Lessons In Grey: Shadows of Sin, page 12
The truth was, I had tried to push them all away since that very first day, all except for Remi who I had used to find the sources I needed to find in order to complete my job. But even thinking about fucking her made me want to vomit.
The only person I had been interested in fucking since July 7th was Emily. Only Emily.
But, if I were being honest, part of me did revel in seeing the look in Emily’s eyes, the jealousy. She acted so much like she didn’t care, like her body was lying when it reacted to me, I wanted to prove that she was lying, that there was something more between us.
Knowing that, despite what I had said, those moments had affected her so much, it destroyed a piece of me. “I never meant to rip you apart, Snowflake,” I mumbled, sliding my hand into hers. “Ever.”
A tear dripped into her hairline, her bottom lip trembling. “They are whole, and I am wisps of crumbling spider-webs in the wind. Useless and annoying. An irritant, something to curse at when you’re trying to get to your car.”
I shook my head, half wondering if she would even remember this in the morning. She was so careful about keeping on her mask, I was sure her mind would make her forget this. Forget that, for a moment, she had opened herself up to me. “I don’t want whole, Emily, I want you.”
“I am broken fractals. If I crack my bones and let you in, you will suffer.”
“Then let me suffer,” I pleaded, carefully pushing back her strands of inky black hair. “I would gladly suffer if it meant I could live within you. Our broken fractals are made for each other, baby. We aren’t whole unless we are together.” That’s what she was doing? She was trying to protect me? The last thing I wanted was to be protected from the things that she was made of.
She inhaled a shuddering breath. “People aren’t pieces of puzzles, Grey. I am complicated and fractured. I don’t make sense.”
“Yes, you do. You make sense to me.” I kissed her palm, memorizing the soft, warm skin. Fuck, I could fall into her forever. “Sleep, Snowflake, and dream of a white Christmas.”
13
Emily
October 9th, 2021
The morning was more difficult than I could have ever imagined.
I was groggy and felt half drunk. Everything felt like lead, and my head was pounding.
Somehow, I had ended up in my bed. The best-case scenario was that, in my fucked-up state, I had managed to clean myself up, clean the bathroom, and crash.
However, the little paper rose dipped in blood claimed otherwise.
He had been in my house. In my room. He had been in my bathroom, cleaned everything up, cleaned me up the best he could, put me to bed and as much as I wanted to feel thankful for that, I didn’t want to think or feel or do anything at all.
I went through the motions of taking a scalding shower, wrapped up my arm, put my hair up in a messy bun with a few strands framing my face, pulled on frayed black jeggings, boots, and finally an oversized sweater with a giant red bleeding rose plastered on the front.
On the drive to the campus, I was honestly considering turning around the entire time. I should have. I didn’t have the energy to do anything but sleep, however my grades were already dropping, so I didn’t really have a choice.
The walk from the parking lot to the writing hall felt like an eternity, but I didn’t have the energy to be nervous or afraid or ashamed. I was just existing.
I could remember everything he said to me. Every single word. All of them.
What was I supposed to do with them? Was I supposed to wrap them up inside my empty chest and form them into my heart? I couldn’t do that.
I shouldn’t have to.
But how could I keep on keeping on without thinking back to everything he had said? All of those things he had remembered. Pointless, useless things. Each one something he had used to convince me not to die.
Had I been dying?
Had the goal last night been death or what? That was the only thing I couldn’t remember. What had been my purpose?
I opened the door, my eyes immediately found the desk, found him sitting there alone. His sleeves were pushed up, revealing those stark tattoos and bloodied knuckles.
My throat went dry, and I instantly turned away. Why were his knuckles bloody? I remembered a bunch of loud noises, crashing, shattering. I had thought it had been in my own head because why would he get so angry about what I had done?
And then I remembered, and guilt filled me.
He had lost his father. A gunshot wound.
I had looked up suicides once. Out of morbid curiosity. I had looked up statistics, causes, reasons, everything. All of it, I had gone down so many dark rabbit holes, it had taken me weeks to climb out, and one of the most important distinctions I had learned was that men found violence even in death. Women? They liked to do it, I suppose the best term would be in a quieter way. Pills, slit wrists, something that took them slowly.
Thinking about it now, I suppose some of the research was wrong. I remembered how my wrist had felt last night. Through the haze, the torment, the softness, it had been painful. A sharp throb that was still pulsating now.
Except now I would have to live with what I had done. Now, I would have to face the consequences rather than fading off into oblivion.
Every step up those stairs felt like I was climbing another mountain. I should have just stayed in the first row, but then I’d have to deal with people asking why I was in their seat, and I truly didn’t want to talk about anything at the moment.
Ash met me a few steps down from my row. “Do you know what happened to Prof?”
I shook my head, finally getting to my row. “No idea,” I muttered, making my way to my seat.
“He looks hungover,” she contemplated, taking a seat beside me as I fell into my chair. “Do you think he got into a bar fight last night?”
I leaned back in my chair, lifting my eyes to him, taking in the disarray of his hair, how it fell more into his eyes today, taking in the slightly crumpled shirt, and the way his scabs were hardly healing. He certainly hadn’t taken the time with his hands as he had with my arm. “I don’t know,” I replied, pulling out my notebook and a Redbull.
I could feel her eyes on me as I opened my notebook to the first clean page. Lyrics hadn’t come to me in days. Probably the sleep deprivation, but who honestly knew at this point.
“Don’t you want to go ask if he’s okay?” she finally asked.
I felt the weight pulling me under the surface. Chains with barbed hooks wrapping tightly around my ankles. I shouldn’t have come today, but what was the other option? Lay in bed and stare at the door without blinking, waiting for Jordan to come in and punish me for what my dad had done?
I had even tried buying my own alcohol and sneaking it into the house for him, but he had told dad. He told on me. I think it was just part of his game, but I couldn’t be sure at this point. All I knew for certain was that he hadn’t gone through withdrawals yet, which meant that he was still drinking.
“That’s not my job,” I muttered, my pen hovering above my paper as I willed something to appear in my head. Anything.
The door opened as if Ash had unintentionally summoned the bitch herself.
Cam, Remi, and Katelyn were all giggling until the moment Remi spotted his knuckles.
My eyes inadvertently lifted, and I watched in numb horror as she hurried up the steps and over to his desk.
I wondered what my face looked like now. Was it as empty as it felt or was I glaring at them?
“Oh my God, Greyson, what happened?”
He pulled his hand away and turned to her, such hatred and rage in his eyes, I could feel the heat from here. “If you touch me, I’ll expel you. Sit and gossip in the chairs if you must, but do not come near me.”
Remi straightened, frowning. “What the fuck? How dare you speak to me like that—”
I reached over and cracked open the Redbull, the sound interrupting her bitchy moans.
Everyone turned to me.
I lifted the drink to my lips, gulping down three painful swallows before setting it on the corner of my desk.
Remi sneered. “That is gross. It’s not even 8am yet.”
I held up my middle finger for several seconds before dropping it and turning back to my paper. I had so many horrible secrets about her just locked away in my head, but what would be the point in releasing them? To make her feel as miserable as I did? I didn’t want that. Not even for her.
“Fucking pathetic,” she said, loud enough for everyone to hear.
I heard the click of her heels though, telling me that she was leaving him alone, and although I felt absolutely drained today, I did find a slight bit of peace that I was able to stop her from talking trash on Rags.
Grey.
“Em,” Ash said, leaning in. “Em, you look exhausted. Why don’t we skip class today? We can go to the East Wing, you can sleep.”
I swallowed, contemplating her words, my eyes burning with tears I thought had dried out yesterday. “I’m fine, I have to focus on school.” I was a depressed supposed alcoholic at 24 years of age with a dead mom and a dead twin sister, and I still lived at home. All I had left at this point were my grades. I didn’t even care if I ever made it out if this school alive at this point, I at least needed my grades to be good.
At least then I could claim that I wasn’t a total disappointment.
A minute passed by when my phone chimed. I hadn’t written even a single thing on my page. Words were failing me today.
With a breath, I dropped my pen and reached for my Redbull again, pulling out my phone at the same time.
I hadn’t even brought it to my lips when I saw the name that popped up.
Grey.
My eyes flicked to the stage, finding him concentrating on his work.
Why was he texting me now?
Because he had my number?
Was that what I had to look forward to now? Him texting me out of the blue just because?
I set my can down and stared at his name, my heartbeat picking up ever so slightly. Shit.
Grey: Deep breath
-Your Raggedy Man.
Fuck.
I locked the screen and shoved it away, my eyes lifting back to him. I studied him carefully. He actually did look raggedy today.
Goddammit.
~~~
October 10th, 2021
“…I don’t know. She was…she was always like this, I guess, but not as severe. I mean, she always had bad days. Always. Days when even Charlie couldn’t force her out of bed. I think they happened more often than either of them let on, but when I knew about them, the two of us would climb into her bed and watch television on Charlie’s laptop.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, stiff from sleeping on the cold ground.
I couldn’t remember coming here. I couldn’t really remember much after first hour.
“When Charlie died…” Ash’s voice trailed away, and when she finally started talking again, I could hear the tears in her voice. “Syn’s mom, Beth, she once told me that twins are born different than us. They are hard-wired never to be alone. Since the second they are created until their last days, it’s In their souls never to be alone. Emily was born with her depression, she was always destined to have some level of sadness living within her, but I just…I never imagined that it would end up like this.
“Something inside of her really did shatter, and I know people say that. It’s not so heavy anymore because it’s been saturated everywhere online, but I swear to God, Navarro, I swear, this is something else.”
Rags was quiet for a long time before he spoke, his voice so low, I was sure even the ghosts couldn’t hear him. “Have you ever gone swimming in the ocean at night?”
Ash sniffed. “Um…yeah. Yeah, I have.”
“Okay, so imagine this. Imagine that it’s a cloudy night and you’re having a good time. Not an exceptional one, just a good time with friends. You’re laughing, smiling, swimming, and then all of a sudden you turn around and they’re gone. Every single one of them. Gone. The beach is gone, you can’t even see the lights of the city anymore, you can’t hear the music. You’ve just transported from the beach straight into the black ocean, and it is…so black.
“You’re treading water, and you start to think to yourself ‘it’s okay, I’ve just swam too far out’. So you start swimming. Ten minutes pass, twenty, when thirty drifts by, your panic starts to grow. Your limbs are tired, your chest is tightening, and the memory of the smiles and laughter disappears because all you can think about now is that you’re alone, that nobody knows where you are, and you’re exhausted.
“Eventually, you’ll get so tired, you won’t want to tread water anymore, that’s when it starts to rain. The waves start to get choppy, saltwater splashes in your mouth. You scream but nobody can hear you. You turn around, ready to scream again when you spot this giant wave seconds from crashing down on you, and you know that this is it. You can’t fight it anymore. But what you didn’t see was that the shore had come into view. You were minutes away from being safe. That moment right then, right before that wave hits, that’s where she is. It’s where she’s been for a very long time.”
My eyes burned as I pressed my lips together. I had never heard it described like that, but it felt right. Every word felt right.
Ash released a breath. “She hasn’t smiled in a year, she hasn’t laughed. That night, I lost my second family, all of them, and then you came around and she came to life again. I know that’s a lot of pressure, I understand that, but I’m her best friend, I can’t just let that go.”
“That’s not up to us,” he replied. “Whatever hope you have, whatever ideas, whatever thoughts. It’s not up to us.” He was quiet a moment. “I almost killed her stepbrother in his bed. I should have killed him,” he confessed, his tone a quiet rage that sent chills down my spine.
Ash shifted. “Why didn’t you?” No questions about why or how he could do something like that. It made me wonder what they had been talking about while I slept. How much did she know about him?
A slight twinge of jealousy fell through me, but I tried to stifle it. I had been sleeping. If I hadn’t been so tired, maybe I would have known more about him.
Did I want that?
Did I deserve it?
“I fear that if she saw it, if she truly saw what I was, that she would run, and I would lose her forever.”
He was a dangerous man who had guns and a cat whom he had found while going after gunrunners. My assumption was that he worked as some sort of crime lord, his adoptive father being his boss, but I honestly hadn’t put much thought into it.
“Are you some sort of serial killer? Because while that is terrifying, it’s not a deal breaker in this world these days.”
I could only imagine the look he was giving her.
“No,” he stated evenly. “It’s more complicated than that. You know her better than—”
“Nobody knows her, Navarro,” she breathed out, but despite her breath of worry, my chest tightened in guilt. “I can’t tell you that she’d be okay with you murdering her stepbrother, but in my opinion, he should definitely be in an unmarked grave from what I’ve seen. It’s been happening for three years, did you know that?”
I could feel the tension in the air thicken. “What?”
“Yeah,” she breathed out. “Yeah, Charlie knew about it. For a while, anyway. I knew about it. It was a song and dance we’ve gone through before, but she promised it had stopped. When they moved in, I knew that even if it had stopped, it could start again, I just…it’s not something you can just bring up. I can’t slam her up against a wall and shake her, beg her to leave, she wouldn’t do it. She’s going to tell you no too.”
“Why?”
Because it was my prison, my punishment.
“That house, her bedroom, it’s the only thing she’s got left of her mom and Charlie.”
Seconds ticked by before he spoke again. “There is nothing of them on the walls. Not one thing left. Jordan destroyed her bedroom, spraypainted Charlie’s name on the door in black.”
“Fuck,” Ash sighed. “I haven’t been there since it happened. You know, I’ve known them almost our entire lives. Since second grade. Emily came up to me. She made the first move. Charlie had pushed her, but she had done it. We became best friends. Not me and Charlie and then Emily, but Em and I and then Charlie. And I think that’s how Emily has always felt. You know, second best. Second at everything, never good enough to earn that spot that Charlie always took up, and she was never bitter about it, but you could tell that it always hurt.
“Charlie was always outgoing and loud and boisterous, and then there was Emily, quiet and meek, but once you got to know her? Fuck, she has such a fire in her soul, you know? It’s like…it’s like she burns for this world, but her flames are too hot, and it’s killing her. She believes in things with such a passion, but she doesn’t have the bravery to get up there and be.
“That’s why they were so perfect together. Charlie pushed her to show the world who she was, and Emily gave Char a reason to stay put. Em gives and gives without any hesitation, she loves with everything she is. Do you know about the program here? About the hot food and clothes and school supplies for those with less?”
“She told me about it my first day.”
“Did she tell you who started that?”
“It was her mother’s idea.”
Ash laughed. “It was her idea. She told her mom about it after Charlie forced her to do it, and her mom told her dad because they knew that if it came from Em, her dad wouldn’t listen. If she sees a need, she does her best to fill it. That’s who she is.
“Oh God, and she has the most…exquisite voice. And if she ever writes a song for you? That’s it, you have a piece of her forever. I will never forget the song she and Char wrote for me I still have it at home. I listen to it all the time, the lyrics she wrote out for me are tucked away in a photo album.”
My throat closed, tears burning my eyes. I hadn’t realized how much that mattered to her, that stupid little song.
