Night Forgiven, page 9
She went into her home, but it no longer felt like home. What had Ian called it? A squalid hellhole? Maybe that was what it was. Maybe it sat nestled amongst the least pleasant of their ancestors, as its inhabitants were apparently cursed.
She walked the small length of the interior and stopped at Kalle’s door. Opening it, she inhaled—a fruitless action, but she had to try. There was no scent of him, only the stale fragrance of dust and aging carpet.
Something unnamable tickled her spine and chilled her. She didn’t know the sort of spiritual closeness that some did to the ancestors, but she imagined that one had just nudged her.
Or she was going mad.
She went to her room, leaving the door to Kalle’s room open for once, no longer concerned with what she let out. There was nothing there, after all.
She switched her jacket out and scanned the room, searching but not finding anything that would keep her.
Somewhere out there, Kalle had to be alive. She’d done what she could for her pack. Now she had to help her brother.
15
The loneliness of walking away from the pack and dissolving her tether to the ancestors was a hard concept to explain.
Sierra understood it in theory, of course. All lupine did. It was the way of their kind to need connections. Connections to each other. Connections to the land. Connections to the past.
Severing those connections, whether from banishment, or in Sierra’s case, as a choice, ran a high risk of losing control. Their original form was lupine. The wolf their second. The human their last. Breaking the ties of pack and ancestors more often than not broke the balance within the lupine as well.
The result was slipping into wolf form forever. Going feral. Losing the thoughts and capabilities of lupine and human alike to the fierce, survival-driven wolf.
Legends said that moving about in lupine form was the best way to combat this. But those legends were from a time before humans were likely to come across them and panic.
Sierra couldn’t risk it. She smelled no humans around, but that meant nothing. They’d gotten good at blending in with their surroundings. She didn’t understand their willingness to cover themselves in deer urine, yet it happened, and as comical as it was, it did allow them to sneak up on an unsuspecting lupine.
So she walked in human form, away from her pack and in the same direction she’d heard Kalle had gone a year before.
Coming across the edge of their territory, she inhaled and exhaled a deep breath, preparing herself for whatever would lay on the other side. This wasn’t like a trip to town where they went as a group and barely felt the difference between pack territory and wilderness. She was alone. Only her spirit was tied to the land, and she had no one to share the upcoming discomfort with.
She looked around, not expecting anything and not searching for anything in particular either. The trees stood tall and watching, as they always did. The forest was the usual level of quiet. The plain and simple sameness of this day was both reassuring and sobering.
Maybe she should have chosen a thunderous storm to leave during so she could feel it was more momentous of an occasion.
She closed her eyes and stepped over the invisible boundary.
At first she felt lighter, as if a burden had been lifted. This gave her hope that perhaps she was one of those rare lupine whose spirit and wolf were strong enough to exist without the pack. And if she had that inner strength, Kalle had to have it as well. He was always the stronger sibling. It wasn’t a physical thing, having nothing to do with him being a large male and more having to do with the connection he had with his wolf.
But then the lightness became something else entirely, and Sierra gradually understood it to be a tangible emptiness. She hungered, not for food, but for something to fill the void in her heart and soul.
The setting sun glittered through the tree line to her left. She could use her wolf to move through the night. It would be faster to travel that way, though safety would be relative.
She had time to decide. It would be rational to utilize her wolf form early on. As the days went by and she lost more of her connections to the pack, she’d be less eager to risk becoming a wolf when there was a chance she wouldn’t return from it.
Perhaps it would be worth it to get as far away as she could to start, using her wolf while it was reliable. Once the wolf moon came, however…
She couldn’t guess what would happen then.
The breaking of twigs and crushing of leaves behind her made her turn. Viktor appeared and slowed from the run he’d taken to catch up to her. He gripped her shoulders before she could open her mouth.
“What are you doing?” he demanded.
After a moment of shock, and once the disbelief had cleared the stranglehold on her words, she replied, “I’m going after my brother. What are you doing? How did you find me?”
“Your front door was wide open,” he said. “I took a guess, and I was right.”
She frowned and looked past him. “You were at my place?”
“Passing by,” he said with a huff. “Anyhow, you have to come back.”
“I can’t. I have to find Kalle. He needs me.”
Viktor shook her, and a frantic gleam lit his eyes in a way she’d never known for him to display. “No. You can’t survive out here, Sierra. You don’t need to prove anything.”
She pushed away from him and took a step back. “I’m not trying to prove anything. I’ve done enough of that for my lifetime.”
“Then why?”
“I told you,” she said exasperated. “I have to find Kalle. I refuse to believe he’s gone forever, but wherever he is, I just… I sense that he needs my help. He shouldn’t be alone. Not because of me.”
Viktor stared at her, and some of his anxiousness appeared to dissipate. “What about the pack? They need you.”
“No. It seems that even if it’s the last thing he wants to do, Ian’s going to let them be. He’d be hard-pressed to reverse his decision. Even after just a week, the pack is happier than it’s been in… well, forever, from my perspective.”
“You should be a part of it,” he said.
She smiled half-heartedly. “I don’t think I deserve that. And besides, I promised Ian I’d stay away from the males. I don’t regret that deal, but I knew what I was saying when I said it. And it came easily, all things considered, when I…”
“When what?”
She turned and walked away, unable to finish the thought. Viktor had come to know her better than anyone had before, save perhaps her brother. But there were still secrets between them, and she still had reason to preserve herself.
“The pack is better now, and it’s best that I stay away rather than risk tearing it all apart again. I’m reckless, remember?”
“You’re not that reckless,” he said, walking behind her. “The more I think of your actions recently, I think it’s more like unconsciously planned chaos.”
She laughed softly at that. “Maybe. But the pack doesn’t need me. You’re the one who taught me to look for ways to help. What do I contribute? Nothing that someone else couldn’t easily do in my place.” She peered at the darkening amber sky. “Nature abhors a vacuum, Viktor.”
He caught up to her and took her arm.
She tried to continue walking, but he was too firm and unmoving. She turned to him, frowning. “You can’t stop me. Even if you carry me back, I’ll just leave again.”
“Don’t you see that your willingness to do this, to sacrifice yourself on this quest, is proof that you’ve changed? That you aren’t selfish? That you aren’t destructive?”
She averted her eyes. She didn’t want to see the compassion in his gaze. Didn’t want to treat herself to the familiarity and comfort of them. “You’re saying I’ve earned my way back.”
“Entirely.”
“And I’m saying I don’t care. That’s not my pack. My pack is with my brother. I have to find him.” She stared down at her feet and his, neither moving, but seeming to plant themselves firmly. They were both too stubborn.
Viktor sighed. “I made a promise to protect you. If that means following you today, so be it.”
She glanced up, startled. “You can’t be serious.”
“It’ll be better this way. We’ll find Kalle, and I can prove the honor of my word.”
“If you don’t return, Ian will denounce you,” she said.
“There’s nothing for me there.” He turned and looked behind them. “You’re right. Ian will do right by the pack now. He has to, or he’ll lose support and a challenge will come.”
“So?”
“He doesn’t need me as his second. The pack can’t split again. Not for decades. Maybe longer. I was meant to be an alpha this generation. Now I can’t be, and I am without purpose as a result.” His jaw twitched. “I suppose Kalle and I had that in common.”
She shook her head. “No. You can still help the pack plenty.”
“You were right about me. I could’ve done more. But what I did previously, well, Ian can replace me for.”
More arguments formed in her mind, but Viktor appeared set in his decision. He walked away, determination in his heavy steps.
“I don’t know where I’m going,” she admitted.
He nodded sharply. “It’s okay. I think I might.”
16
Dawn came too soon for Sierra’s tastes. She sat on her haunches and glared at the horizon as it lightened to a soft peach glow. They hadn’t covered enough ground, and she was still awake and alert to keep going. They’d been traveling only two days, and still had at least a week and a half before they reached their destination.
Regardless, she looked inward and commanded her body to shift from her cinnamon wolf form to her human appearance.
The change came slowly—much too slowly for her liking—and the sluggish transformation gave rise to panic. She circled, mid-shift, and sought out Viktor.
He was already standing, and he came to her quickly. “It’s okay.”
She nuzzled his hand, and within another breath was fully human, but still pressed her cheek to his palm, needing his closeness to keep her calm.
“Damnit,” she said with a low growl.
The entire ordeal had lasted mere seconds, but it unnerved her. She’d felt the pressure to remain in her wolf form, felt her wolf rejecting her mind’s intentions.
“Come here.” Viktor helped her to stand, then held her close.
The embrace was a necessity. After each shift they held on like this, sharing the barely-there connection to each other, which was all they could rely on since their tether to the pack was long gone.
Viktor had less of a struggle, however. She could sense it from him, though he had the grace not to boast. She was falling apart, yet he was as whole as ever. So much for her theory of having a strong wolf.
It wasn’t a good sign that she had trouble at all, and so soon. She didn’t like to consider what her circumstances would be without Viktor, yet she still feared the upcoming moon with him.
There was a chance, a sliver of a possibility, that the full moon would pull her down into her wolf form and she wouldn’t return.
They didn’t speak of it.
After a long moment, Viktor released his hold on Sierra and stepped away. His lips curled into a crooked smile and he brushed his fingertips through her hair, pulling loose a long pine needle.
She ignored him and turned to retrieve her clothing. They were naked, and as time went on, it became harder to see him that way and not respond. Her body still wanted him, after all. It seemed that even if they weren’t arguing every step of the way, he still had appeal.
Likely it was because he was the only lupine for as far as she could sense. Or because her body recalled what it was like for him to fill her. Touch her. Taste her.
It didn’t matter the reason; it only mattered that she had to resist. Perhaps they could consider themselves friends, but that didn’t change things.
She lifted her shirt and sighed. “It’s all wet.”
“Poor planning,” he called out.
“And you’ve figured it out?” she asked.
He shook out his jeans and pointed to the ankles. “I think so. Roll everything and hold it by the area least likely to annoy you while sopping wet.”
She grumbled and pulled her clothes on, ignoring the visible tooth holes, but cringing as the cold wolf spit slid against her skin. She hadn’t thought the business of running away through. It would’ve been prudent to bring a bag. Lesson learned. She rubbed at her jaw and plopped down onto the ground to pull on her shoes.
Another week of running at night, carrying a bundle between her teeth. It wasn’t the trip she’d expected. When the Edon pack had joined the Sarka pack, they’d traveled in vehicles. She hadn’t thought the entire process of traveling across the States through. She figured she’d use her wolf form for speed, but had never considered what that meant for her belongings. It made her grateful to have not brought along more than she could wear.
“We could navigate to a town. Buy supplies,” Viktor said.
“No detours.”
He nodded. They’d had the discussion before. Aside from wanting to find Kalle as soon as possible, she had no money with her and didn’t want to rely on Viktor’s funds. They didn’t know what would happen in the future, and she wanted him to have it for himself just in case.
He came to her and held his hand out to help her from the ground. She didn’t need assistance, but took it for the sake of making contact. His wolf energized her. As much as it frustrated her that he was the stronger one, she was grateful it was a strength that could be somewhat shared.
He kept her hand in his as he looked around. “Water that way. We should clean up a bit.”
“Lead the way.”
They walked through a thick layer of fallen pine needles that had yet to break down. It was a good sign that they’d have privacy.
Their destination was a new wolf pack territory, the one Viktor would have migrated to had his younger brother not stolen the opportunity. It was unlikely that Kalle would be with them, yet Viktor was certain that Mikos and Kyra would help them find him. If nothing else, their pack would have better resources to try.
Sierra had been against the plan at first, but their time spent outdoors forced her to face the truth. Kalle’s scent was long gone, and she couldn’t even begin to theorize where he’d go to settle down.
The problem with the current plan, however, was that it meant facing their past. Literally. Viktor would have to face his brother, and the last time they’d spoken, Viktor had attacked Mikos.
Of course, Sierra would have to face Kyra. In Viktor’s case, he’d only made a feeble swipe in Mikos’ direction. That they were brothers made the situation either easier or more difficult, she couldn’t tell which, as she never fully understood how close the males had been to start.
But for herself, there would be hell to pay. She and Kyra had parted under the worst circumstances. Kyra had healed from Sierra’s attack, but Sierra had made sure that Kyra understood how deep the bad blood between them ran.
Recalling it dredged up bucketloads of shame. She’d ransacked Kyra’s home, in addition to nearly a hundred plus other microaggressions. There were too many terrible memories, and she’d have to apologize for them all.
Grovel, more like it. And then hope Kyra didn’t assert her dominance by wrecking Sierra’s face. Kyra was an alpha’s mate now, after all.
If they were lucky, they’d get help to find Kalle, and that was what Sierra tried to concentrate on—even if it meant eating crow and getting slapped around.
17
Sierra watched Viktor pace a tight circle. After a moment, he came and knelt beside her, stroking her neck with his rough hands. She gazed into his dark eyes, sensing concern.
Her attention flickered beyond his shoulder where a squirrel climbed a tree some ten yards away.
“Sierra,” he said.
She wagged her tail and looked back at him.
“Come on, Sierra. You can’t sit around like this.”
He took hold of her front paws and stood, forcing her to stand with him, her weight shifting as she bounced on her back feet and tried to maintain the upright position.
Something clicked within her and she growled. Her paws stretched into hands, and from there the change flowed like slow lava, heating and melting her shape until she stood before him in her human form.
“Never again,” he said and held her tight.
Her arms lifted automatically, her palms spreading across his bare, muscled back. She’d argued for another night running as wolves to gain time. They’d reach their goal faster. He’d insisted it was too risky.
He’d been right.
“How long?” she asked.
“An hour.”
She nodded and closed her eyes as she inhaled, absorbing his comforting, warm scent.
“But we’re closer now,” she said.
“We are. Ten days away. Maybe less.”
She nodded, and the reality of their situation came crashing down. He wouldn’t say it, but she knew what it meant.
She wasn’t going to make it. The wolf moon would come before that, and once it pulled her down to her wolf, she’d be down for good. She’d hoped that they could make it to Mikos’ pack in time. Even if they weren’t her pack, she could leech some of that connection to their ancestors and recover. But now…
Viktor squeezed her tight. A low rumble settled in his throat, vibrating them both. He moved his hands up and cupped her face before kissing her forehead.
“Come on, then,” he said. “We should get going.”
As he pulled away, she looked for any remaining reserve of energy within herself, but there was nothing. Not even a spark. She hated how little control she could affect over the situation.
