I Need You To Hate Me, page 18
“There’s something I need to tell you.” He catches his breath and pulls away.
“Then tell me.” I place my hands on either side of his face, his skin is hot underneath my fingers, and I brush his cheekbones with my thumb.
Ace closes his eyes as if reflecting upon my answer. “Calla…” I love the way he says my name. There’s a moment of hesitation, where something crosses his face in the form of apprehension.
“I can’t fucking lose you.” His voice is filled with an emotion that I haven’t heard before from him—vulnerability?
“I’m not going anywhere, Ace,” I say, dragging out every word so he understands. Is this why he’s afraid to open up to me? Because he thinks I’ll leave? I have reiterated time and again that I have no intention in doing that.
Ace’s lips are back on mine, this time more demanding, like he’s putting everything he has into it. It’s passionate, and consuming—it’s more than I’ve ever envisioned it to be. Ace flips me over, laying me down on the blanket beneath him, and I pull my hoodie over my head.
His eyes scan my body, and he sucks in a breath, lowering his mouth onto my neck and sucking gently before whispering, “Fuck, Calla. Do you know how beautiful you are?”
He works his way down my body, kissing every part of me with his perfect mouth. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that my heart is about to explode from my chest into a million shattered pieces. Yet every piece would still find its way back to him.
Ace tugs at the waistband of my pants, looking up at me, asking for permission. I nod, and he pulls them off, placing them to the side.
I know the cool air is traveling across my body, but I can’t feel anything except the way he touches me. His hot breath is between my legs, and once again, he tugs on my panties—asking for consent. I nod, closing my eyes, biting my bottom lip in anticipation.
“Look at me,” Ace commands. My eyes fly open—landing on his. My breath hitches in my throat, and Ace smirks before lowering his mouth onto me. One of his hands holds mine, and the other grips my thigh, this moment becoming much more intimate.
“Oh my god,” I breathe when his tongue dips into me, my back arches. I’ve never felt anything like this before, and I’m high on endorphins, which swirl through my entire body.
My head tilts back, all I can see is the cosmos above me. Being worshipped by Ace’s mouth while watching the stars is rather amazing, and, some would say, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Ace groans against me; the sensation sends vibrations through my entire body.
“Ace,” I pant. His hand tightens around mine, holding me in place while his strokes quicken like he’s writing our names in the damn constellation with his tongue.
I can’t hold back the feeling that overtakes me when he sucks gently. I move my hips against his mouth as I come, gasping his name over and over.
He moves back up towards me and takes my face between his hands. “I love hearing you.”
My hands are on him, rubbing him through the material of his pants. He curses, pinning my hands on either side of me, trailing kisses from my jaw to my lips. “Do you have a cond—” I begin.
“In my pocket. Are you sure about this?”
“I want you,” I tell him. He pauses like he’s waiting for me to change my mind. “I want all of you, please.”
I grab his face and lower it back to mine.
Between our kissing, I manage to slide his pants off, and he fumbles with his pocket, cursing when he can’t unwrap the condom wrapper quickly enough.
“Oh my god.” My eyes widen when my hand goes into his boxers and wraps around him.
“What?” He freezes, pulling his mouth away from mine. He’s on his knees in front of me.
I knew he was big from all the times his erection brushed against me through his clothes. But now that I’m experiencing it for the first time, I have doubts about how this will work.
The only person I had sex with was Nate, so I’m not sure if this is common or whether Ace is abnormally large. Flashes from the last time I participated in this unfortunate event with Nate fill my head. Oh god.
Thinking about my ex isn’t helping. I shake my head to rid the thoughts.
“Um…I—you’re…” I have no words.
Ace raises his eyebrow. “I’m what, Calla?”
I swallow hard. “You’re huge. I’m not sure this is going to work.” My hands explore him further, preparing myself.
He grins, the sheer male arrogance and ego at its peak. What did I expect after saying something like that?
“Don’t let it get to your head, Ace.”
“Too late, love.” His grin is wider than the Cheshire cat.
I wrap my hands tighter around his shaft, and he groans. “Ahh, easy.”
Ace watches the uncertainty on my face unfold. “Hey,” he says, stilling my hand with his. “We don’t have to if you’re not comfortable.”
“I want to,” I say. And I do, I really do.
I run my hands down his body and flick my tongue over his neck, which earns a grunt from him. Gripping his hair with my hands, I pull him even closer, and cover his mouth with my own. Ace’s tongue fills my mouth, and he grasps my body tighter against his, leaving no room for anything else.
He slides one long finger inside of me, and I gasp. Ace lowers us to the blankets as he deepens the kiss, igniting me everywhere like I’m a match.
His body settles between mine, and I can feel him right there. He doesn’t move as he waits for me, and I give him a small nod. He slowly pushes into me, stretching me. My hands are on his back, my nails digging into his skin from the stinging.
The pain doesn’t last long, and the pleasant feeling of fullness encompasses me.
Ace watches my face for any sort of resistance or hesitation. I don’t give him any. “Fuck,” he groans into my ear as he holds completely still inside me. “Are you okay?”
I nod, giving him the go-ahead.
Holding his weight above me, he moves, savoring every thrust. I run my hands down his chest and his arms; his muscles contract with every movement. I never thought this could feel this good. Or is it just with him? Everything feels mind-blowing with Ace.
His eyes pierce mine, conveying every single undeclared emotion between us. I wrap my legs around his torso, and he takes my hand, bringing it above my head, lacing his fingers through it.
“You’re incredible,” he coaxes.
The bond between us is compelling. It’s remarkable how one person can make me feel like this—like I have the whole world at my fingertips. Ace increases his pace, and his other hand wraps around my waist, bringing me even closer to him, making his thrusts deeper.
He runs wet kisses down my neck and jaw before connecting with my mouth again. His tongue is hot and plays teasingly with mine. I close my eyes and let my head sink deeper into the blankets, allowing Ace to guide me in any way he needs. I’m getting close again, and so is he.
My eyes grow heavy, and he kisses me with unforgiving passion. “Ace,” I moan between catching my breath. He interprets every single sign that my body offers him.
“Calla,” he whispers, and he lowers his forehead against mine, grunting. I come for the second time tonight. This time with him, trembling against his body and feeling the warmth of his chest as he collapses onto me. Our breathing is ragged, and my fingers trace his back.
When we are wrapped in the blankets and I’m lying on his chest, I ask him, “Do you believe in fate?”
“To a certain extent, but not everything is defined by fate.”
How ironic, Brody said the same thing. I scrunch my face at his answer, looking up at him, and his mouth turns at the corners.
“Would you like it if I told you that us being here was written in the stars?” he asks.
“Hmm, yes. I would like to believe in something.”
“You and me, we’re written in the stars, love.” He takes my hand and kisses it. I hope he can’t sense my breathing quicken, but I’m certain after everything, he already knows what he does to me.
“Would you want to know when and how you would die?” I ask thoughtlessly. Perhaps the world above us is opening the door to philosophical questions tonight.
“I’d like to know when, but not how. So I know how long I have to make amends for my mistakes.”
“You say that like there are many. Do you believe in the afterworld? Is that why you wish to make amends before your time is up?”
He scoffs. “No, I already know I’m going straight to hell, if such a place exists.” His voice drives a barrier up, and he doesn’t elaborate.
We spend hours talking, and he opens up to me about his mom and Ellie. He tells me he wants me to meet his mom, and I’m apprehensive, not because I don’t want to, but because I want her to like me. He teases me for my music choices, bringing up Hannah Montana, and I tell him that was a one-time thing.
I promised myself that there would be no boys in college—I didn’t come here looking for that. But it’s three a.m., and we are on the deck. We’re laughing to the point of snorting and watching the whole universe above us. I’m happy for the first time in a long time because of him, and I know I’m wholly and utterly screwed.
18
Unexpected Turn
IT’S EASY TO get lost in an idealistic daze when it’s just Ace and me. Time passes by almost at the speed of light, and I’m left wondering if any of it was real. The saying “don’t judge a book by its cover” is undeniably true, especially with Ace. When we met, I had no idea there would be this segment to him.
Underneath the concealment of darkness and anger, there’s a strobe of light. Ace is perceptive, thoughtful, and selfless, which wasn’t evident through our first encounters. I’m glad I’ve decided to give him a chance, even when he irritated the hell out of me at the start.
I don’t know what to call it, the thing that’s happening between us. I like it, though. It feels fragile and powerful at the same time, but good. So good.
“Hey, did you think about that camping trip?” Nate’s voice breaks me out of my thoughts.
“Shit.” I jump, almost spilling the hot cup of tea that I’m carrying.
He constantly emerges out of nowhere, and most of the time, it’s when I’m working. It’s like he deems this the perfect opportunity to have a conversation. Doesn’t he know what a phone is, instead of showing up to the place I work?
I’ve been jumpy since the weekend and Ace’s confrontation with Logan. I can’t get Theo’s words out of my head; they used to be best friends. What did Logan know about Ace that he didn’t want anyone else knowing?
“Sorry,” Nate apologizes and cocks his head to one side as if waiting for an answer.
I walk to the table in the corner and place the tea in front of a middle-aged woman with glasses. She’s one of the regulars; she comes in most afternoons and reads a book with her peppermint tea—as if this is her way of diverting herself from the worries of the day she’s had.
“Thank you, dear.” She gives me a thin smile.
“Hmm…” I consider my options while I walk back to the counter, where Nate is still waiting for an answer.
I heard Liv, Zach, and Theo discussing the camping trip the other day, but I’m uncertain if they decided to go or not. It’s for Halloween, and I’m hesitant about a camping trip that’s filled with very intoxicated university students in the middle of nowhere.
“Come on, Cals, it’ll be fun.” Nate gives me puppy eyes. They don’t work on me anymore.
Nate never used to act like this, even when we were together. He’d always cancel plans that we formed to hang out at parties and do drugs with his friends instead. Why the sudden change now? Is he really not making any friends here—not fitting in?
I reach for my water bottle and take a sip.
“Yeah, Cals, it’ll be fun,” Mia mimics Nate in a lesser voice behind me, I restrain a smile. I’m not sure if Nate heard that, and if he did, he’s not reacting to it.
Mia and I have grown closer as we spend a lot of time together during work, so I told her about Nate. She’s adamant that he still has feelings for me, but I refuse to ponder over that. I made it clear to him that nothing will happen between us. He’d be unwise to believe otherwise.
“Okay, sure, only if you come,” I tell Mia, making sure she can see my pleading eyes. I don’t need Nate to get any ideas if I agreed to come on this camping trip with him, so the only way to combat that is to bring someone else. Plus, didn’t Mia say he was cute or something?
“I—I…” Mia stutters when I put her on the spot, and I take the opportunity.
“Perfect, that’s sorted. You should get more people to come with us.” I look back at Nate, and he sighs, scanning my expression and rubbing his brow as if he were anticipating it’d be just us two.
“Uh, yeah, sure,” he says in a flat tone. He turns around and staggers out with a shake of his head.
“He’s in love,” Mia says when Nate is out of hearing distance.
“He’s not. I think he’s lonely. It must be hard for him here,” I say. Nate had left all his friends back home; most of them didn’t go to college and chose a trade.
“You hungry? Come have dinner with us,” Brody says when we’re closing up. He doesn’t look at me as he scribbles in his notepad, his broad shoulders tensing when he can’t think of a word.
I glance at Mia, and she seems as confused as I am. I assume this doesn’t happen regularly.
“Sure,” I tell Brody, and he nods to himself before heading out.
Mia and I close up the store and walk to her house. “You know, camping isn’t really my thing.” Her boots click on the concrete beneath our feet.
My eyebrows crease. “Does it look like it’s my thing? I don’t even have a tent.”
She laughs. “Don’t worry, I’m sure Brody will have one.”
We walk through the front door, and the smells of peppers, rich tomatoes, and onions engulf me. I didn’t realize Brody would be making dinner when I agreed to come.
He serves the pasta in bowls in front of us and glances at me. His piercing blue eyes dive into my soul, and I drop my gaze to the food.
“The monsters that live in your mind really do exist. They just have the face of a human,” he tells me when I have a mouthful of pasta, and I choke on it. I wipe my lips with a napkin, coughing, and reach for the cold glass of water.
“Brody! Did you just invite her so you can scare her? There’s a reason why I can’t bring any friends over here.” Mia shakes her head. “You can’t say things like that.”
Brody shrugs and goes back to taking notes while occasionally stabbing the pasta with his fork.
We walk into Mia’s room after dinner, and it’s incredibly spacious. Her bed is up against the wall with a desk next to it. The rest of her room barely has anything, even though there’s enough space to have a whole gathering. I guess she likes the minimalistic look.
“So… has Brody always been like this?” I ask Mia.
It can only go two ways with Brody, and neither of the possibilities is something anyone would consider normal. Some things he says, it’s like he can see right through you, and the other things, I doubt anyone knows what he’s talking about.
“No, he was in an accident a couple of years ago, and he suffers long-term memory loss,” she says. “It changed him.”
“An accident?”
“Yeah, I don’t really know what happened, and Brody doesn’t remember much, if anything. My family isn’t close to him, so they never really bothered to find out what happened.”
“What was he like before the accident?”
“Much different. The opposite, actually. He used to be involved with drugs and gangs, hence why my family cut all connections, but he’s a completely different person now, as you can see.”
I nod in agreement. I can’t imagine Brody being involved with anything along those lines.
“Did you draw these?” I ask, amazed, looking at the detailed sketches. There’s one of a girl with thorns coming out of her head and her hair braided. The detail on it is extensive.
“Oh, yeah, they aren’t the best…” She bites her lip, placing her hand over some.
“Not the best? They’re incredible,” I say. “You’re majoring in arts?”
“Yeah. I’ve always wanted to be a tattoo artist, but I don’t know…I don’t feel like my work is good enough to be on someone’s skin forever.” She sits on her bed.
I sit next to her and lean my back against the wall. “You’re not giving yourself enough credit. They really are amazing,” I tell her, looking back to the drawings.
It all happens so quickly, and I freeze when she leans in, placing her lips to mine. I can’t move. Her lips are made of velvet and move against mine for no more than five seconds.
“Hmm,” she sighs when she pulls away, and I stare at her, wide-eyed.
“Mia?”
“Sorry, I needed to try something.” She stares blankly ahead of her and brings her small fingers to touch her lips.
“Try something?” I question, not angry but extremely confused.
“I’m trying to figure out something,” she says, reflecting. Is she confused about her sexuality?
“And, um…did that help you figure it out?”
“Not really, but it was…good,” she says and draws on a new page as if nothing happened.
I’ve never had a girl kiss me before, and it felt a little odd. But it’s instantly forgotten, and I’m consumed by watching Mia draw.
“What was your life like before you came to live with Brody?”
“Strict. My parents are Mormon,” she tells me like that explains everything. I notice the way she doesn’t classify herself as one. “I probably sound like I hate my parents. I don’t. I just don’t believe in their way of life and them trying to force it onto me from the day I came out of the womb.”
“I would never have guessed you’ve been raised as a Mormon.”
“Good,” she says with bitterness laced through her usual tender voice.
“So, what’s the dream for when you finish college? What would be your ideal outcome?” I ask.
