Lessons In Grey: Shadows of Sin, page 20
Grey stepped back and gestured for me to go, his breath slightly labored.
My cheeks burned brightly, and I quickly stepped into the place, the onslaught of emotions, the nothing I had felt in the car, the anger from this morning, it all faded away as I took it all in.
It was an open floor plan. Distressed, dark wood floors, an old granite kitchen with appliances that had all the character in the world, and a huge living room.
There was a balcony on the far side, exposed old red brick everywhere, windows so big, I would never miss a moment of sunshine.
It was already filled with furniture that matched the energy that already filled the area. My room was to my right, furnished with a beautiful bed set, black and neon green bed spread with furry neon pillows, fairy lights, plants, mirrors, and a gray shag carpet.
I sucked in my lips as I moved on to the bathroom. It was enormous too, just like every other room, but it had been updated. The shower was open, just a drain in the middle of where the water fell, the entire area lined in river stone and large rocks pressed into the wall. A rainfall showerhead. There was even a clawfoot tub. God, it was perfect.
I turned away from the bathroom towards the balcony. There was a large wooden table with wrought iron backed chairs just under an old, industrial chandelier right before the sliding glass doors.
I ran my fingers along the old chairs on my way to the doors before flinging them open and taking in the view of the city skyline.
God, the nuns had it good here.
I walked up to the metal railing, just one thick bar across the enclosed brick, and wrapped a hand around it, letting the chilling breeze of the upcoming winter kiss my skin painfully. I closed my eyes, wanting that wind to seep into every orifice of me, curl around every bad thing, and pull it out, no matter how painful.
Charlie would have loved it here. She would have said it was just like me.
I stayed out there until my fingers numbed before turning back to the doors and stepping through, the heat of the room instantly making me shiver.
They had piled everything in one corner, Grey was putting the small shoebox I had left in the car on one stack as I took in the room. It was absolutely perfect, but there was one thing that would make it better. One small little thing. “I want to decorate for Christmas.”
Grey turned from the stack, Ash and Syn turning from the kitchen, each of them drinking a bottle of water.
Ash looked concerned and exhausted. “Tonight?”
I shook my head as I shut the doors behind me. “Tomorrow, I guess. I don’t feel like going to classes.” My grades were good, I could miss one day, that would be fine. I had to make it fine. I wanted to break that panic I felt every time I even thought about skipping a day of school, and what better way to do it than going Christmas shopping?
I looked around the room at the high ceilings, imagining the tree I could fit in here. “I want to get colorful lights and nutcrackers, lots of nutcrackers,” I decided, finding her eyes. “And Santa and his reindeer everywhere. I want the tree to be red and gold and covered in skulls with an antler as the tree topper.”
Her smile widened. “Damn, I love that. We’re done bringing everything up. Did you want us to stay?” Her eyes flicked to Grey and back suggestively.
My cheeks burned. “Um…”
“She’s going to go take a bath,” I heard Grey say, pulling our attention over.
His eyes were soft, his hands in his pockets, both jackets long since taken off. “You need a bath. The place is fully stocked, everything you need is in the cupboard, and there is a speaker in there you can connect too. Aptly named ‘bathroom’. Go, We’ll be here.”
I chewed on my lip, glancing back to Ash and Syn, who both seemed to be agreeing with him.
“He’s right, Em,” Ash confirmed. “Go, if we don’t see you tonight, we’ll see you tomorrow, but you should go. You deserve it.”
After another moment of hesitation, I resigned, nodding. “Okay.” A bath did sound good. “Make yourselves at home if you want,” I told them, heading for my bedroom, slowing when I neared Grey. “If I don’t see you tonight, I’ll see you in the morning.”
Grey took my hand and lifted my palm to his lips, kissing it softly. “Relax and enjoy.”
I nodded, feeling lightheaded at the look in his eyes. “Thank you.”
He smiled, folding my hand closed. “I would do absolutely anything for you, Snowflake.”
It took me several seconds to break away from his intense stare and head for my room.
I grabbed a pair of leggings and an oversized sweater from the duffle.
When I headed for the bathroom, I looked over to the couch, seeing them all sitting there, starting the first Harry Potter movie.
Ash and Syn were nearly sitting on top of each other, being as cute as they could be while Grey sat at the other end of the couch, holding the remote.
I was in a new place. I was out. No more psychological torture, no more being blamed for things out of my control. No more listening to my dad make backhanded comments about how I would never be like Charlie. I was out.
I stepped into the bathroom and got the water running. I connected my phone to the Bluetooth and searched the cupboard, smiling when I found everything exactly where Grey had put it.
Bath bombs as black as night. Black and neon towels, neon bath salts. It was as if the city clubs and thrown up all over my things. Two months. Two months and he had figured out my absolutely unhinged style. A style that didn’t make sense, a style that I really didn’t even intend to have.
And in the very back of the cupboard, behind the bag of salts and soaps, there was a little paper rose just waiting to be found.
My eyes burned as I reached for a bath bomb. Fuck, he was consuming me.
I tossed some salts in, the bomb, some soap, and watched as the neon and black suds of the bomb bubbled and boiled like a witch’s brew.
Just absolutely perfect.
It took me 15 minutes to get out of my sling, my clothes, my wraps. I washed my face with the charcoal scrub, brushed my teeth thoroughly, and finally slid into the scalding water as the music drifted around me lovingly.
I closed my eyes and sank down to my chin, trying to relax my muscles, forcing the sizzling of the concoction to take away the pain, the hurt; physical and mental.
My entire home was safe now.
Halfway out of the dark.
The world turned around me as the music seeped into my soul. Tears dripped down my cheeks as the reality of everything drifted through me in the same way the air whistled through the city streets. Charlie said once that healing wasn’t all at once. It was a collaboration of events that happened over a course of years, and sometimes those events were few and far between.
It was her, not Rachel or mom or some counselor at school, but Charlie, who told me that I was never going to heal fully. Ever. I was never going to be like the normal people. I was always going to be fighting this…this…darkness in my head, this emptiness. But what could happen, what was very real and possible, was having the moments that made me realize that maybe I wasn’t as damaged as I had been before.
She told me that there would come a day when I was in the middle of laughing so hard that tears were rolling down my face, and I would be surrounded by good people, and I would realize, in that moment, that it had been a long time since I had cried out of pain or sadness.
Right now, I had no idea if that day would ever come. It seemed impossible, but maybe not as impossible as it used to be.
MGK’s song Twin Flame came on and I found myself singing the lyrics as I tried to force the feelings of the new to swim over me. Grey, Ash, and Syn were in there watching Harry Potter in my new place that overlooked a different part of the city.
I was far away from that neighborhood, from the memories of pain and joy. This was my new start. This had to be my new start.
When the water was ice cold, I finally decided to get out of the bath.
My muscles felt far better, my arm hurt far less, and my limp had eased. I was grateful that I had taken the bath. I had needed it far more than I knew.
I ran my fingers through my damp hair after pulling on my clothes, and I finally shut off the music, heading for the living room.
When I opened the door, however, I found the room dark, the television was off, and the sun had set.
I gripped my phone in my hand and padded softly towards the balcony. I must have been in there for hours. Shit. What a terrible host. They deserved a break though, they needed it.
I set my phone on the table and looked out the balcony doors, taking in the glittering city lights. It still hadn’t snowed yet, but God, I couldn’t wait until it did. From this view? It would be so beautiful.
I inhaled deeply, wrapping my arms around myself. I had to get used to this. Being physically alone now. Everything was so quiet here; I wasn’t even sure if I would be able to sleep tonight. Jordan would know by now that I had left. He would be so angry. He would find that his c4 had been removed.
God, how did he even get his hands on that shit? Who was just going around selling c4 to strangers?
With a huff, I turned around, a scream ripping from my throat almost immediately.
Grey held up his hands, a dish towel over one shoulder, worry in his eyes.
I grabbed my chest, grabbing onto the back of a chair to steady myself as I tried to catch my breath.
“Sorry, I was washing dishes, I thought you heard me.”
Jesus Christ.
I glanced towards the sink as I forced myself to straighten. Two scotch glasses, an empty popcorn bowl, and a small candy dish. My brows furrowed as I turned back to him. “You didn’t drink?”
He pulled the dish towel off, dried his hands, and placed it on the counter. “You’re my vice, baby, I don’t need anything else.”
Shit.
Breathless, I glanced to the elevator and back. “I took too long—”
“They were so happy,” he smiled, “but they had to get home so they wouldn’t miss class tomorrow. Do you know how often they’ve skipped? I’m shocked their credits still count.”
“They go out on ‘day-dates’,” I explained, rubbing my arm. “Ash said too many people go on dates at night that they wanted to go during the day to make up for the crowds.”
He smiled softly. “It’s a good plan in theory, I just don’t want them having to redo their last year of college.”
They wouldn’t. They were both excelling in their classes so their professors were more lenient. “You have a class to get to in the morning too,” I reminded him.
He shrugged, walking over. “I don’t mind being tired.” His eyes trailed over me slowly, making me squirm under the heat of it as they worked their way back up until they finally found mine. “Did you enjoy your bath?”
I turned, leaning back against the table to give my leg some rest. “I definitely needed it.”
He came to a stop before me, his eyes hooded. “Good.”
Shit, I could barely breathe. My mouth was going dry, my hands were digging into my arms. Could he finally see what he had been waiting for? And if he did, what had it been? Me moving out? No, it wasn’t that simple, it had to have been something else. Something deeper.
God, would it even be right? I felt like nothing had stopped in years. Like I had been looking down the barrel of a loaded gun and now it was unloaded, and I had no idea what came next. What was supposed to come next?
My heart slammed as the panic rose. “You heard what my dad said, Grey, and this…this thing in my head, it won’t just go away. It’s here. This is what it’ll be like forever.”
He nodded, his eyes falling to my lips. “Then let me take care of you.”
I released a breath as he took another step forward, sliding one hand across my cheek, his fingers teasing my hairline. “It’s not easy. It’s going to be very, very hard, some nights it’ll be impossible.” I needed him to hear it. I needed to know that he heard me say it.
He slid his other hand around my hip, his fingers sliding teasingly under the hem of my sweatshirt, his thighs pressing against mine, his hips. Everywhere his body touched set mine on fire. My stomach was flooding with warmth, arousal spreading between my thighs. Fuck, I needed him.
“Is that why you stayed?” he asked, his voice low, worried. “Because you believed that you deserved it?”
I swallowed, my heart thudding, my eyes burning. “They wouldn’t have left if I hadn’t started that fight. If I would have just kept my mouth shut—”
“Emily, listen to me,” he instructed evenly, “it is not your fault.”
“They would have stayed,” I argued, tears slipping down my cheeks. “They wouldn’t have had a need to leave.”
“It’s not your fault.”
I inhaled a shaking breath. “I started shouting. They weren’t listening to me. Mom and dad weren’t listening to me. Charlie, she tried, but they thought she was yelling too.”
“It’s not your fault,” he repeated softly, enunciating each word.
I searched his eyes, unwavering, sure. The belief there was undeniable. “They should have stayed.”
He shook his head. “It wasn’t your fault,” he said again.
I shivered as if my body were physically accepting the words as their own.
I never wanted to grow attached to him. I didn’t. I was afraid. Afraid for so many reasons, but for one in particular. I didn’t need him suffering with me.
But the more time I spent with him, the more I realized that I had been caught in his orbit for a very long time. Maybe since long before we ever met. Maybe since before the world had started.
I shook my head ever so slightly, studying those eyes, my lifeline to this world. “It’s not my fault,” I finally said, something real and tangible shuddering through me.
His thumb caressed my cheekbone. “No, it isn’t.”
I wasn’t sure if I fully believed it yet, but I could feel the seeds being planted. Feel it in my tired and weary soul. “Why was she on your desk again?” I dared.
“She was begging me to show her what I showed the other girls,” he answered without hesitation.
My stomach dropped and I quickly ran my tongue over my suddenly dry lips. “Oh,” was all I managed to say.
“Oh, Emily,” he said on a breath. “There were never any other girls. You ruined me after ten minutes of being in your presence. You’ve ruined me for the rest of my life.”
My breath caught. I swallowed, my heart racing, my mind spinning.
“But I accepted it,” he went on. “I accepted it like a desperate man falling to his knees and accepting God. Fuck,” he snarled. “You’ve ruined me, and I want to ruin you.”
I felt heat pooling in the pit of my stomach, my lips parted, my body suddenly desperate for friction. For his euphoria.
“Do you want to know what I see when I look at you?” he asked, his voice nothing but a mumble of sinister proportion. A threat veiled in deep desire.
I swallowed, my mind whirling, my thoughts slowing. “What?”
“I see divine beauty wrapped in hauntings of a past that still plagues your mind. I see a mind barely explored, one I want to drown in. I see bloodied roses and forgotten haikus. Cracked bowls filled with liquid starless skies. Every second I spend with you, Emily, every second gets me more addicted to the drug that is your presence.
“I used to spend my days teaching people how to work in my world, and I spent my nights finding and killing those who betrayed Malachi, settling scores, never realizing that every road I walked down, every plane I rode, every person I taught or killed, they were all leading me here, to you. To the essence of a dark Christmas.
“You can believe you are hard to love, hard to understand, all you want, and I will spend the rest of my days proving to you how untrue that really is. Emily, you are unspoken lines of tragic poetry wrapped in vines of thorns budding with roses, but I’ve wrapped my hands around blades before, I’ve bled for far lesser things. Let me bleed for you.”
I released a breath, unable to look away from his lips. I could already feel his cock twitching against me, hardening. All I wanted was for him to kiss me. Take advantage of me. Show me that all his words were true. That these last few weeks weren’t just games.
“I see the way you look at me, Emily,” he mumbled, leaning in so slowly, I hadn’t even noticed until his nose brushed mine. “You see so much of me. Fuck, it makes me want to fucking fly. I’m so goddamn addicted to you, and I haven’t even truly tasted you yet.”
I couldn’t breathe. I was trapped somewhere between Grey Navarro and another universe. All I could taste were collapsing galaxies and nebulas made of fire. Maybe that’s what I was. Maybe I was destruction and chaos. Exploding stars and mountains of molten glass on distant planets long since gone and yet to be born.
“Oh, Snowflake,” he mumbled, whispering that name across my parted lips. “I’m going to teach you how to feel again,” he said in a half-growl. “If only so you need my touch as desperately as I need yours.”
His lips crashed into mine, warm and soft, fierce and hungry. Fuck, he was exactly as he described. A drug addict looking for his next fix with the belief that it was somewhere inside of me.
I grabbed onto his shirt as his tongue slid across my lips, mine parting. I needed him. I needed all of him. I needed every ounce of him to fill me up, drown out everything that was me.
His tongue slid across mine, dancing to music I had never tasted before. He was trying to consume every piece of me, running his tongue across my teeth, my lips, tasting me in every way he could.
My mind spun with electric currents as I grabbed his tie, pulling him closer, a moan falling from my lips and into his. I needed him closer. I hopped up onto the edge of the table, Grey immediately filling the space between my legs, his cock rock solid against his pants.
Fuck. I grinded against him, needing any kind of friction, just anything to fill that void.
Grey slid his hand back into my hair, tightening his grip before pulling my head back and meeting my eyes.
We were both panting, his eyes black with lust, his lips swollen. “My fucking euphoria,” he purred before slamming his lips back against mine.
