I Need You To Hate Me, page 12
My body trembles, but regardless, I open my mouth to deny it.
Before I have the chance, he takes my hand, placing it on his chest. “Calla, if we are just fucking friends, then why do I feel like this every time I’m around you?”
Between breaths, his heartbeat thunders under my hand—like mine. I can’t think straight. He’s intruding on my mentality, and my thoughts are all over the place.
“Ace,” I say, and he leans closer as if it’s an invitation and not a warning. His breath tickles my lips, and I strain to recall why this is a bad idea. “We can’t keep doing this. You’re the one who said we shouldn’t…You’re messing with my head.”
He laughs and shakes his head again. The sound fills my ears, and I don’t ever want it to cease.
“I’m messing with your head? You have no idea what you are doing to me. You have no idea how fucking pissed I was when I saw you with that fucking idiot,” he says.
“I don’t understand…”
“Fuck,” he curses. “I can’t stay away from you. I’ve tried, but I fucking can’t. Give me a chance to prove myself.”
“What, like a friend?” I scoff.
He closes the small gap between us, and his lips skim mine. It’s not innocent, because nothing about Ace is innocent—it’s almost unholy. I should pull away before I lose myself again, but I can’t seem to. My senses are seduced by his mouth. I’m lured to him.
“No, Calla—like you and me. I’m done playing these games.”
“I don’t believe you,” I say, the words coming out in a whisper.
“Then let me change your mind.”
My heart flutters, and for some unknown and distant reason, I believe he will.
I clasp my hands on either side of his face—bringing him closer. Ace presses his tongue to the seam of my lips, and I open my mouth, allowing the kiss to deepen. I close my eyes, and the surroundings disappear, leaving him and me, rapt with each other—the warmth swelling through my entire body.
This feels good. This feels right. We pull away to catch our breath. His hand rests on my ear, his thumb caressing my cheek. I can see all the emotions swirling in his flawless eyes. Finally, I know I’m not the only one feeling this.
13
Every High has a Low
IT’S DANGEROUS HOW one person can suddenly walk into your life and turn everything upside down. It’s frightening that every minute I spend with Ace, it’s like nothing else matters. And I’m absolutely terrified that Ace may leave my life as quickly as he came. But something is telling me he’s not going to. Something drives me to give this—whatever it is—a shot, because I don’t want to be left with a what-if.
Maybe it’s the way he makes me feel something more than anyone else has—or perhaps it’s the way he portrays himself that hides who he truly is. He puts on a hard exterior, and it’s not until some of his walls collapse that I can see he’s not really that asshole which he makes everyone believe he is.
“There’s something I want to do,” Ace says, still leaning over me.
“And what’s that?” I bite my lip to conceal a small smile.
“Come with me.”
“We can’t just leave everyone. I can’t leave Nate,” I say, but he narrows his eyes at me as if that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever said.
“I’ll be back. Stay here.” Ace strides out of the snug space that we’ve been confined to for the last five minutes.
Not even a minute goes by when he comes back and beams at me. “Let’s go.”
“What did you tell them?”
He smirks, and my cheeks flush in embarrassment. Is he implying something?
“Ace!”
“I’m joking.” He shoots me a wink and takes my hand in his—it’s warm and fits effortlessly with mine.
Ace leads me through the stalls in the opposite direction of the group. It isn’t until we are standing in front of the Ferris wheel that I realize this is what he wants to do. He pays for the ticket, and the operator who looks bored to be on the job opens the cabin door for us, rushing us through.
Ace takes the seat opposite me, but the space feels so small and intimate. My knee is between his. He places his hands on either side of it, his fingers stroking my thigh.
Our silence is more powerful than words could ever be. I want to ask him who baby is, and where he disappeared to that time, but it feels wrong to spoil this moment.
I look out through the open bars and watch the town unfold in front of us. The darkness of the sky separates civilization. I’ve always been fascinated with the world above us—with the galaxies and stars. I can watch them for hours. The feeling that seduces me is marvel and contemplation—wonder in many phases, such as wondering what I cannot truly decipher with my eyes. Wondering what is really occurring in other galaxies and wondering about alternate realities, different possibilities.
We’re at the highest point and come to a sudden halt. These things occasionally stop to let people in and out, so I wait for it to start moving again. It doesn’t—my eyes snap to Ace. He doesn’t seem bothered.
“Why are we stopped?” I ask.
“It must have broken down. I’m sure they’ll fix it soon,” Ace says blankly. I close my eyes, trying to remember how to fill my lungs. “What are you doing?” he asks, amused.
“I’m scared of heights,” I say, almost to myself, in the form of a reminder. I don’t know what I was thinking. I wasn’t thinking—I’m irrational with Ace.
“Then why didn’t you say so before we got on?” His lips curve at the edges.
“I—I forgot,” I say.
“You forgot you were scared of heights when getting on the tallest ride here?” He laughs.
“Yes,” I reply, annoyed that he’s laughing at me. It sounds thoughtless, but Ace makes me overlook my fears, and I probably wouldn’t have remembered if we didn’t break down in the middle of the freaking air.
I place my head in my hands and count to ten to calm myself.
“Hey, look at me,” Ace says.
I shake my head, but he peels my hands away from my face and takes them in his own. He kneels in front of me and glances up to meet my gaze, composure encloses me. I haven’t known Ace for long, but the connection between us is remarkable. I’m drawn to him in a way I’ve never experienced before.
“We’re all afraid of something.”
“What are you afraid of?” I ask, drawing my attention away from the fact that we’re still not moving.
He doesn’t reply, and I think he’s not going to answer. “Myself.” He drops his gaze from mine, and his mouth sets into a hard line. “I have these…episodes sometimes, where I can’t control my anger,” he explains.
It surprises me that he’s this open with me. The first day I met him, I remember how enraged he was, to the point that Zach had to stop him from destroying things in his room. I also recall that Zach didn’t have a scratch on him.
“What causes, um…these episodes?” I ask.
He shrugs, not answering. He’s told me this as a reminder that’s he not good for me. But a reminder for who—himself or me?
“You haven’t hurt anyone,” I state.
“I might,” he tells me, his grip tightens around my hand.
“You won’t.”
He looks at me and clenches his jaw. “You don’t know that. Fuck! I don’t even know that.”
I lay my hand on his cheek, and he drops his gaze from mine. “You’re not a bad person, Ace. I can see that—I can see you. You may have done bad things, but…” I shake my head, trying to find the appropriate words to make him understand. “It’s in the past. You can only move on if you accept it and stop letting it have power over you.”
Ace meets my eyes—guilt and pain are eddying in the deepest parts of him. He takes my hand, the one that’s on his cheek, and brings it down to his mouth—brushing his lips against my fingers, forcing my heart to soar.
I forget we are stopped mid-air, so when we begin to move, it almost startles me. Ruining our moment.
On the way back to the house, we get ice cream, and I laugh more than I ever have before. My cheeks hurt from the unfamiliar movement. Even though the crisp wind picks up through the night, my body is high on endorphins.
“You’re not going to be sleeping anytime soon, are you?” Ace asks when we step into the house. I shake my head. My sleeping pattern is terrible, but I’d rather stay awake if that means escaping the nightmares that sleep entails.
“Movie?”
A small smile forms on my lips, and I nod. I like to be alone, but I find myself desiring to be alone with Ace even more. A part of me wants to spend as much time as I can with him before tomorrow, in case this only lasts till then.
“I’ll be down in a few minutes,” I say as I head upstairs. I have a shower and brush my teeth.
Heading to Ace’s room, I’m unable to stop my hands from shaking. His bedroom door is open, and I pause in the doorway. Ace is sitting on the bed with a movie ready to go on his plasma TV. He grins at me and pushes play on the remote. I instantly recognize it: The Lion King—according to Ace, the best movie ever made.
Comfort engulfs me as I sit next to Ace, and he wraps one of his hands around me, pulling me closer to his side. I trace the tattoos on his hand; I hadn’t really looked at them properly, but now I’m memorizing every single line. I’m not particularly into tattoos, but on him, they’re appealing.
I glance up to Ace, and he’s already watching me—his mouth tugging up at the corners into a smile. How long has he been viewing me instead of the movie? My eyes set on his mouth, and, as if reading my mind, he lowers his lips to mine.
I can never get used to kissing Ace. The way his mouth moves against my own forces the whole room to rotate around me. I climb on top of him without breaking the kiss. Ace places his hands on my hips and pulls me closer—as if there’s a way to mold us together.
Heat radiates from his body through mine. We take time exploring each other, but it all feels so familiar, like we’ve already become accustomed in another life.
Pulling away from him, I tug on his shirt. Why did he choose today to leave it on, of all the days? I want to feel the smoothness of his skin underneath my fingers.
He understands, taking it off with one swift movement. I waste no time running my hands against the hardness of his chest and digging my nails into him.
“Calla,” he murmurs under his breath and lowers his lips to my neck. I can’t control the moan that flows from my lips.
My heart is slamming against my chest, and I can’t get enough. The feeling is cosmic. He easily flips me over onto my back, pinning me to the bed, keeping our kiss intact. Never faltering.
He pulls away too soon, both of us trying to catch our breath. “Did I do something wrong?” My voice comes out in a pant.
“No, the opposite, actually. I don’t want to rush into things, and you’re making that very difficult.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to apologize, Calla. I’m going for a shower,” he tells me, jumping off the bed and heading towards the bathroom.
“A cold one?”
“Hmm?” His head snaps back at me.
“Nothing.” I bite my lip, holding back a smile.
It feels like the middle of the night when I hear pounding and someone calling my name. “Calla! Calla! Are you here?”
For a moment, I feel as though it’s a dream. I don’t open my eyes, waiting for whatever it is to pass. It doesn’t. Finally, cracking my eyes open, I glance around the room. The light peeks through the curtains, and I realize I’m not in my own bed.
I don’t remember falling asleep last night, even though typically I have to force myself to sleep. I also didn’t have a nightmare, for once in a long time. In fact, I didn’t dream at all.
My heart flutters when I see Ace’s arm wrapped around me. His dark hair is messy, and his soft lips are parted—so peaceful. I don’t want to wake him. He needs to sleep; he’s always exhausted.
I move Ace off me as lightly as I can, but he grumbles and wraps his hand tighter around me, hauling me closer into his hot chest. “What the fuck is that noise?” he asks, irritated.
I quickly untangle myself and get up, heading towards the door because I know exactly who that voice belongs to. I step out of Ace’s room, and Nate is about to storm upstairs when he notices me. I look at a wide-eyed Liv by the front door, regretting her decision to let him in. She gives me an apologetic smile and closes the door on her way out.
Thanks, Liv.
“Where did you go last night?” Nate asks. “I looked for you everywhere.” His eyes dart behind me.
Ace wraps his hand around my waist, making Nate’s eyes narrow in frustration, and a flicker of hurt crosses them.
“Sorry…I—” I begin, but I don’t know what to say. What did Ace tell everyone?
“I see.” His jaw tenses, but he continues. “My dad has been trying to reach you…” Nate says. I try to recall where my phone is. I think I left it upstairs in my room after I had a shower last night.
“Your dad had a heart attack,” he says. The world stops spinning, and the ground swallows me up. There’s a lump in my throat that I can’t swallow.
My dad.
Heart attack.
I must have heard him wrong; my dad is only in his mid-forties. My eyes widen, and my chest tightens like I’m about to have one too.
“He’s in hospital, stable condition,” Nate quickly adds.
Silence. I don’t say anything. I’m trying to still my breathing as the fire claws up in my throat.
Everything’s okay. He’ll be okay.
“Calla? Calla…Did you hear me?” Nate asks. I try to zone him out. I need my mind to relax before I can respond.
“Shut the fuck up and give her a minute.” Ace glares at Nate and gives my hand a reassuring squeeze.
“Don’t tell me what to do. I know her better than you do.”
“Clearly fucking not,” Ace snaps. Ignoring both of them, I rush upstairs to pack some of my clothes. I need to go see my dad.
Footsteps round the corner into my room. I barely glance towards my door, but I know it’s Ace. I throw some clothes into a duffel bag and race past him into the bathroom to grab my toothbrush.
“Is there something I can do?” he asks, but what he means is, do you want me to come with you? It’s too soon, we both know it.
I shake my head. Even though Ace makes me feel calm, it’s not the time for him to meet my dad, especially when I don’t know what’s going on between us and when my dad is in hospital.
“At least let me drive you?”
“It’ll make sense for me to drive her, since I’m going with her,” Nate says. I turn around. Nate is leaning on the door casually—he gives me a comforting smile.
I sigh. It does make sense for Nate to come with me. We’re practically family, but something about this feels like he has ulterior motives. I don’t have time to argue, so I only nod. It’s a chance for Nate to see his family too. Plus, I don’t trust myself driving—I feel like I’m going to be sick.
Ace’s jaw ticks in annoyance—he’s glaring at Nate. Nate crosses his arms and grins at Ace, looking pleased with himself. Too pleased for my own comfort. I need to diffuse the situation before Ace wipes the grin off his face.
“Can you wait for me downstairs?” I ask Nate, hoping he will take the hint. He looks at Ace and smiles again before turning on his heel and heading down.
Ace’s hands are curled into fists, his knuckles white. Ace isn’t a fan of Nate, but now is not the time to start a fight.
Ace watches me pack my bag, running his hand through his hair and rubbing his temple every now and then. I finally finish and turn to look at him. His chest has faint pink lines from my fingernails digging into him last night. I blush at the thought. That memory feels so distant now, so far away. For every high, there’s a low—a high always must come down. That’s what makes the world go around.
“How long will you be gone for?” Ace’s voice is blank, emotionless.
“I don’t know.” I shake my head. “A few days, a week, maybe more.” I shrug, I don’t know what state my dad is in. He needs me; I can’t lose him too. He’s the only close family I have left.
Ace’s facial expression doesn’t give anything away. I turn to my desk and take a pen and a sticky note, scribbling my number on it.
“Here,” I say, handing him the sticky note. “Call me or text,” I say, but add, “You know, only if you want to…you don’t h—”
“I want to,” says. He takes my hand, gently pulling me to his bare chest. He smells like soap, musky with a hint of vanilla, and my hands run up his back. Ace buries his head in the crook of my neck and kisses my shoulder.
When I get outside, Nate is waiting by the driver’s door of my car. I open the trunk, placing my duffel bag inside. Nate extends his hand. I’m confused, but then I understand he wants the car keys. I give them to him.
I open the door to the passenger side of my car. Ace comes to my side and slips his hand around my waist, my stomach erupts with need at his touch.
“What are you doing?” I ask, my voice dry.
“Making sure that idiot”—he nods towards Nate, who’s glaring at us through the window—”knows you’re off-limits,” Ace says, smiling. I hold onto his biceps as he clasps my cheek with one hand. He leans towards my lips, brushing them with his.
One hour. For one whole hour, Nate and I don’t say a word to each other. For some people, that would be awkward. For Nate and me, it’s ordinary. I kind of like that about him. He likes to think things over before talking about them. “It keeps me from being irrational in the heat of the moment,” he once told me after our first argument.
I call my dad on the way there. He’s too calm about the fact that he had a heart attack. He assures me he’s fine, but his voice says otherwise. He always downplays these situations, and even if he’s okay, I need to see it for myself.
“Cals, you shouldn’t worry about me,” he says, but I tell him I’ll be at the hospital in about an hour.
