Secret Desire, page 4
“Usual time.” I stood and left with eyes watching me. I shouldn’t be continuing this, but I only had a few weeks of subbing. I could move on to another school and possibly pursue something with Matt down the line. I headed to my office to finish up some work for the class and considered getting dinner on the way home. We could make this more of a date, and I could see where he was with us. I was fucked up over it and should probably walk away. He’d graduate and live his life, and I’d settle into my chosen career.
I ran some errands and showered when I arrived home. I ordered Indian food for take-out and plated it as I heard a tap on my door. I walked over and opened it, smiling at Matt. He’d dressed in dark jeans and a white button-up shirt. “You look good.”
“Thanks. Is that dinner I smell?” he asked as he took in my similar outfit.
“I ordered Indian. Is that good for you?” I asked, and he nodded as I stepped aside to let him in.
“Perfect. I worked out for a while after school today. I’m starving.” I still heard the curiosity in his voice and let out a sigh.
“Look, I asked you here tonight because… I missed you last night. I missed us. I realized that we’d been getting into a pattern of spending Wednesday nights together, and I guess I wanted to step back. I was wrong.” I reached out for his hand and stopped him from walking away. Matt turned to face me, and our eyes locked.
“I missed you. I didn’t go out last night. I also didn’t sleep.” Matt stepped toward me, and I reached out to pull him close to me. Our lips met in a fiery kiss, and I moaned as my body came alive.
We stumbled across the room to the couch, pulling at clothing along the way. I shoved Matt on the cushion and dropped over him to take him into my mouth once his pants were down.
“Fuck.” He groaned as he rocked into me. I sucked for a long moment before pulling away. “Are you fucking anyone else?”
“What?” Matt asked in shock as he looked at me. “No.”
“I don’t want you to. You’re mine.” I licked his tip slowly as he murmured an agreement. I bobbed over him, feeling him harden as he gripped my hair. I was generally into control, but tonight, I greedily swallowed as he shot deep into my throat. I pulled away and stared at Matt, limp on the couch. “You’re mine.”
“What does this even mean?’ Matt asked in a husky voice as I moved to lean against the cushion beside me.
“I figure I’ll be done with the class soon. She’s bound to come home, and then I can move on.” I stood and sauntered to the fridge to get us some beers.
“Move on to what?” Matt asked as I sat down again and set a beer on the table beside him, already open.
“To my career. I can get something at another school so we can move forward with this.” I watched as he sat up slowly, kicking off his pants to the floor.
“Thanks for the beer.” He took a long pull from the bottle and then gazed at me. “Are you telling me that you want a relationship?”
“I’d like to leave this house with you eventually. I want to date you properly.” I scrubbed back my hair. “I want to go to your place.”
“My place?” Matt asked as his face flushed. “I have a roommate. It’s smaller than this. You’re not missing anything.” I wanted to know more about the girl and if she was his roommate. I wanted to know what she was to him. I wanted to know what the fuck I was so jealous about. “Where did this come from, Peter?”
“I want more when we can have it.” I felt like I was repeating myself, and he nodded slowly. “I got dinner so it could be like a date, and we could talk as much as we fuck.”
“Romantic,” Matt stated as he looked past me to the kitchen. “Let’s not let dinner go to waste.”
We dressed and went to the table to eat, quiet for the first few moments of the meal. He seemed to be thinking deeply, and I wondered what Matt thought about my idea. Matt stabbed a piece of chicken and chewed it slowly before looking at me.
“Are you sleeping with anyone else? We did meet at a bar,” Matt asked, with obvious nervousness in his voice.
“No. That’s not my norm. I was new here and wanted to go out.” I set my fork down and reached for my beer. “It was supposed to be sex. I wasn’t supposed to be your fucking sub in college. I didn’t even think I’d see you again.”
“I was surprised to see you. It was like a slap in the face after not being able to stop thinking about you. Our night together was incredible,” Matt confessed, and I nodded.
“I’m subbing. I’m not permanent. That has to make the rules different,” I assured him as he pushed his plate away.
“Let’s wash these up and put the food away.” Matt took both plates, and I stood to follow him to the kitchen. We settled the leftovers in the fridge and set the dishes in a rack to dry when we finished.
“Why the hell did I enjoy that with you so much?”
“It’s pretty domestic. I liked it, too.” I smiled, and we gazed at each other. “Let’s watch a movie or something.”
We did that in my bed, forgetting all about what was playing on the screen before too long. I watched as he fell asleep in my arms, excited about our future, one that I never wanted with a man before.
He woke up and went home to shower after a lengthy kiss. I did the same, planning to complete a few projects throughout the morning. I also checked on a few teaching jobs, but nothing was open. I’d have to wait and see what happened and keep working two part-time jobs for the time being.
I wasn’t planning to see Matt until the weekend, so I had time to get things done at home. I visited my mom as much as I could to help her out at the house since my brother lived in Idaho with his wife and daughter. My mother was getting older and slowing down some. She hated every moment of it, but I went over in a cheerful mood to keep everything light. I was grateful that she could still cook my favorite meals and that we talked over dinner just like we used to. I also spent twice as much time at the gym to keep the extra weight off.
By the time the week was over, I needed a night out with drinks. Several friends from school still lived here, and we arranged to meet at a sports bar for a beer. We needed to catch up, and I told myself that I could hang out with Matt tomorrow.
My friends knew that I was gay, but it wasn’t a big deal. I didn’t go into detail about it, particularly regarding Matt. There wasn’t anything wrong with it in their eyes, but I was concerned about it getting out. I just gave them the impression that I was casually dating a few people. They were all straight men hitting the bar scene apart from my buddy Ryan. He was newly engaged and planning a summer wedding the following year. I watched as he talked about his fiancée Amy and he looked happy.
We finished the night with a meal at the corner diner, and then some of the guys got cars home. I chose to walk and headed down the street as I let my thoughts drift to Matt. I wondered what he was doing and turned the corner near the club where we met, glancing toward the door. I paused when I noticed Matt leaving the bar with a guy behind him. It looked as though the guy was talking to Matt and stepped against the wall as Matt turned to face him.
They seemed to be arguing for a moment before the guy grabbed Matt to kiss him. My heart dropped as it seemed as though Matt wasn’t pushing him away, and I sucked in my breath as I turned around. I headed the opposite way of my condo, choosing to take a roundabout way there.
I had a boyfriend back in my first year of college. We were as serious as I had been with anybody then, and it hurt when we split up. I caught him cheating and ended it immediately. I knew that I built some walls since then, and Matt was the first person who was even close to making me change my mind.
Now he was moving on to someone else without a word to me. I tried to make it clear that I wanted him for just myself, but it didn’t work. I pushed away from the hurt that was threatening to break me and blinked as I turned right to catch the next main street.
I was angry when I arrived home, but the only cure in sight was the bottle of Jack Daniels that was on my counter. I didn’t drink it too much but needed it tonight, grabbing it and taking it to my room. I stripped out of my clothes and pulled on some loose shorts before sitting against my pillows. I opened the bottle and took a long drink, closing my eyes.
Chapter Eight
Matt
I left the club and David behind, stomping home. I was just there to hang out with friends, and he had to come in and try to rekindle the nearly unforgettable single night we shared. Hell, I didn’t even stay the night. I left after the mediocre sex.
What he was doing at the club at all was beyond me. He kissed me outside out of desperation, and it made me sick. I only wanted Peter now and for as long as I could have him. No man had ever meant that much to me. I considered going to his condo, but it was late, and I could handle that tomorrow.
I walked into my apartment and glanced around the darkened living room. The television was on, and I saw Dahlia sleeping on the couch. I smiled and covered her with a blanket before grabbing water and heading to bed.
I thought back to David and considered that casual sex was something I was ready to put behind me. I told Peter that I would only be with him, and now I knew that I meant it. I stripped off my clothes and pulled shorts on before collapsing on my pillows. I was so tired and happy that it was Friday. I could see Peter tomorrow and explain my feelings.
I woke up mid-morning and stretched before reaching for my phone on the table beside the bed. I assumed that Peter might have contacted me about tonight since he was an early riser, but there was nothing.
I made myself get up and go find my sister who was sitting at the table with her laptop. “Thanks for covering me last night. I passed out doing some reading.”
“No worries.” I smiled and poured a cup of coffee, checking to make sure that she had one. I joined her at the table as she looked me over.
“How was last night?” Dahlia asked as I smirked at her. I could pull the usual front, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted that.
“The usual shit.” I sipped my coffee as I decided how much further to go with this. “I think I’m outgrowing the bar scene.”
“It’s about time.” She placed her hand over her heart, and I laughed at her.
“I’m not getting married, sis. I just might slow down some. Calm yourself.” I shook my head and gazed out of the window at the buildings of the city.
“Well, we’re one step closer to you settling down. I’ll choose to think that way.” Dahlia seemed pleased with herself as she glanced at her monitor.
“I’ll do it when you do.”
She frowned as I took another drink, her eyes darkening with my push.
“I want to concentrate on school. There’s plenty of time for that.”
“They all won’t be like him, sis,” I told her, covering her hand with mine as she stared at me. “I know I’ve never been serious with anyone like that. I don’t get it.” I knew how I’d feel if I caught Peter with someone else, but I pushed that aside. “I want you to move forward. Someone out there deserves a girl like you.”
“Oh, Matt.” Dahlia wiped at her shimmering eyes. “That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”
“Jesus, Dahlia. There has to be something else.” I pretended to be hurt, and she laughed as she started to cry. “You never talked about him too much to me.”
“I just felt so stupid. We were okay, or so I thought. He was talking about trying to make it work once I moved, and I believed it. I thought that he loved me like I did him. Catching him with Cindy broke me. I just haven’t wanted to let anyone in.” She stared past me as pain flashed across her face. “I didn’t talk much about him.”
“He was just an asshole. He never deserved you, but you moved on. You are doing great in school, but you need to allow more in your life. Even going out with friends here and there would be something. I know you have some, right?” Dahlia glared at me.
“Of course. I just don’t go to bars and stuff.”
“You can go out to eat, the coast, and all over the state. That’s just a few ideas. Why don’t we plan a trip to the coast on a long weekend? Maybe get a group together.”
“Is there anyone you have in mind?” Dahlia pressed, and I wondered if it was written all over my face that I secretly did.
“Not so much. I think it would be great to rent a place on the beach and relax. We haven’t done that since we first got here.” Our family came, and we spent a week in Bandon at a beachfront house. It was great even if Dahlia was quietly nursing her broken heart.
“Yeah. We should look into that. We might be working before you know it and not have time.” She seemed to agree, and I grinned.
“We could do it; ask the family back for that when Rayna has some time off.” That made her smile. We both missed home, but it was nice to have our own space. Portland was fantastic, and I enjoyed it thoroughly. I just wanted my sister to do the same thing and thought of ways to get her out of the house.
***
I still hadn’t heard from Peter by the late afternoon. This wasn’t like him, and I sent him a message to see if he was okay. I got nothing for a response and decided to go to the gym and deal with it when I came home.
There was still nothing when I arrived back at the apartment, but I knew he read my message. I sent another one, needing to know what was going on. This could be nothing, but it felt like something was off. I took a shower and joined Dahlia in the living room, trying not to let Peter affect me. She had a movie on and was sipping tea as she took a break from studying. She already looked more relaxed, and I weakly smiled as I settled against the cushions.
“What’s wrong?” Dahlia looked at me, and I forced a smile to my face.
“Nothing. Just beat from the gym.” I shrugged her question off as she stared at me. My sister knew me well as my twin, and it was going to be a struggle to stay neutral as I waited for Peter to get back to me.
Dahlia noticed my absences, but I played it off to be one-offs with guys or told her I stayed with a friend closer to the bar. I didn’t know what I’d say to her when I went back to Peter’s, but I would figure it out.
I woke up later that night in the dark with Dahlia sound asleep beside me. Looking around, I noticed the infomercials on the television and realized it was late. I grabbed my phone and felt the lump in my throat as I saw that Peter never got back to me.
“What the fuck is going on?” I softly asked as I tried to think through my muddy thoughts. I looked at my sister and covered her before going to bed, considering texting or calling right now.
Looking at the time on my screen, I realized that it was three in the morning. I’d call tomorrow and find out what was going on. If that didn’t work and I didn’t end up over there, I would see him at school. I slipped my shorts off and closed my eyes as I rested against my pile of pillows. I missed sleeping beside Peter and stretched my arms across the cool sheets.
I woke up late and sighed as I realized that Peter had not contacted me. I didn’t usually spend Sunday nights there with school the following day, so I didn’t expect an invite. I went for coffee and saw that my sister was gone. I allowed my scowl to take over my face as I wondered what to do. We weren’t seriously dating or even publicly open. We seemed to be exclusive as far as sex, but he might have changed his mind about that.
I knew why I avoided relationships as the day dragged on. They were complicated and draining, and I joined Dahlia in a movie marathon on the couch as numbness took over the thoughts hammering my brain. I slipped into it, not wanting to think about anything until I had to leave for school in the morning. Dahlia looked at me a few times but didn’t press as we ordered Thai take out for dinner. I went to bed just after nine, wanting sleep and the chance to wake up in a better frame of mind.
I showered and dressed for class, tugging a hat over my messy hair. I went to campus for coffee, and my eyes searched the school for Peter as I took my first sip. I felt like I was a rubber band about to snap and breathed in the cold air to calm myself down. I headed to class in a daze, smiling vaguely at friends who greeted me. I was a hot mess inside and hated it. I longed to walk away from Peter and make a clean break.
Why did he fucking teach my class?
I got through my classes and decided to get some coffee and do homework at a cafe. I couldn’t deal with my sister today. I ordered a large coffee and chose a table in the back. I opened my book to take notes and stared at my phone, ignoring messages from my friends and sister. I wanted it to be Peter reaching out. I needed him.
No. I didn’t need anybody. I needed to be happy alone and keep everything casual with guys. I wanted to have fun. It was so ironic that I had to fall for my teacher. It was such a cliché. I hoped that Professor Davenport would be back soon, and life would get back to normal.
I managed to stay at the cafe for a couple of hours, but studying didn’t happen. I just thought about various scenarios in my head and grew more frustrated. I was starting to pack my things up when I glanced at the door to see Peter entering. He was looking at his phone, and I stared at him, taking in the handsome face that I missed so much.
He lifted his eyes as he approached the counter, but I was out of his direct line of sight. I watched as Peter ordered and moved to the end of the counter to wait for his drink. I knew he was okay now, so that was good. He nodded when they called his name and turned to look the room over for a table, meeting my gaze. Peter narrowed his eyes and said something to the girl behind the counter before turning to leave.
“Peter, wait!” I called out as I grabbed my bag and rushed toward the door. It was stupid and would draw a lot of attention to us that we didn’t need. I didn’t care. I pushed through the door after him and looked to the right to see him headed to his car. “Wait!”
Peter looked around and then at me with disgust in his eyes. “You’re a fool to chase me down like this. Don’t you realize where we are?” His voice was low and cold as I stopped before him, and I backed away a step.
