. I heard my name, and Matt turned his head to look toward me as I reached for the bottle of water and the coffee. I walked to the door without another glance in Matt’s direction, turning to walk toward my house.
I called my mom and sister, and they were happy with my new job. They were thrilled. I acted like I was as well and said all the right things about obtaining my dream. I ended the call and, while in bed, stared at the ceiling as I second-guessed myself.
I woke up after a fitful sleep and drank coffee as I got ready. I dressed in slacks and a white button-up shirt, slipping a slightly dressier blazer over the ensemble. I ran a hand through my hair and poured more coffee before leaving to go to the campus.
I entered the classroom and walked right to the front, looking around slowly. I wanted to feel happy about this, and I breathed in, forcing positivity into my head. I set my coffee down and turned to face the class as they settled in for the morning.
“Good morning.” I weakly smiled as I looked everywhere but at Matt. “I have some news.” I cleared my throat. “Unfortunately, your teacher won’t be returning to Oregon for several months, if not longer. They offered me the position, and I took it. It looks like I’m your professor now. I look forward to finishing the semester with you.” I caught a glimpse of Matt’s shocked face and looked away, feeling a rush of emotions that nearly finished me off.
I regained my composure and started the lesson for the day. I was going to plan through the next few weeks and be prepared to impress. This job would lead to others down the line, so I needed to show everyone that I was ready for this.
I finished the class and smiled at the students who welcomed me to the job. I could see that some were sad about losing the woman that taught them before me and appreciated that. I also noticed the way some of the girls looked at me, finding it hard not to shake my head at them. I was their official fucking teacher, and it didn’t look like they cared one bit. I saw that Matt was one of the first to leave without any eye contact and told myself that this pain would fade.
I was going to have to take it day by day, but I’d make it.
Chapter Ten
Matt
I ran into the fresh air from class, gasping for breath. Peter’s announcement sent a shock through my system, and I leaned against the wall of the building.
He was my professor now, officially. I was going to miss Professor Davenport and was sorry that her situation was that grave, but Peter was out of my life now. He was living the dream that he was pursuing, and I was left behind.
It’s not like we were anything to each other anymore. He pushed me away before taking this job, so it must not be a big deal to him now. Still, I thought about the strained smile on his face as he made the announcement. Was he happy?
I pushed away from the wall and headed to my next class, calming down as I walked across campus. I needed to let this go now and just be done with it. I saw Jake ahead of me, smiling and waving, and I grinned at him. Why not jump back in with him?
***
“What the hell is going on with you?” Dahlia asked me that weekend as I drank coffee at the table. I barely slept the night before after the days with Peter being my professor. It wasn’t getting easier. I had plans with Jake tonight, but my heart wasn’t in it, even if I spent Thursday night drinking and dancing with him. We kissed, but I didn’t go home with him, and I was over David.
“It was a long week,” I told her as I tried to act relaxed.
“What else? Is it because you were out all night this week?’ My sister placed her hands on her hips and shot me a challenging look. “You said you were done with that.”
“I’m still a young guy, Dahlia. I’m going to go out and have some fun sometimes.” I reminded her as she clenched her fists.
“It’s different. You were happy for a while. You were gone a lot, but it felt like you were involved in something good for you. I thought you might even be dating someone and just holding it back from me. Now, I think you’re back to being a careless party boy again.”
I scoffed at her and scrubbed my hand through my hair. “I’m not dating anyone, sis. I never would. I’m just letting loose here and there. Nothing more.”
“I saw something different in you, Matt. Your eyes were sparkling, and you’d smile more, almost to yourself. I liked it because you always act like nothing gets to you. Something has to some time or someone.” She was looking at me with genuine worry in her eyes, and I jumped as she threw herself at me. “I love you, Matt. I just want you happy.”
“I know, sweet girl. I want the same for you.” We embraced hard for a long moment, and I felt something breaking in my sister. She was strong on the outside, but I suspected that she was lonely inside, and maybe even hurt. She gave her heart and soul to Brady, and he crushed her.
“I’ll calm down if you bring your walls down. Just a little to start with?” I knew that the bar scene wasn’t for me, to begin with, and I needed to figure myself out.
“Deal.” Dahlia sniffled, and I chuckled as I tugged on her hair the way I did when we were kids. We parted and sat on the couch to sip coffee and watch some movies, just talking like we did when things weren’t tense between us. I felt a little better, and we went out to eat and saw a movie before coming home.
When I was alone in my room, and under my covers, it hit me. I missed Peter. I missed laughing with him and eating with him. I miss the way he made me want to give him complete control of my body. I missed it all, and my heart ached as I realized that he chose his job over me. I don’t know who the hell I was to expect him not to, but I thought he might go to a different campus, at the very least.
I sighed and turned to my side, trying to focus on the book that was playing over the speaker in my room. I tried to listen to a book or a podcast to wind down at night if I didn’t exhaust myself studying or drinking. It usually worked, but I was on edge tonight and turned to the other side.
The next day I had design class, and I paused in front of the building. I could skip the course today and maybe even drop it. I could take it next semester with the hopes that Peter wouldn’t be teaching here any longer. I had another few months here and was caught up on everything else.
I stared at the door as students pushed their way in and out. I never dropped classes and always tried to do my best. I was a smart guy and enjoyed learning. I had plans for my future. Would changing one class change all of that?
The space around me quieted as everyone seemed to be in their respective classes. I wasn’t in mine, and I swallowed the lump in my throat. I was okay with this, and I tugged my backpack further up my shoulder before going to get some coffee. I’d figure this out and get my degree. Peter wasn’t going to ruin that for me, but I just couldn’t deal with him right now.
I needed to heal.
Chapter Eleven
Peter
I looked over the class and noticed that Matt’s seat was empty. He wasn’t one to be late, and I checked the closed door, half expecting it to open. He was probably just sick. It was nothing.
I moved through the lesson and appreciated the enthusiasm of the class as much as I could. They seemed to take to the change in instructors well, despite how much I heard they all loved their former teacher. A few of the students seemed to like it a little too much, and I brushed off the admiration in some eyes as they met my gaze. I was not going to make that mistake again.
I left campus when I was done and walked to my car, looking around the school. I knew that I was looking for Matt but would never admit that to myself. I unlocked my car and slipped inside, realizing that I didn’t even know where Matt lived. I never went to his place. I could access the records in my new office to find out, but what was the point in that? We ended when I took this job.
I went home and worked on a couple of projects, bouncing back and forth between the two. The work distracted me as did a phone call back home after dinner. In my downtime, as I watched a sports show, I felt the emptiness of my apartment.
I missed Matt’s laugh and his scent. I missed feeling him underneath me as I made him scream my name. No man felt like that before, and I sighed, closing my eyes. I had to get over this and put it behind me. It just wasn’t the right timing for us, and nothing could change about that.
I fell asleep there and woke up with a stiff neck. I rolled my head around as I sat up, too tired to wake up yet. I could work on my jobs later once I felt more like myself.
The days dragged with no sightings of Matt in the class. I knew it was too late to drop a course without any penalty and fell into my seat at the end of my class. If he did drop, I might not even know apart from a failing grade. Why would he do that when this was his major? It had been two weeks now, and I felt guilt wash over me as the idea that he sacrificed his college education to avoid seeing me.
I never intended to sleep with a student. I would never do that on purpose, knowing the consequences. When we met, we were strangers, and it was supposed to be a one-night stand.
I went to visit my family in a couple of weekends. I was missing them and needed some time away from Portland. Matt was a definite drop out from the class, and it felt like such a big room without him there. Even when we weren’t talking, seeing him meant a lot to me. I left the class the Thursday before my road trip and threw my bag into my car. I was leaving tonight and enjoying some quality time at my mom’s house. I was going to eat her food and soak in the love that my family shared.
I was also planning on some alone time at the ocean. There was a beach near Mom’s house that I always used to go to growing up. It wasn’t a surf beach like the ones I frequented in California but more of a thinking place.
